5 Bullshit Beliefs of a “Nice Guy”

morpheus“I’m such a nice guy but girls just don’t like guys like me”. How many times have you heard this sentence? Let me quote Tywin Lannister from the Games of Thrones: Any man who must say, “I am the king” is no true king. In other words, a self-proclaimed “nice guy” is just an entitled person who thinks he “deserves” every woman he chooses because he claims to be “decent”. It’s so crazy up I don’t even know where to start. I’ll try, however, with number 1 of the list of 5 bullshit beliefs of a “nice guy”

1. I’m a nice guy she SHOULD like me

Women shouldn’t do anything other than what they feel they want to do, including choosing a partner they like. There may be a million of reasons why one person doesn’t want to be with another person, even if the reason is that they prefer someone who treats them not in a nice way. A truly nice guy would respect a woman’s choice not to pursue a romantic relationship with him, even if it hurts him. Furthermore, if he really cares about the girl’s well-being he would actually be happy for her if she found someone who she truly clicks with. After all, not being you, doesn’t mean, being an asshole.

2. Girls are just after looks

Looks are important and so is attraction but we have a saying in Polish which roughly translates into “every monster will find his or her admirer”. If someone’s not attracted to you, they’re just not attracted to you. You making an issue out of it paradoxically makes you even less attractive. What is more, a lot of “nice guys” complain about women being into looks only while it’s actually often true for them. They want the good looking girls who take care of themselves but at the same time don’t think their beer belly and oily hair could be a problem. Life isn’t only about getting, gentlemen, but also about giving. Do you truly represent what you’re looking for in a partner?

3. I’ve always been there for her!

Ah yes! My favorite. You’re such a “nice” guy that you planned in cold blood that if you’re being helpful and supportive to a lady she will eventually want you for her life partner. Then when it doesn’t happen, you’re very upset. How exactly does that make you a nice guy and not a sociopath who does good deeds hoping to get something in return? That’s certainly not love. If you really feel someone is taking advantage of you and using you then it’s up to you to not let her. Being around doesn’t mean being into someone so don’t confuse being friendly with being interested. Just btw it’s usually rather clear if a girl likes you in the “let’s get married and have babies way”. If it’s not evident than most probably you’re trying to score in a competition you’re not even participating in.

4. But I’m REALLY nice

Cats are nice, dogs are nice, fluffy pillows are nice, most humans are nice too. You’d like a girl to date you because you’re like most things in the world? Being nice is non-negotiable. Now, what else do you have on offer? Can you support yourself? Would you be an equal partner financially? Do you take good care of your looks and health? Are you independent from your parents? Do you have a passion? Do you enjoy your life and couldn’t be summarized as a negative person? Do you take responsibility for your life or are you entitled and blame everyone and their dog for your failures? And last but not least, do you even like yourself? Maybe there’s more to girls not choosing you than just them not liking “nice” guys. Just saying…

5. Girls NEVER choose me

Imagine there was a range of chocolate bars in a shop. Some of them have nice packaging but taste disgusting, others have nice packaging and taste great. We are all looking for the latter in our partner – he or she must both look good and “taste” good in our opinion. Now imagine this chocolate bar that is wrapped in toilet paper and tastes like poo. Would you like to eat it? Exactly. Maybe if ALL the girls reject you there’s something wrong with you and not with them. But, hey, the good news is that you can turn into a nice chocolate bar from the poopy one! You just need to stop blaming the world for your lack of success with women and take responsibility for who and how you are. Trust me, there will be plenty of women interested in the best version of you.

Dear Rinsers, have you encountered many passive aggressive “nice guys”? What do you think about their bullshit beliefs?

 

 

 

Maybe He’s Not Prince Charming …

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In the past I found myself becoming irate with those overly optimistic people who scatter conversations with cheesy gems such as ‘we don’t meet people by accident – they were meant to cross our paths for a reason!’. Really? Tell me, do you really need to cross paths with a wife beater to know you don’t enjoy being slapped about? And do you need to waste your precious child-bearing years with a broke-ass loser to realise there is nothing wrong with wanting to a date an old-fashioned guy who just wants to look after you and is willing to hold down a job to do that?  Honestly, there are some people whose existence in our lives is purely regrettable and no matter how important the lesson, we really could have found an alternative way to learn it without encountering half the fools that serve such purposes.

