Book Review: So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson

so you've been publicly shamed

I discovered Jon Ronson earlier this year thanks to his very compassionate TED Talk “When online shaming goes too far“. I agreed with his ideas however unpopular they are in the modern world, where we’re okay with shaming people for a thing they’ve done or allegedly done wrong and then join the crowd in destroying their lives. Do you really think that shaming people online is harmless or perhaps that some people “deserve it”? Then read on…

In “You’ve Been Publicly Shamed” Ronson explores some of the most famous cases of shaming: the tweet of Justine Sacco, Jonah Lehrer’s books that included fabrications, Max Mosley’s sex party with allegedly Nazi uniforms and many others you have certainly heard about. The structure of the book is a bit chaotic so I’ll try to discuss briefly its most important points:

Is It Even True?

The first problem with shaming and particularly with online shaming that Ronson points out is that often what people are getting bent out of shape about is often just an interpretation. In a way the source of the outrage becomes irrelevant very quickly. People join in madness in the blink of an eye and no one tries to discover the real story. Those who disagree with the shaming crowd keep quiet, scared to be shamed as well.

Even If It Is True, Do They Deserve It? 

The first scenario when what you’ve said has been misinterpreted or presented in a bad light is even more tragic. However, even if the shamed person has done something wrong the question remains whether they deserve to get the treatment they get and have their lives ruined. We all make mistakes and some mistakes should be punished but is an eternal punishment not a bit too harsh?
People online say the worst stuff about those who are being shamed. Particularly women are often threatened and sent death and rape wishes. Both men and women are being called names. Sure, it’s not okay to do what they did but two wrongs don’t make it right.
Very often as a result of the outrage they end up losing their jobs whether the allegations are true or not because people don’t want to be associated with them.
When the madness subsides and someone else becomes the new victim of the crowd, the lives of people who have been shamed do not get back to normality. The magic of Google makes it possible for people to find your dirty little secret very quickly and no one wants to hire you for a very long time. Can you imagine dating after such an experience? You’re even in trouble if you just share the name with the person who’s been shamed.

Other Considerations

Ronson discusses many other things in the book that I won’t go into details of but that make it even more worth reading:

  • new laws in Europe making it possible for people to “whitelist” their names
  • the very pricey specialist who may help you “whitelist” your name
  • the history of shaming
  • other ways of modern shaming
  • Twitter bots used to create fake Twitter accounts
  • the best way to handle shaming if it happens to you

#zlotybaby’s Insight

The book is well written, if somewhat chaotic and it’s a very quick read. It’ll likely leave you a bit shaken, though. If you’ve ever participated in shaming you may start feeling very very bad about it now that you know what kind of consequences it has on a person. After all, whatever they’ve done, they’re still human. We LOVE being righteous and if someone is wrong it gives us a great opportunity to do so. However, isn’t shaming others a lame way to feel better about ourselves? Besides, who hasn’t said something stupid in their lives or something that could be misinterpreted?
I guess my main conclusion after reading this book is that we should try to be compassionate and not assume the worst of others. We should also remember that our actions matter and that with a mindless reshare can contribute to someone’s pain.

For those who think that we should pay forever for even the smallest mistakes, I’m leaving some food for thought with this video about a man, who actually used to do bad things but turned his life around. Watch the TED talk by Christian Picciolini here.

Have you ever participated in online shaming? Have you ever been shamed? Do you think that people deserve forgiveness or should they pay forever for their mistakes? I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Lessons From #EnglishRosiee’s Tinder Hiatus

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As our loyal Rinsers may already know, the latter half of 2018 was not the greatest period in #englishrosiee’s romantic life. Following the long-awaited break-up with the second major love of my life, I decided to get straight back onto the dating horse and fall onto faces at Mavericks (keeping it classy, right there!). The universe intervened and had me basically deported to my beloved Blighty. In hindsight, this was probably both good in terms of preventing my own social suicide/general self-destruction and also for the safety of the unsuspecting Tinder men of Cape Town. Of course, #englishrosiee being her unhinged self continued to keep things interesting with her failed intention of tindering up a storm in London Town. As fate would have it, the light and fluffy entertainment that she had hoped to find in her motherland didn’t materialise and instead she had quite the epic winter fling which ended as quickly as it began. Thankfully, before she had time to cause any more drama and bring shame on the family, she found herself on a flight back to Cape Town!

And breathe! After all that, as I’m sure you could imagine, it came time for me to take stock and call a time out on the whole dating business. Not only had all this drama made me bitter, twisted and hateful about dating but I found myself lacking the strength to engage in any meaningful conversations with humans in general. So, as I stood in long AF passport control at Cape Town International Airport, I decided I needed to take a proper break from all forms of dating paraphernalia and so there I stood deleting Tinder, Bumble and the like for the first time in +/- 3 years and with no handsome male specimen to fill the void that that those apps would leave behind.

Welcome to the Tinder Hiatus, my friends. An interesting social experiment, some might say. I’m not sure. Jury’s still out on that one. But it was certainly a introspective learning experience if nothing else and here are a few of my findings : 

Swiping Is A Time Killer…

Once upon a time #zlotybaby and I would laugh as we’d be out with friends and suddenly all take a break to swipe simultaneously. Of course, it seemed like a LOL at the time but the novelty quickly wears off. Swiping is time consuming. And it’s not just the swiping, it’s all the repetitive conversations you need to have. Most of which don’t lead to anything (soooo many TALKERS). Then if you eventually make it onto a date, factor the time spent getting ready for the date (I’m usually very minimal effort these days, but the first time I popped on a pair of heels, it worked in my favour), time travelling to the date (unless you become a pro and start suggesting the pub next door for happy hour drinks – it’s great for making a quick getaway), then the time spent on the date itself (yes, there have been magical first dates but let’s just say it’s a numbers game and the bad dates outnumber the butterfly-inducing ones quite dramatically!). So, all in all, modern forms of dating are time-consuming. Well done, #englishrosiee, for stating the obvious.

And You Can Achieve Great Things When You Remove ‘Swiping’ From Your To-Do List

So, the moment I stopped swiping I suddenly had a tonne of extra time on my hands. Add to this the fact that I took a break from booze (that friendly enabler that stopped me putting a gun to my head after many a bad date) and much of my social life went out the window. So yup, instead of living in a constant state of hungover and striving for a gold medal in the dating Olympics, I did lots of nice things. I inhaled lots of books (also scouted for boys at the bookshop, mind you!). I started planting vegetables (hopefully, they might survive longer than most of my relationships). Oh, and I did an infuriating 1000 piece puzzle. And also indulged in far too much Netflix. But follow my instabrag  (englishrosiee_rinsebeforeuse) to see more of the good things I did when I wasn’t swiping my life away.

