Yesterday #englishrosiee reviewed the movie Obsessed, a movie with a seemingly overdramatic Fatal Attraction copycat kind of story. This review reminded me of the times when I used to live in my head and have my own crazy crushes.
You can’t really blame me! I was in a former girls-only school and then I attended a mostly female faculty. Even though I did karate, available men who weren’t trolls were rare. This meant that every man who looked somewhat decent and had something to say seemed like the One to me.
Perhaps you can relate to such lack of male prospects or you have some other issues. Whether you’re simply imagining your life together with someone you don’t really know or you’re in some kind of a relationship that’s not satisfactory to you (you’re the other woman, a backpocket girl, someone’s booty call operator) there are ways to get over someone. None of my tips will help, though, if you’re not willing to face reality. Do you really want to stop obsessing over someone? Then read on.
1. Realise that it’s not going to happen
If it hasn’t happened for a while, it’s probably not going to happen. Yes, there’s a slim chance it still will but you shouldn’t be living your life waiting for some scraps of love. Whoever you fancy clearly can’t appreciate the person you are or thinks you’re not a match.
It’s your job now to realise thats it’s not going to happen. You can be sad, angry or whatever you feel is an appropriate emotional response to this situation. The first step to recovery is a reality check. If it breaks you to think that it’s never going to happen, do what I did with quitting cigarettes. Try not to think about the word never. Focus first on today and then on the next month. Seeing that you’re still single today, you may start a Tinder profile and chat to a few guys.
2. Stop fantasising
One of the biggest problems with crushes is that often you don’t really know the person, you’re obsessing over. You know how they look like, maybe you’ve spent some time with them, but you don’t really know who they are. This is just perfect for your imagination to fill in the gaps.
Can you honestly say that you know your crush? You may feel you do but if you truly compare what you know about them from what you saw and what you simply imagined thanks to wishful thinking, it’ll soon turn out that you’re obsessed with your idea of that person rather than with the real individual.
How to stop fantasising? Try mindfulness meditation, sport and keeping busy. Every time you catch yourself fantasising say: it’s just a fantasy. Focus on something else. It’s difficult in the beginning, but it gets easier with practice.
3. Explore your options
If in your head your crush is the One, it’s difficult to explore other options. Force yourself to do so. Explore online dating and say “yes” to an organic date. You don’t need to marry the person you’re going out with, it’s just good for you to realise that there are other men out there who are interested in you.
With time one of these men will feel interesting enough to go on a second date with. Eventually, you’ll forget about whoever you were obsessing about. You don’t need to believe in it, to see the results. You need water under the bridge and time. In fact, LOTS of both.
4. Don’t indulge in your obsession
This means you’re not allowed to indulge in any way: no stalking, no picture likes, no engineering being around your crush. If you can’t unfriend this person on social media, unfollow them. You don’t need a constant reminder of their existence in your feed. Avoid hanging out where you can see them, if you can. Don’t initiate contact, if contacted ignore, if you can. If you can’t ignore them, be non-committal.
Remember that every time you indulge in your obsession it’s more difficult to get back on the horse of healing. Hitting the rock bottom isn’t necessarily to get over someone (what does it even mean, if it’s just a crush, anyway?). It’s enough for you to see you’re wasting your time and decide you deserve better.
5. Get help, if you need to
For some people, help means talking to your girlfriends. Tell them you have a crush you can’t get over. Chances are they’ll set you up with someone or just spend time with you to keep you busy. They may also share their own stories, which will put your feelings in perspective.
For other people, help may mean serious help. I know people who’ve obsessed about someone they’ve slept with once for YEARS, hoping they’ll still get in touch and waiting for them. I also know people who kept being someone’s booty call for months, hoping the relationship would eventually evolve from it. A once off story like this doesn’t say much about you but if it’s your pattern, it may mean you suffer from a a sex and love addiction.
Life is short. If you’re a teenager you may feel like every week is a year long but after that it’s downhill. Time flies and you’ll soon die. Take your chances at being happy and don’t waste time on people not worth it.
It’s true that the only failed relationship are the ones you never have, but there’s a massive difference between giving a relationship a chance and obsessing over a person you’re not in a relationship with. Your sacrifice will not pay off. Do you really want to waste months or years waiting for something that’s not going to happen?
Hello, Rinsers! Any stories of love obsessions from your side? Have you ever been living in your head, hoping for a relationship that clearly wasn’t going to happen?