However, in my old age, I’m also learning to be a little bit more realistic about these things too. That famous relationship guru, Carrie Bradshaw once said that ‘Some love stories aren’t epic novels. Some are just short stories. But that doesn’t make them any less filled with love’. Hmm… I’m not sure about the last part (partly because I don’t like throwing the L-word around in reference to fleeting encounters) but she does have a point. Of course, there are those epic half-decade long romances – the sort of thing that could form the basis of a Hollywood movie, but as much as like minimise every single one of my +/- 50 Tinder guys, not all those short-term things need to be regarded as totally insignificant.

Obviously, there are people who completely turn your world upside down and make you relocate to the other side of the world. In such monumental cases, there is no denying that person’s impact/significance in your life regardless of whether things worked out happily ever after or not. Then there are stranger cases which require a bit more perspective.  It could be the hottie that for reasons you can’t put your finger on gives you a sense of déjà vu and despite being totally wrong for you on SO many levels does serve to make you realise that the ‘one that got away’ really wasn’t an anomaly and your crazy friend was right you really aren’t as much of a troll as you once thought. Score! Or your Valentine’s date of 2006 who suddenly makes a guest appearance in Season 5 of your sad little ‘love’ life. Sure, you may have written him off back then for being somewhat unhinged and of course, by now you know he isn’t your Prince Charming but perhaps he resurfaced simply to snap you out of some silly fantasy you’re stuck in and throw a few strategic tests your way.

So, what am I getting at here? No. I’m not saying you should reassess your each waster you’ve encountered in order to find value in their existence. As I said before most of the dates I’ve been on are simply forgettable, if not regrettable. Just don’t beat yourself up about things that failed. We all (eventually) discover our 20/20 hindsight. For something to have failed you had to have given it a shot as opposed to being a scardy cat/sad spinster. And sure, most of the people we date simply won’t be our Prince/ss Charming, but there are a still few of these randoms that will still play an important role in your story (even if it is simply to save you from digging yourself into an even deeper hole of despair and misery). So keep going, forget the forgettable ones, try not to overanalyse the mistakes and be thankful for those strange surprises who play an odd little supporting role in the story.

Rinsers. Do you believe that everyone you date has a lesson to teach you? Or is that practically impossible in the Tinder age where dating is nothing but a numbers game? Are there some encounters that are truly regretable? And finally even when you miss out on ‘happily ever after’ is it better to have some sort of experience than being the type of sad spinster that hibernates indoors with nothing but her dogs and a jar of peanut butter for company? Comment below!

Hitting the Rock Bottom and Moving On

ancient-577064_1920.jpgI think a lot of people need to hit their rock bottom before they can move on. For many it’s true for work, friendships and romantic relationships. It has certainly always been true for me.

My attitude towards a relationship that was clearly heading nowhere good was first denial and staying in the fantasy world where everything was fine. The less you see your partner and the more of your relationship happens in your own head and the easier it is to deny that the ship is sinking and you should get off the deck before it drags you with it. Eventually there was always something that would be just too much to ignore even with all my wishful thinking. The rock bottom was that time for instance when my still then boyfriend told me he’d like to sexually experience other people. Another time a different guy said that you that he was recontacted by his ex who was an important thing for him. You can’t really go around such things and keep dreaming about the happily ever after, can you? The signs of the relationship going nowhere good were there all along, though. It’s just that I always preferred not to notice them till something was so much in my face that I had to see the reality of the situation.

Hitting your rock bottom isn’t an entirely bad thing, even though at the time it may look like the end of the world. Once you’re there there’s only one way to go really, namely, up. However, the problem is that there is no need to actually go all the way down there. Sometimes I think there’s something particularly wrong with the upbringing of young women that teaches you that you should sacrifice yourself in the name of love and that glorifies such martyrdom. Nevertheless, there’s no brownie points in life for having suffered. Sure, there are some positive realizations that may come from emotional pain  but life doesn’t spare us chances to experience it anyway. There’s no reason for us to self-inflict suffering on ourselves. Many women claim that they would just like to know that they’ve done everything in their power to save a relationship and I encourage them to ask themselves only one question: has he done the same?

Those who need to hit their rock bottom to move on are still in a better situation than those who just stay there once they reached the lowest of the lows. Instead of saying to themselves that it was enough and it’s time to look for happiness in some other places, they stay where they are and agonize over the events going through them over and over again. They don’t do it for the sake of much needed self-reflection to figure out what went wrong but rather to seek validation. They did nothing wrong after all and it was the other person that did not appreciate them! How dare HE to move on? It’s not fair! They fail to see that even if he’s truly the only one to blame for the unsuccessful relationship (which is btw unlikely) they’re the one who stayed with him and therefore are partially to blame in this respect. Holding on to negative feelings is counterproductive, especially when people take it to another level and they never get over such events becoming sad spinsters or bachelors. We all had our bad experiences, the difference between those who eventually find what they’ve been looking for and those who don’t is what they do with the experiences.

