The Little Mermaid Incident – What Would You Do Without A Voice?

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As you’ve probably realised by now, I’m kinda like the female version of Peter Pan – the girl that never grew up. I spend most of my days daydreaming of what my life would be like if I was a mermaid or a unicorn. Yeah, well like I said last time, we also need to be careful what we wish for. Because just recently, I almost had one of life ambitions come true (in the worse possible way). I’ve spent the last week trying to get over laryngitis. Not being allowed to/capable of communicating with the outside world forced me to contemplate the state of my life aka have a series of  (somewhat irrational) meltdowns. According to the internet, losing your voice isn’t that unheard of but for me it was quite a weird experience. I don’t consider myself a sissy (remember when I went to gym with a minor spider bite and was later hospitalised) but losing the ability to talk kinda scared me A LOT. Here a a few of the reasons why :

What If I get mugged? How will I scream for help?

I know that just the other week I was the one defending mankind and saying not all people are bad and blah,blah,blah but that said bad people still exist, and although our aim should be to rid the world of such scum, that’s easier said than done and we won’t be able to put evil beings to death (I meant, rehabilitate them). The next best thing to do, in a somewhat dangerous world, is to give your self the best advantages so you a) avoid finding yourself in such circumstances or b) have better abilities of fighting off/getting away from a crim. I mean as much as we shouldn’t feel forced to take self-defence classes, I don’t think having the ability to punch a bad hombre in the face is necessarily a bad thing (I mean, it could also be quite satisfying if you have the ability to do so without smashing your hand in the process). Anyhow, often the first line of defence when you feel uneasy around someone is usually to engage in some sort of dialogue to get them off your case (because even if you are the Queen of Rumble you can’t just go around smashing people when they invade your private space). We use our voices to assert ourselves and without that weapon we are kind of at a loss in situations. Thankfully, despite my irrational fears, I did not encounter any muggers while I was busy playing the little mermaid and in any case I was in quarantine so it was pretty safe for them. Panic Over.

What If I can never date again? or flirt again? banter with people? Do I have to resign myself to life of sad spinsterhood?

I always considered myself to be a shy, unassuming kinda girl (who am I kidding). It was not until this incident occurred that I realise how much I talk. Ugh. Of course, we live in a technological age – WhatsApp, Tinder, Facebook Messenger and Email all make it easy for us to communicate without actually having to put strain on our vocal cords. In fact, the invention of Uber, Uber Eats and even the jazzed up new McDs system allows you do go about some of your daily tasks without having to communicate with another dumbass human. Yay!

That said, when it comes to dating and some point you’ll need to hear the sound of the other persons voice. Sure, Tinder and the other dating apps allows us to put of this eventuality a little longer (and weed out the incompetent, illiterate fools that don’t deserve to be engaged in conversation) but whether or not you like people, if you want to have meaningful human relationships, you do need to communicate the old fashioned way. Flirting by text can be fun, sexting opens a lot of doors (wink, wink) but there is nothing that quite beats the thrill of the real life organic flirt where you are forced to think on your feet. Now, try and think of your most romantic, exciting interactions and imagine replaying those with the voice of Don Corleone or sounding like teenage boy going through puberty, it lowers your chances of success – right?

OMG! What if this is karma ?

And finally, I was stressing about if this was the universe’s revenge for all the mean things I had said and done to those Tinder boys. Sure, I can be a bit harsh at times and politically incorrect (always!) but don’t we all get like that sometimes. Of course, not everyone feels the need to blog about it but I’m sure mean thoughts do cross most of our minds at some point especially when faced with the horrific Tinderverse.

Still, maybe I should have been nicer? I mean no one can help being socially-inept, weird, pervy, uncoordinated, right ? Ugh. No. You can always work on your flaws. So much for being nicer. Not going to happen but a little reminder to try to be a better human once in a while isn’t such a bad thing. I suppose!