Finding A Date Without The Internet is Hard

So when I decided to delete my dating apps I had no intention of not dating. I was just tired and bit disillusioned by all the groundwork. Of course, there are some guys that cut to the chase and after you’ve established they aren’t likely to be a serial killer you’ve got yourself a date within the next couple of days. But there are all those that need complete rundown of your life including what you favourite colour is and what your parents do for a living (no jokes). It got to the point when I just couldn’t deal with all this BS, but I was still up for a real-life connection.

Ha! But where to find such a thing? I initially had to romantic ideas of meeting the man of my dreams at a bookshop (well… until a friend had me watch the creepy Netflix series, You). All I did was spend money on books. I tried my old stomping ground aka the gym and as much as there is plenty of eye-candy, getting your flirt on when you can barely breathe and covered in sweat isn’t the easiest task in the world. Then of course you are told to try meeting someone through your friends. Most of my friends are a) smug married couples who just hang out with other smug married couples, and I don’t have the energy or inclination to be a home-wrecker or b) singletons themselves and too busy hustling to get lucky themselves that they have no time to concern themselves with the sad state of my romantic life. And with Cape Town being Cape Town, the one potential set-up that was on the cards has yet to materialize! So ho hum!

It really does baffle me how our ancestors managed to get by without modern technology to assist them on their path to happily ever after? I suppose back then they just had to settle for the boy next door, lie back and think of England.

There is a bit of FOMO

I’ll admit at first I only missed swiping when I was really bored having exhausted all the ‘fun’ apps on my phone and I just needed another distraction. But at some point, you do begin to wonder what you might be missing out on. Although, having now re-downloaded all these apps, I can honestly tell you that it’s not much. And Cape Town being the small world that it is, you’ll soon see guys you swiped/dated years ago are still doing the rounds.

But Eventually You Realise That You Are Doing Yourself No Favours By Being A Hater of Apps

So yes, while single life (read: not proactively dating but also not resigning yourself to life of sad spinsterhood) has its perks, and I can see it becoming increasingly comfortable and stress-free (I’ll write more about that in a follow-up post), its basically just a happy middle ground and nothing more. While it’s certainly OK to take a time out when you feel you are getting a bit disillusioned with the world of modern dating, I don’t think humans are meant to abstain from romantic relations for too long (because as my fave WISO always told me that is how you regain your virginity!). So…unless I missed the memo and someone out there knows of a more productive, organic way of finding happily ever after (or even just a bit of attention), it seems to me that dating apps are a necessary evil when it comes to modern romance. So must just accept it for what it is, take the good with the bad and continue plodding along.

So Rinsers. Have you ever taken a similar break from online dating? Did it do you any good? Do you agree that dating apps are a necessary evil when it comes to modern dating? Or do you have some alternative suggestions of ways to find #happilyeverafter? And how the hell did previous generations manage without such things? Pewk on the page in the comments section below. Please and thank you. 

 

 

Book Review : Everything I Know About Love By Dolly Alderton

Everythhing-I-Know-About-Love-By-Dolly-Alderton

Having recently reactivated my online dating profiles I made a rather scathing comment after being reminded of the limited type of men available to me in the Mother City. I’m afraid the comment is too un-PC, even for this blog (it involved some reference to Brit TV channel) so I’ll leave that to your imagination (and I’ll give you #zlotybaby’s famous 2 rand if you guess right). The friend I was bitching to LOL’d and commented that it was quite refreshing to see how my taste in men/romantic perspectives had changed so dramatically in the space of two years which subsequently made me think of a book I’d read earlier this year.

Following the abrupt end of a lovely winter fling just prior to Valentine’s Day (I have the BEST luck!) I picked up a copy of Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton. It’s just the type of book you need if you’ve just been ceremoniously dumped, done something idiotic or simply don’t feel like you are where you should be in life or are feeling a bit sorry for yourself.  The book is an autobiographical account of how the author’s perspective on love changes as she grows up. I would also go as far as to say it is one of the best (non-intentional) self-help books I’ve ever read!

Basically it takes the reader from those embarrassing school girl crushes that we supposedly have in our teens (I was still acting like a teenager in my 20s – late bloomer and all!), through the madness of student life where you basically fall onto faces that you only have vague recollections of when your friends debrief you on the previous nights events (yep, we’ve all been there!), to your early 20s when you start to feel like you might be finding a purpose in life and getting things on the right track till BOOM the universe bitch slaps you with some god-awful life experiences!

It’s definitely a nice piece of chick-lit which will really have you LOL’ing. It’s an easy read but not in the usual trashy sense. In many ways, this book contains the sort of things many girls would have wished they’d known as a teen. I don’t know about y’all but I often find myself wanting to punch those older, influential people around me in the face for not telling certain things when I was growing up. To give you the most basic of examples, when I was a chubby (bordering on obese) kid growing up, I always thought I’d never get lucky because guys were only into those blond chicks with super model-esque figures. Not true. As I’ve grown up I’ve had first hand experience of how it really is a case of different strokes for different folks with ex-boyfriends feeding me doughnuts telling me they’d dump my skinny ass if I ever start looking like those yoga-bunny types I’ve always aspired to be (see kids, chubby-chasers are real!). Anyway, I’m sure you’ll also find lots of useful bits of information, you may know now but wish you’d known when you were younger!

It’s not all about romantic love, as the title may trick you into believing. It is also about the general ups and downs we experience growing up – partying hard, getting drunk, navigating the job market, learning to stand on your own two feet (and getting knocked down in the process), and having  a few good friends who are there by your side through it all. It’s basically a more real, less glamorous, more British account of Sex and the City. And I’ll pretty much say the same thing about it as said about the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel…it’s funny, but it’s super funny if you are a Brit. I mean there are some references that you’ll pretty much only get if you grew up in Blighty!

So, all in all, it’s just a really lovely, generally hilarious (but sad in some parts) book about getting older and muddling through life. And I think the best thing about the book is that if your feeling like a bit of a dumb-ass whether it’s a case of falling in ‘love’ too quickly or falling down drunk and making a fool of yourself, it’ll make you realise you are not alone in your stupidity. All the idiotic things you’ve done have likely been done before, and as much of a numpty as you might feel about it now, you’ll likely come out the other side just fine. So if you or one of mates needs a bit of a boost or a little reassurance, Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love, is sure to provide just that. Go read!

