We often say on RinseBeforeUse that you should focus on being unapologetic about you deal breakers and being a Katie girl or a Katie boy by embracing your quirks. That’s definitely true but sometimes your issues may be more complicated than you simply looking for someone to accept and love you as you are. In other words, sometimes it’s not the lack of the right person in your life but…you. Here’s a number of issues that you should try to fix before you get involved with someone for real:
You’re Ugly and You Stink
Jokes! I know a number of people who’ve managed to land their happily ever after with these issues. Remember that beauty (even the beauty of one’s smell) is in the eye (or nose) of the beholder.
You’re an Addict
When you’re a recovering addict a lot of people will tell you not to date anyone in the first year. I’m sure that a lot of people have broken this rule and ended up fine but the general idea behind it, is for you to fix yourself before you invite someone else into your life.
As an addict you’re likely a high-intensity seeker and intensity isn’t always a good thing. You’re trying to fill the void with your addiction and use a relationship as an additional distraction. You need someone in your life and needing is never a good thing for romance.
Whether you use crystal meth, work until you can’t keep your eyes open or drink insane amounts of booze, you’re not in the right frame of mind to start a healthy relationship. Get help first and then think about your love life. The rule of thumb is: if you suspect you have a problem, you probably do.
You’re Not Over Your Ex
There’s this kind of man, who’ll try to beg his way into your pants when you’re crying on his shoulder about your ex. There’s this type of woman who’ll want to console you after your ex-girlfriend left you and you’re still pining for her. I’ve met such men, I’ve been this woman – you don’t want to date them.
There’s one type of relation you can have just after a breakup, when you’re in your rebound phase. That’s when you just desperately need something to make you feel better – watch Being Mary Jane, sleep with someone or eat ice-cream. Have all the fun you want but you should not be try to have a relationship out of it. You’re too vulnerable and all over the place at this stage to try to have a sensible relationship, pay attention to red flags or to do anything that really matters in long term.
Some people take a long time to get over their ex, particularly if a relationship was really serious. In a situation when it’s taking you a long time for you to get over someone, you still should do exactly that before you start all over again.
You’re Super Insecure and/or Shy
How we see ourselves really matters in dating! Some people have had a perfectly supportive and loving family, others have had a problem free life in their formative years and some (very lucky) people have had both. Yet others have had none of these things.
The point is that most of us have some issues with our self-esteem and/or shyness.
It’s only really a problem when it destroys our dating efforts. If you’re so shy you can never tell a person you like how to feel, even when encouraged, it’s an issue. You may want to start going on many, many dates and/or say “hi” to strangers just to get over your shyness. The only way to get better is by forcing yourself to things that scare you. For starters, do something out of your comfort zone every day.
Excessive insecurity is an even bigger issue. People who have very low self-esteem very often doubt the sincere intentions of those who fancy them. Does that sound familiar to you? Unfortunately, it can lead to a number of issues in a relationship such as jealousy, control tendencies and even stalking. You can try some self-help books to increase your sense of self-worth but if it doesn’t help, you should consider therapy.
Remember that it’s not your partner’s job to make up for your shortcomings. Even the most patient person won’t repeat ten times they like you before you say anything back – just like anyone else, they don’t like rejection. By the same token, even the most loving partner will not keep proving to you forever that they’re not cheating on you.
For some people depression is something that happens only once or twice in their life but for others it’s a seizable portion of reality.
When you’re deeply depressed everything is making you feel more sad, there’s nothing more than sadness and you’re convinced that nothing will ever feel good again. There’s this scene in “Melancholia”, when a severely depressed woman is given her favourite meal. It’s by far the best depiction of depression I’ve ever seen:
Needles to say, if this clip shows how you feel at the moment, this isn’t the best place to be to start a happy relationship. This, however, is also when you’re likely cling to whoever appears in your life and shows the mildest interest in you. If you end up falling in love, it’ll keep you high for a while but almost like with a drug, the going down will be extremely severe.
If you’re depressed, address your depression. Don’t look for a person to “make you happy”. It never works.
You’re Angry With the World
Your ex left you because he/she is an asshole/cow. Your career is nowhere because people are prejudiced against you because you’re [fill the blank]. Your friends are shit and they should not be better off than you because you’re the one who’s SO much better than them. The country you live in is f*cked. In fact, all countries are f*cked. Now, you can’t really blame your date for not wanting to listen to you, can you?
World’s not a great place to be and everyone sometimes feels like nothing is quite right. It’s okay not to be okay from time to time! What’s not okay is if you spend most of your life bitching and moaning about pretty much everything. Is everything really wrong or are you the one who has a sh*t attitude?
The good news is that you can certainly find someone who’ll gladly join you in all the complaining. The bad news is that it’s much more difficult to escape the circle of negativity if your partner is an extremely negative person too.
Here we go – a number of issues that could be possibly ruining your dating life and spoiling your chances for a decent relationship. How to solve them? Stop trying to change yourself, change your actions instead! And then keep it up until you die.
Doesn’t sound easy? Oh well, life rarely is. Which is why you should NEVER reproduce. Seriously, it’s like the most cruel thing you can do, worse than eating meat, using copious amounts of plastic or even kicking puppies. Ok? Ok! BYE!!!
Have you tried to solve any of the above issues with dating? What was the result? Tell me, tell me!