Emmys 2017: Reviews of The Handmaid’s Tale and Big Little Lies

TVI’d been planning to write about two great series “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “Big Little Lies” for so long that they received Emmy Awards before I managed to do so. Better late than never I guess!

The Handmaid’s Tale

“The Handmaid’s Tale” is a drama series. It’s based on Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel about a sexist theocracy in a world struggling with fertility. Women who can get pregnant are captured and serve as incubators to the ruling class of theocrats. They’re referred to as handmaids and the series focuses on the story of one of them, Offred (Elisabeth Moss). After her training in obedience and servitude, she is placed with an infertile marriage to whom she’s supposed to provide an offspring. You’ll have to watch the series to find out more!

The show is very heavy and depressing, especially for mainstream TV. However, it is very good and it does address important issues such as the emancipation of women, contraception, reproductive rights, feminism and sexism. I think especially given the worrying extreme right wing behaviors around the world, it is crucial to think about such issues. The message of the series is clear: it’s easy to ignore warning signs but the consequences of not reacting in time may be tragic. After all, Gilead is a country which replaced the USA.

The series is also worth watching due to convincing acting and interesting characters. The protagonist seems to be created in a way, which doesn’t make it easy for the audience to like her. And yet, the inhumane treatment she has to endure makes us relate to her on an empathic level, as we would to any human being in pain. It’s not only Elisabeth Moss (Drama Actress, Winner) whose acting should be praised. The other handmaidens, including Samira Wiley (Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, nominee), Alexis Bledel and Madeline Brewer give unforgivable performances. Ann Dowd (Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, winner) in the role of the ruthless superior of handmaids is excellent. Last but not least, Yvonne Strahovski as a seemingly emotionless Madame of the ruling class is a scary, yet pitiable character. You may like or dislike the series, but watching it will certainly be an unforgettable experience.

Apart from the above-mentioned Emmy awards and nominations, the Handmaid’s Tale received and award for the best Writing for a Drama Series and for the best Drama Series.

Under His Eye.

Big Little Lies

“Big Little Lies” is a series contained in one season, a so-called limited series. The story has a defined opening and an end. It is a rather uncommon format these days, as the makers try to usually squeeze as many season out of a series as they can. I’m a proponent of ending things when they’re still good, so I was very happy with this solution for the excellent show.

Jane Chapman (Shailene Woodley) comes to Monterey with her son Ziggy to start a new life. She hopes a small town will give her the peace she’s been looking for. She quickly makes friends with Madeline (Reese Whiterspoon) and Celeste (Nicole Kidman), who are happy to have some “fresh blood” in their circle. Unfortunately, the alleged aggressive behavior of her son towards one of the other school kids causes her to also quickly gain new enemies. Renata (Laura Dern) is an overprotective mother and she starts a personal vendetta against Jane. On the top of this background, we learn that someone’s going to die. But who and why? Yet again, watch the series to find out, I’m not taking responsibility for spoiling your fun.

“Big Little Lies” looks like a predictable series about life in a small town, where seemingly perfect aren’t truly flawless. It’s much more than that, though. The series addresses important issues such as domestic violence, sexual and physical abuse, infidelity but also female solidarity and forgiveness. Similarly like “The Handmaid’s Tale”, “Big Little Lies” is a feast for the audience missing good female performances. Nicole Kidman received an Award for Limited Series Actress, while her co-cast Reese Witherspoon was a runner-up. Laura Dern won the Award for the best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie and Shaileen Woodley was a nominee in this category. Let’s not forget about Alexander Skarsgard who was chosen the best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie.

Last but not least, the music in the series is just magical. I could listen to the theme song “Cold Little Heart” by Michael Kiwanuka over and over again, but the whole soundtrack is remarkable. Zoe Kravitz, who appears in the series in the role of Bonnie, may not be an amazing actress but she has a beautiful voice and I was mesmerised by her version of “Don’t”. Please don’t miss this series. It’s really worth your time! If you don’t believe me, you should know that the series also received the Emmy awards for Directing for a Limited Series, Movie or Dramatic Special as well as for the best Limited Series and was nominated for Writing for a Limited Series, Movie or Drama.

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Guest Post: Dating as a Vegan

veganGuest post time! Antonia from The Vegan Rainbow Blog shares her thoughts about dating as a vegan. Enjoy!

Dating in general can be a challenge these days, but dating as a VEGAN takes things to a whole new level. Especially, if you live in a meat loving city like Cape Town, where a ‘braai’ (BBQ) is part of the culture.

I’m a plant eater and currently single (let’s rather not get into detail here). Given my relationship status, I cannot tell you what it’s like to date a vegan as a vegan, but rather share my opinion on this controversial topic with you.

In my early vegan days, which is now 4 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine to date an omnivore ever again. I must admit, that my perception has changed over the years. It would definitely be more challenging to be involved with a meat eater, but surely not impossible. I guess it’s all about compromise. In every relationship one has to sacrifice something somewhere along the lines.

