Guest Post : On Being a 20-Something Virgin – By Alice Riley of Alice In Wonderlust

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We are often tricked into believing that we live in a highly-sexed age with all the images the media bombard us with, however research shows that young people these days are having much less sex than previous generations. So it seems that despite common misconceptions we are living in a sex recession and there are probably more people than you’d think who are out their holding on to their V-card for longer. 

Today we have a special guest post by British dating blogger,Alice Riley who  talks about her experiences about people’s attitudes to her being open about being 20-something virgin. 

To learn more about Alice check out her blog – Alice in Wonderlust where she talks about dating, life and her passion for magic. You can also follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram

When having sex for the first time towards the end of your secondary school years is standard practice, being a virgin at 28 isn’t something you see everyday. So much so, that I’ve been able to talk about it on ITV’s This Morning, along with Talk Radio, The Metro, and The Telegraph. But when it comes to telling other people about your lack of sexual experiences in everyday life, how do they react?

When I was 18, a girl I disliked told me that “at least she can get laid”, and I should rectify the situation by sleeping with her gross friend in a bush. Thankfully however, most people are a bit more mature. If you’re a virgin past a certain age, the implication is that you’re a socially awkward misfit who isn’t attractive enough to have sex with. This is fine though, because that means you’re not a threat. You’re just the funny, awkward member of the group who’s the butt of the joke. You’re not about to steal their man or get more guys than them.

The problems start if you say things like “I want to wait for the right person”, or express basically any kind of pro-traditionalism, anti-casual sex sentiment because then you’ve expressed a view that people don’t like. You might as well say that you’re pro-Brexit, or that you voted for Trump. I’ve been told the classic “get it over with”, and ended up getting into arguments on nights out because I didn’t want to pull guys in clubs, or do stuff with guys who weren’t my boyfriend. Once I mentioned on Twitter that having sex for the first time means something. I even clarified that that’s just my own personal opinion and I respect that not everyone feels the same way, however I still got hounded by the mob for 24 hours straight.

I had my first boyfriend at university and told him I was a virgin when I was drunk. He didn’t seem bothered; at that age it seems like a big deal but it’s not that uncommon. After that, it never really got to that point with anyone; I’d either go on a couple of dates with someone and realise I didn’t fancy them, or I’d be willing to pursue things further but they faded out. However, going on TV added a new dimension into dating, as it sometimes comes up into conversation that way. Most people were supportive, and some guys could even relate as they didn’t have sex until their twenties. There is a cultural narrative that everyone is at it like rabbits, but our generation is actually having less sex than ever before. However, I’ve learned to steer clear of anyone who contacts me through my blog as those guys can turn out to be a bit odd.

It sounds like a cliché, but the first thing I’d say to anyone reading this in the same position is just to be yourself. I’ve definitely lost friends on my journey, but on the way I’ve also found better ones I have more in common with. When it comes to dating, it’s definitely counter-cultural to hold off having sex with someone for a while, but it’s also a great way to screen out people who aren’t right for you. Stay true to who you are, and the right people will love you just for being you.

So Rinsers…Have you encountered an 20,30 or 40-something virgin? What are your views when it comes to dating a virgin or someone who has minimal sexual experience? Or are you a older virgin? What have your experiences been? Show Alice some love and comment about your experiences in the comments section. 

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4 comments

  1. Thanks Alice for a insightful post!

    I guess when you do anything that is slightly different from the norm, you’ll get some sort of negative reaction but I’m glad that most people are understanding. I think these days its hard to find connections…especially the older you get when people already tend to hand established social circles.

    I think on the flipside, people might sometimes be wary of dating someone inexperienced because of the pressure/responsibility that you may feel falls on you. For instance, I mean if I was faced with a prospect of dating a guy that was inexperienced/possibly a virgin, I think I might a bit reluctant…from my own experience, knocks get easier to handle the more you’ve dealt with in the past. I’d be worried if I was dating someone and things didn’t go to plan in the bedroom department and i decided I really want anything more, it might ruin their first time experience.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I lost my virginity in my late teens, already as an adult. I thought sex meant a lot, which was the reason why I didn’t just “get it over with” until I met a guy I cared enough about. I felt disappointed afterwards that I made it grow into such a big thing and later on I’ve learnt that sex can mean something but sometimes it’s just the ideas in our head that we constructed. Most importantly, I’ve learnt that lust and love are two different things.

    If you don’t meet anyone you want to do it with, you shouldn’t do it just because people tell you something. It’s not clear to me though, what your expectations are. You say you didn’t sleep with your first boyfriend. Why not? Is your expectation that this person should be “The One”?

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m curious as to your reasons for remaining a virgin? Are you religious? It’s not a bad thing though. Not everyone is really all that driven by sex but the fact that you want to talk about it makes me think it is something you want. I’ve had friends that have given up on love all together but that doesn’t really sound like you. Would be keen to know more.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I believe in people living their lives as they wish. If one chooses to remain a virgin, then fine no explanation needed. Socially people might think that anyone, man or woman being a virgin at 28 means something is wrong with that person. And is there such as thing as being experienced in sex? What does sexual experience entail by the way? Knowing multiple positions in bed? Being able to take your partner to orgasm? LOL! LOL! Anyways wonderful article and I wish Alice all the best, will definitely be following.

    Like

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