Dirty Little Secrets in the Age of Social Media

 

secret-love-does-he-want-a-secret-relationship

Unless of course you can count yourself among that species almost as rare as the unicorn known as the 30-something virgin, then you’ll know that by the time we’ve reached a certain again we’ve all been burnt a few thousand times so it’s understandable that people these days aren’t always in a rush to go public with their romantic relationships. Human relationships are such fragile things so it’s natural for us worldly wise folk to be somewhat guarded about who we tell about our significant other, especially when you are lucky enough to have people who will scream I TOLD YOU SO when your little fairytale comes crashing to the ground.

However, the truth is that the ‘getting to know each other’ stage cannot go on forever, there does come a point in any story, where two people who spend significant amounts of time together should probably make their relationship known to the world. Add to that the fact that we all pretty much live out a parallel version of our lives on social media (censoring out the boring bits here and there) and its quite surprising that anyone manages to maintain anything close to a private life at the best of times.

But then why oh why, are there so many long-term-ish relationships happening behind closed doors?  It’s a contentious kinda grey-area I suppose and one that raises a lot of questions. Naturally, we all want to play it cool and one needs to be certain before they ask ‘What Are We?’ . On the other hand, how long can a relationship legitimately last if you only ever meet in the cosy, ever-so-romantic setting of your own homes? So, having been at both ends of this scenario here are some of my thoughts on the matter …

 

It’s All About (Secret) Sex

Well, let’s get something out of the way before we unpack this issue further. If your ‘beau’ only meets you late at night and in bed, the fact is it would be charitable to call you are ‘dirty little secret’ you are nothing more a Friend With Benefits. Sure, the pillow talk may be OK-ish so you convince yourself you are really getting to know each other. But let’s call a spade a spade here – the only thing you are getting to know intimately here is each others bodies. So don’t kid yourself.

 

Keeping The Options Open

We’ve all been there. Met that ‘nice’ person. They tick all the boxes. So you force yourself to break your usual patterns, be more open-minded and carry on ‘dating’ them in the hope that that elusive sparkle may suddenly appear. Hmm…But deep down you know that the fact you need to talk yourself into it is probably a bad sign. It may even be easy to keep them in the picture because they aren’t a complete troll and do provide some degree of entertainment.

But truth be told, although this maybe not be as sordid as a FWB situation, you cringing at the thought of bumping into a friend/acquaintance while out with said person is probably a sign that they are no more than a place holder for Prince Charming (or at least another mistake that makes your weak at the knees!).

 

They are leading a double life

Life is complicated enough. I can barely manage my own. Sure, double parking can be a giggle when your dating up a storm but having more than one serious relationship it really does take multi-tasking to another level. Unless I could legit clone myself I don’t see how one could wholeheartedly dedicate themselves to another person while trying to be in two places at once. Well, they never do really!

If you are dating someone who never wants to go on a proper date, seems scared whenever you are out in public together, introduces you as their ‘buddy’, never lets you set foot inside their house and only ever sees you at unsociable hours. Red flags galore. Face facts, you are nothing more than a side salad.

Ugh. Cannot deal. Clearly, anyone looking for a bit on the side is likely to have something more established (see how I didn’t say serious) waiting for them at home. That said, side chicks/guys fill are often used to fill a void and give them something they aren’t getting from their spouse, baby momma/daddy or ‘cougarlicious‘ sugar mummy/daddy.

As tempting as it may be don’t stoop to such a level, you deserve to be the main course so let the trash take itself out.

 

The tricky bit… they are ‘just not into social media’.

So, in all of the situations above things are pretty clear cut. Well, at least when you’ve stopped kidding yourself. But this is the age of social media where everyone and their dog are living their best lives online. Yeah but no but. As with all things popular, there are people that feel the need to boycott it – perhaps its because they are ‘old school’, they value their privacy or they simply feel the need to rebel against what the rest of society is doing.