Last but not least we have those who seem to move on in the blink of an eye. They get dumped and then you see them two weeks later coupled up with someone else, often a person uncannily similar to their previous partner. The ivy women and related beings are not doing themselves any favors by jumping from one relationship to another, but maybe there is some lesson to learn in their behaviors for those who need not to be able to “do it anymore” in order to go somewhere else or those who never ever move on and become the worst enemies of themselves.

To sum up, even though many of us need to go to their darkest place before they finish a relationship (or anything else), it doesn’t serve us to do it. Working on relationships and ourselves is the safest way to happily ever after, but if something is completely different from what we would like it to be, there’s no shame in giving up. Be it a job or a relationship don’t wait for it to suck up all of your good energy before you decide it’s time to go.

 

‘Breadcrumbing’ – Is Half-Heartedness Really All That New?

Breadcrumbing

 

This is not a post about how much I love carbs (better than most of my Tinder boys is the answer if you are asking!). Anyway…

So, who here has heard of the term ‘breadcrumbing’? No one? Well me neither! Till a dear friend enlightened me recently. With a little bit of Google research you’ll find that ‘breadcrumbing’ has been dubbed the new ‘ghosting’, essentially the latest form of rejection it seems. For those of you who need some clarity, Urban Dictionary defines ‘breadcrumbing’ as :

The act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e. “breadcrumbs”) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.

Relationships are difficult. By now we all get that. Sure, it always starts off with butterflies and foot-popping kisses. Things are all good when you keep things light and fluffy. But the whole ‘getting to know each other’ period can’t go on forever and eventually things need to be taken to the next level. And with that come the hard times (in addition to good times, hopefully!) – dull family outings, shared responsibilities, disagreements and compromise – all of which are elements of adult relationships.

Wouldn’t it just be lovely if we could just stay in that honeymoon phase with all those lazy mornings looking longingly into one another’s eyes? Well, it can’t. We all need to grow up sometime. Right? Well, not really. Enter the commitmentphobe. They want all the fun times without all the boring adulting that comes with a healthy relationship. I don’t know enough about it to be honest but this whole ‘breadcrumbing’ idea doesn’t seem like anything new to me. Booty calls have been around forever and day. Flirtationships are of course another form of half-heartedness we commonly see featuring in modern romance. But I guess our techy-savvy way of life does allow for ‘breadcrumbing’. You know they’ll like your Facebook profile picture but never ask you out on a proper date. The odd WhatsApp here and there is enough to keep an intelligent human suitably entertained, surely?

Ugh. To be honest, I don’t think any of these half-hearted attempts at romance are wrong, per se. We are all adults here and should be capable of managing our own expectations. As much fun as the dating game can be at times (I’m being sarcastic!), the world can be a lonely place for the last single girl/guy standing so looking for a bit of a comfort (read : sexual satisfaction) with your FWB isn’t a crime (just be sure you’ve both been tested for all those pesky STDs). Likewise, seeking that much-needed ego-boost through that an on-going flirtationship is all good as long as all involved parties know where they both stand.

However, what is wrong, and what inevitably will happen in a world which is made up of 50,000,000 shades of grey, is that one party eventually gets led on and starts to think that something more substantial will come out of this. Unlike in the 50 shades triology, most of us normal folk don’t get all our potential lovers to sign legal contracts stipulating the terms of a relationship and what the boundaries are. Maybe things would be less (and a lot less romantic, probably) if we put everything down in writing but the world doesn’t work that way. Sometimes without intending to, when we get involved in any of these half-hearted pursuits, we throw people ‘breadcrumbs’. Something as insignificant as a pat on the back could be read as ‘Oh my God, he really is my Prince!’.

So, far as I’m concerned, ‘breadcrumbing’ is just a new name for an age-old phenomenon of giving someone just enough to let them think you may be interested thus giving them the justification to keep you in the picture a little longer. People may disagree with me, but I think when it comes to love things really are black and white. Well, at least when it comes to two people liking each other enough to give things a fair chance. There is the type of love where after just a week of knowing each other you tell the guy that you aren’t interested in a holiday fling so if that’s what he wants he should let you walk away, and instead of thinking ‘wow this chick is intense’ he sweeps you up in his arms and that marks the beginning of a long-distance debacle that crosses continents. On the other side of the spectrum, you’ve got ghosting. And then there is everything in between. Of course, even when two people start out on the same page there is no guarantee of happily-ever-after. However, no matter what the end result at least you can both exit that relationship knowing that you both gave it your best shot. Everything else, whether it’s the FWB relationship, the booty call or this latest craze of ‘breadcrumbing’, all have the makings of a horror movie…well at least for one of the parties concerned. My intention here is not to preach. If you want to have a few nights of no-strings-attached fun, go for it but just make sure you know that that’s all of this half-hearted stuff can never be anything more than temporary. The moment you started envisaging more than what was promised to you in that unwritten agreement is the day you start on the slippery slope to a heartbreak.

