It’s Not Me, It’s You – When Your Own Issues Ruin Your Dating Life

issues ruining your dating lifeWe often say on RinseBeforeUse that you should focus on being unapologetic about you deal breakers and being a Katie girl or a Katie boy by embracing your quirks. That’s definitely true but sometimes your issues may be more complicated than you simply looking for someone to accept and love you as you are. In other words, sometimes it’s not the lack of the right person in your life but…you. Here’s a number of issues that you should try to fix before you get involved with someone for real:

You’re Ugly and You Stink

Jokes! I know a number of people who’ve managed to land their happily ever after with these issues. Remember that beauty (even the beauty of one’s smell) is in the eye (or nose) of the beholder.

You’re an Addict

When you’re a recovering addict a lot of people will tell you not to date anyone in the first year. I’m sure that a lot of people have broken this rule and ended up fine but the general idea behind it, is for you to fix yourself before you invite someone else into your life.
As an addict you’re likely a high-intensity seeker and intensity isn’t always a good thing. You’re trying to fill the void with your addiction and use a relationship as an additional distraction. You need someone in your life and needing is never a good thing for romance.
Whether you use crystal meth, work until you can’t keep your eyes open or drink insane amounts of booze, you’re not in the right frame of mind to start a healthy relationship. Get help first and then think about your love life. The rule of thumb is: if you suspect you have a problem, you probably do.

You’re Not Over Your Ex

There’s this kind of man, who’ll try to beg his way into your pants when you’re crying on his shoulder about your ex. There’s this type of woman who’ll want to console you after your ex-girlfriend left you and you’re still pining for her. I’ve met such men, I’ve been this woman – you don’t want to date them.
There’s one type of relation you can have just after a breakup, when you’re in your rebound phase. That’s when you just desperately need something to make you feel better – watch Being Mary Jane, sleep with someone or eat ice-cream. Have all the fun you want but you should not be try to have a relationship out of it. You’re too vulnerable and all over the place at this stage to try to have a sensible relationship, pay attention to red flags or to do anything that really matters in long term.
Some people take a long time to get over their ex, particularly if a relationship was really serious. In a situation when it’s taking you a long time for you to get over someone, you still should do exactly that before you start all over again. 

You’re Super Insecure and/or Shy

How we see ourselves really matters in dating! Some people have had a perfectly supportive and loving family, others have had a problem free life in their formative years and some (very lucky) people have had both. Yet others have had none of these things.
The point is that most of us have some issues with our self-esteem and/or shyness.
It’s only really a problem when it destroys our dating efforts. If you’re so shy you can never tell a person you like how to feel, even when encouraged, it’s an issue. You may want to start going on many, many dates and/or say “hi” to strangers just to get over your shyness. The only way to get better is by forcing yourself to things that scare you. For starters, do something out of your comfort zone every day.
Excessive insecurity is an even bigger issue. People who have very low self-esteem very often doubt the sincere intentions of those who fancy them. Does that sound familiar to you? Unfortunately, it can lead to a number of issues in a relationship such as jealousy, control tendencies and even stalking. You can try some self-help books to increase your sense of self-worth but if it doesn’t help, you should consider therapy.
Remember that it’s not your partner’s job to make up for your shortcomings. Even the most patient person won’t repeat ten times they like you before you say anything back – just like anyone else, they don’t like rejection. By the same token, even the most loving partner will not keep proving to you forever that they’re not cheating on you.

You’re Depressed

For some people depression is something that happens only once or twice in their life but for others it’s a seizable portion of reality.
When you’re deeply depressed everything is making you feel more sad, there’s nothing more than sadness and you’re convinced that nothing will ever feel good again. There’s this scene in “Melancholia”, when a severely depressed woman is given her favourite meal. It’s by far the best depiction of depression I’ve ever seen:

Needles to say, if this clip shows how you feel at the moment, this isn’t the best place to be to start a happy relationship. This, however, is also when you’re likely cling to whoever appears in your life and shows the mildest interest in you. If you end up falling in love, it’ll keep you high for a while but almost like with a drug, the going down will be extremely severe.
If you’re depressed, address your depression. Don’t look for a person to “make you happy”. It never works.

You’re Angry With the World

Your ex left you because he/she is an asshole/cow. Your career is nowhere because people are prejudiced against you because you’re [fill the blank]. Your friends are shit and they should not be better off than you because you’re the one who’s SO much better than them. The country you live in is f*cked. In fact, all countries are f*cked. Now, you can’t really blame your date for not wanting to listen to you, can you?
World’s not a great place to be and everyone sometimes feels like nothing is quite right. It’s okay not to be okay from time to time! What’s not okay is if you spend most of your life bitching and moaning about pretty much everything. Is everything really wrong or are you the one who has a sh*t attitude?
The good news is that you can certainly find someone who’ll gladly join you in all the complaining. The bad news is that it’s much more difficult to escape the circle of negativity if your partner is an extremely negative person too.

