Mating Habits: Locusts, Tortoises and Humans

fullsizeoutput_1It seems like a random choice to write about locusts, tortoises and humans but as I only ever had the opportunity to observe the mating behaviors of these three species, I decided to say a few words about what I’ve seen (and heard).

I encountered a red locust during a stroll on a South African farm. It was massive and freaked me out as pretty much any insect apart from regular size ant does. I was wearing my anti-cobra shoes (sneakers covering my ankles and no, I don’t have any proof they actually would protect me from cobras) but I didn’t expect to bump into what you can see on the image above. The huge insect turned out to be two specimen sitting on the top of one another and doing the obvious. I have heard nothing at all, no sounds of pleasure or pain. There was also no movement. As I’ve learned by the means of research, when the male locust sits on the top of the female he inserts sperm into her via his abdomen. The sperm is transformed into eggs which the locust female has to then lay for 10-20 days depending on surrounding conditions. Not a very romantic mating ritual but I’m sure many women would be happy with an option of an express pregnancy.

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The coitus of a tortoise was something I wish I have not seen. I was out on a romantic walk in a botanical garden when we saw two tortoises moving at a pace that was contrary to the proverbial slowness. It quite soon turned out to be a part of a mating behavior in which a smaller, female tortoise was running away from a male representative of the species. Eventually the male managed to mount the female and started to perform clearly copulative movements. She didn’t stop running away which was a grotesque view. At some point she managed to get him of her and hide in her shell. The male tortoise wasn’t easily discouraged, though. He kept trying to get on top of her, repeating the move we all know from life and porno movies. I was quite disturbed by the whole scene as it looked like the male’s advances were truly unwanted. The impression was intensified by the sounds in which the female was squealing (and I can swear I could hear “help me” whispered under her breath) and the male was grunting with effort. I was even thinking about interrupting the unromantic scene, but google informed me that it’s just the way in which tortoises mate. Disturbed as I felt I let the nature take its course. Apparently the ritual can last for a day (!) and nobody has time to watch that!

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Last but not least, let’s discuss briefly the mating rituals of humans. The practical part is quite easy and if you don’t know how it works blame your parents for not telling you about the bees and co. Still, humans are quite complicated when it comes to their sexual habits because we want more from a partner than just someone we can produce an offspring with and relationships…Oh boy! We’ve been running this blog for almost two years and we’re nowhere close to figuring humans. What is more, we are privileged to experience pleasure from sex which is quite uncommon in the animal world. And yet, we’re trying to spoil it for ourselves. Religions favorite restrictions are on sex. Catholic Church wants us not to use contraception and just have sex when we reproduce. Pleasure may happen but solely when we’re trying to conceive. Other denominations and religions can be less strict but they still want us to have fun with one partner in life at the most. Even for non-religious folks there are so many limitations! Double standards for males and females, moral judgments, guilt, guilt, guilt everywhere! Sure sex was meant as the nature’s way to procreate but we do have overpopulation and it’s not necesary from the point of view of the survival of human race for everyone to reproduce. We’re really just the worst because of these overgrown brains of ours!

I hope you enjoyed my slightly different post today, Dear Rinser! If you have any comments or observations about mating habits of animals or anything else to say please free feel to comment.

 

 

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Two’s Company … – How To Be A Good Third Wheel

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Of course being single has its benefits. You get the whole double bed to yourself. You are free to waste a weekend dossing about in your PJs, eating ice cream and indulging in a SATC marathon with no judgement. Or just go wild and book yourself a trip of a lifetime without worrying about the logistics. The list is endless I suppose. But there are also times when being single simply sucks! Never more so than when you start to feel like you are the last single gal (or guy) left in a world full of couples. I’m sure there are many of us that can identify with that nightmare scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Bridget finds herself at a dinner party surrounded by smug married couples.  Ugh!  So this brings me to the topic of today’s post – The Third Wheel.

As much as singletons can try to avoid the coupleverse there are just some times you are going have to suck it up and go with it. Perhaps your bestie found herself a new man and really really really wants you guys to meet or maybe it’s just that you are a larry no mates on New Year’s Eve so you have no other option but to gate crash your parents’ Tinder date. Whatever the case here are a few tips to help you through the process of Third Wheeling.

