First Impressions and Second Chances

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The older (and ‘wiser’) we get the harder it becomes to find that ‘sparkle’ factor with the people we date. Life experience tends to harden us and as we hopefully become better at adulting we are less likely to get caught up in the moment. I can tell you from experience that the same girl who threw caution to the wind and moved to deepest darkest Africa for love as a 20 something, in her 30s will think twice about embarking upon another ‘long-distance’ relationship with a guy from the Northern suburbs.

While (much to my detriment) I still crave the magic you get when you instant chemistry, these days I find myself becoming more realistic, justifying those lesser interactions as having ‘slow burn’ potential and giving out second chances like they are going out of fashion. So in today I’ll be asking whether or not we should give people second chances when they didn’t make much of a good first impression on us?

Sure, there are plenty of reasons why we should give out second chances. Here are just a few of the justifications I’ve used in the recent past.

 

Nerves

We’ve all been there. That job you are so desperate for that suddenly the pressure gets too much and you turn into a bumbling buffoon during the interview. Well, the same applies to the dating game. There is something quite endearing about the fact that someone was trying so hard to impress you that they ended up letting their nerves get the better of them.

 

Ticking Boxes

The world is full of racists, rinsers and philanderers, so actually sitting across from a decent human being, who is gainfully employed and choosing to spend time with you instead of at home cuddling mummy, is quite an achievement in itself. Sometimes, even when chemistry and/or physical attraction is lacking you tell yourself there is more to life and maybe you should explore this opportunity because he ticks most of the boxes.

 

Unfortunate Timing

Even Prince Charming can’t control global political disasters (or your own small town dramas). It’s not really fair to hate on a guy who pulled out all the stops on your first date just because you’re in a bad mood because a) it’s the day of the Brexit result (and you just realised you had a lucky escape from a nation of racist fuckwits) and b) it turns out your ex is pretty intuitive and chose this of all days to pitch up at your workplace with a cup of ‘poison’ coffee. So maybe it’s a genuine case of bad timing and you give him a second chance hoping that your mood would have improved next time around.

 

Best out of a Bad Bunch

Sometime has gone by and although you didn’t leave the first date with butterflies you’ve since dated a bunch of other horrible Tinder boys and realised that in comparison he was really not all that bad. So armed with a little more ‘perspective’, you decide what the hell, a second date with him must be better than resigning yourself to sad spinster, right? And who knows you may even end marrying your second chance man?

 I could sit here forever and day thinking up a million reasons why one could give people second chances to make a better first impression but experience has taught me this only really serves one purpose – to confirm that your gut instinct was right all along. If there was no spark there the first time around the chances that it’ll have magically appeared a week (a month or a year) later are very slim. I’m not going to tell you to NEVER give someone a second chance. But what I will say is that if the end of the second date you find yourself still questioning whether it’s still a good thing or trying to justify him having a presence in your future, it’s probably best just to let it slide because second chances have a habit of becoming third chances and fourth and so the story goes… Whatever your views are on the ticking biological clock, I think we can all agree that time is precious and shouldn’t be wasted on the mediocre experiences. As they say you never get a second chance to make a first impression – so instead of giving out second chances maybe your time would be better spent swiping away till you actually find leaves you wanting more from the get go.

Over to you Rinsers. Do you think we should give second chances to people who haven’t made the best first impression? What justifications have you used to give someone a second chance? Has a second chance ever led to happily ever after for you? Share your experiences in the comments section below.

 

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21 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · August 18, 2016

    You only get one chance to make a good first impression, once that is gone you can’t re create that chance again,there will always be a lingering question of which person is it I am with , the first one or the second one which one is the real one? Under unusual circumstances I could see giving someone a second chance, but that should be rare, not something you should hand out …there is a reason that there is no spark. I had a date once that was awful. She came with a bad attitude. We met at an eatery ordered food and after the food was served she decided this wasn’t going to work out and we ended the date , ok fine then she decided before she left to ask me for a hug? Why ? which I thought was weird .Long story short about 2 weeks later she called me out of the blue asking to see me again. Which I was now hesitate about since she was quick to end the date the first time. I was about to give her a chance when she texted me to me to take her out for her birthday. At that point she ruined the second chance and I told her she was jumping ahead insisting that I take out for her birthday. When she re read her texr she realized how presumptuous she was and apologized but we didn’t go out again.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · August 18, 2016

      LOL ! Sounds like she was a not so subtle rinser 😛

      Best be rid of that kinda chick !

