Defining Success in Relationships – Is a Break Up/Divorce Necessarily a Sign of Failure?

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“Marriage is about two things: sexual satisfaction and building generations. Nothing more. Only useless people are thinking about love. The result of a love marriage is never satisfactory. Divorce, arguments, affairs. These things don’t happen in arranged marriage. Arranged marriage is always successful. Love is for useless people. But if you’re going to feel love, at the very least, make sure it’s someone of a similar income level.” (Jaipur, India)

– Source : Humans of New York

So a few days ago the picture/quote above from Humans of New York (why the hell it features people from Jaipur now, I’ll never know) popped on my Facebook feed. I shared it for comedy value and it seems it got people thinking about our approach to marriage and relationships. Although I have become a little more realistic (read:cynical) as I’ve got older/had more horrific dating experiences, I think I am still, and probably always will a bit of a hopeless romantic aka USELESS PERSON (you can blame Disney!). So I basically took what these elders said as a bit of a giggle but is their any truth to their wisdom? Does arranged marriage have any benefits? Is the pursuit of love necessarily such a good thing? And most importantly how do we define success in terms of a relationship/marriage? Lets break it down in today’s post.

The importance of sexual satisfaction

You’ve got to give it to the oldies. I like that they’ve got their priorities in order. Regardless of whether you marry the person you love or its a set up sex is hugely (wink wink) important. The fact that people stay in loveless relationships because the sex is mind-blowing and that prostitution and porn are still such big business – speaks for itself. The oldies are right sexual satisfaction in a marriage/relationship is important (unless you are one of those strange religious nuts that believes you only have sex for procreation and not for pleasure! – Gawwwwd they don’t know what they are missing out on!).

Look, I don’t know the intricacies of arranged marriage systems so feel free to correct me here. But I was under the impression that the couple meet, decide that the the other person isn’t a complete troll and is a viable husband/wife and BOOM the wedding preparations begin. Now where does the sex factor in that? After the I Dos? If that’s the case then arranged marriage is a risky business if you ask me. Imagine marrying a guy and only learning on wedding night that he is in desperate need of the little blue pill. Ugh. Also, while the media may portray sexual satisfaction as something that happens just like that, I hate to break it to all the virgins in the room but it doesn’t quite work like that…as with a lot of things in life you have to be willing to work at it. Again, if you marry someone without having a clue about their sexual prowess how are you to know whether they are willing to make the effort to keep you happy in bed or if it’ll just be a case of wham ban thank you mam… and sleep!

Building generations 

Ugh the most talked about issue amongst the Baby Mafia. Making screaming little bundles of joy (read: stress!).  Is creating a mini-me really that important when it comes to who you marry/date? Yes and no. If your life-long dream has been to be a mother then sure you need to find someone who wants to be your baby daddy (and perhaps arranged marriage can assist you in making the correct decision – do fertility tests come as standard in these matters? #just saying!).

That said, it may come as a shock to some people but nowadays there are actually folk out there that don’t intend on making babies. I mean can you blame them? Imagine bringing a child into a world dominated by war, stupidity and water scarcity issues! Then there are also those that for whatever reason (pragmatic or philanthropic) don’t feel the need to have a biological child but instead plan to adopt one of the millions of babies that are in need of a good home.

Finally, this may also come as a surprise too but you don’t need to be in a relationship/marriage to get knocked up. For some it’s a case of spreading their legs one drunken night after the club and 9 months down the line – there is bubba with no baby daddy in sight. Or alternative paths such as – IVF, sperm donors, surrogates….thanks to advances in medical science we no longer really need a piece of paper/another person to make babies.

Oh, so a question for the arranged marriage supporters? What happens when you marry someone you don’t know all that well and it turns out they are firing blanks? Can you get your money back/file for divorce?

Arranged marriages vs. pragmatic dating choices – is it all that different?

From what I gather about arranged marriages is that it is first and foremost about finding someone who looks good on paper. Comes from a good family. TICK. Educated. TICK. Good genes. TICK. Can provide you with 10 cows. TICK. The list goes on.

