Love and lust are sometimes difficult to differentiate between, especially at an initial stage of a relationship. The reason for that is the intensity of attraction, which is often just a strong response to our unresolved issues from childhood. Sometimes you feel like your emotions towards a person are so strong that it must be love, when in fact it’s just lust. How to know which one is which? Let #zlotybaby tell you some things she’s learned.
It is funny how some things in life remain an absolute mystery and you keep doing them wrong over and over again till the enlightenment comes to you. This was exactly what happened with me and my understanding of lust. Throughout years of heartbreaks caused by guys that I honestly didn’t even like as people I never realised that I forgot to ask myself a very important question in the early days of “vibing”, namely, “What do I like about him?”. When you’re driven by lust you’ll most probably come up with answers such as “there’s just something about him”, “he’s nice” or worst of all “we have a connection”. If these are your answers to the question, you can be almost sure you’re dealing with lust. Otherwise you’d be able to come up with other traits such as the person being smart or funny or having a similar outlook on life (in other words to do with their personality). You also respect the person you have actual feelings for and you are interested in what they have to say. Lust is based mostly on appearance of the other person and the chemistry between you two. The problem is that you can’t admit it to yourself because you don’t want to let this one go (you “like” him, after all).
The dangers of lust don’t end on being attracted to people who are good looking but don’t have much more to offer us. An even worse situation is when we’re attracted to someone because of our issues. Women who “love” too much often direct their feeling towards emotionally or otherwise unavailable boys. When I used to be scared of intimacy and commitment I was going out on dates with one guy with issues and a “mystery” after another even though or maybe exactly because I knew nothing good could come out of it. There’s hope, however, as there comes a moment when you realize that you don’t want to be trapped in a circle of drama, tears and chemistry but no substance. You realize that not being in emotional pain and constantly at your best with someone doesn’t mean boring, it means healthy. I developed a system of red flags to know when someone should be avoided but I still felt the need to be around them which I had to deny myself. That was the most difficult part of the whole process. Not being at the stage when I was ready for a real thing but knowing that a wrong thing is a wrong thing regardless of how strongly I “just liked them”. At the end of the day, getting involved with someone you don’t truly like spending time with is wasting your time. Many of your butterflies fly away after a few months of dating and all you’re left with is the person you’re not so fond of, a broken heart and a question “What have I seen in him?”
All that will be useful for those who find themselves in dramatic and exhausting relations when they crave something worthwhile. There’s nothing wrong, however, with being “in lust” with someone and having fun as long as we take it for what is it.
Tell me, Dear Rinser, have you ever struggled to see the difference between love and lust? Is there anyone around you who almost seem to go for those who care little about them? Comments section is all yours.