“Hi. Do you want to be my friend?” and Other Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Woman

doucheThis post is going to be slightly ranty in nature. Perhaps I will express in it, however, some struggles that women deal with daily.

Last year, I decided to start a writing group. I’m a part of an expat community and at the time it seemed like a good idea to start it there. A part of starting such a group is introducing yourself to the community, which obviously makes sense. How otherwise would people find the group? When I created my spammy introductory message and sent it to the members I expected to be mostly ignored. After all, most people are not writers. Surprisingly, a lot of those who received the message did reply in a very polite way refusing or accepting the invitation. I felt for a bit like the world was a nice, welcoming place.

After the initial wave of nice replies from both genders, I started to be contacted by various men, who clearly didn’t think the message was sent to everyone. In their opinion, it seems, I have sent this personal message to them specifically. Must be, because they’re so hot and I’m lonely and confused as ladies often are. “Hi there. Thanks for the message. I’m not a writer but how about you give me a call on XXXX-YYY-ZZZ?”, “Hi! Don’t do much writing but I’d love to meet up for a coffee”, “Hi! Not a writer but do you have plans for New Year’s?” and my favorite of all, “Hi! Thanks for the message. Do you want to be my friend?”. Eventually to protect my privacy and prevent these people from reaching me on other channels, I changed my surname to initials only. Then I realized that I made a terrible mistake and I didn’t wear a potato sack on my profile picture nor had I  focused on demonstrating a clearly visible sign of belonging to another man. I updated my profile picture to one in which you can see me, my husband and my wedding ring (hint for the more determined types: this man next to me is not my brother). The messages stopped. I never wanted to be this person who defines herself by being married or in a relationship. As I have written before, merely being in a relationship isn’t an achievement.  At the same time, my life is just easier on different networks if I have a profile picture with my husband.

Men are so disrespectful, treating women like commodities they find in a shop. Oh, what a nice pair of shoes! I’ll just touch it and try it on to see whether I like it. WHAT? This pair of shoes isn’t looking for an owner? What a ridiculous pair of shoes! It needs one! Oh, I see they have one. Nah, that’s okay then! I’ll just keep looking. Many men think about women in such terms. She can be approached at any time if she’s not taken and any opportunity can be used for it. Whether a woman is single or not this is very annoying.

Dear men, the list of ways in which a woman shouldn’t be approached include:

  • Hi.
  • Hi, you’re hot.
  • Hi, you’re pretty.
  • Hi, do you want to be my friend?
  • Hi, wana do coffee?
  • Hi, wana move to my country? I pay for everything (true story)

There are very few women who like to be approached in this way. Sure, being complemented on beauty is nice but it’s also nice to be treated like a human being. There are millions silly ways in which a man can strike up a conversation with a woman, which have nothing to do with her looks. She’ll still know you mostly just thought you like how she looks like and had a good feeling about her but will feel nicer that you put some effort into a conversation starter. If she doesn’t seem interested, just let it go. Also think twice whether you should hit on anyone at all. Are they sending you a message that they’re potentially interested? Perhaps she really just wants to have a glass of wine on her own in a bar. A woman isn’t a child that cannot be left on her own. Last but not least, if someone is being friendly or invites you to join their writing group, they may be actually doing what they say they’re doing. At least try to take this possibility into account.

I’m done for today, Dear Rinsers. Any thoughts welcome!

 

 

 

 

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2 comments

  1. EnglishRosiee · January 10

    Ha! Your title reminded me of the time I guy I was ‘dating’ asked me – would you like to kiss? Another question you should never (have to) ask a woman.Well, at least he had some manners, I guess.

    Although, in most cases it is the guy doing/saying inappropriate things I’ve also seen the flipside where a woman has thrown herself (literally) at guy who was clearly not interested (or interested enough). Once I watched as a friend literally chased a guy that she fancied around the club. No jokes there was running involved. Another time, I had a friend groping and kissing a aged man’s bald head while he happily wittered on about his ex. Cringeworthy.

    I guess it is hard when you are drunk/desperate or whatever. I think sometimes people see what they want to see rather than what’s actually going on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 11

      I thought I’m the only person who’s been ever asked “Can I kiss you?” or similar. Clearly not! I also thought it was super awkward.

      I think there’s more at play here. A woman usually says something when someone is being too forward. I mean you really have to be from a different planet if you keep texting when someone doesn’t reply or refuses your offer. Men more often than not don’t do anything. Sure, you could pick up from his behavior he’s not interested but given that you’re keen, you’re more likely to ignore the subtle signs. Honestly, I only encountered one guy telling me an actual “no” and one who stopped replying. Usually they’re polite, responsive and sometimes even encouraging/flirty. Go figure.

      Yes, they see what they want to see. I must say I imagine their lives being quite difficult if they see “I’m interested in you” in a message “I started a writing group and I’m looking for fellow writers to join” 😉

      Like

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