 

 

 

What Is Your Number? : The Sensitive Subject of How Many Sexual Partners A Person Should Have In A Lifetime

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Once upon a time #zlotybaby caused some serious drama which eventually resulted in poor little #englishrosiee being savagely evicted on to the street 4 days before the end of the month simply by starting a Friday night drinks discussion around the subject of how many sexual partner’s a person had had. Understandably, this can be a sore spot for some. You’d think those that’d be more sensitive about revealing their number would likely be the 30-something virgin or perhaps the WISO who’d lost count of their conquests. However, what our case study from yesteryear highlighted that regardless as to where you stand on the spectrum of sexual experience : ‘What Is Your Number ?’ remains a question that tends to stir up a bunch of emotions.

Why does it matter?

It shouldn’t, really. However, let’s face it. The world is one hell of a judgmental place.

Obviously, it depends on the context one is operating in but your number has the potential to say a lot about you. You are all well aware of feelings about 30-something virgins, and I know for sure that most people around me feel the same way, although they may not be so brutally vocal about it. We live in a society that is pretty sex-obsessed, holding onto your V-card so late in life would be seen to be rather odd. However, in a deeply religious society the reaction would be quite the opposite. As hard as it may be to believe, there are still societies where you’d never dream of walking down the aisle with a popped cherry! Then again, as sex-obsessed as our society is, if your sexual conquests start to hit double or triple figures, chances are you’ll still get judged for being sexually promiscuous. Clearly, there is no pleasing some people.

And naturally, living in a man’s world the nature of the judgement you’ll face when comes to talking about notches on your bed post is likely to vary depending on your gender. There are plenty of people that’ll say things are changing but to be honest guys are still more likely to be openly bragging about their conquests than us chicks.

How do you handle such a question?  

Of course, ‘What’s Your Number ?’ along with a whole host of other personal questions such as : ‘When are you going to find a man and settle down?’, ‘When is he putting a ring on it?’ or ‘Why are you waiting so long to procreate?‘, are invasive and quite frankly none of anyone’s business. However, most people don’t give two hoots about your personal sensitivities and will go ahead and ask anyway.  So how do you deal with it?

Well, you can be brutally honest and say, call them a pervert and tell them to do one because the minutiae of your sex life has nothing to do with them. But that isn’t likely to win you any mates. You also have the option to lie. Pull a number out of the sky and go with it. Who is going to know any better? And if it shuts the gossip mongers up for a bit then it’s all good. Finally, you can totally just be out and proud of your number. Look them in the eye and let them bring on that judgement. That though, is probably easier said than done.

How about in a relationship?

So it’s one thing telling a random down the pub to keep their nose out of your business or lying to a bunch of chicks at a hen party but how about when it comes to discussing your sexual history with a significant other? It’s bound to come in conversation at some point or another. And sure, they are into you and an arbitrary number won’t necessarily change that. But let’s be honest, the judgement is still going to be there although it maybe a bit more subtle and hopefully a little less mean-spirited. There is always a some degree of comparing yourself with your person’s past. Imagine having to follow in the footsteps of a former geisha or a yoga instructor Pressure’s on! And let’s not even get started on the responsibility that’s placed on your shoulder’s if you know you’re somebody’s first time!

Whatever the case though, if you are with a good human who truly has feelings for you, even if some judgement (or panic) exists following a discussion of your sexual history,  hopefully it won’t be much cause for conversation, they’ll get over their issues pretty fast, move on to more important things (read: the bedroom!) instead of dwelling on the past.

What about the facts?

As I said in my recent post about the Sex Recession, because we live in an age where we are bombarded by images of sex, songs about sex, blogs about sex (hehe!), we are often tricked into believing that everybody around is getting loads of lovely, lovely bedroom acrobatics on tap.  The truth is though that it would probably be unwise to give up your Virgin (In) Active membership so soon because most people, including both those in and out of relationships, cannot rely on their fellow humans for their cardio sessions.

So for the facts. According to the most recent survey I could find quoted on the interweb, the average number of sexual partners a person has in their lifetime is …. (about) 7! Obviously, that figure changes depending on your sex (i’m sure most guys are gonna be higher), location (the survey was based on people in the UK/US), sexuality (gay/straight/a-sexual or undecided), as well as your propensity to lie (as it how you judge your own number and what you regard as prudish/sexually promiscuous!)

So, basically its really difficult to gauge an average number of sexual partners a person should have had by a certain point in their lives. It’s an incredibly complicated matter. For instance, you could have had a lot of (s)experience in terms of number of partners but never experience good sex and the big O. At the end of the day, while one’s sexual history can put some of us on edge, these types of invasive question provide nothing more than ice-breaker for those somewhat mindless booze-fueled conversations. It’s not a topic that should necessarily make you re-think your life or change the world. So get angry, lie, deflect or stand your ground. It’ll be yesterday’s news soon enough.  From a more serious point of view though whether you choose to hold your V-card for evermore or treat sex as a sport and play the field, be safe, try to make sensible decisions that you can live with the morning after and don’t come home with anything that can’t be cured by antibiotics.

Rinsers, it’s over to you. What’s Your Number? An overly invasive question or a good starting point for a bit of banter on a Friday night? How would you go about answering the question yourself? How much does it matter? And what does it say about the way we judge people according to the level of sexual experience? Are you surprised by 7 being a rough average? Let’s chat in the comment section below. 

 

 

 

 

 

You Won’t Change Your Life in 30 Days (or 90 days or Whatever)

change_your_lifeHello beautiful Rinsers! I’ve missed you! Today I’m going to talk about something which I think is very important in our culture that focuses on quick fixes. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about – all these lose weight/change your mindset/quit smoking etc etc in 30 days self-help books and programmes.
For the record,  I’m not being a hater here because you can certainly BEGIN to change that quickly but I really think more realistic expectations would help people stay on track and improve their lives long-term.

Example 1: Losing weight and becoming fit

Especially if you have not been an active person and you haven’t been eating well most of your life, it’s very easy to jump start your weight loss. Your body will go into shock because of your new habits and you’ll lose weight in no time. What’s the problem then? Sooner or later you’ll stop losing weight at an astounding rate you got used to. Your body won’t be in shock forever and your weight loss may either slow down or stop entirely. Who wants to do all the work and see no results? No one. This is the reason why a lot of people either 1) become more restrictive with their diets and exercise regimes and develop unhealthy and unsustainable habits or 2) get demotivated and get back to their old habits, which now are likely to cause a yo-yo effect. If you’re just chasing the high, the low will get you.

What’s the solution then?