Only go where you are wanted

First and foremost, a no brainer. Most people want to avoid the awkwardness of being a Third Wheel and then there are others that are…ummm lonely (or just plain annoying) I guess. It’s important to gauge where couples are open to your presence as a Third wheel. Perhaps it’s a meeting that none of you three particularly want to be at so it’s pretty much a matter of safety in numbers and you split a cronut in three as you wait (and wait and wait) for this torturously boring social obligation. Then there are those times when couples need their alone time (and no this doesn’t always have to be limited to in the bedroom). Say you see your brother from another mother wining and dining his missus … just know this is NOT the time gatecrash the party, ask him to fix your broken iPod and use it as an excuse to catch up on all the gossip! Really you aren’t doing yourself any favours here and you’ll end up looking like nothing more than a needy loser.

Know your place

As much as you may want sympathy and feel victimised, couples don’t invite singles out to coupleverse events to make you want to feel inferior and go home with thoughts of suicide.  Hopefully, these people are your friends. They may have invited you out to set you up with one of their single friends or simply to enjoy your good banter. While in most instances they do appreciate your presence it is important that the third wheel understands their purpose. Don’t use it as opportunity for one-upmanship, or to make yourself the centre of attention by flirting with your friend’s other half.

Calling it a night

Say you are out and about sarging on Kloof Street when you bump into your bestie and her beau. They politley invite you over for a drink. The chit chat is good and you are having fun, much more than you would on your lonesome, in fact. Whatever the situation and no matter how epic the conversation, learn when to call it a night. There are always subtle signs that’ll show you where you’ve outstayed your welcome. Whether it’s that you’ve got to attend some exclusive event in Camps Bay or just have a date with your kitty cat – just make your excuses and get out of there!

And yes it is not always about the Third Wheel

Loved up people also have a responsibility to play when it comes to this Third Wheeling situation. Unless you are one of those Ivy Women that are literally jumping from one relationship to the next – we’ve always been single at some point in our lives so don’t make things awkward for your single friends by flaunting your happiness in their faces all the time. If you do find yourself with one of those annoying Third Wheels that don’t get a hint (you know those one who’d even volunteer to join you and your man for a weekend away even though they know you aren’t into threesomes!) then it’s also up to you to take charge of the situation. As kids we were all taught to be nice and more inclusive towards the weird kids/outcasts in the playground. Well we are all adults now and we no longer have to do what Mummy tells us. Don’t be a YES Wo(Man) all your life. If the Third Wheel doesn’t get the hint as unpopular as it may make you,  sometimes there is a need to tell a person straight. Believe me, your better half will probably thank you for it later 😉 (Thank me later!)

So, yup being a Third (Fifth or Seventh) Wheel is never an ideal (so just go get a life and find yourself plus one! JOKES!) but there probably has been/will be a time in our lives where we all have to play this role for whatever reason. There is an art to being a good Third Wheel, much of which centres around self-awareness, understanding social cues and assessing each situation properly.

Alrighty Rinsers, we’ve all been there so share your Third Wheeling experiences. What are your tips on being a Third Wheel or on how best to deal with an annoying one who doesn’t realise that two’s company? Tell us in the comments section below.

 

 

 

Criticism… Oops, I mean Review of “Five Love Languages”

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I don’t even know where to start. This book managed to irritate me and upset me in ways I’ve never experience before.

“Five love languages” is a love manual by Gary Chapman. The author is a marriage counselor with an experience of 30 years as he says starting his egotistic book. He claims to know his shit and comes up with a theory of humans communicating in five different love languages: words of kindness, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and quality time. The key to a successful marriage according to our marriage saving hero is to speak the same love language as our partner.

For instance, if our partner often complains about not being praised it means his love language is words of appreciation. Right? WRONG. If a partner complains about something it means that he’s not getting the particular thing. There’s no mystical 5 love languages but quite down to earth 5 important elements of a relationship… In other words, to have a healthy relationship you should try to provide it all (plus other things that Dr Chapman doesn’t mention in his book because of his simplistic vision of what relationships are based on). And yes, in this first paragraph I basically stated that his whole theory is bullshit.