But to be honest with you, I like a good old Facebook snoop myself.  What people choose to post (or not post) on their social media profiles says a lot about them and gives you some insights into their personality. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been known to do a little background check on a Tinder date before venturing out. And can you blame with all the potential serial killers in our midst?!

Anyway, the truth is most of us do have some sort of social media presence. And I’m not saying one should expect to be F.B.O with a someone from the get-go. But if someone is reluctant to even be your friend (remember there are all these limited profile settings available these days) then they’ve probably got something they’d like to hide. Or am I being cynical? You tell me.

Now, back to the point of today’s rant. It’s understandable that most of us don’t want to be out and proud about new relationships from the very beginning. You have to admit that those epic declarations of LOVE on social media are kinda cute despite the fact that they may make you pewk in your mouth a little bit.  Maybe we’ve been there in our younger days and have suffered third degree burns as a result so we know that its best to steer clear.  That said, I think we should all the aware that in any ‘good’ relationship where you need to stop ‘getting to know each other’ and admit that there is something real between y’all. And in most cases, this will involve taking your new relationship public at varying levels. Whether that means exposing your new conquest to your weird friends, archaic family or wider social network of weirdos. But nothing worthwhile should remain behind closed doors for too long.  On the flipside, if you find yourself with someone who is reluctant to show you off to the world after a couple of months of steady dating (or in some cases a decade of cohabitation) then I think it’s an indication of some sort of commitment issue and more importantly a clear sign for you to walk away.

Alrighty Rinsers, Go wild in the comments. How public do you think a serious relationship should be? Is it legit to keep things behind closed doors for the sake of the relationship itself? And finally, has social media simply served to complicate matters and make life more difficult for us over-thinkers as well as those that prefer to keep their private matters private?

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4 comments

  1. Ragazza Triste · 17 Days Ago

    This is so true. Sad but true.

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    • EnglishRosiee · 13 Days Ago

      Yeah, it is sad when you feel you have to hide someone that you (for whatever reason) are spending a lot of time with. I think it’s OK if you are both on the same page i.e. you both know this is nothing more than a Friends With Benefits encounter that’ll eventually run its course but its not great when party wants something real and the other isn’t quite sure what they want in life.

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  2. zlotybaby · 17 Days Ago

    I totally after with this post. If people don’t want you on your FB they’re either hiding something or they know it won’t last long or they’re keeping their options open. Having said that, there are exceptions. My husband didn’t invite me on FB for two months of ya dating, even though we were spending lots of time together, I met his friends and family, was being introduced as girlfriend and we said the “l” word already. I guess I wasn’t worried because of the above reasons and also because I caught him stalking me on FB anyway 😄 People kept telling me to worry about it and that he was DEFINITELY hiding something, the most active fear mongers being forever alone people and a 30 year old virgin. He just wasn’t big on FB and also thought there was no point in rushing it cause let’s be honest we weren’t going to be friends. As we started from a date it was dating or nothing kind of thing. So that’s my two cents here! Don’t fool yourself but also listen to your gut feelings when evaluating these things.

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  3. EnglishRosiee · 13 Days Ago

    Yeah, its a little bit complicated these days because it is harder to keep yourself and your relationships behind closed doors. I was once in the early stages of seeing someone and we hadn’t even broached the topic of Facebook friends and suddenly people were messaging me telling me how they’d seen us on FB looking couply and how cute my new beau was. I wasn’t trying to keep anything from them, it was a case of it just being early days.

    However, there are so many levels of ‘dirty little secrets’ these days. The social media thing could be said to be somewhat superficial but I think when you are keeping things a secret in real life there is more of an issue. E.g. I recently had a conversation with someone who told me they’d dated their ex for almost a decade but she’d never met his family. He seemed quite surprised that I would be willing to introduce someone to my olds after a few months. As it turns out, she cheated on him and denied they were ever an item. But who could blame her?

    I think as long as you guys are on the same page, then its all good. If two people want to keep things light and fluffy for a while and stay secret that’s fine. It just gets messy if one person is more serious and the other is a little unsure.

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