Ditch or Date ? When To Say No To The Second Date

yesnomaybe1

By now you’ve probably gathered that I’ve been on a fair few first dates (+/- 50 would be a good guess). I’m pretty lazy when it comes to those initial Whatsapp/Tinder/OKC chit chats. Somehow I find it ‘s less effort to pop around the corner to my local watering hole (yes, I do have a pub behind my house which tends to become the venue of choice for most of my first dates) for a quick bev with these geezers instead of investing hours of my precious time texting back and forth and building up a fictitious image of some hot stud in my weak mind. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism but I’ve gone into most first dates with little or no expectations (other than maybe to try an enjoy a glass of wine without killing myself). By setting the bar so low I’ve found that there is hardly anything these fools can do to disappointment me. Despite my generally bleak however outlook when it comes to dating there are these rare occasions where someone actually provides you with a surprisingly good evening. So this brings me to the million dollar?  Under what circumstances should we let things proceed to the second date stage?

First things first. Let’s be honest love at first sight is incredibly rare, if not a fake concept all together. Most people need to have some sort of conversation before they establish whether a Tinder date has the potential to be their soulmate. I’ve been told by #zlotybaby that I should have a list of deal breakers and if the date falls short on any of these then I should run away before the option of a second date even crosses the guys mind. Easier said than done though. Trying to establish the extent of a person’s baggage, whether they are a closet member of Team God or if they are harboring a secret family in some rural backwater  isn’t all that easy even for an award-winning journalist.

The All or Nothing Way of the Hopeless Romantic

Honestly, I think there are two ways to go about it. The hopeless romantic, which is probably what I am deep down, looks for some sort of magical connection. Yes, I do believe that while love at first sight is a bit stupid electric chemistry does exist. So as long as there are some sparkles, butterflies and if you are lucky a foot popping kiss at the end of the night then I’d  give him te green light for the second date. Sure, this isn’t a fool proof formula for happily ever after as further down the line  you may learn that the guy might provide some degree of excitement but he also has a wife at home or some commitment issue.etc, etc.

vs. The Slow Burn/Half-Hearted Approach

As risky as this all or nothing method based on following your heart (or hormones) without even bringing the grey matter into the equation is, I still think it’s 1000 percent than the alternative. I’ve spoken at length elsewhere about the risks of giving someone a second chance even when the first date isn’t a fairy tale.Of course, it’s difficult to truly assess someone’s true potential solely on a first impression so fair enough you decide that he ticks most of the boxes so you give him a second chance. From my experience though  going on a second date with hopeful idea that the chemistry may miraculously appear leads to problems of its own – a spiral of half-hearted dates till you finally find something that irritates you enough (such as a racist mum) to dump his ass.

So, I am no closer to giving you a definitive answer on when to know whether to date or ditch someone. Either way things have the potential to go horribly wrong. Saying that however, I’d always opt to go on second (and third, fourth and fifty millionth) dates with the ones that give you butterflies because even though these ones have the higher chance of resulting in a horrific heartbreak they also leave you with the best stories. From my experience, when you have to think twice about whether you want to see someone again it is probably a not a great sign for happily ever after but more likely to set the tone for an encounter that is pretty much mediocre.

Alright Rinsers. What are your thoughts on knowing whether or not to go on a second date with a potential suitor? Are you a hopeless romantic who won’t settle for anything less than extraordinary or a realist who knows that life isn’t a Hollywood movie so give thought to the chance of a slow burn encounter? From your experience which approach works best? Or if we are destined for disaster does it not really matter at all? Answers and stories in the comments below. 

 

 

Advertisements

13 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · December 1

    Hmmmm Ok first there has to be some kind of chemistry on the first date before there can be a second. Not hollywood chemistry but something that says you actually like the guy, and that he interest you enough. I don’t did you give it enough time for things to develop to see where anything can go. Granted there are dates that are a distaster and yes I would run from those too, but more often than not chemistry takes time and takes skill.