Try to make sustainable goals, depending on your current fitness/eating habits. Do you eat junk food every day and binge on sweets? Try to address one problem at a time by first decreasing such behaviours and then making them an exception (which btw you should allow yourself to make from time to time guilt free). Add two exercise sessions per week to that and you’ll start to see sustainable results.
The big plus of such an approach is that you start enjoying the small changes and you can truly incorporate them into your life. With restrictive diets and quick fixes, you feel like something is being taken away from you and you’re likely to rebel against it or just feel like you live a life of deprivation. Healthy lifestyle is a marathon and not a sprint. Don’t listen to friends and acquaintances offering you overnight effects. Make small, sustainable changes instead and your results will last for a life time.

Example 2: Changing your mindset

This is even more difficult than changing your eating and exercise habits. Why? Losing weight and becoming fit will get you a LOT of approval in our, let’s be honest, superficial culture. Your friends will tell you that you look great and even if some will hate on you for saying “no” to gorging on Pick’n’Pay cake for colleague’s bday, your visible effects should keep you motivated. Now, with changing your mindset, things are much more difficult because culturally there are many wrong believes that are accepted. Just as an example, many women still believe that men are cheaters or abusers and this is just the way they are. It will not gain you popularity to decide for yourself that it’s not true and refuse to accept so little for yourself. People will get upset with you and resent you as a result. “Does she think she’s better than us?” they will ask, which may make it difficult for you to upkeep your change. The same will go to saying “no” to anything that’s socially accepted and expected but you don’t feel is good for you (examples include: becoming less stressed, deciding worrying is pointless, saying “no” to fear-mongering, not indulging in constant complaining or in gossip…).

What’s the solution then?

Decide what matters to you and stick to it, whatever others say. It’s difficult, it’s challenging but if it’s important to you, it’s important to you. You have one life.

Example 3: Bad habits

Maybe it’s the New Year’s Resolutions Time and maybe you’ve just decided to change your life. This is why you will now quit smoking, get rid off all your pot or stop overspending. From now on you’re going to be perfect! For a day or two… and then you’ll fail. If you aim high and you rely solely on your will and self-determination, it’s a really rough ride. Think about it! Your life won’t change overnight so you’ll still have to deal with your friends who smoke or ads on TV encouraging you to spend.

What’s the solution then?

I’m not saying here that going cold turkey is always a bad solution and it never works. There are also some drugs for which it’s the only way forward but I really hope that you’re not addicted to any of those. For most of us mortals, however, getting rid off bad habits is much more successful long-term if you change them gradually.
When I eventually successfully quit smoking (touch wood), I started by cutting down to 10 cigarettes a day and then downgrading slowly but surely. When I was down to 1 cigarette per week I stopped enjoying smoking and I realised how it affects me negatively (increased anxiety, immediate but temporarily shortness of breath). At 1 per month I found it gross. I haven’t had a cigarette in 4 years but I’m still craving one as I’m telling you this. This just shows that it may take 21 days to change a habit but that doesn’t mean that your inclinations towards it disappear entirely.

Growth in life should be constant and you should strive to keep improving every day. Once you’ll lose weight you may figure out that you want to cut down on sugar too not just on calories. When you’ll stop dating bad boys, it’ll be time to focus on meeting the good ones. And so on and so forth. There’s no change in life that will change EVERYTHING and you’re setting yourself up for a disappointment, if you think that what you’re currently striving for will make you a completely new person in 30 or 90 days or whatever it is that your current plan assumes.

The Sex Recession – Are We Living In an Overwhelmingly Sexless Society ?

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Apparently, stats show that rates of sexual activity are declining (well, at least in the Western world where they have enough time/money to research such things!). But honestly, I didn’t need some complicated research paper to tell me that, its obvious from the world around me. Sure, people might claim to be sexually liberated and free to discover a whole host of weird and wonderful sexual activities – sex with men, women, elderly people, groups of people, best friends, randoms from the club, randoms you’ve held a five minute conversation with…and if things get really tough you can always pay for it and if you are broke you can have a healthy sexual relationship with your hand (I’m told sex toys are getting pricey these days!). We live in a world where pretty much anything goes. But if you ask me, its all a bit of a facade.

Sure, in our 20s it was easy enough to hit the club and if you were somewhat pretty/handsome and on the pull you’d be likely to end up taking some generic guy/girl home for a one-nighter. Things are different the older we get – we have other priorities and wild nights become few and far between. By now you already know what I think about relationship girls vs. WISOs – relationships require more effort and may look a bit boring at times but in my experience, those are the people getting the best sex on tap. The WISO story is a bit of fairytale – even the hottest girl on the block is unlikely to be bedding a different bloke every night and even if they are, the bedroom antics are probably less than satisfactory.  That said, people are taking longer to settle down but surely that shouldn’t mean they have to be pretty much celibate in the interim, right?

I get angsty if I haven’t had any action in a few months ( and like I mentioned last time, my biggest concern when being deported back to my homeland was that of regaining my virginity due to lack of opportunities to get lucky) but then again I take comfort in knowing that the situation is so much worse for others. I’ve heard of those who’ve had sex droughts that have lasted years and worse still there are those that in their 30s that are not only still waiting to have that cherry seen to but are yet to be kissed. Oh my! It really is a sad state of affairs. It really does look like we are sexless generation. Sigh.

This article provides a in-depth look into the reasons why this maybe the case. Factors mention include the growing popularity of porn (you have a access to all your wildest sexual fantasies without having to interact with a dumb ass human – win/win apparently!). DIY/Sex Toys (again, why bother interacting with humans when you can DO you), the prioritization of career/education/independence over relationships (after all, your job/degree won’t wake up one day and decide to vacate the house leaving you with nothing more than a cat for company – true story of a tinder boy!), the Tinder mirage (yes, people call it the hookup app but in reality we all know its easier said than done to meet a compatible match and it is more of a time-killer than anything else) #metoo (not in the sense that consensual sex is a bad thing but our preoccupation with consent makes it harder for people to make the necessary moves), our obsession with technology killing our chances of meeting someone organically (e.g.the moment we have some downtime we are glued to the screens of our smartphones), the paradox of choice (there are so many options to explore, that we are all to afraid to settle for a relationship which could offer us stability and regular sex!), our obsession with looks/the increase in obesity (we aim too high and dismiss people that could potentially be a good match or the basis of looks. And increasing rates of obesity in an age where people are obsessed with looking good, makes it hard for those people to get laid. Plus, its not unheard of to be fat and fit,  but sure, obesity probably makes the cardio aspect of sexual activity a little more difficult!).