Apart from the fault in the assumption which is the core of the author’s theory there’s a lot more to complain about. For starters the author doesn’t discuss the compatibility of partners AT ALL. Marriage is to him something that must be saved and regardless of whether you entered it as an 18 year old not knowing anything about your preferences or as an effect of an arranged marriage. You just should make it work and there’s a lot of judgment from his side if you don’t. Of course, he has a point when he says that people these days want to move on to the next relationship if the current one experiences problems. Nevertheless, it’s not everyone. Some people really try to make things work but they just married someone they should have never married at the first place. Older and more mature they can enter a successful marriage instead of forcing themselves to save something that at best can make them not entirely unhappy at all times. Working on relationships is important but a relationship can’t be saved at all costs, whether it’s a marriage or not.

Another problem that I have with the book is the whole idea of glorifying work on the relationship. I agree that being in love changes into a deeper and less nauseating feeling after a while. Of course, that the period when you obsessively think about your partner ends at some point. Nevertheless, compatibility is a big issue and the better you choose your partner the less work you have to put into a relationship. Dr Chapman seems to entirely disregard that. According to him loving someone is an effort and this is just the way it is. The Christian ideology of the value of suffering is quite obvious here especially that the author openly draws inspiration from the Bible (the only source referenced in the book).

“Oh, Dr Chapman” (as the people he helps refer to him) claims that if you share household chores, say something nice, touch your partner, give them a gift or spend some time with them depending on what their love language is you’ll “fill their love tank” and be happy ever after. It’s all so simple in his world based on love satisfaction focused on domesticity, which is of course a very important but not sole element of a relationship. He doesn’t even consider the question of what if your husband is into anal and you’re not! (jokes)

Last but not least, the author shares a very dangerous idea that you can love someone enough to make them love you back and respect. His advise to an emotionally and psychologically abused wife is to just keep loving her husband and improving his behavior till he reciprocates. Of course in his story this method inspired by the life of Jesus works. This is simply wrong. Victims of abuse often feel that they don’t love someone enough and the abuse is their fault. There’s a lot of people who’d teach them that and yet another one dubbed as a specialist in love and an acclaimed author is not needed and has a harmful impact on people who need help how to get away from the perpetrator.

Relationships aren’t always easy and they do require work. Helping at home, touching, being nice to each other, giving gifts and spending time together are necessary elements of a good relationship but also quite basic ones. If there’s no substance in the relation all these things won’t help. It’s important to teach people how to enter marriages wisely and not how to stay in them just because they’re married.

Lost in Lust

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Love and lust are sometimes difficult to differentiate between, especially at an initial stage of a relationship. The reason for that is the intensity of attraction, which is often just a strong response to our unresolved issues from childhood. Sometimes you feel like your emotions towards a person are so strong that it must be love, when in fact it’s just lust. How to know which one is which? Let #zlotybaby tell you some things she’s learned.

It is funny how some things in life remain an absolute mystery and you keep doing them wrong over and over again till the enlightenment comes to you. This was exactly what happened with me and my understanding of lust. Throughout years of heartbreaks caused by guys that I honestly didn’t even like as people I never realised that I forgot to ask myself a very important question in the early days of “vibing”, namely, “What do I like about him?”. When you’re driven by lust you’ll most probably come up with answers such as “there’s just something about him”, “he’s nice” or worst of all “we have a connection”. If these are your answers to the question, you can be almost sure you’re dealing with lust. Otherwise you’d be able to come up with other traits such as the person being smart or funny or having a similar outlook on life (in other words to do with their personality). You also respect the person you have actual feelings for and you are interested in what they have to say. Lust is based mostly on appearance of the other person and the chemistry between you two. The problem is that you can’t admit it to yourself because you don’t want to let this one go (you “like” him, after all).

The dangers of lust don’t end on being attracted to people who are good looking but don’t have much more to offer us. An even worse situation is when we’re attracted to someone because of our issues. Women who “love” too much often direct their feeling towards emotionally or otherwise unavailable boys. When I used to be scared of intimacy and commitment I was going out on dates with one guy with issues and a “mystery” after another even though or maybe exactly because I knew nothing good could come out of it. There’s hope, however, as there comes a moment when you realize that you don’t want to be trapped in a circle of drama, tears and chemistry but no substance. You realize that not being in emotional pain and constantly at your best with someone doesn’t mean boring, it means healthy. I developed a system of red flags to know when someone should be avoided but I still felt the need to be around them which I had to deny myself. That was the most difficult part of the whole process. Not being at the stage when I was ready for a real thing but knowing that a wrong thing is a wrong thing regardless of how strongly I “just liked them”. At the end of the day, getting involved with someone you don’t truly like spending time with is wasting your time. Many of your butterflies fly away after a few months of dating and all you’re left with is the person you’re not so fond of, a broken heart and a question “What have I seen in him?”