This might come as a surprise to some vegans now, but I’d definitely consider dating an omnivore again. It probably won’t be ideal and complicate things a lot in daily life, but in the end love wins anyway.

Should I really find myself in the situation of dating a non-vegan, there’d be rules. Sounds harsh at first, but I think it’s the only way to go. OK, let’s call them guidelines rather.

My partner’s kitchen for example, or the one that we’d once share together will have to get a bit of a makeover. Since I won’t use any kitchen equipment that had anything animal on them, I’d rather bring my own stuff. I’d probably even label everything for vegan use only. Nope, it won’t stop here –  so let’s all take a deep breath. The guy better has a big fridge too, because I’d want my own compartments to stock the plant based products. Sounds crazy? Well, the last thing I want is to have my greens lying next to or on top of corpses. It might be “just” meat for you, but I see dead animals. Sorry for telling you the truth at this point.

When it comes to grocery shopping I’d definitely insist on paying only for my vegan products. Separate bills will solve that problem in a heart beat. I know it sounds a bit weird, but I wouldn’t want to spend my hard earned money on anything of animal origin..Sharing costs for coffee, toilet paper etc. is no problem of course, but any non-vegan item will be for your own account Mister. I hope toilet paper is even vegan !? Never asked myself that question before…Anyone knows?

After reading all my thoughts on this topic you probably think I’d force the vegan lifestyle on my future prince. Well, unfortunately I have to disappoint you here. I might buy and bring my own things, but I’d never expect my partner to become a vegan. If it happens in course of the relationship, then it would mean the world to me, but it also has to come from the heart. If the guy only goes vegan in order to please me, then the relationship would be heading for disaster in the long run. In return I also wouldn’t appreciate it if my man asked me to drop veganism for him. Luckily I’m able to whip up the most amazing vegan dishes in the kitchen, so eating more of a plant based diet will come naturally to the man in question anyway. Who doesn’t want a girl that can cook?

There are brilliant movies on Veganism out there, but don’t worry, my future boyfriend won’t be dragged into a movie theatre to watch “Cowspiracy” or “Vegucated” whilst snacking on popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast. A cosy Italian restaurant for a Friday night dinner date will do too. It’s all about balance, right?

In my mind a relationship works best if you have many things in common, so I’d probably be better off with another vegan. If this is not meant to be, then I’m positive the universe has figured it all out for me and wants to challenge me somehow. Vegan or not, a soul mate is a soul mate.

You’ve guessed right, I’m a hopeless romantic that hasn’t given up hope yet! OK, enough of my relationship goals here. This is not supposed to be a Tinder profile after all.

At this point I bet, that all the single omnivore guys reading this post out there are now scared for life and won’t even attempt dating a vegan girl. So here’s my question for you: how would you react if a girl you fancy tells you that she’s a vegan? Please let me know in the comments so I can see if I’d even stand a chance. Or should I rather not mention it on a first date? This probably won’t work either because you might ask me out for dinner at a steak house. But hey, nothing to be scared of: I’m only another vegan that wants to save the planet, not a chick that boasts following banting, paleo or flexitarian diets. Oh and FYI, I’m not gluten intolerant.

In that sense good luck to all the singles out there. Let’s EAT, PRAY; LOVE

The Vegan Rainbow Blog

So, Dear Rinsers, what are your thoughts? Would you date a vegan? If you’re vegans/vegetarians yourselves would you date an omnivore? Are other dietary habits in such cases deal breakers or do you agree with our OP’s pragmatism? 

Preemptive Strikes and What Ifs

Lonely-Woman

Rarely are relationships and other such romantic encounters ever smooth sailing. Sometimes things get off to a rocky start and you find yourself questioning whether this drama from the get-go is a sign of things to come. But even in the instances where things begin blissfully, there eventually comes a time when the honeymoon period comes to an end and you experience some sort of bump in the road that makes you wonder if this thing is really worth the stress. But no matter how much of over-thinker you and however good you are at spotting your patterns (and those of others) how easy is it walk away at the first sign of trouble, essentially launching a preemptive strike on the relationship and breaking it before it can break you? And if somehow you do have the willpower to learn from past mistakes and run away from potential drama, does that necessarily mean you are guaranteed happiness? Or will you just be left wondering what if?

20/20 hindsight is a wonderfully torturous thing. After a disastrous relationship ends and the dust has settled, it’s pretty easy to rewind your mind and spot all the warning signs that you had chosen to ignore. Perhaps it was the fact that on your very first date gut instinct told you that he reminded you of your ex? Maybe it was that your friends that tried to gently tell you that this guy wasn’t quite as into you as he should’ve been?  Or it could just be that it falls in line with your patterns from the past and no matter how much you beg the universe to send you a boring AF accountant type that could potentially bring some stability in your life, it always always sends you a smoking hot lothario? The fact is you’ll easy find a million and one different ways you could’ve done something better the moment you start your little historic analysis.

