The Importance of Being on the Same Page

heartsicknessIf you observe humans, you may notice that among all the other problems they are facing in their relationships there is the issue of not being on the same page. Let me share a few thoughts about it in my post today.

When you like someone it is somehow tough to suspend your wishful thinking about  this person’s feelings about you. However, as convenient as it may be for the time being to delude yourself about the nature of your relationship, it doesn’t benefit you long term. A girlfriend of mine complained to me once about men behaving like they’re in a relationship and yet not really believing they’re in one. She said that their behavior often reminds her of someone who moves like a runner, behaves like one, even wears the appropriate clothing and yet claims he’s not a runner. This is not a good analogy, however, to why people are less invested in a relationship than what we would like them to be, because unlike the runner such people don’t behave like runners, we just imagine they do. I mean honestly, it’s more like they put their running shoes on every six months.

I recently saw a typical example of this at a party. It was an interaction between a man and a woman, who are some kind of an item. The woman kept touching the guy and he remained entirely non-reactive to her touch. She kept using the terms such as “dating” and “seeing one another” and he didn’t use any of these terms, nor react to what she was saying in any way. She said that he’ll be meeting her family very soon to yet again, no reaction from his side. You’d assume that if he was truly a “runner”, he’d react to any of these cues, instead of looking around as if he didn’t hear them. I mean, does someone really have to always say things for people to get an idea that they’re not agreeing or liking something? Why do we tend to assume that someone not reacting to what we say is agreeing with what we say? Wouldn’t life be easier if we made sure that, for instance, we are in a serious relationship with someone who’s worth presenting to our parents and not just someone we can have fun with and that’s it?

Perhaps we are often so comfortable in our delusions that we would ignore even clearer messages about where we’re at. What makes me think about that is that I have seen people expressing themselves very clearly, like for instance saying they won’t get married or they won’t have children and other side just ignoring it and still hoping for these things to happen. A male friend of mine kept mentioning an upcoming proposal from his side, with his girlfriend replying every time he did something to the extent “Do you think it’s a good idea at this point?”. She wasn’t opposed to the idea of marriage in general but their relationship reached the point in which she was really unhappy. EVERYONE knew that. He kept ignoring her complaints and doubts about the future which she kept voicing both publicly (only if prompted by him) and privately. Eventually, while he was busy ignoring her and planning the perfect proposal, she broke up with him. He seemed to be the only person who was surprised by it. Surely, it’s easier to read between the lines (or in this case, just read) and decide that something won’t work on one’s own terms and try again? Why do we keep ignoring the signs of an upcoming catastrophe, especially if avoiding it is possible (like for instance, my friend could have focused on making his relationship better rather than keep fantasizing about the future)?

Last but not least, there are the pity party people. They know they’re not on the same page with someone because after all, no one would like to be on the same page with them. They choose their pattern of pity: someone always choosing someone else over them, someone always cheating on them, someone always marrying the next person they date after them. Life is a tragedy, there’s no hope. Such people leave notes in books they give for birthday to their boyfriends of two months saying that they’ll never have to be alone, if only the boyfriend will have them (true story). I mean even if the person wanted to one day be on the same page with you, how could they if you’re setting yourself for a disappointment religiously believing your pattern must repeat itself?

I don’t really know the answers. I’m just putting the questions out there, hoping that maybe you have something interesting to tell me Coming back to my initial topic: it is very important to be at the same page, if we want to achieve our romantic goals. People looking for fun should be having fun and people wanting babies should be making babies. Why instead of that, do so many people keep kissing the frog hoping it’ll turn into a prince, even if they have a lifelong experience of knowing that it’s not true? Frogs are frogs, princes are princes and you can’t make a whip out of shit (a Polish saying). Please tell me, why are you still trying?

Comment, Dear Rinsers, please.

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6 comments

  1. Flossy21 · December 12

    This read definitely teases at my thoughts and gives me something to think about. It in particular makes me think of the last relationship i was in. The other person wasn’t willing to work on things anymore, he didn’t want me.. yet, i stayed knowing him for another 10 months! It was that glimer of hope that kept me there, even though i ended up extremely depressed! .. I finally cut all ties May of this year and now realize that i miss the idea of what could’ve been, like love, a lot more than i do the person i was with. I’ve recently realized that i can have love, i do have love in other forms – self love, love from friends, love from my pet dog even.. While i might not be dating, i’m not missing out and i can be OK with where i’m at. After all these months i finally seem to be at some sort of turning point and it’s refreshing. Thank you for your words, they’re very helpful. 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · December 13

      Hi Flossy21! Thank you for your comment. As long as we learn it’s all good. I’m sorry that you had a tough and long end of a relationship… I’ve been there! My last serious relationship before I met my husband lasted 6 more months longer than it should have when I knew my partner and I wanted different things in life and yet I kept going hoping that perhaps it’ll change. Towards the end we couldn’t stand each other any more that’s how far the animosity went.
      I’m glad that your comfortable with being single at the moment. Being happy with being oneself is the right space to be go meet people we’re meant to be with. Good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. updownflight · December 12

    In the beginning of my relationship with my first love, we were mutually head over heels for each other, but then life progressed. He applied to several prestigious grad schools. He got into most, but chose the one furthest from our home state. I wanted to obviously go with him, despite having no work or study plan there of my own. That was the very beginning of the end.

    Two years into living with each other I had marriage on my mind. For Christmas all he gave me, honestly, was a catalog of graduate programs in the US. Soon after he told me he didn’t love me any more. I really freaked out, initially in angry denial.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · December 14

      We live, we learn. I think the problem with first love is that we often think that’s the first and only one and therefore we would do anything not to let it go.

      On a different note, I think women more than men tend to just drop everything for their partner. As we get older we develop courage to focus on our interests and put ourselves first. I really think it’s the case of upbringing and people teaching girls we’re supposed to be nice and agreeable.

      Liked by 1 person

      • updownflight · December 14

        I definitely did drop my plans for him. My plan was to go to Taiwan to continue my Chinese studies. I actually did for a month before the move with him, but returned because of love sickness. After our final breakup I again returned to Taiwan.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · December 17

        I have done similar things when I was younger. Maybe it’s natural to be more emotional and think that love is enough then 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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