Oki dokes. That’s all from me Rinsers. Your turn. What are your thoughts on ‘breadcrumbing’? Is is something new or something you’ve been party to in the past? Am I wrong to think that everything is pretty black and white when it comes to giving things a go or do you believe here is always a chance that even something that begins half-heartedly can lead to happiness in the end? Answers in the comments below.  

 

 

 

 

“Manchester by the Sea” – We’re All Like Icebergs

Manchester_by_the_SeaI used to watch ALL the movies back in the days but then life happened and I had to put limits on my passion. Even these days I still try to watch at least the movies nominated to the Academy Awards which is the reason why I’ve seen”Manchester by the Sea”, nominated to six Academy Awards.

When we start to watch the movie, Lee Chandler (Casey Affleck) seems to be an asshole. He drinks and he’s verbally and physically aggressive. And yet, when he’s informed about a family crisis he takes off almost immediately. Could it be that a man who seems to be the least pleasant person on the whole planet has the reasons to be such a way? Has life inflicted so much pain on him that becoming that way seemed the only solution? It’s difficult to talk about the plot of the movie without revealing too much. The makers on purpose use non-linear narration to play with our perception of the characters and the story itself. The moment we make up our mind about a character we’re forced to rethink our opinion, because of the new events that surface. I really liked this technique as it leads us to a reflection on our everyday life. We’re so quick to judge and label people, but the fact is that we really know very little about them. After all,”People Are like Icebergs, You only really see the tip of them.”

The psychological depth of the presented characters is an undeniable advantage of the movie. One dimensional heros who are a plight of Hollywood movies, have no entry into the world of “Manchester by the Sea”. Fortunately, the actors manage to face up to the challenge and adapt their acting to ever changing circumstances. Apart from Casey Affleck, whose ascetic rendition of Lee is extremely powerful, we can see the incredible Michelle Williams. Her character initially seems even less likeable than Affleck’s, but the more we learn about her, the more we understand her ways. Both actors managed to give convincing and moving performances that require at least a box of tissues. One should not forget to mention, Lucas Hedges, who does a very good job as Lee’s confused teenage nephew.

The film is a slow drama with minimal music and maximum focus on the characters. Everything is meaningful in it; words, gestures, movements. All scenes serve a purpose as the movie is trying to tell a very complex story within just above 2 hours. The balance between action and non-action seems almost perfect. I’m sure many action movies fans would feel bored but I don’t think the role of the cinema is too produce only numerous installments of Fast and Furious.

I do feel that the Academy Award for the best original screenplay was well deserved so was the Oscar for Affleck. Speaking of the latter I also don’t understand the outrage about his prize. Allegedly he sexual harassed some actresses, which if true is horrible. Nevertheless, the claim that he should not receive a prize for his acting because of his alleged moral misconduct seems ridiculous…Anyway, I do recommend “Manchester by the Sea” to anyone who enjoys a thought provoking film and good acting. Make sure you have a box of tissues ready when you watch it, though.

Have you seen the movie, Dear Rinser? What do you think about Affleck’s Oscar – should (alleged) moral conduct have anything to do with such prizes?

 

 

Body Positivity and/or Healthy Lifestyle?

doveDo you by any chance remember the Dove body positivity campaign (if not just have a look at the pic above)? It presented a bunch of women of different skin colors and sizes, posing together in their underwear, laughing. Some of them were very thin, others average and some more curvy. This commercial to me was the essence of what body positivity really is about – accepting oneself and cherishing one’s beauty. Nevertheless, does loving oneself mean we have a permission to make unhealthy life choices?

It’s a fact that media promote being thin rather than healthy. Quick fix diets and fat burning supplements are not trying to improve your general well-being but make you look like Carrie from “Sex and the City”. Losing weight should be a by-product of someone’s attempts to get healthy and not a goal on its own. It’s also relatively easy to just lose weight, the problem is to keep it at the same level. This is a reason why those who try to have quick results often end up not only coming back to their old weight but even picking up some additional kilos. I don’t believe in all these diets that get rid entirely of one type of a product. I don’t question their effectiveness in weight loss but rather their health benefits and the realism for long term use. I think that the only sustainable way to be healthy and therefore upkeep a healthy body weight is to eat everything in moderation and never to forget to exercise a few times a week.