Is it all that different to what we do these days when it comes to online dating. Think about all the filters you can set on OKCupid for instance. Ethnicity. Religion. Education Level. Political allegiance. Income level. Food preferences. I have to say I think the modern day system maybe more sophisticated here when it comes to getting rid of the deadwood.

Even if you think in terms of organic dating subconsciously we probably have our own little filters we use to reject those we have no real desire to end up with. I mean simply by looking at a guy with his wonky teeth and crooked nose one can write him off even before he speaks. Learning that a person has no matric certificate is enough to make someone run a mile without even considering that he may be street smart.

The Finances

Related to the point above. If you do pursue love how important is it that your partner is your financial equal? Hmmm….tricky one.  Of course in the fairytale world, they never discuss the cost of getting a bond, running a car, raising children, etc. But in real life those things do come into play. Having dated my fair share of broke asses I’ll be the first to tell you that money does matter. And you know what? Saying that doesn’t make me a gold digger. While money certainly makes life easier it won’t solve problems or fix  a relationship that is destined to fail. Even if your parents set you up with a millionaire whats to say he’ll be willing to share his fortune with you ? No such thing as a free lunch remember.

More important than cash money itself is a persons attitude towards it. I think for a relationship to succeed two people need to be on the same page when it comes to their finances. You have to understand the way your partner thinks when it comes to spending/saving. It’s no use having a guy who wants to splurge all your hard earned cash on holidays while you want to put something by to purchase your dream home.

Defining successful relationship

Finally, how do you even begin to define a successful relationship/marriage? The result of a love marriage is never satisfactory. Divorce, arguments, affairs. These things don’t happen in arranged marriage. Arranged marriage is always successful.

I beg to differ here. You think people in arranged marriages never argue or have affairs? Really? Things happen behind close doors and just because people are able to put on a front about being happy doesn’t mean that they actually are.  Just because a marriage doesn’t end in divorce doesn’t make it a success. Staying put and crying yourself to sleep every night isn’t success. It’s misery.  If divorce/breaking up means walking away from a situation that doesn’t serve you or positively enhance your life that isn’t failure. Remaining in an unhappy marriage for the sake or your children or because you fear being ostracized by society may be noble but it can’t really be considered a success.

All in all, depending on how you look at things arranged marriage may not be all that different from our modern dating practices. As much as people may deny it, most relationships these days are based on pragmatic decisions not necessarily just some abstract concept called love. That said, having babies and being sexually satisfied aren’t really the best basis for a solid relationship if you ask me. And finally whatever the case, the success of a relationship shouldn’t be defined by whether it ends in divorce/break up or has blips along the way. Its better to have a ‘failed’ relationship/marriage that you have somewhat fond memories of rather than end up dying stuck in a relationship where you despise your other half.

And breathe. OK Rinsers. Over to you. Do you think there are some advantages to arranged marriages? Do you think people who believe in love are USELESS? What elements do you think it is necessary to have a solid partnership? How would you define a successful relationships?

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2 comments

  1. bone&silver · January 27

    There are such wide varieties of relationships nowadays that I am in favour of the ‘whatever works for you’ approach. I know couples who are not monogamous, or who never go anywhere apart, or who live in houses in the same street, or who are part of a three. It all works, as long as everyone’s needs for intimacy and support are being met, and everyone feels satisfied. For me, a partnership demands complete honesty, and not necessarily monogamy, plus financial independence to a certain extent; I’ve learnt all this after 51 years!

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · January 29

      Yep. I’ve read a lot about how our obsession with monogamy is the cause of so many problems. I agree that people should be free to do whatever they want, but when you are singleton looking for love in this dark and dreary world people who claim to be in successful relationships/marriages (such as the couple above from Humans of NY/Jaipur) feel compelled to impart such pearls of wisdom upon us ignorant fools. As you say, different strokes for different folks but I do wonder in a world where we are now exposed to more options whether people can be truly satisfied with someone their parents set them up with in. But then again they’ll probably say there is more to life than butterflies and Prince Charming.

      Liked by 1 person

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