Destructive Insecurity and Why It’s Important to Work on It

securityWe all have a certain level of insecurity. It’s much easier to feel comfortable in our own skin when life’s treating us well, but it things are a bit rough, little insecurities can grow into real problems. This is why we shouldn’t brush it off, when it currently doesn’t bother us. Otherwise eventually it can be a source of big problems in our life and relationships.

Problem no 1.

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Insecurity is the biggest factor in developing possessive and envious behaviors. We may feel jealous of someone we know, who’s dating a great person while we’re still single and just seeing losers. Sometimes, already in a relationship we may feel a temptation to limit our partner or feel not at ease when someone more attractive is around. Jealousy may also change our perception of what’s really happening (“I see how you were looking at her!”) and turn an innocent event into a fight. Such behaviors come from one’s own sense of not being good enough, which can be intensified by temporarily fragile state of mind. Something that usually is a passing thought a day after we screwed up at work or had a fight with someone, may grow to a size of a decent problem. Be aware of your own tendencies and work on them when they’re still crawling, because they much more difficult to fight once they stand on their two feet.

Problem no 2.

Bad Dating Choices

It’s one thing if you have a reliable and trustworthy partner and from time to time you feel a bit insecure. Nevertheless, many people are so limited by the diminished sense of self-worth that they don’t even get to that stage. They keep dating people who treat them in a bad way, simply because they think that this is what they deserve. Do you know the saying that we accept the love we think we deserve? It’s very true! In other words, there’s nothing that could make a person unlovable but if someone feels that way, they’ll keep finding partners who’ll prove them right in their conviction. Of course, a relationship that deepens one’s sense of unworthiness makes the person’s issues even worse and here we go again, soon enough their end up in the arms of another Don Juan who’ll break their heart. Active looking for a partner is one thing, but if you don’t work on the way you feel about yourself, you’ll never find the happy partnership you’re dreaming of.

Problem no 3.

Becoming a People Pleaser

The feeling of insecurity isn’t a nice one to deal with, which is why a lot of people try to kill it by making others like them. If they go to meet new people, for instance, they feel insecure. Will people like me? Will they accept me? – the person asks. It doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong with it but the point of meeting new people is for us to enjoy the company of others, not the other way round. Sure, it’s sad when we really liked someone and they don’t want to follow up but in most cases but the need to be liked should never be stronger than the need to like. If we focus on the desire of being wanted, we are just a small step from changing one’s behavior in order to be liked. This in return leads to 1) not being ourselves and 2) being liked by people whose company we don’t really enjoy. Apply this to dating and you end up having people dating someone they don’t like that much just because the person likes them.

Problem no 4.

Insecurity Killers

Long term effort to increase someone’s self esteem is tedious. This is why a lot of people decide to rather than work on themselves find quick fixes for the way they feel. Of course the most socially accepted insecurity killer is alcohol. Who’s not getting more talkative and cheerful after two glasses of wine? The problem is that once we choose to kill the way in which we feel with a substance of a temporary effect, it isn’t easy to stop using it. First we go out socializing and have a glass, later we start having it at home after an anxiety provoking day. People these days drink A LOT and you really have to be not getting up to work in the mornings for anyone to even think you have a problem. And yet, regular alcohol intake does influence your system in a way that long term you end up filling more not less insecure (and therefore more likely to drink again). That everyone does something doesn’t make it right. Most people are not happy, so it’s up to you to decide whether you really want to be like them or do you rather aspire to be like the rare high-achievers.

Problem no 5.

Being a Walkover

If you feel insecure about yourself and the fact that you deserve to be respected, you easily become a walkover. After all, if you think you’re worthless why would you stand up to someone who offended you? How will you defend you life choice in the face of someone who’s criticizing you? How will you stand your ground at work and tell them that you don’t want to do free overtime and the fact that others do it doesn’t make it right? Most importantly what will you tell to an abusive partner who tells you, you should be grateful that he’s not cheating on you? Standing up for yourself requires for you to feel secure about your rights. Working on your insecurity is the only way for you t be able to have a life you want and not the one that happens to you.

