Lost in Lust

lust

Love and lust are sometimes difficult to differentiate between, especially at an initial stage of a relationship. The reason for that is the intensity of attraction, which is often just a strong response to our unresolved issues from childhood. Sometimes you feel like your emotions towards a person are so strong that it must be love, when in fact it’s just lust. How to know which one is which? Let #zlotybaby tell you some things she’s learned.

It is funny how some things in life remain an absolute mystery and you keep doing them wrong over and over again till the enlightenment comes to you. This was exactly what happened with me and my understanding of lust. Throughout years of heartbreaks caused by guys that I honestly didn’t even like as people I never realised that I forgot to ask myself a very important question in the early days of “vibing”, namely, “What do I like about him?”. When you’re driven by lust you’ll most probably come up with answers such as “there’s just something about him”, “he’s nice” or worst of all “we have a connection”. If these are your answers to the question, you can be almost sure you’re dealing with lust. Otherwise you’d be able to come up with other traits such as the person being smart or funny or having a similar outlook on life (in other words to do with their personality). You also respect the person you have actual feelings for and you are interested in what they have to say. Lust is based mostly on appearance of the other person and the chemistry between you two. The problem is that you can’t admit it to yourself because you don’t want to let this one go (you “like” him, after all).

The dangers of lust don’t end on being attracted to people who are good looking but don’t have much more to offer us. An even worse situation is when we’re attracted to someone because of our issues. Women who “love” too much often direct their feeling towards emotionally or otherwise unavailable boys. When I used to be scared of intimacy and commitment I was going out on dates with one guy with issues and a “mystery” after another even though or maybe exactly because I knew nothing good could come out of it. There’s hope, however, as there comes a moment when you realize that you don’t want to be trapped in a circle of drama, tears and chemistry but no substance. You realize that not being in emotional pain and constantly at your best with someone doesn’t mean boring, it means healthy. I developed a system of red flags to know when someone should be avoided but I still felt the need to be around them which I had to deny myself. That was the most difficult part of the whole process. Not being at the stage when I was ready for a real thing but knowing that a wrong thing is a wrong thing regardless of how strongly I “just liked them”. At the end of the day, getting involved with someone you don’t truly like spending time with is wasting your time. Many of your butterflies fly away after a few months of dating and all you’re left with is the person you’re not so fond of, a broken heart and a question “What have I seen in him?”

All that will be useful for those who find themselves in dramatic and exhausting relations when they crave something worthwhile. There’s nothing wrong, however, with being “in lust” with someone and having fun as long as we take it for what is it.

Tell me, Dear Rinser, have you ever struggled to see the difference between love and lust? Is there anyone around you who almost seem to go for those who care little about them? Comments section is all yours.

 

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11 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · January 24

    Love never fails and love doesn’t fade…lust does that is a huge difference. And in the beginnings of a relationship most sadly lust after someone and know they are lusting because the love hasn’t made it was towards being established yet. So to answer your question ..yes I knew a coworker who lusted after many women both at work and else where and loved none …he loved himself more. It backfired on him once for sure. He had an affair with a woman who fell completely in love with him …he claimed to love her too, yet when it came time to commit …he didn’t.

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · January 25

      Yes, your coworker sounds like a guy with commitment issues. I hope that he eventually managed to have his things sorted.

      Like

    • zlotybaby · January 25

      It doesn’t seem like my previous comment was sent… I’ve said I’m sorry about this guy and I hope he managed to overcome his issues.

      Like

  2. EttaD · January 24

    Well, I have never struggled with the two because I knew the difference and a bit guilty about indulging in both. Lust is fun. You know there’s nothing there but the benefits are worth the adrenalin rush 😉 Does that make me sound like a philandering whore? I love men, I love beautiful or interesting men! But I don’t take to flirting, I prefer to be the one flirting not being flirted with. It’s always great to know you have someone to call on in the event you need a last minute date or feeling lonely on a Friday night. It’s all fun and games as long as you both have the understanding that neither of you is looking for a long term commitment.

    I also love being in love! It’s great when you can look at your partner and remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. Sure he pisses you off at times, but then he has also made you laugh, made your heart skip a beat, created wonderful memories and all the stuff you don’t get with lust.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 25

      Philandering whore, lol 😀 No, it sounds like you love life and know how to have fun. As I said in the post there’s nothing wrong in getting into lustful relations as long as one takes them for waht they are 😉 The problem appears when one mistakes them for love. As you say, it’s all good when two people are on the same page. Unfortunately, often people deceive each other. Especially guys like to pretend they’re really into a girl when actually all they want is access to their panties. The signs are usually right there, so it’s for females to see them and stop with wishful thinking 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · January 25

        LOL! LOL! Thought you might like that one, “Philandering Whore” is an expression my grandmother used to use when describing her colourful family tree.
        This is so on point with everything, free access to panties :p Lust being mistaken for love etc. lol

        Liked by 1 person

  3. EnglishRosiee · January 24

    Sigh!