Body shaming or any other sort of shaming is a rather horrible thing and I don’t think anyone should be subjected to it. However, we shouldn’t forget that it applies to everyone, not only to curvy women.  There’s nothing wrong with being realistic about one’s looks and health and wanting to change them, especially if one’s weight starts to cause health problems. This is precisely why I get a annoyed with what I find to be “aggressive body positivity”. Often when you implement lifestyle changes, people around you who don’t get upset with you. When I started to cut down on sugar, a default answer at work to coworkers offering sweets became a “no”. People obviously link it to watching your weight and if someone commented on that I never felt like giving a speech on the unhealthiness of refined sugars. “One cookie won’t kill you!” and other encouragements were often shared, making it difficult to say “no”. Sure, one cookie won’t kill me but I’d rather have a treat at home that I really like and having both isn’t an option. I also don’t feel like having a discussion I do something differently. If you tell someone about the positive changes you implement when the don’t they often attack it with some sort of self-assuring comments (“I, for one, think a real woman should have curves”). I do get sheepish around people who don’t follow a healthy lifestyle as if my own was offending them. The choices are make are about me and are not necessarily reflection on others. Besides, isn’t body positivity also about giving the right for everyone to be happy about the way they look? Even if it means they cut down on a cookie or two and follow an exercise regime? It’s really not all about the weight but also about being healthier and just feeling better… Body positivity doesn’t mean loving the fact that someone let themselves go but but self-acceptance even if they did. What is more, acceptance should encourage us to and not prevent us from making good lifestyle choices.

My point is, it’s okay to be plus-size but it’s also okay to be minus-size. We should love ourselves regardless but exercise and a healthy diet are worth praise. Binge eating and other eating problems are mental disorders and they should be treated. Self-hate wont help in stopping the self-indulgence which is why any shaming is counterproductive (plus who are you to judge, anyway?). However, being loving and understanding doesn’t mean accepting something unhealthy is good and both lack of exercise and indulgent diet should be recognised as problems to deal with.

What do you think, Rinsers? Can body positivity sometimes have negative results? Can loving oneself ever be in opposition to taking care of oneself?

 

The Clean Break (Up)

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I’m a self-confessed hoarder. Whether it’s antique tupperware, vintage dresses, worn out running shoes or ex-boyfriends. I’m a collector of stuff (and people). In my mind, something/someone has to be really really repulsive before I’m willing to part ways because you never know when old things might come in handy. Maybe in a few decades time your future kids might have a fancy dress event which requires them to wear some vulgar outfit from the early 1990s. Or you never know when you might just need one of those ex-Tinder guys to fix your bike, some heavy lifting or chauffeur you to the airport.

Things are pretty simple when it comes to hoarding material objects – all you end up with is a spare room full of junk from the past that continues to gather dust everyday till perhaps the time comes for you to move house. Then in a rage you decide to discard it all because the physical and financial implications of transporting this junk to another place are just too much. Plus, there is something poetic about starting afresh with minimal reminders of the past to clutter your new chapter. However, when it comes to human relationships, be it romantic encounters or platonic friendships, is it always best of have a clean break (up) or are the ways to downgrade things and keep them in the picture despite your history?

There is this amazing breed of people, that admittedly I am a little envious of but honestly can’t relate to. As soon as they break up with someone they pack up that person’s stuff, hand over the box, remove all traces of them from their facebook profile (sometimes going back years and year and years!) and deleting/blocking their number thereby reducing the chance of any future contact/relapse. Obviously, simply burning all the pictures of an ex doesn’t mean you’ll automatically forget them. You’ll find triggers in the strangest of places and no matter what lengths you go to make a clear break from an ex (even try hypnosis or moving overseas if you must) you’ll likely see mirages of them all over the place for a few months post-break up. But still, making those somewhat dramatic but necessary attempts to cut all ties with the past are probably a step in the right direction when it comes to moving on.

