Creating a Monster – The Dangers of Trying to Change Your Partner

monster-love

We’ve all heard of those stories where girl meets boy, invests her time/skills/money and childbearing years into this boy helping him to become a better version of himself only to have the new and improved model snatched away by another woman. Ladies, especially, tend to have this Mother Hen instinct which drives us towards problem men. It is as if we  ignore the persons flaws and pride ourselves of seeing potential in them that nobody else does (this may suggest that we are somewhat delusional perhaps). So, in today’s post I’ll be asking whether taking on these pet projects is necessarily a good thing or whether our inability to accept someone warts and all is something which will eventually come back to slap us in the face? Could our desire to remove a persons flaws just lead to the creation of a monster who’ll most likely end up breaking our fragile little heart?

Nobody is perfect. Sure, when we first fall a person and are just that little bit smitten our vision tends to be somewhat clouded and one can be prone to missing certain glaring red flags or minimising their importance. However, as time goes on and we spend more time getting to know certain little (or bigger) things may start to annoy us. The problem is at this stage we are likely to be a bit too invested into this little affair to simply walk away. In some cases, we tell ourselves that the issue isn’t something that can’t be sorted our with a little bit of effort on our part.

Naturally, the things that annoy us about a person can differ. Maybe your man is perfect in every way except his awful hipster beard he is trying to grow to make him look like a BIG MAN. In such a case, instigating change is easy. Simply, tell him that his questionable facial hair situation is aggravating your skin every time you kiss him and BOOM he’ll be clean shaven in no time. Or maybe its just that you are a bit of a fashionista but despite having the potential to be quite the stud your beau insists on wearing in board shorts on every occasion? Embrace your inner personal shopper, take him to the Waterfront, give him a few compliments and soon you’ll have yourself a Ralph Lauren model 😉  And it’s not just the guys that may need a transformation. What happens when the sport obsessed guy who runs a marathon every weekend falls for the good value chubby chick? Well it starts with her waddling her way through a 5k Park Run and next thing you know  the pounds are just dropping off and she is running marathons!

But if only life were that simple. Instigating change may be straightforward but you won’t necessarily get the end result you bargained for. That makeover you gave that dowdy guy might just have been what he needed to get the attention of ALL the other ladies. Next thing you know he is dumping your sorry ass and upgrading to a better model. The chubby chick you trained for the marathon – well maybe her newfound skills will see her leaving you in the dust.

The moral of the story here kids… We have to accept that nobody is perfect and we really need be willing to accept them as they are. Everyone has their imperfections and to the right person those flaws will be endearing. Of course, there is a fine line and a good partner should also challenge you and push you to be the best version of yourself but only by encouraging you to make the changes that you want rather than those that are beneficial to them. Remember that changing person might not always work in your favour so go in with the best intentions, support them in their endeavors but just be aware that change can also be a negative thing.

Now it’s your Rinsers. Have you ever tried to change a partner? Or has a lover tried to change things about you? How did it work out? Were the intended outcomes achieved? Or does trying to change your partner have the potential to destroy the relationship? Tell us your thoughts in the comments section below. 

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22 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · December 15

    Question Why would you try to change someone else when it is so hard to change …ourselves?

    Liked by 4 people

    • EnglishRosiee · December 15

      Good question. I agree that we shouldn’t try to change people. But I think we often find someone who is ‘almost perfect’ for us and there is that one annoying little thing that needs to be ironed out…so instead of just ditching them, we try to ‘gently’ change them. Sometimes it could be a case of opening their eyes to new opportunities…and that can be a good/bad thing BUT like I said it can also backfire.

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      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        How can someone imperfect try to make someone else perfect? Does that make sense?

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · December 15

        Yup I get what you are saying. But I think what often happens is that you kid yourself that you are trying to ‘help’ that person but maybe all that is happening is you are trying to create someone who is perfect for you. That is why I said you should only support your partner with changes they want to make to themselves rather than pushing your own agenda.

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      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        If you are trying to create someone who is perfect for you the question that needs to be asked is why are you trying for someone perfect for you when you are imperfect ?

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · December 15

        We are getting a philosophical now . LOL Sure, we are all imperfect but I still think there are partners who are perfect for you despite your/their imperfections and these are things people, especially woman try to fix.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        You get my questions though? something imperfect can’t expect perfection. Men are guilty of trying to fix their partners too …lose weight change hair etc … but in a way isn’t the point of your post supposed to be philosophical?

