Adoption as the First Choice

adoptionLong time no see, Dear Rinsers. Today, I’ve decided to write a post that I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to find on the web myself, namely about adoption as someone’s first choice.

Being a thirty year old woman in a committed relationship makes it difficult for you not to think about babies A LOT. This doesn’t have so much to do with your own cravings but rather with what people think that you should do. Whenever someone gets pregnant, organises a baby shower or you’re simply at an event full of children (all of which happen a lot to you when you turn 30), people ask you what about you (, guys)? Sometimes they’re just being mean because you’re single and obviously you won’t impregnate yourself or have a child with your friends with benefits and they want you to feel bad about yourself. Other times, they’re upset that you still have time to do things they don’t have time to do themselves. Because, seriously, why do you care and how is it any of your business when or if people will have children? And if there’s no other questions you can ask a woman in her 30’s perhaps it’s up to you to work on your worldliness and small talk skills?

Genes and Co

It’s difficult for me to reply also because I don’t want to have biological children and I don’t feel like discussing that with everyone. I always felt that way, hunted by the thought of children in orphanages who’ll never have a family. I also don’t know what’s so amazing about my genes to necessarily feel like they need to be passed to another generation and why are they allegedly better than what children in orphanages have on offer. I don’t understand why other people don’t see it that way either.
They naysayer will tell you that children in orphanages have alcoholism in their families. So do I and! In fact, my tendencies to unhealthy drinking are so strong that I quit it altogether over a year ago. They’ll tell you that the children can have mental illnesses but I myself have lived my life dealing with crippling depression, anxiety and OCD. Of course, I have some perks in my genes too and I could want to pass these on but I just don’t see why I should. Everyone has some perks in their gene, after all.
I don’t understand the idea of wanting to reproduce on the organic level that people don’t understand my attitude. The need for me to adopt was always as strong as the need of other people to have biological children is. I don’t know why it’s so but it just is.

It’s Not About the Childbirth

The painful part about wanting to adopt as your first choice when you’re a woman is that people judge you as a coward. Oh women, we can be so terrible to one another! Childbirth should never have become a pain resistance competition. And because it is there may only be one reason for you to want to avoid it – fear and weakness. You just don’t want to go through a childbirth, they say, how selfish and weak of you.
I don’t deny it either – I don’t want to go through a childbirth similarly like most people would not like to go through body altering, painful experience if they don’t see a good reason for it. And I don’t. There’s enough babies in the world and we have overpopulation.
If I felt like that was something I wanted and I felt was important for me I would do it, in the same way I went through the pain of moving to a country I knew no one in, serial dating and extensive work on myself to find the right partner or a year of waking up early on weekends and working late during the week to write a novel. I’m not avoiding pain all-together and it’s judgmental to assume that I do. Just like any reasonably being what I’m doing is striving to avoid pain that I don’t find justifiable.

Life is Suffering 

Another thing is that I’ve spent a lot of my life wishing I was never born. That’s something that most people with mental problems who often wish just not to be themselves can relate to. But even without these issues, however lucky you are in life, you’re going to suffer greatly.
Your child didn’t ask to be brought to this world and it’s going to suffer because of your doing. If you had never had it, it wouldn’t have suffered. You can, of course, decide to take this responsibility on because to you there’s more beauty than pain in life. You can also decide that this is not a place you’d like to bring another being to. The choice is as much yours to make when you decide to have biological children as it’s mine to make not to.

Giving Back to Community

I’m no saint I’d like to bring up a healthy baby but there’s something very strong in me that wants to make better a life of a child in seemingly unfavourable circumstances.
Such a baby just wants to be loved and cared for and yet, society approves of it only if it’s taken to a family as a second choice. “Agh, shame” I imagine people smirking at the sight of a white couple with their adoptive child of a different race, because their choice couldn’t have possibly be their first one. It must be, because they couldn’t conceive and here’s another reason for “ag shamers” to feel superior (and what a reason is that!).
I don’t see why such a child must be necessarily a second choice because kin or not kin we’re all human and I feel as much for such a child as I do for my sister or my mother or anyone else. Why to bring a new life to this world when you can enrich your life by bringing up someone who unless you give them a chance may never have a family? And why should they feel they’re your second choice if someone who gave birth to them already rejected them and marked them with trauma they’ll struggle with all their life?