All that will be useful for those who find themselves in dramatic and exhausting relations when they crave something worthwhile. There’s nothing wrong, however, with being “in lust” with someone and having fun as long as we take it for what is it.

Tell me, Dear Rinser, have you ever struggled to see the difference between love and lust? Is there anyone around you who almost seem to go for those who care little about them? Comments section is all yours.

 

The ‘Revenge’ Body – Making The Ex Regret Losing You

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My dear friend #zlotybaby will tell you that my (not so secret) favourite observation is to see someone (a friend, enemy, frenemy, ex boyfriend, etc – actually pretty much anyone) I know get FAT. I know it’s wrong (feel free to hate on me in the comments section) but I think it’s probably something to do with my own issues that stem from having been a super fat kid. But honestly, I doubt I am the only one that thinks this way. The truth is we live in a highly superficial world where wit and charm will only get you so far, never more so than when it comes to dating. It really does help to be attractive especially when it comes to grabbing the attention of the opposite sex. This leads me to today’s the topic – The Revenge Body.

The Revenge Body is the concept of people focusing on losing weight/changing their looks with the objective of getting ‘revenge’ on the person that hurt them. In most cases that people is an ex and the transformation happens after the break up and is intended to grab the attention of said ex, and make him/her realise exactly what the lost. This idea has recently become quite the hot topic thanks to Khloe Kardashian’s new reality series which was inspired by her own transformation after the breakdown of her relationship to Lamar Odom.

From what I can tell the clips you can find on YouTube the transformations people go through as part of the show certainly seem to make them happy/more confident (although that could just be good editing!). However, one does have to question how long-term these changes are? Or if we look back in a couple of years these people would have just gone back to being their old selves fat, brokenhearted and with zero self esteem.

The period following a break up is certainly difficult and I most definitely believe that finding yourself a positive distraction from the pain of the heartbreak is a good thing. It could be learning to play the guitar, taking a trip round the world (well one can always strive to be Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love) or training for a marathon. All of the things listed above are better than negative alternatives that could so easily indulged in after being ceremoniously dumped including but not limited to the following : drinking gin like it’s going out of fashion, sleeping for 20 hours a day with the hope of never waking up or shagging up a storm with anyone/everyone that’ll have you.

However, even worse than these waste-of-time negative activities is doing ANYTHING with the intention of winning someone back or making them think twice about what they lost. The truth if you were in any sort of meaningful relationship that ex probably loved you for more than just your body (you’d hope!). And even if I’m romanticising things here – do you really want to be with someone who only sees your worth when you become a hotter version of your current self?

Speaking from experience, having probably been on a one diet or another since I was about 10 years old, for some of us keeping your weight in check is something that requires lots of hard work and dedication. It’s not something that is going to happen over night and believe me as soon as you start to get comfortable and take your eye of the ball…BOOM all that effort will be lost and  you will be a SUPER FATTY again. For this reason I think anyone hoping to make any kind of transformation needs to have the right mindset and be doing it for the right reasons. And sure sometimes the weight loss/gain post-break up (yup I’ve had it go both ways) happens without you having to make much effort but people investing in expensive gym memberships, personal trainers, nutritionists and even plastic surgeons – well, that is another story altogether.

Shallow motivations such as getting yourself a hot body as a form of ‘revenge’ isn’t a long term plan. What happens after you achieved your end goal? If your plan works – the douche sees you as a Skinny Minnie and is instantly remorseful, gets down on one knee and pops the question? Do you really think it’ll end in happily ever after? And what if all your hard work doesn’t give you the result you wanted? What if he doesn’t even notice? Or even tells you how great you look but then carries on with his new chick? It seems to me like whether or not your ex sees you differently it’s pretty much going to to be a happy NEVER after situation.

