A Two-Author Review : Fifty Shades Wanker (Part 2 of the Grey trilogy)

Fifty_Shades_Darker_film_posterLast night #zlotybaby and I went to see the much-anticipated (probably only among middle aged ladies of leisure that aren’t getting any) Fifty Shades Darker, the second installment in the Grey Trilogy. As ashamed as I am to say,  having destroyed a few brain cells reading the whole Mummy Porn series, I was expecting a bit more from the movie (not much, but you know!). So Fifty Shades Darker starts where the last episode, Fifty Shades of Grey left off. Anastasia and Christian are ‘on a break’ and he is trying his best to win (read : BUY) her back. Naturally, she has some morals (and poor rinsing skills, if you ask me) so decides instead to renegotiate the terms of their ‘relationship’. It seems that since Anastasia is now a bit of a career woman, rather than an innocent little virgin girl being led astray by big bad Christian Grey, she now feels she demands that he stop smacking her around with his fancy toys and instead give her the vanilla relationship that most average people have.

Right. So unlike #englishrosiee, I only managed to go through the first book. Life has taught me that the “dark secrets” of bad boys are usually overrated and this is also the case here. A whole build up of both the movie and the book is around a secret that’s certainly traumatic, but almost seems not traumatic enough. Once we know His Secret, we’re left with an hour of yawning. The acting is shit, the dialogues are fake and the drama is just off. Worst of all, the sex parts are overrated. Just like in part one, it’s all just spanking and maybe a bit more vigorous coitus than in a typical love-making movie scene. Maybe #englishrosiee who’s a more compassionate critic could focus on some advantages of the movie?

Well…Mr Grey isn’t too horrible to look at (I’m not going to lie, I enjoyed having a good old perve when he was manoeuvring over that pommel horse in his home gym). The actor they cast as Jack Hyde isn’t that shabby either. While he isn’t a total hottie, from reading the book I pictured him to be a rancid, old, fat geezer – you know the type you would expect to work at a publishing house. In fact, there are very few ugly people in the movie. I guess that could be a plus point for Fifty Shades Wanker.  Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world of Macbooks and iPhones where everyone was rich, fabulous and beautiful? Oh wait, there was one semi-ugly person, Leila, Mr Grey’s ex-submissive (because you know Anastasia is the only one who was good enough to be allowed to be a conventional ‘Vanilla’ girlfriend). I’ll let #zlotybaby tell you more about the funny stalker element of the story  ….

Agreed. The actors are pretty, so are the clothes, cars and some landscapes! The Stalker is meant to add even more drama to the whole “fascinating” plot. A rather unstable ex-submissive of Mr. Grey wants to get him back and is very jealous of Ana. What does the latter have that the former doesn’t? Of course, the fact that the protagonist popped her lid (oh, yeah, in the sexist world it’s all about your virginity!), constantly half-opened lips and a baby voice. Just like in “Twilight” (literally – the Grey trilogy started as “Twilight” fan fiction). I can’t try to discourage you enough from seeing this movie, it’s truly a complete waste of time and money. If you’re looking for some romance on the screen, there’s plenty of good stuff out there (you can check out our other reviews for suggestions ;)). Any porn movie will sort you out better in terms of sex scenes (and the plot will be on a similar level). Is there really any reason to watch the movie, #englishrosiee?

Hmm…Not really. But perhaps if you have a pretty mundane life (and no books or you’ve watched everything else on the circuit) it offers some form of escapism. A world where a somewhat average girl can pick up a guy that has it all? A yacht? A helicopter? Sure he has a possessive streak and even carries out a full FBI style background check on you (but we’ll let that slide!). Because I’m certainly doing something wrong – while those Tinder Boys certainly have the Mummy issues down, they just don’t have the same rinse potential that Christian Grey does!

Yup so all in all a lot of hype over a  pretty disappointing movie. If you are looking for entertainment there are lots of other alternatives…watch ANYTHING else that’s on at the cinema, take a long walk outdoors, catch up on some swiping or attend a local swingers party because whatever you are looking for Fifty Shades Wanker is not going to do for you.

Alright Rinsers over to you. Have you seen the film (and more importantly are you going to admit to it)? Has it got any redeeming elements in your opinion? Let us know in the comments below.


  1. Have not seen any of the movies or read any of the books. Did try reading the first book but never got past the first few pages. The book just never seem to capture my interest and I always got sidetracked by other books 😉 In addition, thought Dakota Johnson is beautiful in her own right, I don’t find the actors eye appealing and from the previews, they seem to be an odd match. But that’s just me.


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