And this doesn’t just apply to single people either. Of course, I still stand by my belief about relationship people having better/more regular sex than the WISO and its male-equivalent. However, I realise that my argument is all good theoretically but isn’t flawless in reality.  I mean I’ve heard of people in relationships who’ve admitted to scheduling sex (spontaneity is overrated it seems). Then there are decade long long-distance relationships where the two parties only physically meet each other for 2 weeks of the year (Skype sex counts, maybe?). And worse still, there are those in relationships, and even marriages  who don’t engage in any fornication at all. I think you’d be surprised how many married people sleep in separate beds. Why ??!?? I just can’t deal.  I once had a friend at high school, who at the age of 15, still believed that her parents had only had sex twice in their lives, once to make her and once to make her brother. Everyone scoffed at the idea and awww’d at her innocence. A decade or two later, I’m beginning to think she may have had a point.

I’m sure there are some people that’ll say I’ve got it all wrong and to them, I probably come across as some sex-obsessed man-eater. Surely,  relationships shouldn’t be based on copulation? And I agree that there is more to a good relationship than regular orgasms. But that said, I certainly think it should be part of any healthy relationship. Of course, you don’t expect people to be going at it like rabbits once the relationship is more established and there are obviously other priorities in play. But it should still feature, right? Otherwise, really whats the point of all this dating/relationship malarky anyway? For company? Get a dog. To have someone to talk to? Stop being a Billie No Mates and find some friends. So that you won’t die alone? Well….there is no guarantee this isn’t going to happen in any case. Your husband/wife/life-partner, etc may just kick the bucket before you. An idiot once told me, we come into this world alone and we’ll leave alone. He had a point. To procreate? So, you’ve passed on your genetic code. Now what? Surely, intimacy is what sets romantic relationships apart from all those we have with friends, family and sentient beings.

And when it comes to the reasoning behind why we are such a sexless generation ? I have no clues. I don’t think it is enough to blame porn, dating apps or obesity rates. The only thing I can think of is that maybe its just a case of messed up perceptions. Maybe the fact that the media bombards us with sex the whole time spurs us to spend much of our lives thinking, talking and even blogging about sex but less time actually getting in on the act. Who the hell knows? Just seems like a sad, sad, situation to me.

So Rinsers, Whats your take on this sad state of affairs? Are we living through a sex recession? Is it something we need to be concerned about? Is bedroom acrobatics all that important or are there bigger things we should be worrying about when it comes to human relationships? And is it more of a problem for the singletons or does it apply attached people too? Tell me you views in the comments below. 

#EnglishRosiee’s Adventures in Exile : Sexcapades in London Town

love

As you may or may not know dear rinsers, earlier this year the RS of A decided that my expertise as a ‘sex blogger’ were CRITICAL to the country’s economy and decided to  grant me the great honour of continuing my research into the unique species of Tinder men found in the area surrounding Table Mountain. Ha! But this was not before they decided to send me packing back to homeland for an indefinite period of time (and in the middle of winter – ugh! how can people be so heartless?!). Despite lots of initial bitching and moaning about the weather, the sad state of affairs that was/is my life and having no option but to move back in with your parents in your 30s (karma just kicked my ass for all the times I laughed at those mummy’s boys #stayhumble!), I eventually decided to make the best of my time in exile and do some explorations into dating in Brexit Britain. Considering the last time I was single in Blighty was almost a decade ago, I knew from the get-go that things were certainly going to be interesting and a much needed change from small world dating in the Mother City that I had become accustomed to.  Today peeps, let me enlighten y’all about my discoveries from London Town:

Online Dating/Mating is So Mainstream (So Much So That They Want To Take It Offline Again!)

Let’s start by stating the obvious. Everyone and their dog is doing online dating these days. Even if you have your heart set on meeting the woman/man of your dreams organically, you are likely to have come to terms that without some sort of online dating presence you are pretty much resigning yourself to a lifetime of sad Spinster/Bachelorhood.

That said, I still find there is an element of taboo when it comes to revealing that you are actively Tindering. Even established couples and married folk get a bit sheepish when you ask them how the met and the story somehow involves the internet. But in case you didn’t get the memo that internet dating is totally legit and not only for ugly trolls sitting behind a computer screen wearing dirty PJs, in London they’ll spell it out for you. Tinder is sexy (apparently!) so much so that they’ll plaster that message on the side of double decker London bus. You can’t even escape it on your commute to work – dating platforms bombard you with their advertising all over the Tube too.

And if that wasn’t enough, if you are a bit of Billie No Mates you can now even legitimately use dating apps to find new friends. No jokes. Bumble BFF, anyone? It really is an actual thing! Oh, and if you’ve tried it all, then buck the trend and take it offline and head to Valentine’s Day Lock and Key Party.  Sure, you’ll probably find some French bloke shouts at you for attending such an event the day before your return to deepest darkest Africa but it’ll at least provide a good LOL if nothing else.

London Has Something For Everyone

We all know that Londoner’s like to brag about living in cosmopolitan bubble within the god-awful Brexit island. But Cape Town’s diverse too, right? Yeah But No But. Cape Town being the small world that it is, if you are someone who has a particularly niche type e.g. religious fanatics, OAPs, guys that are 6’0 and over (yes, I admit I’m a height Nazi) you’ll exhaust your options here pretty quickly.

But not in the Big Smoke. In London, you’ll find specific platforms for every type of person imaginable. If you ask me it’s a good thing.  You know my views about being unapologetic about your deal breakers rather than wasting people’s time by being overly PC. Basically, having so many niche platforms means : a) people are more likely to find what they want/need/fantasize over and b) it frees up the regular apps for those of us that don’t really have a clue about setting deal breakers. I mean if all the Bible Bashers remove themselves from Tinder and head over to JesusSingles.CO.UK it means a godless chick like me is less likely waste precious childbearing  falling for some closet happy clappy church bunny who’ll only reveal his #TeamGod membership card 6 months down the line. Win/Win, I say!

A little LOL for y'all!

A little LOL for y’all!

London Chicks Have It Good and It’s Expensive Being A Single Guy In London

London is ridiculously expensive, we all know that. Call me a gold digger, un-feminist or whatever you want but I’m not going to lie…part of the reason I justified Tindering overseas was a) just as a form of an entertainment and b) I figured if the wealthy Tinder men of London were willing to ply with gin cocktails at ten quid a pop who was I to complain! Chatting to one old lothario mate of mine, I learnt that as a rule of thumb guys in London are expected to fork out at least £100 on a date with a chick that they were really interested in. And it isn’t too hard to do I suppose.