To conclude, I am not by any means telling people not to lose weight, get fit and look fabulous. Finding ways to feel good about yourself is often just what we need after having our hearts smashed to smithereens. But whatever you do to make yourself feel better it needs to be done for the right reasons and certainly not to get ‘revenge’ on someone who hurt you. I’ll leave you with some advice given to me by an old (slightly pervy) Irish guy during one of my post-break up periods : ‘Do what makes YOU happy and gives YOU fulfillment in YOUR life. And hopefully then you’ll attract the right person’.

Alrighty Rinsers. Your thoughts on the concept of The Revenge Body? Is it promoting a healthy lifestyle or a step back for body positivity?  Have you ever actively tried to improve yourself after a break up? And how much did your decision to do so have 

 

Review: Perfect Strangers (Perfetti sconosciuti)

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Last weekend was a bad movie weekend. First “Don’t breathe” which is a cheap thrill scary movie and then as a part of my “refresh and perfect Italian” Perfect Strangers. The latter film is rather weak and I wouldn’t recommend you, Dear Rinser, watching it. However, similarly like in a recent review by #englishrosiee of Maggie’s Plan here I’ll focus on some issues addressed in the movie that are worth considering.

“Perfect Strangers” is a story of a bunch of Italian friends meeting up for supper. One couple just started trying for a baby. Another one deals with their teenage daughter growing pains. Third one seems to  be estranged but still keeping up appearances. The last guest is a man who arrives yet again without his mysterious partner whom no one has met. One of the first conversation topics is a friend in common who left his wife for a younger woman and is judged harshly by the present. The host is convinced that everyone has dirty secrets and she suggests they play a game in which they put their phones on the table and read whatever messages come through aloud. If someone calls them they’re also supposed to answer at the table without disclosing that they’re taking part in the game. Let’s just say that each and every guest turns out to have something to hide, not to spoil it too much for you if you against your better judgment decide to watch the movie.

The issues brought up by the movie are definitely interesting. I think that our partner should know a lot about us and there’s no point in a dishonest relationship. Infidelity, sexting with strangers and other similar things are just not something I approve of.  I think that it’s disrespectful towards a partner and a relationship and that we should leave one thing first before we start another. The participants of the game are Italians and unfortunately after all I’ve seen living in Italy I think the movie is only a slight exaggeration. I have no stats regarding infidelity in the country and it’s possible that as many people cheat there as in other countries, however cheating is definitely treated in a much lighter way there (particularly in the South). Still, no one tells their partner openly about such things so if such a secret was supposed to surface, it would definitely cause turmoil as it does in the movie.

On the other hand, honesty with one’s partner is one thing and with our friends another. Being a “perfect stranger” with our partner means we’re just not in a good relationship. What does it mean about a friendship, though? How much should we disclose to our friends? Should we or do we have to confide in them if we’re having an affair? A plastic surgery? Do secrets change a friendship and what secrets actually do matter? These are the questions that we have to answer ourselves. Swapping a phone with a partner shouldn’t be a problem but I think most of us would agree that it’s not necessary to do it with a friend too. If it’s so we must ask ourselves about the reason why and what we hide from those we surround ourselves with. I’m not sure whether the times have changed or is secretiveness a human trait but it seems that human relations outside of the main one with a partner operate on a lower or higher level of deceit.

Any thoughts, Dear Rinsers?

Types of Single and Coupled Women

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I’m not in the right mood today to encourage anyone to change anything or to give good advice. I feel like my source has been depleted and I feel rather helpless surrounded by the cruel world that’s, well, cruel, but also filled with all sorts of -ism’s (sexism, racism, nationalism) etc. That’s why I decided to write something that’s a bit funny (and a bit judgy too but mostly humorous) on sorts of women we encounter on the dating and relationship scene.

SINGLE

Forever alone because they gave up on LOVE

This sort of a person feels (and tells everyone) that they’re just single and they’re HAPPY about it. From time to time they indulge in some brief romance that shows that clearly they’re not that content but they still refuse to work on themselves or look for someone who could make their heart happy.

Serial flinger

Serial flingers indulge in a series of short-lived relationships filled with intensity and drama. They move houses or countries in a blink of an eye to be with a partner or to get away from one. Could operate as a constant traveler.

Trapped on a lonely island

A desolate island is a difficult place for finding your other half. However, representatives of this type are always helpful and never stop looking for this ship on the horizon.