Then there is the other type of person (and yes, I fall into this category). As proficient as I am in the art of swiping and moving on quickly when a potential suitor doesn’t quite make the mark, there are those rare occasions where you meet someone that gets under your skin and it’s when those encounters don’t quite work out that it becomes difficult to simply cut ties. Well, maybe it’s the historian in me that appreciates old things and believes that no matter how far away you run you can never travel back in time and rewrite history (yes, this is what I tell myself to feel better about my bad behaviour). The relationship/friendship happened. Destroying your Facebook account or even chucking your computer out of the window won’t change that. So with this logic in mind this second type of person attempts to do the ‘mature’ thing when it comes to their fellow humans. Even a few years after the fact, you’ll still find them bantering with the one that got away. In fact, they are probably Facebook friends with most of the past Tinder guys. Ugh and while we are it, why don’t we keep them around for sleepovers too. Hmmm….so much for moving on, hey?

On reflection, obviously when a relationship or a friendship no longer serves you in any sort of positive way the best thing to do would be to create some space but cutting all ties is easier said than done. Most long-term relationships/friendships were good once upon a time and even when things do turn sour at the end, it’s not always easy to forget the good times and that person’s good quality. I mean even when someone goes all SWF, you can’t forget all the good LOLs you had once. The geezer you were once in a crew with who since discarded you for his ‘happily ever after’, it’s hard to forget he was there to put things into perspective when some douche screwed you over. I’m certainly not one to talk but I guess if you can’t do the whole black/white, chuck all their shit out of the window approach to breaks ups, then I suggest perhaps the best thing to do is try to wean yourself off the person and work on downgrading rather than going cold turkey. Because as I’ve said before there is always room for the odd ‘coffee friend’.

Rinsers. It’s your turn. Is a clean break (up) always best? Or are there more ‘mature’ ways to handle things? What is modus operandi when it comes to dealing with break ups or friendships that come to an end? Do you let things go easily or try to downgrade? How successful has this mean when it comes to moving on? Share your views in comments below. 

A Two-Author Review : Fifty Shades Wanker (Part 2 of the Grey trilogy)

Fifty_Shades_Darker_film_posterLast night #zlotybaby and I went to see the much-anticipated (probably only among middle aged ladies of leisure that aren’t getting any) Fifty Shades Darker, the second installment in the Grey Trilogy. As ashamed as I am to say,  having destroyed a few brain cells reading the whole Mummy Porn series, I was expecting a bit more from the movie (not much, but you know!). So Fifty Shades Darker starts where the last episode, Fifty Shades of Grey left off. Anastasia and Christian are ‘on a break’ and he is trying his best to win (read : BUY) her back. Naturally, she has some morals (and poor rinsing skills, if you ask me) so decides instead to renegotiate the terms of their ‘relationship’. It seems that since Anastasia is now a bit of a career woman, rather than an innocent little virgin girl being led astray by big bad Christian Grey, she now feels she demands that he stop smacking her around with his fancy toys and instead give her the vanilla relationship that most average people have.

Right. So unlike #englishrosiee, I only managed to go through the first book. Life has taught me that the “dark secrets” of bad boys are usually overrated and this is also the case here. A whole build up of both the movie and the book is around a secret that’s certainly traumatic, but almost seems not traumatic enough. Once we know His Secret, we’re left with an hour of yawning. The acting is shit, the dialogues are fake and the drama is just off. Worst of all, the sex parts are overrated. Just like in part one, it’s all just spanking and maybe a bit more vigorous coitus than in a typical love-making movie scene. Maybe #englishrosiee who’s a more compassionate critic could focus on some advantages of the movie?

Well…Mr Grey isn’t too horrible to look at (I’m not going to lie, I enjoyed having a good old perve when he was manoeuvring over that pommel horse in his home gym). The actor they cast as Jack Hyde isn’t that shabby either. While he isn’t a total hottie, from reading the book I pictured him to be a rancid, old, fat geezer – you know the type you would expect to work at a publishing house. In fact, there are very few ugly people in the movie. I guess that could be a plus point for Fifty Shades Wanker.  Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world of Macbooks and iPhones where everyone was rich, fabulous and beautiful? Oh wait, there was one semi-ugly person, Leila, Mr Grey’s ex-submissive (because you know Anastasia is the only one who was good enough to be allowed to be a conventional ‘Vanilla’ girlfriend). I’ll let #zlotybaby tell you more about the funny stalker element of the story  ….

Agreed. The actors are pretty, so are the clothes, cars and some landscapes! The Stalker is meant to add even more drama to the whole “fascinating” plot. A rather unstable ex-submissive of Mr. Grey wants to get him back and is very jealous of Ana. What does the latter have that the former doesn’t? Of course, the fact that the protagonist popped her lid (oh, yeah, in the sexist world it’s all about your virginity!), constantly half-opened lips and a baby voice. Just like in “Twilight” (literally – the Grey trilogy started as “Twilight” fan fiction). I can’t try to discourage you enough from seeing this movie, it’s truly a complete waste of time and money. If you’re looking for some romance on the screen, there’s plenty of good stuff out there (you can check out our other reviews for suggestions ;)). Any porn movie will sort you out better in terms of sex scenes (and the plot will be on a similar level). Is there really any reason to watch the movie, #englishrosiee?