Men in London seem eager to flash their cash. And its not all talk like here in Cape Town. I mean I’ve had Cape Town boys tell me all about their Porsche (that’s in for a service) and their lavish holiday home in Hermanus, etc but you are always left wondering if they are rolling in it why they still insist on living with mummy dearest in Edgemead! London geezers on the other hand, will pull out all the stops. Tell them you’ll have a glass of house white (seriously, never do that if you are accustomed to good SA wine!) and they’ll present you with a bottle of the finest French champagne. And if that’s not rinse worthy enough, ask nicely enough and you may even find a fella to fund your boob job (no jokes!).

A Change of Scenery Can Work Wonders

LOLs aside, wouldn’t it be nice if we all could afford to take an Eat Pray Love type holiday every time we went through a break up? Sadly, I’m not Julia Roberts and the best I could hope for when trying to get an ex out of my system would likely be a weekend away in Pringle Bay. And even then Cape Town being as it is, you are bound to bump into the ex you’re frantically trying to forget at some point in your everyday life. But sometimes by a weird twist of fate, you get exiled to the other side of the world. As much as you might be bitter about being forced to leave on someone else’s terms,  you might find the change of scenery to be just the thing you needed.

They always say the best way to get over one guy is to get under another. That’s all well and good, if you are actually ready to move on and actually have the physical space to do so. It’s not so easy if that ex is still on your radar. In such cases, as much as you busy yourself swiping and dating up a storm chances are each mediocre date will leave you feeling blue at best or throwing precious gin at racists because its the only way to deal with your frustrations (I truly regret wasting that precious resource!). But travel to the other side of the world and you may suddenly notice the switch flip – and without having your past within touching distance its far easier to date again without being an A-grade bitch and unfairly comparing every guy you Tinder with to the one that broke your heart.

It’s Always Easier To Chase Stories When You Know You Are Not There To Stay

Whether it’s inviting the Winter Fling you’ve known for 10 days to meet 4 generations of your family at Christmas, taking a Bumble date to a Valentine’s Day Lock and Key Party and promptly ditching him for a better option, or just dating as a form of market research when considering future relocation options, it’s always easier to be a bit silly and chase stories when you know you aren’t really staying somewhere long-term. Maybe it’s something about being in holiday mode that makes us all a little more care-free and less worried about the repercussions of our actions. Sure, you’ll accumulate some bad karma by playing the fool but at least you’ll return home with a few stories for all those bitching and moaning sessions you’ve missed out while trapped in exile.

BUT The Universe Always Has The Last LOL 

As always  no matter where in the world you go, the moment you think you’ve got got this whole dating malarkey under control, the universe will be sure to rear its ugly head. You mentally prepare yourself to have a bit of fun, nothing too serious, a few expensive bevs and a bit of good British banter. You’re even decent enough to tell the Tinder folk that you are only in town for a short while and simply looking for some holiday entertainment (not a hook-up!). And then BOOM! Just like that you land yourself a lucky swipe. A magical Tinder date with a real life unicorn so different from your usual type (a guy who actually reads books and doesn’t just spend his life listening to gangster rap!) that you pat yourself on the back and start believing that maybe you are finally winning at adulting! All you asked for was a freaking Christmas Special but here you are reconsidering your life path…the universe sure knows how to pick its moments. doesn’t it?

And if this wasn’t comedy enough. Just as you busy yourself telling everyone you’ve finally found a magical unicorn and BOOM! (again). The Unicorn gets cold feet, overcome by the fear of Brexit and long-distance relationships he decides that Mike Atherton is more attractive than a chick in a short skirt and flees into the wilderness never to be seen again. Sigh. Oh, but of course, the world needs to keep on LOL’ing so it ensures that you are left single, lonely and rejected by said Unicorn on the most horrific day of the year AKA Valentines. And just for shits and giggles, let’s end your vacation off in style by putting you right in the acquaintance zone (only in bloody Blighty could such a place exist!) where you belong.  Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Sigh. Thankfully, the universe is no match for your buddies who put things into perspective by reminding you that your greatest fear about returning to you motherland was that of regaining your virginity by having to live through an extended sex drought (ever cloud and all…) and that there are plenty more emotionally stunted Brits in the sea, if you should care to find one.

Ever tried swiping in a different city, Rinsers? What were your experiences? Does the dating market really differ from one place to the next or is it a case of same shit, different place? Give me your insights in the comment section below.

 

 

 

 

Chasing Stories – Keeping Life Interesting or Just Another Excuse for Drama?

chasing stories

As of very recently, I’ve removed myself from all forms of online dating. It’s mainly because I’m a bit disillusioned by it all. Even for the Queen of Laziness, who would rather meet someone face to face following just a handful of messages, it has come to feel that all the effort that goes into all the mundane conversations rarely reaps any benefit. Sigh. It’s also probably because deep down the writer in me likes to chase a good story which in my book would never begin with the line : ‘Once Upon A Time I Swiped Right…..’. Despite the fact that the vast majority of couples around me seem to have met online, a small part of me doesn’t believe that apps and computers really have a part to play in my love story.

Don’t worry, I’m not giving up on happily ever after (as I mentioned I probably like a stories too much to do such a thing). My new plan of action (which no one expects me to stick to) involves basically hanging out in somewhat poetic places where I think Prince Charming could potentially be hiding. Think bookshops, libraries, art galleries … and gyms (a man with big man muscles and brains – a girl can dream!). And in the end (well at least until I feel the need to call time on the Tinder hiatus) letting love find me (as it does in fairy tales!).

But is this strategy of ‘chasing stories’ is necessarily such a good thing or does it actually have potential to do more damage especially when feelings come into play? Would  approaching dating and relationships in a more pragmatic and less romanticized manner be more effective in terms of landing oneself the man and living happily ever after? Let’s see….

Does ‘Chasing A Story’ Just Lead To Drama?

I won’t lie part of the motivation behind the break from actively dating is that there is a little bit of hope that it’ll calm my life down a tad.  Then again, perhaps it’ll make no difference as drama will always find its way to me.  I have been told that I probably secretly enjoy a bit of commotion and therefore open myself for all sorts of heartbreak.

I mean the rush that comes with trying to manoeuvre one’s way around a small-village-like -ity while trying to squeeze one, two or maybe three dates into a night can be somewhat thrilling. And just recently, I invited a Tinder date to a single’s party only to ditch him almost immediately for a somewhat more interesting prospect.  I’m seriously lucky I didn’t get bitch slapped for that stunt.