However, that over-analyzing always seems to forget that when it comes to matters of the heart, more-often-that-not logic goes out of the window and even the most intelligent of human beings find it hard to listen to their own clever minds. We forget sometimes that the heart (and the hormones) also have an important role to play when it comes to the relationships we want to pursue. It’s not necessarily that you are stupid or a glutton for punishment when it comes to the types of people you date but maybe that you are drawn to the one’s that keep you on your toes and give you those infamous butterflies. And the intangible aspects that make it difficult for some of us to change our ways.

Ugh but then again, maybe it’s just me. So let’s take a look at the flipside. What would happen if every time you saw a red flag you ran a mile? If every guy that shared a similarity with an ex of yours was ruled out at the get go ? Well, I personally don’t think you’d get all that far in life. I’ve met a handful of people that claim to have ‘learnt’ from their mistakes to such an extent that they’d never let history repeat itself. I once met a guy who constantly blew hot and cold…one minute telling me he was falling for and then frantically calling an uber the moment things started to heat up! I later learnt that this poor guy had ‘heart cancer’. No not a disease. But some sort of mental blockage caused by having his heart broken and being too frightened to get close to anyone in case they did the same thing. No offense taken. But I have to say it’s sad to see nice people constantly alone because they are scared to take risks and opt to focus on the potential negatives.

Where does this sort of cautious approach to love get you? From the experiences of those around me (I can’t speak from my own experience because to my own detriment I always follow the butterflies) I can tell you that launching preemptive strikes on potential budding romances doesn’t lead to much more than a sexless existence (true storiES!). And sure, you could say that sex doesn’t make the world go round (hmmm, I’d like to see you live through your own sex drought first!) but from what I’ve seen the mindset which involves erring on the side of caution and inevitably closing yourself of to the possibility of love also results in loneliness/bitterness. The other problem with walking away from something too soon is that, if you are anything like me, you’ll probably sit around wondering ‘what if’ for months/years to come.

At the end of the day, every relationship is going to have some stumbling blocks – some which cause the relationship to fail and others which can reasonably be overcome. It’s important to know when to admit defeat but its equally important to give things a fair shot. It’s not everyday that you meet someone who sparkles so when you do I personally think you need to see things through and that way if it does end miserably you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if?’, knowing that you put in your best efforts. If you opt to launch that preemptive strike and end things prematurely just to save yourself the heartache in the long-run, you’ll probably still end up a little bit heartbroken anyway because of the regrets.

Over to you do Rinsers. Have you ever launched a preemptive strike and ended a potential romance before it really got off the ground? Would you say such actions can save you from heartbreak or just leave you with a whole bunch of regrets? Share your stories in the comments below. 

Can a Bad Start Lead to a Good Relationship?

bad startThe ideal way to have a healthy relationship is to have things run smoothly from the very beginning. It doesn’t mean some problems don’t occur at a later stage (some always do), it only means that the relationship has a good foundation before they do. I do know people, however, who after a bad start ended up in long term relationships. Does it mean that a bad start can lead to a good relationship?

First of all, just looking at the statistics, it’s more of an exception than a rule. Think about all your girlfriends who were complaining about their relationships in the beginning. The complaints could refer to anything: lack of commitment from the guy’s side, too much of it, a guy’s jealousy issue, him not being entirely over his ex, his bad temperament, just sex no talk, bad sex, his unhealthy attachment to his mom… The list would never end. Most of such relationships end in no time after a bit of back and forth. The point is that because in the beginning of the relationship people tend to be at their best behavior issues get worse not better with time. If something is truly irritating you in a first few months when you still have a horde of butterflies in your stomach, it’ll drive you crazy a year down the line.

This is why you should be unapologetic about things that are important to you, of you want something serious that will last and enhance your happiness. This is, however, not always the case. Is your goal to be in a relationship because you’ve never been in one? Sometimes experience is worth the trouble! If you don’t know what is bad, you won’t know what’s good either. Perhaps having children is more important to you than anything else and you’re willing to settle because of it? Be honest with yourself about such issues. If for whatever reason you decide that a relationship is worth going for, you need to be able to accept whatever it is that constituted the bad start, as believing that you may “change him” is lying to yourself. If you’re a devoted Catholic and you start dating an atheist who gets angry every time you mention Church, where do you think this is going? At the same time you may still end up having a valuable lesson in whom you should and shouldn’t date. What you are willing to accept or settle on is up to you, but long term big incompatibilities mean big problems.

Compatibility is one thing and good chemistry (not attraction) another. Some relationships are difficult from the start. You and your partner just keep missing each other. You have misunderstandings, you don’t communicate well, you fight. You want different things and one of you has to be constantly compromising. In short, you’re not really having the honeymoon period as you should. Perhaps you’ve ignored the deal breakers or things looked perfect during your online conversations but when you met him in real life something was just off. Such situations are much easier if one of you will be honest with each other and just say something like: “You’re really nice but it’s just not working like it should” or just “I think something’s off and I don’t think more dates will change it”. It’s much worse if both of you really want a relationship or if attraction between you is very strong. It’s much easier to leave someone who treats you in a bad way. If they’re nice and do all the right things (even if half-heartedly), it may feel like you’re being too fussy. In most cases such relationships end somewhere further down the line too. The tears and drama could have been avoided on date three, but hey, at least you’re not a divorcee and/or a mother yet!