Single who mingles

Being single is for a single who mingles just a temporary state of affairs. Life is better with someone who’s worth their time but if there’s no such person around, this sort of a woman enjoys her time of being unattached. Sometimes if no one really interesting appears in their life they get a bit sad but after a few days of eating ice-cream they jump back to the dating scene knowing that eventually they’ll find what they’re looking for (reference to U2 intentional).

Desperado

Often good looking and smart, unfortunately with a self-esteem at the level of their ankles, desperados will do literally anything to get and keep someone’s attention. Without years of self-work (and possibly expensive therapy) this person will not get involved in anything worth their time.

IN A RELATIONSHIP

The girl who has never dyed her hair (and/or experimented with anything else ever)

She not only never dyed her hair but tried out two hairstyles in her life – loose hair and a ponytail.   Doesn’t drink, smoke or do anything to excess apart from maybe eating. Has had one partner all her life or two but knows everything about any situation you could possibly encounter. Usually judgy and comments on looks and behaviors of others which in the slightest way deviates from what she considers to be “the norm”. Considers tampons to be evil.

The martyr

She’s almost always in a relationship but is never happy. Doesn’t prevent her from judging single people for being “not good enough”. Her partner is often very traditional in his ways and she complains incessantly about all the things she has to do at the house. Don’t try to offer solutions, you’re missing the whole point.

I’ve been there, I know

She’s had a rough time early in life dating. Possible has had daddy or mommy issues. After years of self-work and millions of unhealthy relationships, she finds the right person. Now she really feels like she knows it all and possibly even sets up a blog about dating with a friend to share her experience with others and preach.

Just happy

Happy in a relationship and radiating with good energy. Listens to people in trouble but only gives advice when asked for it. Lives according to what she preaches and sets the right example for others. A mythical creature similar to a unicorn.

Do you know any of these types, Dear Rinser? Would you like to contribute with your own? Whatever your reaction is, don’t take this post too seriously.

Burning Bridges – Is It Possible To Remain Friends With An Ex ?

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Regardless of whether it was a long-term thing, the one that got away or just a fleeting experience which despite some signs of great potential failed to get off the ground, break-ups are never easy. It’s easy for outsiders to preach and tell you that it is simply a case of deleting that person’s number, unfollowing them on social media and burning all the photos ever taken of the two of you. But in reality cutting all ties with an ex is far more complex. What happens if you’ve been together long enough to share friends? Just because he was a philandering scumbag should you cease contact with his family members who treated you so well? Or maybe the break-up itself wasn’t all the dramatic – you still think she is a lovely girl, just not YOUR lovely girl. This brings me to the topic of this weeks post. Does there come a point after a break-up when you need to sever all ties with the ex and completely start life over? Or is it possible for some ex couples to remain friends?

In the immediate aftermath of an epic break-up, I think it’s quite natural to maintain some sort of connection with your ex (although letting it slip into a boomerang relationship should be avoided). If it was a serious thing it is likely that your day-to-day affairs are somewhat intertwined. Despite that fact that these seem simple in theory, practical things – like moving house, settling outstanding bills or simply dividing up things the two of you purchased together or returning all those books you nicked from his collection – all take time. Obviously, as civilised human beings we will try to deal with these matters as quickly and painlessly as possible – after all once upon a time we did love this person. Beyond the bureaucracy, I think it’s fair to say that many of us are guilty of holding onto an emotional connection to an ex. Having spent a significant amount it is likely that your ex knows you pretty well and it’s easy to look for comfort in the familiar when you’ve simply had a bad day and need cheering up.

Naturally, if the relationship (and you weren’t just a dirty little secret) was at all healthy the two of you would be likely to have some common connections and similar social circles. This is where things get complicated.  With friends do you divide them up fairly? Is it OK to be immature and force people to choose between the two of you (in some cases this will happen organically anyway)? Or do you try to be mature adults and accept that there will be occasions when your paths are bound to cross? Perhaps at a mutual friend’s birthday party or a wedding? Of course in an ideal world, we’d all be emotionally strong enough to handle such things but the reality is different. I mean, how many of us can honestly say we could maintain our composure after being told by mutual friends that the ex has moved on? Hmm.