Hmm…Not really. But perhaps if you have a pretty mundane life (and no books or you’ve watched everything else on the circuit) it offers some form of escapism. A world where a somewhat average girl can pick up a guy that has it all? A yacht? A helicopter? Sure he has a possessive streak and even carries out a full FBI style background check on you (but we’ll let that slide!). Because I’m certainly doing something wrong – while those Tinder Boys certainly have the Mummy issues down, they just don’t have the same rinse potential that Christian Grey does!

Yup so all in all a lot of hype over a  pretty disappointing movie. If you are looking for entertainment there are lots of other alternatives…watch ANYTHING else that’s on at the cinema, take a long walk outdoors, catch up on some swiping or attend a local swingers party because whatever you are looking for Fifty Shades Wanker is not going to do for you.

Alright Rinsers over to you. Have you seen the film (and more importantly are you going to admit to it)? Has it got any redeeming elements in your opinion? Let us know in the comments below.

Oversharing vs Opening Up – When to Better Bite Your Tongue

quiet-29763_640Many people don’t realize that there’s a big difference between opening up and oversharing. I was reminded about it when a few weeks ago a girl at a party was telling me that her father wanted her aborted as she was a child he didn’t plan, but her mother refused to have an abortion. Knowing that scarred her for life. Sounds hectic but it did make me feel extremely uncomfortable. It was the first time I saw this girl in my life. We had a few minutes of what I considered to be a rather general conversation about having children and male responsibility. She thought she was being honest, genuine and moving a conversation to a more personal level, while to me she was oversharing and making me feel uncomfortable. Such misunderstandings are actually quite common.

A good example of when feeling the difference between oversharing and being open is important are first dates. A person who shares too many secrets early on can strike the other person as desperate. First dates are not for telling each other everything but for scanning for compatibility or lack thereof. Ideally they should be short, sweet and leave the other person with the feeling of wanting more. You can tell the potential match about your childhood traumas or about bad relationship experiences of the past but don’t expect positive results. If the other person initiates such conversation it may mean their issues are all out there and therefore they’re not good for a stable relationship. Bonding over problems such as a broken heart or difficult childhood can lead at best to a fling with (hopefully) great sex and a lot of drama, at worst to a one night stand that will lead you into feeling naked in all different ways. Slow and steady, wins the race…

Another place where you should rather bite your tongue than say too much is your workplace. My view on these issues may seem overly conservative but I’ve seen and experienced myself work friendships going  sour and leading to dramatic events. This happens in personal lives too but the thing is it’s much easier to cut a negative friend in your life if they’re not connected to you professionally. Offended egos and unresolved conflicts can lead to actual professional problems, especially if the person that now hates you is your superior. The simple rule to avoid such situations is being friendly but not besties with your work colleagues. You should have a proper life filled with friends outside work, also because it supports the separation of work and personal life and the balance between the two. Oversharing at work makes people particularly uncomfortable because they don’t come there to deal with your problems. Sure, we are all entitled to be in a bad mood from time to time but do your colleagues need to know you’re dealing with a crippling depression? And more importantly, even if they do know, how can they help? If you’re easy to read like an open book, you may come off a bit as an emotional mess and it can affect the way people look at you professionally. The thinking is: if he/she can’t handle hide his/her feelings at all, how can I trust she won’t get emotional during business negotiations? Ideally it shouldn’t matter but people are people. Look at the outrage at Casey Affleck’s Oscar that is after all, not a prize for one’s alleged moral conduct.

Last but not least, try not to overburden strangers with your issues. Similarly like with dating, you should keep certain constraints with people you’ve just met. If you click, you can meet at a later stage and tell each other all your secrets. However, parties are meant to be fun and not free therapeutic sessions. Open up and share your experiences but don’t go too far. It doesn’t mean you can’t express your feelings or you should only talk about positive things. If you’re talking about bad hospital experiences go ahead and bitch. Don’t go on, however, telling people how you lost your grandfather at the age of three and he was the only person that ever loved you.