Anyway, I honestly don’t know what really possessed me to start writing this post. I think it was part of my general overreaction. But it does make you think how losing something as basic as your voice could potentially ruin your life. Maybe its a first world problem. But not really. I guess even irrational freak meltdowns have a purpose in terms of making you reevaluate things a little bit. But in the meantime I probably should get back to using my new recovering sex voice to get me back into dating!

OK Rinsers, Have you ever suffered a similar sort of meltdown at the thought of losing something basic that you’d usually take for granted? Please share your stories in the comments below so I don’t feel so much like A-grade loser (with a sexy voice, mind you!).

 

 

 

 

 

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Be Careful What You Wish For : Why The Universe is The Biggest Joker

 

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With almost every single significant romantic encounter (and in some dramatic cases, even just the one-off dates), I’ve realised I discover another relationship deal breaker. A factor, that maybe this time round I had tried to dismiss as arbitrary and unimportant. but eventually accepted was a bigger deal that I’d first anticipated. And so it goes, the more experiences we have the more we learn about how much we can handle, what we are willing to compromise on and our general limitations. I know I sound like a broken record by now, but I can reiterate enough how strongly I feel about people sticking to their guns about their deal breakers no matter how ridiculous, arbitrary and un-PC the rest of society may deem these to be. If you don’t want to date a guy that is into heavy metal because you believe its the devils work then its OK say to so. Even if you have your heart set on marrying someone who hails from the very same village your ancestors came from and refuse to look at anyone from another race, tribe or town, that is alright too (at least you aren’t wasting anyone’s time).

On the other hand however, discovering more and more things we just can’t stand for makes dating ever-more difficult. Having very specific requirements narrows the dating pool which is gets smaller on its own as we age, in any case. So today, I’m going to backtrack somewhat and tell you that as much as I like deal breakers (implementing them in my own life is easier said than done), my experiences have taught me why it is necessary not to be to rash when establishing new deal breakers, especially in the aftermath of a break up. Sure, when a relationship ends its sensible to reflect on the past and try to figure out when things didn’t work in order to prevent yourself from making the same mistake twice. However, trying to do this too soon when you are still a little bit too angry, bitter and twisted just leads to disaster. From my experience, it usually means looking for someone who is almost the polar opposite of your ex in an attempt to minimise the risk of heartache. Sadly, as we all know by now, the world isn’t black and white and things are never quite that easy. Anyway let me give your some of my personal insights to make things clearer.

Smoking Hotties vs. Ugly Trolls

After what was probably the most horrific break up of my life, my basic little mind decided the reason I had had my heart ripped to shreads was because I dated someone who was well and truly out of my league (well on the superficial level of conventional ideas of beauty, in any case!). According to one of my friends he was the kind of guy ‘ any chick with functioning eyes would pack up and move to the other side of the world for’ and then I on the other hand was the somewhat pretty but chubby girlfriend that’d probably looked like a safe bet. So as it happens, following the demise of said relationship, I decided to be incredibly egalitarian in my dating decisions and give anyone a chance who seemed somewhat interested, relatively well spoken (written?) and basically showed little sign of being a serial killer.

Next thing you know, I find myself falling for a somewhat unfortunate looking chap with ‘wonky teeth, lazy eyes and horrific skin’ (not my description). Sure, beyond all the superficial things, the convo was decent and there was some weird attraction (although with hindsight it was probably more about the fact that logic told me that’d he’d never break my heart because clearly I was the catch this time round). Despite calls from my friends to aim higher I still went ahead crushing on the troll and as it turns out, the universe didn’t play fair. I wouldn’t say I got my heart broken as such but I certainly got an epic slap in the face when this unfortunate looking chap TOLD ME he couldn’t offer me anything serious and the very next week was Facebook Official with a pretty, little, conservative thing.

After this little blip in my dating history, it discovered in fact I do have type – the ‘beautiful’ type. So why fight it?