When it comes to family, you’d expect things to be more clear cut. His family is HIS and her’s is HER’s. Well in cases where you didn’t get on with you ex’s family and he spent the whole time trying to turn you into a younger version of his mother the solution is straightforward – it’s easy to cut the ties. But what about if you actually got on your ex’s tribe and actually formed solid relationships with them over time? And consider how you’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your mother was drinking tea with the ex or your brother and him went out sarging for chicks together?  I guess when it comes to both family and friends you have to deal with things on a case by case basis. You have to decide which relationships are worth maintaining and which ones are nice but not necessarily good for you in the long run. And sometimes you will have to burn bridges, cut all ties and simply whats best for yourself and accept that other people may feel somewhat hurt or judge you for being immature.

So to conclude, I would say having any sort of relationship with an ex, be it platonic or not so much, will likely make it more difficult for you to get on with your life. In more fickle cases where things between the two of you never really got started, it’s totally possible to be friends somewhere down the line but things are a little messier when real feelings for one another are involved. Honestly speaking, I’d say that any good romantic relationship should be based on a solid friendship and obviously over time our significant others get to know us in ways that other people in lives don’t (get your mind out of the gutter!!). Therefore I guess it would only be human to want to prolong the friendship even after romantic relations have long ended. However, whether it’s possible, or more importantly healthy, depends on the individuals involved, their emotional capacity and the nature of the situation. Of course, there are cases where people make things work but for most us staying friends with an ex is a recipe for disaster. So while keeping things civilised is always good remember that if you do choose to burn bridges for the sake of your own sanity it isn’t a crime so don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. Because sometimes you just have to say screw everyone else and just do what’s best for No.1.

What do you think Rinsers? Can you maintain a healthy friendship with an ex? Are you proof that it is possible? Or do you think it’s best to sever all ties with the past and start afresh if one truly wants to move on with their lives? Answers in the comment section below. 

Honesty and Looking for Trouble

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In fairy tales the princes always marry the most beautiful and the most kind girls in all the kingdom. Given that they have no competition no wonder that princes and princesses can forever after indulge in their idealistic love.  Nevertheless, real life isn’t like this and the first person we meet is rarely the right one. On the top of it, even if we find our “other half” there’s always someone prettier or smarter or both. The point of a good relationship isn’t about being the best there is but being the best match for the person. This leads me to the topic of the today’s post which is honesty and related looking for trouble in relationships.

First of all, I really believe that honesty is one of the most important qualities in a relationship. If a partner truly expresses the way he or she feels about you, it makes life a lot easier. Unfortunately, we encounter a lot of people who say things they don’t really mean. I’m not sure whether it’s the case of us putting out personas way too often in our social lives (we totally should meet up = fuck this chick is boring, let me suggest a future encounter so that she leaves me alone) 0r what but people often SAY things. Many guys would save women a lot of time by letting them know they think about them as temporary entertainments. Instead of that they know that the best way to get into someone’s pants is by telling them about their heart singing the songs of angels when they see them. At the same time they behave in a way that makes you know, you’re not the only one.

Honesty is so important because it’s strongly associated with trust. Because of that, I’d say it’s better not to express some feelings before you feel them even if you’re risking hurting a person. One of my girlfriends confessed to me that the first few times her ex-boyfriend said “I love you” she just replied “Mhm”. Eventually, she did fall in love with him and they ended having up a happy relationship before they decided to go their separate ways. I don’t think “fake it till you make it” attitude is a good idea in relationships. You may never “make it” and then what will you say to a person when breaking up? Oh and btw I know I said I love you but I didn’t really? Stay true to yourself and express how you actually feel. If a partner decides not to stay around because you aren’t reciprocating his feelings for too long or you’re not fully into it that’s his right (applicable the other way round too).

This brings me to my last point which is honesty that means asking for trouble. We all have our bad moments in relationships and sometimes we’re angry and we feel like saying something awful to our partner. The problem is that a temporary outburst of anger can have detrimental impact on the relationship and we shouldn’t just shout out everything that’s on our mind in the heat of the moment if it’s not how we usually feel (it’s different of course if we were hiding our true generał feelings and they come up during a fight). Another case is reassurance seeking when one partner tries to illicit “honest” feedback about someone else or themselves. A typical example is women asking their partners “Is she prettier than me?” (if you’re asking she probably is) and whether you look fat in something or you picked up on weight (yet again if you’re asking you probably do/did). Both scenarios put a partner in an undesirable situation. They can either be honest and hurt you or lie and still act against your interest as hearing what you want to hear doesn’t necessarily serve you. Last  but not least, DO NOT overshare. Your partner doesn’t need to know how you feel in every single moment of your life and particularly if you have some weird passing thoughts there’s no reason to share them. A good example is a guy I know who told his partner that he found her sister “desirable”. Too much information is exactly that.