The solution

There’s no quick fix for this one. If you started your life with a belief that you’re an ugly duckling, you may have turned into a swan years ago but your psyche didn’t necessarily catch up. There’s exercise and good diet that make you feel more wholesome and make you look better which can be a bit of a self-esteem booster. You can meditate to calm your mind and silence the inner critic that makes you feel worthless. Most importantly, you should just work on your core beliefs that make you feel inadequate and change them into the ones that are more true. You may try to use numerous self-help books for that purpose or get into therapy. We all deserve to be loved, liked and respected. The problem is that unless we feel that we do, we won’t get it. People don’t give you what you’re worth but what you think you’re worth.

The comments section is all yours, Rinsers! Have you ever struggled with insecurity? Do you know people who do? Any tips for how to deal with it?

 

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10 comments

  1. EttaD · June 7

    Hasn’t everyone struggle with these issues at some point in their life? Even the most perceived well put together individual has issues of insecurity, low or not self-esteem and it’s often projected as over confidence. In my insecurities, I armed myself with knowledge because I figured if I was too fat or ugly for a guy at least I’ll be damn intelligent. But what happened was, I found myself only attracting less intelligent guys because the smart guys didn’t want to date a girl who has more brains than he did, it just made him look bad that I knew the secrets to the Universe and he didn’t πŸ˜‰ Well I don’t exactly know the secrets to the Universe! LOL! LOL!

    I agree with you that working on yourself, your core belief is the only fix. It’s a good fix as long as you don’t slip back into those old paradigms. It took a lot of work for me to stay grounded in my beliefs, only then did my relationships began changing because instead of waiting for someone to choose me, I was the one making the choice based on who I wanted rather than who wanted me! Not only in relationships but across the board, career, friendship and associates!

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 8

      Yes, I think we all struggle with such things but it’s even more of a reason to work on it. I don’t think people should give up on some things just because most of people struggle (I’m not saying you’re suggesting that but a lot of people believe that if most people do something, they can use it as an excuse πŸ˜‰). Attractiveness isn’t the key to self-esteem either, if you’re an empty vessel. If you feel like you’re ugly people will feel that way too and the other way round.

      Well done for managing to work on your issues in this respect! As you say, there’s a risk of getting back to your old beliefs, especially when the new ones get challenged. I’ve managed to get new beliefs in terms of my love life and romantic relationships, but I still often struggle to stand up for myself when socializing with strangers or at work. Living is a constant struggle and work on oneself, I guess 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · June 8

        Well said. All the best with your journey of rediscovery, the most important thing is that you recognise the fact that you fall back to those old habit. Some people never do so they’re constantly fighting an uphill battle πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 8

        You’re right, awareness is the key to self-improvement. As they say: it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, but how many times you get up πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. bklynboy59 · June 11

    Always struggled with if I was good enough compared to someone else. I was always compared to other children growing up it was how come you can ‘t read like …or how come you are not good at math like…so and so reading level is and he is a year behind you …so you have doubts and then as a adult it became more of well it’s not quite what we are looking for …so I had lots of doubts about how good I was at work and elsewhere. Then the light came on to believe so I can achieve. I was good enough and I was better than I gave myself credit for and once I started to project that …it made a difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 13

      No one should be comparing children to other children. My parents used to do it too. If I got an A- my mom would ask “Who got an A?”. We’re all different and have different skills, we can’t be great at everything. Competing with others and constant comparisons just make us unhappy. I’m glad that you’ve managed to overcome some of your insecurities and developed a belief in yourself. Well done, it isn’t an easy thing to achieve πŸ™‚

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · June 13

        In my parents they were in their late teens when they had me so right away their views might have been slightly off lol. As my sisters came along things were more mello for them but for me I was the one they were strictest with.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 13

        Unfortunately when parents are not mature the children suffer all the same. I’m sure they did the best they could with what they had at that point in their lives. It must have been hard for them to have a kid so young but it doesn’t mean it was any easier for you to have such young parents.

        Like

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