    I agree with what you say to some extent. When you ask your old friend why he is into his latest Tinder chick and what exactly they have in commong and after much contemplation he says – … ‘well…we both like to eat’! It doesn’t bode well. But it is a harder when the shoe is on the other foot and you are being asked the very same question!

    That said there are situations where what starts as lust can eventually become love. Once upon a time when I was naive a silly boy dropped the l-bomb after like 3 days of knowing me (and yes, in the moment I said it back!). Looking back there as a more mature 30 something with a little bit more life experience under my belt I’d look back and say that moment was more about lust than it was about love. Still, that didn’t stop it becoming more than just a romp in a back alley somewhere…it did eventually become something more real. So yes,I think in every case the butterflies often fade (plus as much as I hate to admit the butterflies are probably a big part nervousness anyway) but maybe sometimes they can be replaced by something better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 25

      I think that the case you’re talking about was different. You didn’t fall in lust but in love. Sure, you were young and maybe the L word was said a bit prematurely but it happens when we have little experience. You also liked the guy as a person and much as he may not be what you want as an older self it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t love back then. I think young love has different rules that the mature one because let’s be honest, a few of us end up being lucky and meeting the right person that turns out to be the One through years early in life. Most of us have a bag of issues to work through before we know what we want. To conclude, you’re talking about loving as a young person and not about lust turning into love 😉 Argument invalid!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. vagueface · January 26

    Dearest ms Zloty. You have an eye for the urgent. This is a pressing issue, which I commend you for raising. Some quibless:

    1. My main complaint is that not everyone is as “propositional” as (I suspect) you are. So articulating why I find someone interesting might be beyond my ken – not because I’m “merely” in lust, but because my head doesn’t work like that. David Hume claimed that we’re not motivated by reasons, and he was at least half right.

    2. We shouldn’t diss lust. If all we’re targeting is kindness, wit, intelligence and charm, why don’t we expand the field to include people outside of our sexual preference (since lust is off the table)? The fact that we don’t proves that lust is front and centre of our mate-selection behaviour, and rather than diminish that we should seek to lust properly.

    3. Further to 2., since we’re (literally) animals, it would be odd if lust had no proper role to play in our mate selection.

    4. When you write that “Lust is based mostly on appearance of the other person and the chemistry between you two” I think that you’re too hastily eliding the border between sex and chemistry. When most people refer to “chemistry” they include (often mainly) behavioural elements like compatible communicative repertoires (“she just gets me”). You might ask why they don’t then simply mention those elements, but see 1.

    5. Finally, (just kidding) it might be too much to ask of people that they look for signs of love (even mere lovability) early on. Many people are inclined to the view that love evolves or is discovered over time (how freaky is the guy who proposes in the runup to the first date?). In that case why rush the identification?

    6. I suspect also that this confusion you finger is largely a ladies’ issue. Men usually have a clear distinction between who we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and who we’d like for the rest of the evening. We need it as the second category expands so rapidly.

    Like

    • zlotybaby · January 26

      It’s Mrs Zloty.

      1) Interesting. In my experience the distinction was quite clear. Every time “I just liked someone” I felt only attracted to them, while when I had feelings I could pinpoint what I liked in the person I was attracted to as a person. I’ve found that trait in my female friends too. Perhaps it’s a gender difference.

      2) Agreed. I’m not saying don’t lust. I’m saying lust all you want but know you’re lusting. Lust and appreciate as a person and you’ve found someone worth pursuing.

      3) Agreed again.

      4) Chemistry is necessary for a good relationship to work. Lust is a part of chemistry. Lusting someone doesn’t mean you have a good chemistry but you may end up having sex and have your judgment clouded into thinking you do.

      5) It depends on what you’re after. If you’re after a partnership you must be slightly pragmatic. That’s why I think online dating is so successful. Sure, you see someone’s picture but good looks don’t always mean you’ll be attracted to the person so you’re left with a very superficial judgment and your pragmatism.

      6) You may be right. I only have a female experience.

      Like

  5. Pingback: Stuck in a Fantasy World – When Your Relationship is Just in Your Head | rinse before use

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