To sum up, honesty is important but use it wisely. Don’t make it a weapon during a fight to express temporary feelings when angry and remember that it too has its limits.

What do you think, Dear Rinsers? How important is honesty in relationships? Is lying ever a good thing?

Unlucky in Love or Just Lazy AF?

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Dating is a complex game. One I haven’t figured out a strategy for success in. I guess each of us just needs to stumble through it a bit and figure out what works for us. Even after almost 2 years in the game I still can’t tell anyone what they need to do find their perfect match. Some meet their future hubby on a drunken night out on Long Street, others while working up a sweat at the gym and then, nowadays more than ever before, there are those that meet online. But as far as I am concerned, the common denominator in all of the above mentioned scenarios is that the people involved put in the effort. Whether that effort meant getting dressed up and looking your best for a night out or spending an hour each day swiping…it’s still effort! There are, however, some people that believe finding love (whether of the temporary and forever variety) is down to luck. This brings to the topic of today’s post – is one’s success (or lack thereof) in dating and relationships written in the stars or does is require a bit of hard work on our parts as well?

As with all of the good things in life, love (or whatever it is you are looking for in terms of a relationship) doesn’t come easy. Rewind back to your school days – remember those kids that were just good at things and always got the best grades with a minimal effort? Well those kids kinda exist in the grown up world of dating as well. There are just some people out there that seem to be better at attracting the right people. Maybe it’s their good looks or natural charm – who knows?  Or just that they happened to be walking down that dark alley at the precise moment that a dashing young Prince was as well? Sure, there is always a small element of ‘luck’ involved. But remember, human relationships are complex. Just because someone  is fortunate in terms of coming into contact with Mr Right, that doesn’t mean that they necessarily have what it takes to keep him interested. That part be the bit that requires a little more effort.

I believe that no matter how pretty, clever or well-rounded a person is, finding and maintaining a healthy relationship requires effort somewhere down the line. There are those for whom the hard work begins from the get go when it comes to finding potential suitors and there are other cases where you find yourself in the arms of a somewhat perfect man but also wondering what is needed to take it from just that to something with a semblance of a relationship.

For some, like yours truly, it might require having to question one’s faith in humanity after +/- 50 dates with the ‘men’ on Tinder. The effort could perhaps involve something as superficial as a fashion makeover or going on a diet to shed a few pounds and get that much-needed confidence boost. It may involve getting over yourself and coming to terms with that fact that none of us is above internet dating and finally joining Tinder. But to be honest, this is only the beginning of the hard work.

Once you’ve found someone who is worthy of your time and also considers you to be worthy ot theirs (yup, sadly it needs to work both ways) then you enter the minefield of relationship problems. From minor disagreements about mudane day-to-day matters to more serious relationship hurdles such as dealing with friends/family that aren’t bug fans of your significant other or one party dealing with some sort of financial difficulty or medical condition. Basically whenever you think you’ve done all the hard craft this cruel world has a way of throwing you the next challenge.

The key here, as in all other aspects of life, is perseverance. Just keep swimming (or swiping). However many rejections you have to deal with and no matter how many douchebags you need to date don’t lose sight of the end goal. Of course, it’s OK to take a break from the mission, gather your thoughts and maybe work on yourself a bit and then get yourself back on track. Like the losers at high school, who always felt hard done by in life I promise you that those lazy AF chicks who sit on the couch every night, eating ice cream in their PJs and wondering why they are so ‘unlucky’ in love and resigning themselves to a life of SAD SAD Spinsterhood …well I don’t think they’ll even get close to kissing the frogs (let’s throw them a dildo and be done with it!). BUT those of us who just keep Tindering on, no matter how many weirdos the world throws at us, well I really do have faith that those that put in the required effort will get what they want … and even if they won’t they’ll have a few good stories to tell at a dinner party!

Your turn now darling Rinsers. How much is finding love in this world down to luck? And how much is down to putting in the effort and never giving up on the end goal? Which element has been more important in your story? Answers in the comment section below.