T-Totalers vs Alcoholics

Long gone are the days I knock back four bottles of wine but I can’t deny I love me the odd glass of wine now and again and I am a sucker of a bit of pink gin, a thirst-quenching cider on a sunny day, anyone for a porn star martini? Booze is an important part of my life, there is no denying it but I understand that its not for everyone. And as we grow up, I think most of us become a bit more selective about our indulgences (if only I gave up the bottle, I could legit be a athlete or a supermodel…jokes, but let a girl dream!). So, there was a time in my life where I’d never disregard a guy because he couldn’t handle/choose to abstain from liquor. Hmm…that was until I had the pleasure of dating an raging T-Totaler.

As first it started out OK. We tip-toed around the issue. He insisted I have a glass of wine. As things progressed however, so did the lectures. Constant YouTube clips about horrific drink driving accidents and articles illuminating the negative effects of alcohol. Sigh. Eventually, the comments started : ‘Have another glass, ALCOHOLIC! Have a shot while your at it !’ Ugh. That was that, I decided to choose wine over the man. After all, wine is the friend that never talks back. And with that I vowed never to date a T-Totaler EVER AGAIN! Alcoholic beverages were far too important in my life to have to deal with that sort of negativity.

But again, after a few months, the universe decided to have another major LOL at my expense. By handing my an ever-so-lovely guy, charming and beautiful in every way. And guess what…he loved liquor as much as I did. Yay!! And to be fair he could handle it way better that I could ever dream of. Every time I’d be DYING of a hangover, he’d be making me feel bad by pumping iron. Seems to good to be true? Well, it was. Turns out, having a ability to consume copious amount of hard liquor with it having no impact on your body whatsover, also comes with downsides. Especially, when the going gets tough, as it inevitably does, and instead of turning to your champagne-fabulous girlfriend you turn to the bottle, because we all know the answer to your problems can be found at the bottom of a litre of Smirnoff (knocking a back a bottle everynight and then starting your day with a nice gin! Sigh!).

Unemployed Bums vs. Workoholics

At the risk of sounding like a gold digger, I’m going to say that dating someone is financially stable is important. No, that doesn’t have to mean that they are rolling in it but that they realise the importance of hard work and that that they don’t expect everything to be handed to them. Entitlement just makes me sick – whether its a guy/girl who expects their spouse to slog away for a minimum wage while they sit on the fat ass playing computer games, or a professional poet or Air BnB post who expects an unsuspecting neighbor to continuously ‘loan’ them R20 for toilet roll…it just gets boring. If you want to live a life of luxury then work for it.

Having encountered a fair share of guys that don’t/can’t (be bothered) to work because you know the whole world and his dog is against them, a racist primary school teacher ruined their career prospects for evermore and because having to work a Saturday in hospitality is slave labor (Sigh!). So when you finally meet someone who is passionate about their work, can afford to pay their way and doesn’t blame others for their mistakes – BREAKTHROUGH!

But as is often the case, there is a downside to every good thing. Because its one thing to have a job that you are into, gives you joy and fulfillment and real job (I’d love to sit on my ass writing this blog everyday but honestly it won’t pay for my champagne habit!). But at the end of the day, a job is just that. And while job satisfaction is important, there needs to be a balance. A job should essentially allow you to fund a decent existence, it shouldn’t necessarily be your sole purpose in life (I personally don’t think any one thing should be). So yeah, in attempt to find someone who is financially stable and gainfully employed (which I know can be a rare thing) don’t go running into the arms of someone who is married to their job. You’ll find it hard to compete with the ching ching.

Ugh, maybe its just me who lives a life of extremes. All I am saying is that it is good to be self-reflective and try and figure out what worked, or more importantly, didn’t work in past relationships. However, making rash decisions and trying to find someone who is the polar opposite of the ex isn’t going to be the solution to all your problems. Stay calm, keep your wits about you and understand that everyone and everything comes with its own unique set of challenges. Sigh. Good luck to y’all!

Alright Rinsers… What is your take on all this? Any advice to the poor folk out there trying to navigate the dating world? Share your horror stories in the comments section below…