    Liked by 1 person

    • geminilvr · December 1

      completely agree on the chemistry part – I think it is more of feeling you have not knock your socks off connection from the moment you meet. I’ve had that happen once or twice and it’s nice but not realistic.

      Liked by 2 people

      • bklynboy59 · December 2

        chemistry is important if you don’t connect then it doesn’t matter what you two have in common or don’t have in common.

        Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · December 2

      I like that you added the thing about skill at the end. I do think the people who have more experience with human relationships tend to be better at reading people. I guess this skill increases a persons chances of being considered for a second date.

      But when it comes to chemistry its either there or it isn’t for me. Sure, it can become more intense over time but I don’t think it can miraculously appear if there isn’t even a sparkle of it in the first place.

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · December 2

        the Skill that I refer to is the skill of testing whether there is real chemistry there or not , for example it’s not about what things you both like or if you like the same exact things but how you work out the differences that are not deal breakers

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · December 2

        I would really like your thoughts on this one !!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. geminilvr · December 1

    I’m not sure I believe in the word chemistry – it puts so much pressure on expectations, especially for just one date. There has to be a connection – if my thoughts start to wander as we are talking or if I am thinking of how much longer do I need to stay here then I know there probably won’t be a second date. But then again as someone who rarely casually dates maybe I’m not the best person to ask lol.

    Like

    • EnglishRosiee · December 2

      Yep. If someone fails to hold your attention for even one date its a bad sigh and you should defo ditch him. Especially, once you’ve had dates where you don’t want it to end and you both prolong it for as long as possibly (well, maybe without taking him home on the first night but you know whatever floats your boat) then you know those dates where you start planning your escape route aren’t the people that are worth pursuing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. EttaD · December 1

    There definitely has to be chemistry on both sides before deciding on a second date and by the end of the first, you’ll know whether you want to see this person or not. For me being a hopeless romantic means knowing that life is NOT a Hollywood movie. Dating like relationships isn’t always black and white. Life’s unpredictable so are relationships. You just have to wing it. If it feels right then you do a second date, if it doesn’t then you don’t. I had a date who swore we have chemistry but got upset when I refused him a second date, apparently I missed the chemistry that he thought was there. Hence my saying there has to be chemistry on from both sides.

    Like

    • EnglishRosiee · December 2

      I think you’ve got a good perspective on it!

      I’ve always wondered if chemistry is chemistry if it is one sided? Or if one person is just kidding themselves?

      Like

      • EttaD · December 2

        Chemistry can be one sided and it can be shared. When it’s not shared I think that’s when you get stalkers 😉 lol

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Sihle · December 6

    I’m 2-sided on this one. On 1 hand, I am a hopeless romantic and tend to want to see sparks flying and chemistry doing its best on the first date. But even if I don’t get that chemistry, I still agree on a second date if asked. Reason is I sometimes think that even though I might not have felt the sparks at that specific time, my possible suitor has and would most likely work harder to make me feel them too. I have impressed him, and the second date is a chance for him to impress me. A chance for me to sit back and just look pretty. Who knows, it might just turn out alright after all.

    Or maybe I just love free dinner and cocktails….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. zlotybaby · December 8

    I still think one should have a list of deal breakers and that it is crucial. I also think that if we’re honest with ourselves we see dealbrakers or signs thereof by or on the first date. For instance one of my ex’s mentioned his mom around five times on our first date. Of course the red light in my head went on and an inner voice was shouting “Run for the hills, mommy issues” but I silenced it as I really LIKED him (= I was attracted to him) and I just went with it. I also explained to myself that I didn’t KNOW for a fact it was a red flad… Didn’t I? I agree that not all experience is bad and sometimes it’s good to get into something even though we know it’s not going to end up at the altar. It all depends what we want. On the other hand, research shows that the older we get, the bigger the chances of eventually marrying the next someone so the more carefully we choose him, the better. If we’re not careful we may end up with a, for instance, mommy’s boy till death due us apart.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s