Guys Who Tell You Things (but Don’t Mean Them)

tattoo-702133_1280I think of all the people difficult to deal with, people who say a lot but don’t do much are one of the worst kind. Particularly when it comes to dating, a guy like this may give you an impression that you’re going crazy, as there’s so much difference between what he says and what he does. Read on, if you’re wondering what it means and why he does it.

First of all, talk is cheap. This is why we should try to abstain from listening too much to what people say and rather look at what they do. I’m not talking here about some hyper-vigilance or an absolute lack of trust but just about making conclusions based on reality and not on wishful thinking. Let me share with you a personal example. Once in my early twenties I went away for holiday to a different country and had what you’d call a summer fling. I didn’t treat it too seriously but then the guy started to convince me our countries are not too far apart and that we could make it work if we wanted to. Having had experience with a long(er) distance relationship I knew it was difficult but not impossible. As he kept sweet talking me I started to trust his words and eventually warmed up to the idea. When the time for me to go came he said he loved me to which I didn’t reply as honestly this wasn’t how I felt. He took my email address and we said our goodbyes, he promised to write but never did. I definitely was less into the thing than he was initially but when I was back home and he didn’t write I suddenly started to care (never, ever trust such a feeling!). I convinced myself he must have lost my email address and must be suffering from a horrible heartache. I even asked a friend who was in touch with his friend to send him the email address again. Nothing came out of it either. I was desperate, upset and sure that the guy was dying of love for me, when the cruel world made it impossible for him to get in touch (cause how was I supposed to know that the friend who was to regive him the email address actually did it?). I confided the story in a friend who just said calmly: Don’t you think that if he really loved you, he would have found a way to get in touch? And here there was the enlightenment! (Which to be honest took me a month more to process). The guy liked to talk. Perhaps there was even a moment when he believed in what he said, but following with actions was too much. Maybe his feelings faded as soon as I got on the bus and maybe he tried to get me to agree to long distance just because he wanted me to want him. Who the hell knows? The fact is I should have treated his words lightly and ended up having nice memories of a summer romance. Instead, I took it all seriously and was quite hurt in the end. Conclusion: take to heart to what’s said to you ONLY if actions follow.

Easier said than done, you probably think. Sure, I know men can have very convincing excuses of why they can’t be with you or fully commit at the moment. Unfortunately, all these things are exactly that: excuses. If people want something they grab it with both hands. They may be scared, they may feel that it’s not the right moment or the circumstances are challenging but they just go for it anyway. Which is why, when a man tells you things about how amazing you are and how much he likes you but doesn’t make an effort to make things work between you two because “things are complicated”, you should walk away. He may like you a little bit, he may be sort of into you but he has already decided it’s not enough to make it happen. Sometimes he won’t even give you the excuses, but instead will keep telling you sweet things without making an actual effort to get closer to you. There was this guy in my life, for instance, who claimed to really REALLY like me. According to his words we were a perfect match. What does it mean, though, in the eyes of the reality in which 2 out of 3 times I actually saw him was at the parties I organized. Needless to say these are the perfect circumstances to full yourself you’re onto something real which will turn into a relationship.

You’re probably asking yourself why do they do it, then. Why do they say things they don’t mean and why don’t they just leave you alone? The answers are numerous and depend on the guy and the circumstances. Some guys want a friends with benefits relation but are scared to offer it so instead they lead you on into thinking that one day you’ll be an item. Others, like to have a lot of backpocket girls to always have someone out there willing to hang out with them and give them some attention. Another group really likes you but not in the right way so they friend zone you (throw a stone first who’s never done it!). Last but not least, there are guys that may like the idea of a relationship with you but not its reality. The point isn’t to figure out why they do it because if you think too much about it, you’ll find some perfect excuse why the guy can’t be with you now but once the problem is sorted he will and you’ll just wait for him instead of moving on. I get it that you like him. We’ve all been there! We liked someone who for whatever reason didn’t like us back enough. It’s a big blow to the ego to realize that we’re being rejected. The point is, however, that if you just want to keep liking him, you’re not paying attention to all the guys that may be out there and who’ll be truly into you. If you honestly compare what he’s been saying to you with what he’s been doing and you see a big discrepancy don’t sugar coat it. Realize today he’s not a man of his word and tomorrow you’ll be one day closer to the moment when you’re over him.

To sum up, people talk a lot and often they don’t mean what they say. It’s not cool but unfortunately it’s up to the listener to draw the right conclusions from such behaviors.

Hello, my Dearest Rinsers! Does that sound familiar? Ever experienced such behaviors? Or perhaps you’re the one who talks too much but doesn’t mean it? Tell me your secrets in the comments section, pretty please.

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16 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · July 18

    Ok so you know this works the same with women…who want romantic dinners walks in the parks and blah blah blah blah and then do nothing and complain that there aren’t good men around. Women talk a good game too and deliver very little so be fair and don’t make this just about the men.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · July 18

      Hello there! I don’t have enough experience with women to come up with similar conclusions. I think what you’re referring to is women who claim to like “good guys” and then going for “assholes”? Correct me, if I’m wrong. Well, I’ve read a great post about it recently. Women don’t go for assholes, they go for driven men. Sometimes driven men turn out to be assholes.