Some of “bad start” relationships don’t end up early, though. I know this one guy who was so committed to a girl, he chased her half around the world. Eventually after years of her half-hearted dating him and insisting on an open relationship, she did marry him and told people “What I was supposed to do? He loves me so much!”. I know another girl who caught her now husband cheating on her in the very beginning of the relationship. Eventually regular phone checks, epic scenes and fights tired him so much that he  stopped pursuing other female interests. The danger of such situations is of course the implications is can have on the future. Won’t the girl leave the guy, if she meets someone who she, herself, “loves so much”? Will the husband never cheat again? And even if they don’t, won’t the other partner always live in fear they could? Success is relative. All fairy tales finish the moment people get married, but real life carries on. Getting married is just a part of a journey. For instance, another couple I know used to have intense fights since very early days of their relationship. They would usually end up breaking up and then dating other people for a bit. By the time they got married they broke up at least 10 times. They seemed fine for a while and even had a baby. Soon after that she discovered that the guy was having an affair, but… wait for it… the wife wasn’t innocent either as by that time she was already pregnant with another man!

I don’t know whether there’s a remedy for relationships that started with someone being disrespectful, unfaithful or abusive other than a break-up for good. Going forward with is a bit like buying a rotten apple in a shop, hoping it will unrot with time. Common sense would say, you should have enough self-respect to move on. Why to waste your time with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, if someone else could love most of your little quirks? Do you want to be their second best? Nevertheless, there’s a difference between a slow start and a bad start. That you’re not saying “I love you” on date two, shouldn’t worry you. As long as the ship is sailing in the right direction, it’s all good. Just to give one example, for people who were single for a bit, some things may take longer than they would take serial monogamists. At the same time I do think that it’s important to have continuity. If a guy sees you once goes quiet and pitches again after three months, perhaps it’s not the best sign.

To sum up, bad beginnings can lead to good things but very rarely to good long term relationships. If your goal is the latter, you should try to look for things that work and not for what’s broken to fix. Last but not least, there’s a difference between a bad start and getting into a relationship slowly.

What do you think, Dear Rinser: Can a bad start lead to a good relationship? Do you have any examples? What’s your take on the matter?

My Way or the High Way : Do Ultimatums in Relationships Ever Work?

 

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When you’ve been single for quite some time, it’s easy to forget that being in a relationship can, at times, be hard. I won’t lie, the thought of yet another bleak Tinder date where I have to tell some dude what I do for a living and listen to him blabbing on about his list of credentials and have a phat brag about where he went to school, fills me with dread and makes me want to pewk in my mouth a little. Sure, being a single girl in the age of internet dating can be pretty grim but is being in a relationship really that much easier?

Of course, being in a good relationship is probably better than being an dating aficionado but even the best relationships aren’t hearts and flowers one hundred percent of the time. All relationships have tough times where its no longer just about dealing with your own feelings and desires but also about handling another human’s issues on top of your own. Compromise is an important part of any successful relationship and it is certainly helpful when it comes to overcoming the inevitable disagreements which plague all couples. However, there may also come a point with certain arguments where diplomacy is no longer an option and one or both parties reach a breaking point. Today, Dear Rinsers, I’ll be questioning the value of dishing out ultimatums and when, if ever, they can be used successfully to resolve a quarrel or whether they are simply a symptom of being a stubborn, spoiled brat that isn’t getting their own way.

Naturally, the things we argue differ from one couple to the next. There are those simple things that can cause tension such as who does the washing up or takes out the trash. In most cases as long as the two parties are reasonable these sorts of trivial issues can be ironed out over time as people learn to accommodate one another. On the other end of the spectrum you have more contentious issues, the sorts of things that can probably make or break a relationship. These can be big practical matters such as financials or major ideological/religious differences.

When you hit such a relationship roadblock and you’ve pretty much reached your breaking point, it’s tempting to issue an ultimatum basically telling your partner to sort their shit out or the relationship is over. It’s normal to feel that threatening to quit the relationship is better than placing that one day wager in the hopes that you significant other will eventually come around to your way of thinking. Before launching in with such a bold all-or-nothing move it is, however, wise to weigh up your options and the consequences.

Firstly, it’s important for you to establish in your mind what exactly you desire the end result of your actions to be. Of course, you are hoping the ultimatum will result in some dramatic change in your partner but have you considered what you’ll do if they simply shrug their shoulders and move on? If this is your attempt to save the relationship there are probably less risky strategies.

Secondly, consider your reasons for making such demands. Is the change/compromise you are asking your partner really in their best interests or could it be purely for your own benefit? If you for example you force them to give up what you consider to be toxic friendships or their backwater religion before they are ready they may end up with regrets and resent you for it. Think about the long-term damage this could potentially do to your relationship.