        Liked by 1 person

    • EttaD · December 15

      I agree, why try to change someone when it’s hard to change yourself. Trying to change that person means that you have settled. You’ve accepted someone you really don’t want in hopes of changing him/her to the person you do want. The only thing I tried changing in my partner was his eating habits since he’s been diagnosed with type to Diabetes his old way of eating had to go! I’ve allowed him to keep this vices of smoking, though he’s cut back considerably, he can’t smoke in the house, the car or before going to bed. I know it may sound like I’m trying to change him. But going into the marriage though we accepted each other’s flaws, we set our ground rules of what’s tolerable and what’s not. But trying to change each other into someone else? NO!! I love him with or without the beard, long hair, short hair. He loves my love handles, encourages me in personal advancement and tolerates my correcting his Franglish. We’re not perfect, but we’re perfect for each other.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        Diabetes yes you have to stay on him to change his eating habits. Is he type one or type 2 ? That I can see working with someone on that ‘s a health issue. But trying to change someone into someone else is foolish. Glad you two are mature enough to reach that happy medium of knowing what works for you!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      • EttaD · December 15

        Type 2 inherited from Mum, sorry thought I had made the distinction. I am use to cooking healthy meals, but he has a sweet tooth and like myself is a chocoholic.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        It’s ok to a chocoholic if he is having sugar free chocolate:)

        Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · December 15

        LOL! LOL! I’m laughing at that one because to a Belgian, there’s not such thing as sugar free anything!! I’ve convinced him to switch to dark chocolate, also has him on a low carb, low fat diet. I’m going back to my West Indians roots of cooking with more Olive and Coconut oils as well as making more soups and baking my own breads 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        Coconut oil lowers blood sugar?

        Like

      • EttaD · December 15

        Yes it helps to control it, as well as cholesterol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        Good to know

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 15

        By the way thanks for commenting

        Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · December 15

        You’re welcome!

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · December 15

        Yeah…it’s exactly what I was getting to at the end. We should support partners to change things about themselves that they want to change – e.g. maybe they want to change their job, eating habits, get fit. You also made about encouraging them to make changes that are for their own good like the cutting down smoking. I think when people start pushing their own agenda that things can potentially get messy!

        Liked by 1 person

      • EttaD · December 15

        Exactly! I’ve had friends and family, mostly females who have entered into relationships with the intent on turning the guy they were with into the guy they wanted. Believe me when I say, it didn’t work and always ended badly! The guy either cheated on them or dumped them all together. A person can only pretend for so long and as an adult pretending is quite painful.

        I’ve been called a witch with a capital ‘B’ for my brutally honest stance on life, especially relationships. If I’m not feeling it, I’m going to down right say so and also stating my opinion on why it won’t work.

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  2. geminilvr · December 15

    if you choose someone, accept them, flaws and all. in the past i’ve tried to conform to what my partner wants – no more – either take me as is or move on. of course encouraging your partner to stay physically healthy, whether through eating or getting rid of bad habits such as smoking is okay in my book, just don’t push your agenda on someone

    Liked by 3 people

  3. bexoxo · December 15

    Instead of putting your time and energy into changing someone else, I think it’s best for one to try and change themselves to adapt to whatever habits the other is showing, and if you can’t adapt, then it’s time to rethink the relationship. Plus, I think it’s unfair, in a way, to try and ‘secretly’ change someone. For example, my ex didn’t like that I’m an introvert. I had always been an introvert since the beginning of our relationship, and he was too, but later down the line (when he started university), he wanted to go out with friends and go to parties. I was fine with him going by himself while I stayed at home, but he was constantly telling me that I was a party-pooper and no fun. I ended up going out with him on a few occasions just to make him happy, and on some of those occasions, I did in fact enjoy myself, but I still felt very much out of my element. Then I stopped going out with him and he pointed out that I had done it before and had fun, so why couldn’t I do it again? Just because I obliged a few times and went out partying with him didn’t mean that I was miraculously changed from an introvert to an extrovert. (I hope I’ve explained myself clearly.)

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  4. thelifeofasocialintrovert · December 17

    Intriguing read. I think that a person should not try to change their partner to fit the mold that fits for themselves. We all have imperfections. So it’s up to you (in the general sense of “you”), to figure out if their imperfections are a big deal to you or not. If it is a bother to you, do what you go to do and leave the relationship. If it’s not a deal breaker, then stay. Now if a partner wants to change themselves because they believe it can help improve them, then that is terrific! Support your partner.

    Side note, there is a difference between forcing your partner to change against their will, and encouraging them in a healthy manner for the sake of their health, mentally or physically. I think it’s important to keep a straight line between the two, because if you start veering off to the former (forcing change), resentment and other negative feelings start to build up from both parties. Which can be detrimental to any kind of relationship.

    Thank you for asking for my opinion through a comment you left on my blog. I thoroughly enjoyed the read! 🙂

    Like

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