Cursed by a Virgin

 

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I’m sure you’ve been wondering why I’ve been so quiet on the blog lately? Well, I’m afraid to tell you I’ve been cursed! And no, reading Harry Potter hasn’t gone to my head.

Let me back track a little. Some of may recall a particularly horrific incident of 2019, whereby a rather well-intended set up (and my determination to date men who were supposedly more suitable rather than sticking to my type) when in turned out said date had minimal life (and we suspect, bedroom) experience. So, yes the low point of the decade was when I found myself fighting to escape the clutches of someone in still in possession of their precious V-card.  Anyway, since this dreaded encounter I’ve experienced NOTHING positive or even vaguely blog-worthy despite my best efforts.

Am I being a drama queen? Possibly. But you know me, despite everything the Tinderverse has thrown at me over the past (almost) half a decade (e.g. dud dates, sociopaths, mummy’s boys, functioning etc) I’ve always managed to drag myself back onto that horse for fear of dying alone as a born-again virgin, if nothing else. But this time, despite my positive mental attitude I seem to be getting slapped in the face at every turn. Let me elaborate to show you why the Curse of the Virgin is REAL.

Your Casual Encounter Disappears (But Not Quite)

We all know finding ‘Happily Ever After’ isn’t easy. Everyday that goes by another eligible bachelor gets taken off the market not to mention the fact that we all become fussier and more certain about our deal breakers as we get older and more set in our ways.

But more recently, I’ve come to realise that casual flings aren’t all bad, especially if everyone puts their cards on the table from the get-go. I’m not saying I’d make a habit of such things things but such light and fluffy encounters serve a purpose and are certainly convenient when you aren’t really in a position to be settled in other parts of your life.

So imagine, having the perfect fling vanish from your life, literally the very moment you start toying with the idea of allowing said mythical creature into your life.

Even A Change of Scenery Makes No Difference 

I know I’m not the only one who moans about the man deficit in Cape Town.  But of course, whinging your life away doesn’t ever get you anywhere so my solution was to explore alternative markets. And boy, how amazingly did that work out. NOT

First, there was the epic Tinder FAIL that was Sri Lanka. But I drew a line in the sand after that disappointment and thought I’d give London Town another chance. After my ‘positive’ experience during my stint in exile. There is no way anyone could play a ‘small world’ card in such a place and I truly believe its an eclectic enough place where there is something for everyone (even if you are like me tell 51% of the country’s population to rule themselves out because they voted from Brexit!).

Sadly, there was no repeat of my winter fling experience. Sure, the handful of dates I did manage to land were ‘enjoyable and’ slightly more higher grade than the usual (also good gin helps). One date did however manage to provide with a detailed career history (you know what they say about dates being like job interviews and all). Another dated ended the moment he said ‘he wasn’t really into books’ (ugh, and here I am obsessed with libraries!). So yeah, no joy their either.

CURSED.

Even Technology Lets You Down

Naturally, constant swiping plays a huge role if one wants to get ahead in the world of modern dating. There are no two ways about it. So what happens when your phone seddunly starts malfunctioning, as if it possessed by a ghost in attempt to stop you from progressing? Exactly!

CURSED.

You Are Constantly Bombarded With Visions of Your Potential Future ‘Spinsterly’ Self 

And finally, if all of the above weren’t cruel enough, the universe torments you (and also reminds you to keep going in the mission for happily ever after) by exposing you to countless examples of where one can end up if you just let the ‘V-man’ win and throw in the towel altogether. So the choice we are presented with here is to either fight the good fight to rid oneself of this wretched curse or give up on life, die a lonely old spinster and drink in excess to mask the reality of a lifetime of missed bedroom opportunities. Dear god.

Rinsers, have you ever been cursed by a mythical creature ? How did you rid yourself of this witchery? Can you ever recover from such a traumatic experience? Or is all this nothing more than a prolong sex-drought\? Is it normal to go long periods of time with no action whatsoever? And how long is too long? Enlighten me in the comments below. 

2 comments

  1. I get people who don’t read, truly. I barely read but I’d never tell somebody I wasn’t “into books”. That’s like admitting you’re a moron. I mean fair play, everybody has their own interests and there’s only so much time in the day so if someone doesn’t read, I don’t hold it against them (I probably read three books a year, myself)… but to declare you don’t read is drawing a line in the sand and stating you simply can’t see the point in educating yourself.
    I feel as though I’ve officially crossed into born-again virgin territory by now. Or perhaps I’ve been here for a couple of years; I’m not sure where the clock starts. I’m getting quite settled in, though. With every year that passes over 35, the number of single people who are simultaneously attractive halves!
    Have you tried burning some sage in a bowl and throwing a photo of your curse-bringer in? Maybe that’ll lift it. 😉

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  2. Haha! I love this comment.

    I don’t think I would necessarily judge someone as thick for not reading books because there are other sources of information – like newspapers, podcasts, etc than can actually make you smarter too. However, as well as educating a person, I think books (fiction, at least) are the purest form of escapism, more so than movies, series, even audio books because these allow you to conjure up images using your own imagination while movies, for instance are another persons interpretation of a story.

    I think with many such things, its about what matters to you. I’ve dated people who didn’t read. But they didn’t declare it outright so it wasn’t really an issue. Having it put out there was just off-putting to me, really. It was like dismissing all forms of literature outright. I would get someone saying they prefer/hate a certain genre…it could be a convo starter. I feel the same way about sports/exercise….its an important part of my life and if a guy told me he isn’t into DOING sport/exercise or any sort, I’d likely lose interest.

    With every year that passes over 35, the number of single people who are simultaneously attractive halves! – This is damn scary. I need to stop being so fussy.

    And yes I’ll try the sage.

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