Finally, if like many people, you are actually giving in an ultimatum without any intention of truly leaving such empty threats will only serve to help you lose your negotiating power in the future. On the flipside, if you truly are at a point where you have the strength to walk away then maybe using an ultimatum isn’t even really necessary. Perhaps deep down you have this gut feeling that things aren’t working and you are only going through the motions for final confirmation.

To conclude, the aim should be to avoid getting to a point in a relationship where you feel the need to issue an ultimatum. Rather keep the lines of communication open from the get go. Sure, it is easy to tell you to establish your deal breakers from the start and stick to those but people do change and sometimes issues only reveal them further down the line when you are far to emotionally invested to brush things off so easily. Regardless, do try and find out where any potential significant other stands on issues that are important to you as early as possible. And if despite your best efforts you do find yourself at breaking point try to have a deep and meaningful conversation about things and possibly seek advice from trustworthy sources before doing anything drastic.

Good luck!

OK, My Beloved Rinsers. Give us some food for thought in the comments section. Have you ever been forced to issue an ultimatium to get what you wanted in a relationship? Or have you been receiving end of such a threat? Did anything good come of the ultimatum and did it result in the desired outcome? Go wild…

 

 

 

Super Dates and My Weirdest Dating Experience

superman-1803165_1280Not long ago I started watching Aziz Ansari’s “Master of None”. As a single guy the protagonist has lots of dating (mis)adventures. One of them is a super date during which he takes a girl he doesn’t know that well to a different city for a night. A great way to bond? In my experience rather a recipe for a disaster. Let me share with you my own weirdest dating experience ever. Oh, how good it is to be sorted and not to be forced to have weird dating encounters with the opposite sex!

In my early twenties I met a handsome doctor in Rome. During my stay there we had a few coffee dates and we kept in touch when I came back to Poland. As we were getting on well, we decided to have a super date, which sort of seemed to make sense as we lived in different countries. The meeting place was Milan where we were supposed to spend the weekend.

The guy decently rented us two rooms and everything looked promising. After arrival we went to explore the city which was nice enough and we chatted over numerous cups of coffee again. Then we came back to the hotel where he kissed me and things started to get weird. Like 30 seconds into the kiss the guy pushed me away and asked me to please stop kissing him as he was getting too excited (?). He made a similar comment, what I thought was, a joke when he was seeing me off in Rome so a red lamp started to flicker in my brain. I listened to the instruction and after a few minutes of awkward silence we decided to eat something. That was an ordeal on its own for me as at this point I was well fucked in the head too and had serious inhibitions to eat food around people. Let alone, in the circumstances where I started to think there may be something wrong with the guy I spent two months chatting to. So there I was struggling to swallow (pun intended) when out of the blue he said “Fine, if you want to have sex we can but ONLY with a condom”. Wooow, can you have more of a mood spoiler than that? I mean, I’m a big supporter of safe sex and all but wasn’t someone getting a bit ahead of himself? I replied “Ummm” and he said “What? I don’t know how you do these things and I’m a doctor and I have to be clean!”. Right. As you can imagine the conversation stopped flowing after that (because what do you say?).

Fortunately, before the awkwardness started we planned a trip to the cinema and I welcomed with open arms, a place where no talk was necessarily. “Robin Hood” with Russel Crow helped me to take my mind of all the weirdness and there was something to talk about on our way to the hotel. Eventually he asked me whether I wanted to share the room to which I replied that I don’t mind but sex wasn’t on the cards (just to put it out there as this was clearly how he liked it). He didn’t seem to be taken aback or anything like that. I guess I was counting on normalizing things over the pillow talk. We tried sleeping in an embrace but the guy started a mini rage about how unnatural it is for his arm and eventually crawled to the other side of the bed. And there I was lying in the darkness, not being able to sleep, hoping to be anywhere else than where I was. I didn’t know how who I thought was a finally-normal-guy turned out to be this weirdo who says and does everything wrong. Of course, before I got there I hoped for the best. It was quite an elaborate plan between my studies and his work to plan a weekend away! And what was I going to tell all my friends at home cheering on my liaison with an Italian doctor?

This was probably one of the worst nights in my life. As soon as the sun started to show on the horizon we were more than happy to part and we ended the weekend earlier.  Weird fact: we still kept chatting for two months after that and we even saw each other once when I came to Italy to work during student holidays. Of course, that meeting was weird too so that was it. I did have a great time in Italy for the next three months, though!

If there’s any lesson in this story it’s that seeing someone for short coffee dates and staying in touch online doesn’t necessarily tell you that much about a person. They may be perfectly functional in a conversation and totally weird in other respects. Super dates seem like a great idea and I’m sure there are some people for whom they worked out. At the same time, in general, the slow gradual easing into a relationship is a better and more mature way of dealing with things than such an intense experience. Remember that slow and steady wins the race!

Thanks for reading, Dear Rinsers! Any diagnosis for the Doctor? Have you ever had a super date? Went away with someone you didn’t know that well? Did it work out for you?