I’m not saying adoption is for everyone. I’m not saying that it is or should be everyone’s first choice either. However, if someone tells you that it is, perhaps you should stop making stupid, judgmental comments because this isn’t something you personally want but ask them what’s the reason instead? Paraphrasing Mae West, if you’re shocked a lot, it just means you should be shocked more often. Also, why are you bulling people into having children? Aren’t there enough of them in the world, which is why there are children suffering in orphanages all around the world in the first place?

Live and let others live.

Give me you thoughts, Rinsers!

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14 comments

  1. Ha! In reference to your comment : Sometimes they’re just being mean because you’re single and obviously you won’t impregnate yourself or have a child with your friends with benefits and they want you to feel bad about yourself.
    – You won’t believe the shit some people have to say to singletons. I’ve been already been told : ‘Hey, your pretty, you have good genes, have you ever thought about freezing your eggs, you know just incase you never find a man willing to impregnante you’…. I have a lot to say on turkey baster babies, but I’ll leave it for another post!

    I said it before in one of my ‘hater of little people’ posts about childbearing, I think people who procreate are intrinsically selfish. There is no legitimate reason to bring new life into this world that is not about you as a parent. There are far more unselfish reasons not to have children. That said, there isn’t anything wrong with being selfish and going after what you want in life (even if it does cause another human a bit of suffering). E.g. You applied for job, you got it and your friend didn’t. You got what you wanted, they didn’t. And in the same way, you wanted a child for X, Y, Z reasons and you had one, the child may not have asked to be born but it is here now and just has to deal with life as it is.

    As a disclaimer, I believe the only parents that aren’t completely selfish are those that adopt. Sure, for some there may be some selfish motives but regardless they are doing good by essentially taking on a problem (yes, I’m going to hell for calling children problems) that someone else created.

    Honestly though, while I have props for people who adopt, I’m also fine with people who either make a well-thought decision to have children or deal with an ‘oops baby’ by (wo) manning up and handling life like an adult. What I have issue with is what I’ve probably seen more in the UK than elsewhere…people popping out kids with no thought about the repercussions because they know that someone else will take on their problem – whether that be the state, another family member or another type of generous benefactor. Sure, everyone can make a mistake once or twice and expect a little help from society but 6 times, with 6 different men. I cannot deal. (Oh, and I’m not by any means letting men off the hook here, sowing your wild oats and not expecting to pay your dues when all those baby mamas come knocking – ugh!!!).

    I don’t feel anyone has a right to question anyone else’s right to whichever form of childbearing they opt for, except when of course it affects you and those that are wholly incapable of taking care of their offspring and simply hoping to live of a benefits system are a drain on our collective resources. So yes, I do judge and hate on those types of parents most of all…but in all fairness its not totally their fault if they live in a society which condones and in some sense glorifies this type of behaviour!

    So yup, whether it’s a person’s first, second or final choice to adopt I’m high fiving them. I personally wouldn’t have it in me but kudos to those that do.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t treat this choice as selfless as I do want to have children and I don’t see them as less of my own than if I had biological children. Maybe because I never felt too close to my own kin and had to look for support in other places, I’m used to treating people not biologically related to me in the same way as if they were my family? Not to mention the perks of being a meditator when it comes to feeling connected.
      The choice just strikes me as the right one for me and I would like people to stop make me justify myself for something I feel is right, especially that this something has lots of logical reasons for than anyone can see. Unfortunately, most people would just like to never be surprised or challenged by different choices in order to be fully happy with their own.

