I Kissed a Girl (and I Liked It)

i kissed a girlNo, I did not break the monogamy of my marriage nor I intend to. However, the series “Tales of the City” got me thinking about how my life could have gone had I been born in a more open-minded place.
Where I come from (Poland!) being gay is still unfortunately not socially acceptable. There are pride events that happen there but they’re strongly disapproved of by the conservative, Catholic majority.
It’s certainly easier to be gay (not to say easy) in big cities such as Warsaw. I know only two homosexual couples and, even though their lives can’t exactly be described as bed of roses because of the legislation that doesn’t recognise their relationships, they manage to live there mostly undisturbed. Which is obviously sad as a criterium.

Anyway, such a conservative environment is certainly not encouraging towards experimentation and finding out your preferences are. I somehow feel that a bisexual person may be more willing to just follow the majority rather than try to find out who they’re really into or even allow themselves to enter a homosexual relationship should such an opportunity arise.
Love doesn’t listen to bigotry and in my teens I fell in love with one of my best female friends. We had an intense female friendship for a while until I realised I had feelings for her which were more than friendly. I remember vividly worrying about what to do about that:

1) I was pretty sure she wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings and she was straight
2) Even if she reciprocated…well, we lived in Poland I honestly didn’t know any lesbians or openly bisexual people at that time. Everyone was straight so I didn’t even know that there was another option
3) I was considering suicide as the best solution, if the feelings don’t go away

But then a certain young man crossed my path and my feelings for my friend started to fade. I felt relieved but unsure what to make of this feeling. I remember reading somewhere that a completely heterosexual person can fall in love with a person of the same gender because of that person’s qualities and I accepted it as my solution.

I continued on the heterosexual path until university, when my girlfriends discovered that making out with women was fun. Some people think that it’s always done to show off or to get the attention of men but I think that more women actually truly enjoy it than they would like to admit it.
I guess it allows some space for trying to find your preferences but… to a point. When one of my friends admitted that they really enjoy it and that it’s better than doing it with men and she was publicly shamed for that. I liked it not more than with random men but not less either.
At the same time I was not attracted to women I saw on the street but sometimes I’d feel attracted to a man and in general the ratio of my attraction would be around 50 men to 1 women. What does that make me? I still don’t know. That I never had sex with a woman means nothing; it was outside of what was allowed in the context I described.

Then there was a girl I met in South Africa that I made out with “for fun”, who as it turned out had a crush on me. I was actually interested but wasn’t willing to consider a relationship with woman.
Was it social conditioning from back when I was younger? Or the the fact that South Africa may be open-minded in many ways but in the mostly Afrikaans environment I was hanging out with it wasn’t? I was curious to try things out between us to a similar extent I’d be curious with a man I fancied, but I didn’t. After that I never really met a girl I liked quite a bit more so I dated guys until I met my husband with whom I’m very happy. Still, the question remains, who would I have been with, had I been born in let’s say, San Francisco. Also, am I bisexual, if my general preference are men?

The point of my story is that I think in many places society makes it difficult for people to try to discover what they truly enjoy in life and yet, fulfilment in love and sex is a crucial ingredient of happiness.
If you’re conditioned all you life into thinking that there’s only one choice it’s not easy to see other options. For girls, the explorations are somewhat okay within limits.
For instance, did you know that two Spice Girls members had sex? Well, now you do. And yet, even they kept it a secret up until now and even now they laugh it off.
This is because such “acceptance”, doesn’t make it any easier for women who are actually lesbian or bisexual or just interested in entering a relationship with another woman.

I don’t feel terribly hurt by these events in my life because they led me to a place where I am right now. I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences and honestly I don’t think sleeping with more women or men wouldn’t change that much BUT it makes me think that there’s a sexual spectrum that escapes labels and some people could feel pretty unfulfilled.
Especially for boys, it’s considered by many completely unacceptable to experiment, however innocently, with other boys. What’s this double-standard about? Just ask people, they’ll tell you. A girl who kisses a girl may not be a lesbian but a guy who kisses a guy is definitely is gay and similar rubbish. Of course, such ideas come from homophobia in the first place – because what’s wrong if they realise they are, in fact, gay?
I really wonder whether these boxes really benefit anyone. Are people who create them just scared who they would be if they allowed themselves to come out of them? What do they feel these boxes protect them from?

Okay, Rinsers, I know I’ve asked as many questions in this post as I’ve given answers but I’ve never pretended to be all-knowing. Let me know your thoughts on this issue! Have you ever sexually experimented with people of your own gender? Do you wish you’ve experimented more? And if you claim to be 100% heterosexual or homosexual, how do you know that for sure? 

 

 

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5 comments

  1. Interesting post.

    Although I think everyone should be free to choose whatever path they want in life also feel that too many options can also pose problems.