And to be fair, if you gave me a nice wholesome guy with a decent office job, I’d probably bitch and moan about how much time he wanted to spend with his mum and go running straight into the (nice, strong, gym bunny) arms of a man who’d rather be conveniently shacked up with a ‘cougar’ while keeping the active wear obsessed chick  around because she is pretty to look at and provides a bit of banter.

‘Love’ Stories Keep Life Interesting

Of course, we all know that bad boys give us good stories but its not just about them and the associated drama. There can be happy stories too. Love (and life in general) shouldn’t be about always doing the sensible thing. It should involve at least a handful of risks and few adventures. Naturally, as we get older we have more responsibilities to consider when making major life decisions but isn’t there something nice about letting a holiday romance escalate into a long distance love affair, which may not have the fairy tale ending but did give you the opportunity to test your limits, throw caution to the wind and relocate to the other side of the world on a whim!

Perhaps you consider such nonsense a big waste of time, resources and money but at least such things build character and provide stories for future generations. I mean it’s got to be better than resigning yourself to an arranged marriage or a sexless existence.

Just A Matter of Perspective – How Do We Define What Makes A Good Story?

Maybe for me, a good story always involves some epic highs and lows, big drama, a bunch of adventures with a hot man and of course lots of butterflies (and perhaps a few disagreements). But then again maybe for others the greatest love story of all time simply centres around finding happily ever after with your bestie from high school. Some may argue that running off to deepest darkest Africa in pursuit of love is not all that different to saying escaping the green and pleasant land, marrying a member of ISIS and jetting off to Syria to fight for a noble cause. Different strokes…

At the end of day , playing it safe is likely to spare you some tears and heartache, that’s for sure.  However, sometimes taking risks and making mistakes makes for a better story or at least a learning experience. And while incorporating a little drama into your life can keep thing interesting, I think its important to know when to draw the line and walk away before things get out of hand. If you can manage to keep you wits about you and ensure that no-one suffers from much more than a bruised ego, there isn’t any harm in having some fun. Life can be bleak and boring , so giving people something to talk can’t be the worst of crimes, surely.

Alright Rinsers. Share your thoughts. Do you ‘chase stories’ ? Or do you steer clear of such potential drama ? Is it better to play it safe or pursue adventures despite the risk of being bitch slapped or having your heart brutally ripped to shreds? We look forward to hearing what you’ve got to say on the matter.

 

 

 

 

 

Adoption as the First Choice

adoptionLong time no see, Dear Rinsers. Today, I’ve decided to write a post that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to find on the web myself, namely about adoption as someone’s first choice.

Being a thirty year old woman in a committed relationship makes it difficult for you not to think about babies A LOT. This doesn’t have so much to do with your own cravings but rather with what people think that you should do. Whenever someone gets pregnant, organises a baby shower or you’re simply at an event full of children (all of which happen a lot to you when you turn 30), people ask you what about you (, guys)? Sometimes they’re just being mean because you’re single and obviously you won’t impregnate yourself or have a child with your friends with benefits and they want you to feel bad about yourself. Other times, they’re upset that you still have time to do things they don’t have time to do themselves. Because, seriously, why do you care and how is it any of your business when or if people will have children? And if there’s no other questions you can ask a woman in her 30’s perhaps it’s up to you to work on your worldliness and small talk skills?

Genes and Co

It’s difficult for me to reply also because I don’t want to have biological children and I don’t feel like discussing that with everyone. I always felt that way, hunted by the thought of children in orphanages who’ll never have a family. I also don’t know what’s so amazing about my genes to necessarily feel like they need to be passed to another generation and why are they allegedly better than what children in orphanages have on offer. I don’t understand why other people don’t see it that way either.
They naysayer will tell you that children in orphanages have alcoholism in their families. So do I and! In fact, my tendencies to unhealthy drinking are so strong that I quit it altogether over a year ago. They’ll tell you that the children can have mental illnesses but I myself have lived my life dealing with crippling depression, anxiety and OCD. Of course, I have some perks in my genes too and I could want to pass these on but I just don’t see why I should. Everyone has some perks in their gene, after all.
I don’t understand the idea of wanting to reproduce on the organic level that people don’t understand my attitude. The need for me to adopt was always as strong as the need of other people to have biological children is. I don’t know why it’s so but it just is.

It’s Not About the Childbirth

The painful part about wanting to adopt as your first choice when you’re a woman is that people judge you as a coward. Oh women, we can be so terrible to one another! Childbirth should never have become a pain resistance competition. And because it is there may only be one reason for you to want to avoid it – fear and weakness. You just don’t want to go through a childbirth, they say, how selfish and weak of you.
I don’t deny it either – I don’t want to go through a childbirth similarly like most people would not like to go through body altering, painful experience if they don’t see a good reason for it. And I don’t. There’s enough babies in the world and we have overpopulation.
If I felt like that was something I wanted and I felt was important for me I would do it, in the same way I went through the pain of moving to a country I knew no one in, serial dating and extensive work on myself to find the right partner or a year of waking up early on weekends and working late during the week to write a novel. I’m not avoiding pain all-together and it’s judgmental to assume that I do. Just like any reasonably being what I’m doing is striving to avoid pain that I don’t find justifiable.

Life is Suffering 

Another thing is that I’ve spent a lot of my life wishing I was never born. That’s something that most people with mental problems who often wish just not to be themselves can relate to. But even without these issues, however lucky you are in life, you’re going to suffer greatly.
Your child didn’t ask to be brought to this world and it’s going to suffer because of your doing. If you had never had it, it wouldn’t have suffered. You can, of course, decide to take this responsibility on because to you there’s more beauty than pain in life. You can also decide that this is not a place you’d like to bring another being to. The choice is as much yours to make when you decide to have biological children as it’s mine to make not to.

Giving Back to Community

I’m no saint I’d like to bring up a healthy baby but there’s something very strong in me that wants to make better a life of a child in seemingly unfavourable circumstances.
Such a baby just wants to be loved and cared for and yet, society approves of it only if it’s taken to a family as a second choice. “Agh, shame” I imagine people smirking at the sight of a white couple with their adoptive child of a different race, because their choice couldn’t have possibly be their first one. It must be, because they couldn’t conceive and here’s another reason for “ag shamers” to feel superior (and what a reason is that!).
I don’t see why such a child must be necessarily a second choice because kin or not kin we’re all human and I feel as much for such a child as I do for my sister or my mother or anyone else. Why to bring a new life to this world when you can enrich your life by bringing up someone who unless you give them a chance may never have a family? And why should they feel they’re your second choice if someone who gave birth to them already rejected them and marked them with trauma they’ll struggle with all their life?