To sum up, if you’re wondering whether something is too much information, it probably is. Remember that such overshares, regardless of the context, may result in the following:

1) Make people think you’re a mess

2) Make people think you have no one closer than them to talk to about these things

3) Make people feel like all you want to do is talk about is you

I know we all sometimes talk too much and trust me I’ve been guilty of doing that wayyyyy too many times, especially after one drink too many. The question one needs to ask is always whether we want to make a certain impression. We should just be aware of what sort of vibe we may be sending out there and if it’s not what we want, maybe we should consider getting some paid help or better friends.

What do you think, Rinsers? Should we tell people what’s on our mind at all times? What’s too much information? Comment section is all your and you’re more than welcome to overshare here 😉

 

 

Losing My Speed Dating Virginity (And Cape Town’s Man Deficit)

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Today marks the 2 year anniversary of me waking up in #zlotybaby’s bed (during our 2 broke girls phase) and deciding that it was time to bite the bullet, join the world of online dating and start swiping. While a lot has changed since then one thing that hasn’t is my single status. It seems like the technologically savvy way of doing things doesn’t really work for an old-fashioned girl like me. Look to be honest, while I haven’t found my Prince Charming I certainly have had my fair share of adventures and found a few gems along the way. Anyway, I decided it was time to change things up a little – get off the world wide web and back to reality so just last night I decided to give speed dating a shot.

Well. you’d think that by now with +/- 50 dates under my belt, I’d have enough experience to have gotten over that social anxiety that people get when it comes to first dates but alas it’s always good to have a wingman to hold your hand. So a couple of weeks ago I signed myself and a male friend of mine up for a speed-dating event organised by SMARTDate at Slug and Lettuce  River Club in Observatory. Sadly, the first event we booked for got cancelled due to lack of men (a harsh reminder of that man deficit that exists in the Mother City – where there are 7 women to every man or something along those lines!)

I think we’ve all watched enough movies to understand the concept of speed dating – 5- minute dates with a bunch of random guys/girls. Most tend to be somewhat comical and then maybe there is one that you can’t tear away yourself from when that bell rings. Hopefully, he/she feels the same and details are swapped and BOOM! Happily-Ever-After. Well, I’m not sure if things worked out quite that way for any of the participants at the SMARTdate event but who knows…

So in reality what happened was that three guys arrived late (typical Cape Town vibes!) which meant I was one of the three chicks that were sat out and reminded once again that the dudes held the all-important power card when it comes to the numbers game that is modern dating. Thankfully, the three latecomers did eventually pitch so we weren’t sat there balling our eyes out for too long.

Unless you are a socially awkward hermit (in which case I have no clue why you’d sign up for such a public dating event) having a 5-minute conversation with a fellow human isn’t usually too arduous, especially when there are a couple of glasses of bubbles involved. But obviously, some conversations just flowed better than other. Of course, there were the very predictable Cape Town conversations about where you lived, what job you did, etc. Oh, and did you know that everyone and his dog is a runner? Lols! But there were also some more memorable conversations. A bit of Brit banter is always appreciated. And then there was the guy that asked if I could be an animal what would I be?  A unicorn. Obviously! All in all, I would say 6 out of 8 ‘dates’ were pleasant enough. 1 was slightly awkward so 5 minutes felt like an eternity and I can’t really count the mid-event debrief with my wingman as a ‘date’ as such.

At the end of the event, there is a little card where you jot down the names of all your victims and you can state whether there is potential for them romantically (R), for friendship (F) or business (B). I was (un)reliably informed that I was not to tick B. Go figure. Anyway the next day you upload this information onto the SMARTdate system and if both parties went for the same option you have access to each other’s information. Or if you happen to be Cape Town’s favourite pick-up artist. aka my wingman, then you can just go ahead and ask for every chicks number at the bar once the event has ended. Don’t ask me how he does it. Just don’t.

It’s still early days but I can tell you that so far I have 3 matches on the system. In which category? Well, that I’ll let you work out for yourself. All in all, I’ll say that my first experience with speed dating was pretty positive. It requires a lot less effort than Tinder, doesn’t require you to have to trawl through lots of deadwood and waste half your life having intense WhatsApp conversations with people who have little potential romantically. The guys, and the conversations, in general, were all very respectable. At least you can rest assured that when you remove the cellphone/computer from the equation people are more likely to treat each other better and not begin conversations with things like DTF? and the like. And the other part that was pretty cool was swapping notes with the other chicks at the end of the night. So while I may not have met my Prince Charming this time round, I certainly had a good night out and I’m pretty sure I’ll give it another shot sometime soon.

So Rinsers… Have you ever tried speed dating? Are you a fan? Or do you think expecting to find a connection with someone during a 5-minute conversation is a little unrealistic? Please give us your thoughts in the comments below.