    Hailing from London town, probably one of the most open-minded cosmopolitan cities (although I was recently told by someone that there weren’t many prominent gay people in my country – hello! we own Elton John!) I probably had a multitude of options open to me. Did I want to try anything wildly beyond the mainstream? Not really?

    Even when it comes to men. It’s taken me long enough to finally figure out my type. And I still have to sift through all the deadwood to find that. Now imagine, I’d added women to the mix. Bisexuals? Transgender? Throuple life? and Unicorns? It would take me an eternity and then some to find some semblance of #happilyeverafter. Obviously, its probably wise to have tried a handful of things before you settle down because it would be horrible to settle for one dick/vagina for the rest of your life not having tried the alternatives and spend forever wondering what your missing out on but then again, where exactly do you draw the line and say enough experience, i’m happy with this person/people. I suppose it is good to get things our of your system before settling down but what if all the options just leave you more confused than ever before – because there is now a lot more to choose from than straight, gay or bi these days.

    Like a lot of people out there, I think I’m afraid of dying alone. But imagine how sad it’d be if you missed out on something good because you were too busy exploring all the options

    As for the spectrum thing, people often say stuff like ‘we are all a little bit gay’. Well, I guess it depends how you define ‘gay’. I would definitely say I’m closer to the 100% straight side of the spectrum. Although, I can appreciate a good looking woman, it is very different to the way I’d appreciate after an attractive man. For example, if I see a woman with amazing legs, its a case of wow! amazing legs…I must gym more so I can have legs like hers but if its a man with nice legs, it’s more like oh wow – I want him and his hot legs in my bed 😉

    And yes, I defo agree that it is harder for guys to experiment than for chicks. Even for male equivalent of me, a closer to 100% straight guy, would likely be OK if a girl told him she’d kissed (or maybe even more) with a girl. I do think its different with our attitudes to guys though. For instance, one sociopath I dated (he had many many bigger issues) but one of the key things that finally put me off him (this should not have been the thing though) was that he admitted to kissing a guy. After he told me that, he became less of a BIG man than he’d been in my mind previously. If it makes the readers hate on me a little less, the other thing that put me off him was when he was stood outside shivering and I realised that his muscles weren’t all that big (by then I’d already upgraded in life and men). Yes I’m superficial!

    Liked by 1 person

    • So I don’t think this is really more choice that causes problems because I don’t think that you necessarily have more choice just because you’re bisexual. For instance, I said I was attracted in 1 women for every 50 men I was attracted to but I’d also probably be only properly attracted to some extent to every 100th men I met or so? (Counting how many you meet through friends, dating, work and other circumstances). I don’t think having a broader sexual range of interests necessarily mean that you’re attracted to more people in terms of numbers and therefore it doesn’t mean you have that much more choice and therefore problems with too many options.

      Okay but we’ll never know what would have happened had he been perfect otherwise and only THEN admitted to kissing a man, do we?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I do wonder …. because I’ve never formally said it was a deal breaker but in the instance it just became a turn off. And I have (mistakenly) gone against my deal breakers in the past.

        But to be fair, my actual type does seem to be a pretty traditional blokey bloke in many ways and I’d expect them to probably laugh in my face if I asked them the question but let’s see. I will try to do further investigations and report back. But as you said, guys seem less inclined to experiment but let’s see.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The Bahamas is much like Poland, though minds are changing, anything that does not speak heterosexual is taboo in our society. But of late there have been many jumping out of the proverbial closet. Both men and a woman. I don’t find it extremely difficult for men to experiment than is for woman, that may be the case in certain countries. Men are the first to express themselves openly because of the tight-knit gay community, gay women are more often shunned. Again speaking from a perspective across the pond.

    If they want to admit it, I think a lot of women have fantasies about being with a woman. I have gay friends both men and women. One woman, in particular, told me if ever I entered a relationship with another woman I would be treated like a queen because I have all the qualities of being a ‘good wife,’ because of my personality. But I guess that’s common in every relationship, gay or straight 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nice to see you visiting and commenting again, Etta 🙂 I think that it’s not easy for anyone to come out as gay in many countries, including Poland, but experimenting is allowed there for girls as long as it’s “fun”. If it’s a genuine interest in the same sex, there wouldn’t be so much acceptance.
      I didn’t know that there’s more closeness in a male gay community than in a female but now that you mention it I guess I’ve met lesbians in general socializing circumstances, while a lot of gay men I encountered were out with their other gay friends.

      Oh, totally. I also think that often when people are getting angry (both male and female) at the suggestion that they could have some interest in the same sex, there may be something hidden there. I think the more self-aware people are, the more willing they are to see what truly floats their boat.

      Being a “good wife” is a great quality for any relationship as you say. Some people just tend to attract others, regardless of their gender 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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