Cape Town Dating Stories – How NOT to spend 180 rand

IMG_7652.JPGI’m writing this post from the emergency room where I had to take #englishrosiee after what looked like an innocent spider bite got serious. The good thing about this not such a great event is the fact that we were able to leave the below average show “Cape Town Dating Stories” earlier.

Valued at 180 rand for an early bird ticket, this show was one of the most disappointing ones I’ve seen in my life. Did I laugh? I chuckled once or twice and smiled a few times but that’s about it. The show’s host is a non-binary individual with an exaggerated Russian accent going by the name of Natasha. Her outfit consists of a Russian army hat, high heels and, of course, an animal print jacket. A few warm-up jokes and it becomes clear whether the show will be your cup of tea or not: some people have lots of lols every time they hear a swear word, others feel that there needs to be something more to a joke than to say the word “cock” or “pussy”.

The show is based on a bunch of crude and highly sexual jokes. I guess one would expect a little bit of it at a dating related even, but to build a whole show on it is a different thing. I’m really not much of a prude but I guess that for the price I was expecting more than cheap toilet humor. Apart from the host, there were stand up comedians involved in the routine. Perhaps they were slightly more subtle than Natasha. Last but not least, the show involved the audience and used their experiences to allegedly spice things up. What can I say? This part was mostly lame too.

Now, what surprised me was that apart from a bunch of stone faces like mine and #englishrosiee’s, belonging to people who honestly didn’t find the show funny, a big part of the audience was laughing and a LOT. I don’t know whether it’s because they’ve never given a blowjob in their lives and it’s so FUNNY to hear that someone did or perhaps in still reasonably conservative South Africa swearing and sex are taboos and hearing someone being so candid about it feels liberating. Of course, there’s also this option that maybe just MAYBE I’m a snob deprived of a sense of humor… Anyway, I know that the show reminds me of myself at the age of three, when I learnt the word “ass”. I kept walking around and repeating it. The more people laughed hearing a little girl say it, the more I’d repeat it. If only I knew back then I could make money out of it, my life would have turned out completely different!

To sum up, if you blush every time you hear the word “fuck” or just honestly find toilet humor funny, go for it. As long as you enjoy yourself, it’s all good! Tastes differ! If it doesn’t sound like your thing rather spend your money on a nice dinner, a present for a loved one or on a vibrator. All of the above mentioned will bring you more joy.

“Yo Girl, Send Nudes” – When a Guy Wants to Be In You and Not With You

condomSex does improve people’s lives. Many of us had a fling or two after a long sex drought that led us nowhere but to fulfillment of our sexual needs. Others like casual sex. That’s totally fine and so are any other arrangements as long as you’re getting what you want. Unfortunately sometimes women want a relationship and pursue a guy who’s only interested in them for sexual reasons. Let’s find out how to tell that he wants to be in you and not with you.

Firstly, it’s quite easy to tell what a guy’s intentions are, if we keep our eyes open. This is of course a difficult task when we like (= are attracted) to someone. Men can be the opposite of subtle with sexual allusions and jokes. For instance when I was on a first date once I was running late and sent the guy a message innocently telling him I’ll be there in “2 secs” (read aloud) to which he replied “I like the sound of that 😉”. I should have turned around then or at least stay more vigilant. But you know what? The guy was hot and I hadn’t dated anyone in a while so I didn’t. This would be okay if later on in our fling I wouldn’t start to treat it seriously… Anyway, long story short two months later we ghosted each other because of the obvious incompatibility of interests. Are you thinking now: Surely, there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of spice right in the beginning? Well, the problem is that the guy who’s potentially serious about you would probably chuckle seeing this message but wouldn’t say what he thought of, in fear of scaring you away. The guys who like you for the person you are show you respect and slowly ease into other kinds of jokes when you’re becoming more familiar. In the beginning, however, they’re interested in knowing you better not more intimately. They want to be around you first and foremost because they enjoy your company. The men who have different goals are heating things up too quickly because they’ll either get what they want (=sex) and quickly or they’ll go.

Very often women ignore such initial signals and just go with the flow, sleeping with a guy quite early. The right time for dropping your panties is an individual decision but you should be sure this is what you want because you feel comfortable with a guy and not because he’s been making things sexual and you feel pressurized. Another first date of mine after dropping me home asked whether he can count on getting into my house on the second date. Really??? I mean there could have been no doubts what they guy wanted and yet I still chatted to him for a bit after that till the whole thing fizzled out. The point is: the guy who’s interested in sex only will go anyway. Even the best sex can only last for so long. He won’t develop some sort of interest in your personality because of what you tell him during the pillow talk. If you want something serious and you feel that the guy doesn’t, don’t sleep with him. Otherwise, you’ll just end up with a heartbreak.