Here we go – a number of issues that could be possibly ruining your dating life and spoiling your chances for a decent relationship. How to solve them? Stop trying to change yourself, change your actions instead! And then keep it up until you die.
Doesn’t sound easy? Oh well, life rarely is. Which is why you should NEVER reproduce. Seriously, it’s like the most cruel thing you can do, worse than eating meat, using copious amounts of plastic or even kicking puppies. Ok? Ok! BYE!!!

Have you tried to solve any of the above issues with dating? What was the result? Tell me, tell me! 

 

 

 

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. Wise words indeed, all of them. I think we’ve all done one or two of them over the years… it does get easier to spot the warning flags of any of them as you age I reckon… one of the benefits of getting older!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Definitely! I just wish someone would have told me some of the stuff I know now when I was younger. It wouldn’t have prevented me from all mistakes, but perhaps from some 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love that your blog consistently posts right when I wake up! I’ve been so many of these in my lifetime, most recently depressed but thankfully that period is dead and buried. When I was young, I was angry with the world and attracted girls with similar mindsets. When I think of all the pessimism and hatred that swam around us… ugh. What a waste of time!
    I’m a naturally insecure and shy person but have made great strides lately. I can’t claim full credit because I’m heavily medicated, but I’m an explosive ball of confidence right now. There’s always a thick layer of insecurity bubbling underneath, ready to erupt. It’s a visceral and spiritual feeling that I can’t make go away with positive self-talk. Probably a character flaw that’s been learned over so many years that it’s going to take some serious mining tools to unearth! But I’m determined. Every day I try to talk to someone at work or in my personal life that I’d have been too afraid to talk to before. I think that’s the purpose of medication: it’s not going to fix you but it gives you a kick in the ass to start taking the initiative yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We try to publish 10 AM South African time but we don’t always manage 😉

      Dating in depression can be pretty bad, from my experience. You just cling to a person and lose touch with what you want completely… Being angry is even worse – you just find people you can be angry together with. Not ideal.

      I think medication is there to help. I don’t take anything on regular basis as we’ve discussed but I have some prescriptive tranquilizers for “emergencies”. Between all the good things I do (sport, no booze, no cigarettes, meditation, good eating habits) I’m mostly okay but very rarely my anxiety spirals out of control because of an event and my choice is between hours or days of grounding or a magical pill that shuts it off in minutes and once the effects wear off my outlook on things it’s different.
      Sometimes meds stabilize a person to a point that they can form better habits and minimize past programming. I think what you’re doing is a great attitude to have sustainable results.
      It’s funny that you mention “not taking full credit” because of medication. I think a lot of people have this perception that they’re “cheating” a little bit because of meds. But just think about it – most people didn’t have your experiences and your mindset from the start and many things were naturally easier for them (for instance, confidence). Meds just equalize the natural lack of equality we have due to our biology and upbringing. Or at least that’s my take on things 😉

      Like

  3. i agree that when literally every date you go on leaves you wanting to gauge your eyes out its probably time to take a break and reflect on the other things that are going on in your life. Often there is other stuff that needs sorting and obviously you are looking for a relationship as a distraction. Sigh!

    But perhaps, sometimes that is why a fling is necessary? I used to be very much only into serious things. But now, I’ve learnt that flings and holiday romances also have a purpose. I mean even if it is just to make you feel better for a little while and keep you from regaining your virginity…surely, its an OK thing right? I guess the key is knowing that is all that this thing is without allowing it to spiral out of control.

    Another thing is that we are all pretty transient these days, work, life, family and adventure often pull us in different directions…if you aren’t settled in one place or your mind is considering other possibilities, the chances are you won’t be putting your heart into dating either. So nothing more than a fling will really be viable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think flings may be great, especially during a rebound phase. A person just needs to know it’s really a fling. I’ve mentioned a few times throughout the post it’s advice for those looking for serious relationships. Then again, sometimes it’s better not to have any to avoid the risks.

      Sometimes when you’re broken hearted it’s difficult not to cling. From my experience, when you’re depressed it’s the same, you don’t end up having flings but just these very sad attempts at relationships with people who are below your normal standards…

      I think it really depends on the person but everyone should be honest with themselves in terms of what they can and cannot handle. It’s easier to avoid dating for a bit than to go through a heartache after a heartache or when you feel your life sucks, anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

      • As long as it is just a break. Single life can also get quite comfy and its often less stressful (except when you need a man for a DIY task). I get quite stressed about getting complacent about dating sometimes. I know far too many people around me that have gone multiple years without any romantic action. I dunno, maybe I’m just a sex pest!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think sometimes you may need quite a bit of a break (if in recovery, for example). But yes, in principle I agree – make it a few months not a decade!

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.