      I agree with everything you said and irresponsible parenthood is one of the things that irks me the most. Some people shouldn’t be parents, at all. Other people should wait until they’re sorted to have children. What’s the point of unhappy people having unhappy children that were conceived to fulfill their parents dreams? Or what’s the point of conceiving if you can’t take care of your child? We should really change our thinking as society. If someone feels that something they truly want (and I mean WANT, not think they should have) and they have means to give necessities to their child, then of course they should have children but we should start thinking about it as a choice so more people stop using it as a default.

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  2. Long time no hear how have you been ? Honestly I know this might sound harsh but stop giving so much time energy and attention to haters about your life. Aren’t you worth more than stooping to that level? I think adopting is risky but in many cases a courageous decision, so many children are abandon or are orphans that need a good home, we go crazy to adopt a dog or a cat yet why can’t we be that same way when it comes to adopting a child? Something to think about.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hello! How have you been? As you’ve pointed out I haven’t been around for a while, which is maybe because I pay less attention to haters 😉 this particular issue is just hurtful for me. I feel misunderstood and angry and it helps me to write my thoughts down, hence the blog. I’m sure other people with similar thoughts feel in a similar way about the reactions of others to their choice so it for them to see they’re not on their own.
      As to haters we do live in a sexist world and I think men get judged much less for their choices. My husband never hears nagging questions about procreation, for instance, to just give you one of many examples.

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      • I’m been good, staying busy have alot of irons in the fire. Just because you don’t about nagging questions that your husband gets asked doesn’t mean he doesn’t get asked he may choose not to disclose them knowing how strongly you feel about ppl prying about having kids. Let’s face it we are noisy by nature just take it in stride.

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  3. As I get older, the most important trait that seems to matter in every situation with others (whether friend to friend, boss to employee, romantic curiosities taking in one another, customer to service provider etc., etc.,) is HEART. Compassion + Empathy. Gobs of it, or drops of it, but some of it none the same.

    And I think to be a parent, the children are likely to fare better with a mother or father who can access theirs. It is absolutely important for the child’s healthy development, as it is for the development of a grounded and rich romantic exchange or even a professional bond with balance, yet completely underestimated.

    From your post, I get a person with an abundance of it.

    Your children will be blessed under your eye and in your care.

    Wish there were more like you, en route to those applications.

    Thank-you for sharing yourself with us. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello! Thank you for your comment, it was very nice for me to read it.
      One thing I need before I have a child is less anger with the world because I’d rather teach them to appreciate its beauty. I agree with you, however, that compassion and empathy are very important and we need more of it in general to go around.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sir David Attenborough says the biggest problem we face on this planet is over-population: a great reason NOT to have children, and to adopt instead- not every woman has access to education and contraception like we Westerners do. I salute your thoughtful consideration of alternatives, good on you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Some people will say their countries are experiencing population decline bla bla …. but there is this wonderful thing called immigration which I honestly believe is the solution to everything! I’ve seen a Danish advert basically asking people to have more kids and the UK govt actively gives you the same amount of benefits for each additional child you have – 1 oops baby or 12. Don’t stress. The Brit taxpayer has your back! I don’t think we can police people but I do think western governments at least need to stop encouraging unnecessary levels of procreation!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hello! Long time no see! I think that lack of access to contraception is a crime against humanity and it makes me very sad that many women in the world cannot decide about these things. Overpopulation is of course something I have in mind because I’m striving to be quite eco-friendly now. However, this choice is quite organic for me because I remember telling people I’d adopt very early in my life – still as a teenager. It just feels right for me and after years of trying to rethink it and “make the right choice” because I was going to “change my mind” I have come to a conclusion that I cannot keep leaving my life trying to be easily understood and digestible for others but I prefer to be true to myself 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  5. wow amazing yes i am of the same opinion, it’s good to hear others feel the same. and also you bring up a point i never considered, do people assume my adopted daughter was my second choice and not my first choice. ha, that never really crossed my mind. i mean of course she’s adopted we are different colors lol.
    I also agree that everyone assumed i was infertile when I told them i was adopting, ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment. I will definitely check out your blog as I’m very curious to learn more about an experience of a like-minded individual who’s already on the journey.

      Like

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