If you’ve already acted against your better judgement, you can still enjoy the fling for what it is. Don’t set yourself for a disappointment, though, by expecting something to come out of it. Some of these guys will lose their interest with you the moment you’ve slept together, others will keep you as a backpocket girl and occasionally booty call you. Don’t full yourself that a guys who sees you once in a blue moon at 12 o’clock when he’s drunk, is into you. He wants sex and you’re the source of it, that’s all there’s to it. Sure, you can try to convince yourself that he called you and not anyone else… But how do you know he wasn’t rejected by 5 other girls he called that night and you were just the last one he called who said yes? Rejection isn’t easy to swallow but it’s a necessary ingredient of moving on. There’s nothing you can do here but to stop seeing the guy. Chances are the guy is a player. He may as well be after something serious, though. It’s just that you two aren’t a match and he finds you attractive. If you’re sleeping with him given his half-hearted efforts, why wouldn’t he just go with it? He’s not losing anything in this scenario because he’s not emotionally invested. The onus of calling it quits is therefore on you.

Last but not least, PLEASE don’t send any nudes! The guy is clearly objectifying you, even when he’s with you. Do you want to go that low to become but a picture in his fap folder? As I mentioned before, chances are the guy is a player. If he’s he may not have enough decency to keep them to himself. Sure the horrific scenario when he publishes them on the web and tags you or something like that is rather unlikely unless you’re a superstar. At the same time he may be showing your pictures to someone else, which is even more humiliating than him using them himself. If you’ve done something like this in the past, there’s no point in crying over spilt milk. Just remember what it means next time you get a “Yo Girl, send nudes” message.

To sum up, if you’re on the lookout of a profound relation in a sense that has nothing to do with deep throats, remember these rules:

  1. Watch out for sexual jokes and allusions early on
  2. Be careful if a guy is making it all physical
  3. If you’re already in a sex-oriented relation either enjoy it for what it is or finish it but DO NOT lie to yourself it’ll turn into something serious
  4. Don’t send nudes for your own sake

Hello, Dear Rinsers! How are you today? Have you ever struggled with guys wanting just sex from you? Have you managed to break the pattern? Maybe you’re a guy who’s a player? The comments section is all yours. 

Now please enjoy one of my favorite music videos relating to the topic:

 

 

 

Knowing Your Own Mind – A Post About Eggs

eggs

 

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled? Sunny Side Up? Over-Easy? Truffle Infused? The options are endless. This dear rinsers is the million dollar question, not only for a girl (like poor me) who has been BANNED from every so much as looking lovingly at an egg smuggled into her house by a well meaning unicorn (yes, things are that bad!), but for us all.  Before you start thinking that the lack of eggs in my diet has caused me to lose my marbles let me get to the point. Today, I want to talk about the importance of knowing your own mind (and how you like your eggs) before getting involved in a relationship.

Let me start by providing some background. Seen the Runaway Bride? It’s a chick flick staring Julia Roberts. All in all, the movie is nothing revolutionary but there is this one scene that stands out. It’s where Julia Robert’s character, Maggie, decides to sample every kind of egg imaginable (a dream come true for me!). The reason behind this egg feast is because at some point she comes to this epic realisation that she doesn’t know how she likes her eggs because she has always just ordered whatever type of eggs her fiance at the time liked. Basically, what they are getting at with the whole egg thing is that Maggie doesn’t have her a mind of her own – she adapts herself (and her egg preference) according to whoever she dates.

Now lets look at real life. Surely, we all know someone who makes dramatic life changes whenever they start dating someone new. The party girl who decides to swap nights shimmying away at the club for Sunday mornings at Church because the Bible boy she’s dating has put the fear of god into her? Or the dude that suddenly stops making his hilarious un-PC jokes and dumps his somewhat eclectic friends because his new lady friend raises her eyebrows every time they go out together? The chubby girl who starts discovering a love for active wear since she started dating a triathlete? You catch my drift.

Of course, when you get into a relationship it’s natural for there to be some adjustments in your life. Its not as if two people can carry on living the singleton lifestyle and expect to have a healthy relationship. Taking an interest in the things that make your partner tick is a good thing and obviously some degree of compromise is always necessary to allow a relationship to function well. Good relationships require an element of understanding and a bit of give and take. But they key here is that compromise needs to come from both sides. If it is just one person making changes and sacrificing their own happiness for the sake of the relationship, it doesn’t do anyone any favours in the long run.

Getting into a relationship shouldn’t mean giving up the things/people that you love and make you who you are. Being open-minded and allowing a partner to introduce you to new things is great but it’s important to stay true to yourself. There will always be some change when you transition from the single life to being in a couple but if you are with the right person hopefully they’ll change you in a positive way, allowing you to develop in a way that enhances your quirks (which is probably what attracted them to you in the first place) rather than stifling your individuality.  E.g. It’s OK for a chick who eats 6 eggs a day to gently be told to reduce her egg consumption for the sake of her soaring cholesterol levels as long as she actually isn’t being banned (yes I was being a drama queen earlier) from them entirely by some sort of raging vegan!

Ultimately, I guess this is why it is so important to make use of your single time wisely; to develop your personality, build up your self-confidence, establish solid friendships and discover the things that make you happy. That way, when you do get into a relationship you’ll be in a stronger position to know your own limitations and the things you can reasonably negotiate on without completely losing your identity.

