The Challenges (and Perks) of Forgiveness

forgivenessWe’ve all been wronged and we’ve done things that we’re not proud of. Forgiveness seems to be the key to move on with our lives in both cases. Unfortunately it’s not as easy as motivational quotes in your friends Facebook feed would want it to be…

First of all, some things are easier to forgive than others. Being in any long-term relationship (be it romantic or not) certainly gives you opportunities to forgive for the simple reason that people aren’t perfect and sometimes they make thoughtless mistakes. It’s easier to let go if you know that person’s heart is in the right place. Sometimes it isn’t, though. For instance, when my frenemy was hitting on my then boyfriend and it was obvious to the point that he started to feel uncomfortable and communicated it to me, forgiveness didn’t come easy. Even when it did, the trust was still broken and I didn’t want to continue the friendship. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to keep a person in your life. In fact, especially if they’re a repetitive offender, that would be silly. The same goes for big bad things happening in the beginning of knowing someone: you should strive to forgive but walk away. If you saw a mirror was broken in a shop, you’d rather buy another one, wouldn’t you? Exactly. No wonder many of us doubt that a bad start can lead to a good relationship.

What makes a difference for how easy or difficult it is to forgive, is what’s been done to us. There’s obviously certain level of emotional pain that can make fluffy quotes about liberation that forgiveness brings offensive. Let’s be honest, many of us are quite lucky in life. Perhaps, like me, you come from a family of emotional coldness/ your parents didn’t support/ they always preferred your brother… There are so many things that are worse than that, though! If I still mull over my mother’s control and anxiety issues that kept me away from doing most things children do, how difficult does it have to be for someone to forgive physical or sexual abuse? To forgive seems to be a necessary ingredient to let go of the past but the more an experience broke you, the more difficult it is to do so. I think that if we can go as far as just acknowledge that someone is human, made a mistake and feel sorry for the fact that they’re in a point of their lives when behaving in certain way seemed like a good idea, that’s enough. I disagree that we have to necessarily love all humanity and be besties with the ones who wronged us.

Another challenge of forgiveness is learning to forgive yourself. From my experience the kinder I am to myself, the easier I’m on others. I used to be the type to cry over spilt milk forever. Why did I do it? Why didn’t I do something else? I really believe that we should try to honestly reply to this question, even if we don’t like the answer. Sometimes I do something I’m ashamed of because I was jealous, insecure or wanted to show off. These are not the qualities I want to see in myself but I know that if I don’t accept the reasons why I did something I can’t get better. At the same time, knowing the answer and beating yourself up for making a mistake is pointless too! As long as we learn it’s okay. Even if we repeated a mistake twice we should rather focus on not doing it the third time than making ourselves feel miserable with guilt. Beware of the alternatives of admitting your mistakes for they’re tempting too. Rather than accept that I did something wrong and admit it, it so much easier to talk it over with a friend and agree that this thing you did wasn’t your fault at all (- Maybe I shouldn’t have called Jessica a slut, but she was being such a bitch to me! – Totally!). Unfortunately, denial may be relieving for short term but long term it doesn’t serve us.

So far, I’ve mostly spoken about the challenges but there are big perks of forgiveness too. The past is gone and dwelling over it creates the presence full of drama. Perhaps I did enjoy this in my early twenties but the older I get, the less I feel like I want to go over the same old stories. What’s the point? Many of these people are not in my life anymore and if I’m reminded of something, I try not to indulge in getting caught up into thinking about it. Anger creates just more anger and there’s no relief. I’ve also noticed that the more I dwell over things and rage, the more often I tend to get angry in general. Also, people I want to be around don’t like bitter, angry people. Sure, no one’s perfect and an occasional moan and bitch session isn’t the end of the world. However, those who inspire me and who help me make my life better are not the same people with whom I’d often have drunk rants about how my ex from 10 years ago treated me badly. Forgiveness and letting go allow us to have a better today, regardless of what happened yesterday.

To sum up, people do bad things to us and we do bad things to people. They both require forgiveness so that we can move on, rather than become crippled by past events. Last but not least, forgiveness can be challenging and it doesn’t mean that we have to let the wrongdoer hurt us again.