I’m not saying adoption is for everyone. I’m not saying that it is or should be everyone’s first choice either. However, if someone tells you that it is, perhaps you should stop making stupid, judgmental comments because this isn’t something you personally want but ask them what’s the reason instead? Paraphrasing Mae West, if you’re shocked a lot, it just means you should be shocked more often. Also, why are you bulling people into having children? Aren’t there enough of them in the world, which is why there are children suffering in orphanages all around the world in the first place?

Live and let others live.

Give me you thoughts, Rinsers!

The No Contact Rule – The Answer To All Your Relationship Woes?

Portrait Of Stressed Young Woman With Cell Phone

Everyone who has ever been through a break-up (aka as anyone who had a somewhat normal existence on this earth) has probably found themselves pondering the million pound (because #englishrosiee is back in the green and pleasant land and has been told to stay away from all Americanisms) question : ‘How best can I get over this relationship?’. There are plenty of options I suppose. They do say the best way of getting over one man is to get under another. Then there is the ‘Virgin Inactive’ approach to life as I like to call it, which involves spending your life hating on the opposite sex. You could become a social recluse; resigning yourself to living in PJs, wallowing in self-pity and smashing donuts into your face forevermore. Hit up the gym and get that revenge body you’ve always wanted and make him regret ever letting you go. Or you could just drink yourself stupid every night, numb the pain for a bit and then drunk dial the one that broke your heart.

No No No No No!! Don’t do that. That’s the worst possible thing you could do, according to the internet. So lets talk about it. The No Contact Rule. If like me, you’ve never heard of something so revolutionary here is a brief synopsis. The No-Contact Rule is pretty self-explanatory really. In essence, it states that following a break-up you should cease communication between you and your ex for a certain period of time (most sources say a minimum of 3 weeks). And No Contact means just that NO CONTACT. So NO calls (drunk or otherwise), NO Whatsapps/Gchats/Skype messages, NO ‘accidentally’ bumping into your ex at the gym (cos naturally you know their schedule), NO Facebook stalking (although that’s a tricky one – if noone knows you did it, did it really happen ? Just don’t let the finger slip and LIKE anything on their profile!) and NO asking mutual friends for information either. Sigh. That’s a lot to take in.

At the grand old age of almost 33 (yuck!), I’ve been through my share of make-ups and break-ups and I honestly say I’ve never attempted such a thing, until recently. As I said, the idea is really quite revolutionary.  It’s not that a No Contact approach was never brought to my attention, it’s just nothing I a) felt the need to do or b) felt I could do even if I tried. To be fair, the whole thing makes a lot of sense. Everything about the No Contact period giving you the opportunity to get some perspective and realise that you are able to function alone. It might also allow you a bit of breathing space to consider whether the relationship or any relationship whatsoever, is what you want out of life. It also gives you and the other party time to miss each other and that’s a good thing I suppose if you hope to rekindle things somewhere down the line.

Logic vs. Love

Sure, it makes all sorts of logical sense. But life is not always about doing the logical thing. I have friends that can almost treat a break-up like a business deal (and to be fair, I’ve done the same with lesser encounters). You know you break up one day, to the left to the left everything he owns to the box to the left, throw him out of the house and don’t even wait for hi uber to arrive before you slam the door. And BOOM! that’s the last you’ll ever see of him. Yay! But there are also more significant relationships where cutting ties isn’t so simple. Those where your ex has to return to the scene of the crime within 10 mins of the break-up to make sure you are capable of driving yourself to work because your eyes are so full of tears from all the blubbering. The times you care enough about each other to check in and see that the other party hasn’t drowned in a pool or their own tears (or vodka). When such dynamics come into play, how exactly do you implement No Contact?

Arbitrary Time Frames

Also, a word of arbitary time periods.  Why set ourselves the challenge of going silent on a person for a set number of days, weeks or months. Isn’t this just yet another childish approach to dealing with what should really be a grown-up problem? It just reminds me of when people say silly things like you should wait X, Y or Z minutes before texting a guy back because god forbid anyone would want to be enthusiastic about anything in this age of ‘playing it cool’.  Isn’t life too short to playing these silly waiting games.

If you’ve truly come to terms with the fact that a relationship is toxic and doing you no good (and honestly, this realisation often doesn’t just happen overnight) the cut all ties and walk away with the intention of NEVER talking to them again. But if you still see yourself having some sort of future with the person don’t allow some arbitrary time frame set by the wise people of the internet determine if you pursue happily ever after. Because who knows, while your busy torturing yourself playing this No Contact game the love of your life could potentially be getting themselves some something something elsewhere.

(Mis)communication Much ? 

My middle name should be gobby. I have a big mouth and I often say things without thinking which gets me into trouble. That said, everyone witters on about how communication is a key factor in successful relationships. This to me is exactly what the No Contact Rule stands in opposition to.  Going silent on someone just leaves room for speculation or over-thinking, which has the potential to way more damage. You may thinking that you are making them sweat when in fact they’ve interpreted your silence to mean that you couldn’t care less and so have made it their mission to get over you in any way that’s humanly possible.

I guess the danger of implementing this No Contact Rule is the same as that when you decide to take a ‘break’ from your relationship. Before you follow this path, you should question your motives and what you are hoping to achieve. You also need to be prepared for the fact that these things often have a habit of backfiring – you may think that by not communicating with someone you’ll make them miss you, when in actual fact it might make them realise that life is just sooooo much better without you incessant bitching and moaning.

Of course, I’m not one to advise anyone on this whole No Contact thing. After all, I still contact when I need insights, fitness advice or just the odd bit of banter. That said, while it makes so much sense theoretically, I don’t see it as the magic pill that’ll solve all your relationship woes. Honestly, it is somewhat immature and risky. As is the case with everything, the No Contact Rule has its downsides and I think it’s important to consider the potential damage that going silent on someone could have especially if you intend of patching things up somewhere down the line.  As I said, I’m gobby, I like talking. So I’ve always felt communication is better than silence. So talk it out, say what needs to be said, talk till the cows come home (unless like me you find yourself to talking to a brick wall at times). And if you get to the stage when you are done chit-chatting and you still haven’t sorted stuff out, then be ready to know you did your best without leaving room for endless amounts of miscommunication.

OK Rinsers, tell me are you a fan of the No Conact Rule? Has it ever worked for you? How long would you go without talking to an ex? And how long would you wait to hear from someone before accepting your fate and moving on ? Or do you, like me, think this is a childish approach to life and opt for talking it out as a better way of dealing with your relationship problems? Go wild in the comments below.