So dear Rinsers, Have you ever been in such a relationship where you’ve changed dramatically in order to impress your partner? Or have you been witness to this sort of thing with a friend? How important do you think it is to have a strong identity before getting into a relationship. Share your comments below…

P.S. More importantly – How do you like your eggs? Let the debate begin. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guys Who Tell You Things (but Don’t Mean Them)

tattoo-702133_1280I think of all the people difficult to deal with, people who say a lot but don’t do much are one of the worst kind. Particularly when it comes to dating, a guy like this may give you an impression that you’re going crazy, as there’s so much difference between what he says and what he does. Read on, if you’re wondering what it means and why he does it.

First of all, talk is cheap. This is why we should try to abstain from listening too much to what people say and rather look at what they do. I’m not talking here about some hyper-vigilance or an absolute lack of trust but just about making conclusions based on reality and not on wishful thinking. Let me share with you a personal example. Once in my early twenties I went away for holiday to a different country and had what you’d call a summer fling. I didn’t treat it too seriously but then the guy started to convince me our countries are not too far apart and that we could make it work if we wanted to. Having had experience with a long(er) distance relationship I knew it was difficult but not impossible. As he kept sweet talking me I started to trust his words and eventually warmed up to the idea. When the time for me to go came he said he loved me to which I didn’t reply as honestly this wasn’t how I felt. He took my email address and we said our goodbyes, he promised to write but never did. I definitely was less into the thing than he was initially but when I was back home and he didn’t write I suddenly started to care (never, ever trust such a feeling!). I convinced myself he must have lost my email address and must be suffering from a horrible heartache. I even asked a friend who was in touch with his friend to send him the email address again. Nothing came out of it either. I was desperate, upset and sure that the guy was dying of love for me, when the cruel world made it impossible for him to get in touch (cause how was I supposed to know that the friend who was to regive him the email address actually did it?). I confided the story in a friend who just said calmly: Don’t you think that if he really loved you, he would have found a way to get in touch? And here there was the enlightenment! (Which to be honest took me a month more to process). The guy liked to talk. Perhaps there was even a moment when he believed in what he said, but following with actions was too much. Maybe his feelings faded as soon as I got on the bus and maybe he tried to get me to agree to long distance just because he wanted me to want him. Who the hell knows? The fact is I should have treated his words lightly and ended up having nice memories of a summer romance. Instead, I took it all seriously and was quite hurt in the end. Conclusion: take to heart to what’s said to you ONLY if actions follow.

Easier said than done, you probably think. Sure, I know men can have very convincing excuses of why they can’t be with you or fully commit at the moment. Unfortunately, all these things are exactly that: excuses. If people want something they grab it with both hands. They may be scared, they may feel that it’s not the right moment or the circumstances are challenging but they just go for it anyway. Which is why, when a man tells you things about how amazing you are and how much he likes you but doesn’t make an effort to make things work between you two because “things are complicated”, you should walk away. He may like you a little bit, he may be sort of into you but he has already decided it’s not enough to make it happen. Sometimes he won’t even give you the excuses, but instead will keep telling you sweet things without making an actual effort to get closer to you. There was this guy in my life, for instance, who claimed to really REALLY like me. According to his words we were a perfect match. What does it mean, though, in the eyes of the reality in which 2 out of 3 times I actually saw him was at the parties I organized. Needless to say these are the perfect circumstances to full yourself you’re onto something real which will turn into a relationship.

You’re probably asking yourself why do they do it, then. Why do they say things they don’t mean and why don’t they just leave you alone? The answers are numerous and depend on the guy and the circumstances. Some guys want a friends with benefits relation but are scared to offer it so instead they lead you on into thinking that one day you’ll be an item. Others, like to have a lot of backpocket girls to always have someone out there willing to hang out with them and give them some attention. Another group really likes you but not in the right way so they friend zone you (throw a stone first who’s never done it!). Last but not least, there are guys that may like the idea of a relationship with you but not its reality. The point isn’t to figure out why they do it because if you think too much about it, you’ll find some perfect excuse why the guy can’t be with you now but once the problem is sorted he will and you’ll just wait for him instead of moving on. I get it that you like him. We’ve all been there! We liked someone who for whatever reason didn’t like us back enough. It’s a big blow to the ego to realize that we’re being rejected. The point is, however, that if you just want to keep liking him, you’re not paying attention to all the guys that may be out there and who’ll be truly into you. If you honestly compare what he’s been saying to you with what he’s been doing and you see a big discrepancy don’t sugar coat it. Realize today he’s not a man of his word and tomorrow you’ll be one day closer to the moment when you’re over him.

To sum up, people talk a lot and often they don’t mean what they say. It’s not cool but unfortunately it’s up to the listener to draw the right conclusions from such behaviors.

Hello, my Dearest Rinsers! Does that sound familiar? Ever experienced such behaviors? Or perhaps you’re the one who talks too much but doesn’t mean it? Tell me your secrets in the comments section, pretty please.