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · July 18

        No I’m talking about women who like men talk a good game but play men too

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · July 18

        Hmmmm not sure whether I know what you mean? Can you explain? I honestly have no experience with dating women 😊

        Like

      • bklynboy59 · July 18

        Just like you said men tell women what they want to hear…women do the same thing especially on dating site. Oh how I’m looking for a good man are they any good men left then they play games on them.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · July 18

        Perhaps they’re looking for a good man but this particular man isn’t good enough for them? Just a thought. Looking for a good man doesn’t mean they necessarily have to want the man who’s available. Surely, there are women out there who are players too but I don’t have experience with them so I won’t write about them. Never did I ever say that only men are like this 😉

        Like

  2. EnglishRosiee · July 18

    Experienced enough of these. But to be fair sometimes we also have selective hearing – we hear the bits we want to hear and ignore the other 99% of what is said. As you say, it is a case of looking at their actions. Any idiot can say I love you but are they making enough of an effort to show you that they do? I think sometimes we become so disillusioned dealing with these sorts of people that when we do meet a somewhat decent person we feel the need to analyse everything they say and do before trusting them. It really is a bit of a sad reality.

    I guess it does work both ways as well and the girls aren’t totally innocent in all this. You may not always say things to be vindicative though but perhaps it is just a case of being unsure/wanting to buy yourself a bit of time to see where things are going.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · July 18

      Ja, so I think there really are these guys who say all the right things but just don’t act on what they say. I had such an experience twice and they were the most harmful. More often than not, as you say, it is a case of partially ignoring some things that are being said. Sure, our world doesn’t come from fairy tales. Not everyone deserves to be listened to and the sooner we accept it, the easier our lives will be. By knowing the untrustworthy guys we also learn to appreciate positive values in good partners much more, so there’s something good in bad experiences.

      Oh sure, girls are guilty of it too. Not following up on things isn’t always lying as well. Sometimes just circumstances or our feelings change.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. geminilvr · July 18

    Unfortunately I just had a guy who said words and did the actions too and he burned me bad (see my latest post). All of it just sucks.

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · July 19

      Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry to hear that. Unfortunately words and actions are just good foundations of a relationship and they don’t guarantee a success. I will check out your post!

      Like

  4. EttaD · July 18

    I agree that it does go both ways, men tell women what they want to hear and women tell me what they want to hear and between them both, there is selective hearing like English Rose indicated. There’s also the case of women and men projecting the feelings in action. “You can’t tell me he doesn’t love me he showers me with gifts, always pick up when I call, always text back, we go on vacation together.” I’ve heard this so many times from both men and women only to see the bottom falling out later when the relationship turns sour.

    Had a co-worker once who was playing a woman only to find out he was the one being played. It was just the matter of the shoe being on the other foot, he wanted to bask in the glory of adding a notch to his belt by breaking this young woman’s heart and having bragging rights about it. But instead the tables turned and he was the one that got burned.

    I never took anything a man told me at face value. In addition to words and actions there also had to be commitment and a level of understanding, tell me what you want and I’ll tell you if I can deliver. The same goes for me, entering a relationship I was always forward in relaying my intentions and expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · July 19

      Oh sure, selective hearing and interpretation of actions is something that happens a lot, particularly in bad relationships. People often just take one or two elements of normality and claim that this is indeed a proof of their partner’s devotion. For instance, I knew this girl who was being cheated on but didn’t mind because she “knew he only loved her” and often bought her flowers. I wish this story wasn’t real!

      Gosh, the co-worker sounds like an asshole. At least maybe he learnt his lesson after he found his equal in that woman….

      That sounds like a good strategy. I think unfortunately often people lie to themselves about what they want. Women convince themselves that they’re being silly in wanting this or that thing so “it’s okay” if they don’t get it. People also sense whether you’ll require respect or whether you’re a walkover. If a guy tells you he loves you and you threaten him with a break up if you don’t meet his parents and then 6 months later you’re still together and you still haven’t met his parents, then how can he take what you say seriously? He feels he doesn’t have to follow up with his actions. (I’m not saying the behavior of the female in my example is commendable, it’s just the first thing that came to my mind :p)

      Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · July 19

        Getting flowers doesn’t equal love. Reminds me of something my grandmother told my aunt when she said her boyfriend told her she was the only flower in his garden. My grandmother asked her if she’s ever seen a garden with a single flower!

        The thing is, my coworker pled the victim. Accusing the woman of stringing him on. Go figure!!

        I learned my strategy from my parents, as mentioned they were not married, dad was married to someone else but continued to sew his oats all over the place. My mum is very passive, passive to a point where it makes me ill sometimes. Growing up I NEVER wanted to be the weakest link. My dad was the ‘my way or the highway’ type so you had to be a strong woman to stand up to his type and many women were not. I do believe in love but realised a long time ago it comes and goes, as much as I may love you if your train isn’t pulling up to my station,( just another term for not being on the same page) I’m willing to hop off and wait for one that does. Life’s too valuable to be stupid in love. Sure in high school crazy puppy love is good and heart breaks strengthen you but there comes a time when you have to take the blinders off and remove the plugs out of your ears.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · July 26

        Hahaha, your grandma sounds great.

        Yes, I agree, life’s just too short. People like to use numerous excuses about why they’re in bad relationships. They’re stuck, they’ve been in them for so long, blah blah blah. Break ups are a horrible thing but wasting your life with someone who you don’t have what you want with is much worse.

        Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · July 26

        Exactly!! You can get over a break up, but if you stay in a bad relationship, you’re living that horrible experience over and over.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: What to Watch Out For When You Start Dating Someone | rinse before use

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