So, Rinsers, what do you think? Are you a bitter type who never forgives and goes on forever about your own mistakes and those of others? Does it come easy to you to forgive? Tell me your secrets below.

 

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18 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · September 5

    It’s important to forgive especially those close to us. If we forgive then we allow ourselves the opportunity to be forgiven by someone else.

    Liked by 3 people

    • zlotybaby · September 5

      Definitely! Also when we forgive we should really do it as in let go rather than bring an old thing up again when we’re in a bad mood or something.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · September 5

        If we bring up old stuff the we really haven’t forgiven. Like you said let it go. It was one of those things that put a bad strain on my first marriage. She didn’t forget and did a total recall when angry which in turn made me feel less incline to smooth things over.

        Liked by 2 people

      • zlotybaby · September 5

        Yes, that’s a bad habit and a difficult one to get rid off. People play a lot of games and sometimes having something over your partner may make you feel more powerful (because it’s he/she that did something wrong). It’s not good, though. We all make mistakes and you should always think: would I like to be reminded so often about bad things I’ve done?

        Liked by 3 people

      • bklynboy59 · September 5

        If you believe you have done bad things. Some people don’t believe they ever done bad things.

        Liked by 2 people

      • zlotybaby · September 5

        They’re silly 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. bone&silver · September 5

    You should totally post this over with Debbie on ForgivingConnects, she’d love this! And she’d probably promote it : )
    https://forgivingconnects.com/
    Cheers G

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · September 5

      Thank you for the tip, I’ll get in touch with her 😊

      Liked by 1 person

    • ForgivingConnects · September 6

      You said it Gabrielle!!! : ) Thanks so much for mentioning me to Magda! Love and blessings.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. updownflight · September 5

    I am generally a forgiving person who does not hold grudges, but there were a couple of exceptions for a while. I guess I feel that sometimes a person maybe can’t be forgiven, but they do deserve not to be hated. Maybe not loved, but not hated.

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · September 6

      I think forgiveness is always possible to some extent but as you said you can’t love some people after what they’ve done. Acknowledge they’re human, understand we all make mistakes, yes. But then the other chick? No. Grudges work the worst against the person who holds them so I’m trying not to.

      Liked by 2 people

      • updownflight · September 6

        I absolutely agree that the one who holds the grudges is usually the one that is most affected by it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. ForgivingConnects · September 6

    Magda, this is a beautiful post! I acknowledge and appreciate your willingness to forgive and to not tell the same story again and again. 🙂 Funny, I was just rereading a poem I wrote on forgiveness – here’s a little excerpt:
    “Beloved, the branches of the tree of life
    celebrate the forgiveness, they say, bless you,
    bless this murderer, does this word touch you?
    Forgive.
    Forgive.
    And forgive again. So be the Soul’s
    journey home.”

    This was about my mom’s death – she was killed by a friend. That’s an opp for forgiveness, huh?
    You are welcome to contribute this for Forgiving Fridays – it’s a weekly project I do to encourage readers to share about forgiveness & then I highlight your posts! To contribute all you need to do is:
    1 – add a pingback link to my most recent Forgiving Fridays post (here it is if helpful: https://forgivingconnects.com/2017/09/01/todays-forgiving-fridays-walking-my-own-talk/)
    2 – include #ForgivingFridays in your tags.

    I’m going to follow your blog. So glad to meet you & that Gabrielle mentioned me to you. Blessings, Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · September 7

      Hi Debbie! Thank you for your comment! I’m really happy you’ve enjoyed my post. I’m sorry about your mom, I can’t even imagine what sort of pain you had to go through. I will speak to the co-author of this blog about #ForgivingFridays. Seems like a very positive initiative. I’m very glad that you have come to visit. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • ForgivingConnects · September 8

        You got it Magda. Thanks for your caring 💜 I’m going to highlight this post for #ForgivingFridays! And feel free to contribute more with your partner. Blessings to you both, Debbie

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · September 8

        Thank you, Debbie!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ForgivingConnects · September 12

        Of course! Blessings to your week, Magda. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Today’s Forgiving Fridays: Acceptance and a Surprise! – ForgivingConnects

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