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · August 18, 2016

        definitely! Never looked back .

        Like

  2. EttaD · August 18, 2016

    If someone disappoints you the first time, why give them a second chance? That person remains the same no matter what, wouldn’t giving them a second chance only means a second round of disappointments? I’m like you, a lot of things I did in my 20s-30s I won’t do in my 40s. Looking back I now see how much time I lost in others instead of putting it into myself. From the first crush in High School to my first husband. Love is a drug like any other, we constantly search for that initial high and crave that magic we felt in the initial meeting. Every drug(person) is different so the high is different. However, disappointments all feel the same!
    I crave my heart racing, sweaty palms, aroused senses of the hunt. But mature enough to now know that it’s short lived, because when the hunt is over you’re often left deflated. I’m now in a new relationship, early on he thought it harsh when I told him if we ever disappoint each other, it’s over because life’s too short to be reinventing the wheel. Happy to say it’s been 6 years and counting. Sure we’ve pissed each other off, but we’ve never disappointed each other 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · August 18, 2016

      Great comment. Thanks.

      But how about when they don’t disappoint you as such. Its more a case that they did everything right/decent but they just didn’t rock your world exactly. Those are the dangerous cases I think…because you give them a chance hoping for more but nothing good ever materialises.

      Like

      • EttaD · August 18, 2016

        Well ofcourse disappoint is just one aspect. Even if there’s not disappointment there should be chemistry.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Plectrumm · August 18, 2016

    …people grow, that changes them. Some people ripen very slowly, their change is difficult to identify.

    Depending on the length of time between the inner actions, and their growth curve…lots of variables, rules are tricky to assign with matters of the heart?

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 18, 2016

      Thanks for commenting

      You make a good point. I guess in some cases you could say all that lies between you and happily ever after could be a second chance. However, in my experience if a spark wasn’t there first time around leaving it a while and revisiting someone doesn’t really change anything.

      But I guess, things could always change.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Plectrumm · August 18, 2016

        “Things” always do change! Our identification and acceptance of this change is what’s in question?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Emmi2015 · August 19, 2016

    Very interesting post. I’m a spark chaser definitely. I’m the one who was always very absolute about the initial spark and tension, that’s why I never understood why some people could suddenly start dating someone they have been friends with forever. Ironically, both of my life serious and long-term relationship started without the initial spark, there were some chemistry but shouldn’t have been enough to start a relationship. In uglier words, I settled because both were very good people, just not for me. After the last long relationship ended, I questioned myself whether I’ve been chasing something that doesn’t exist. Maybe the spark was just fiction, urban legend. But then I met Him. And the way He makes me feel, right from the first time, it puts all romantic movies to shame. It was so much more than I’ve ever imagined it to be. So even if He and I don’t work out, at least I can trust that what I’m looking for does exist.

    I guess my point is, second chances should be given but not for seeing if the spark would come later. It will not. You might fall for the other person’s good qualities later, but that movie worthy spark won’t come later. It’s either there right from the beginning or not at all. And for me personally, the spark was definitely worth waiting for.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 22, 2016

      I love that you say that your relationship ‘puts all romantic movies to shame’!!! 🙂

      I agree with the sparky things they don’t necessarily guarantee happily ever after but I’d rather have the ups (and downs) than settling for mediocre!

      Thanks for reading and commenting. Would be great if you followed our blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. John Morgan · August 19, 2016

    Okay, so you know I don’t do romance. But as far as being my friend, I usually don’t give second chances, especially if they intentionally tried to hurt me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. liveclarelesley · August 23, 2016

    I think you can feel if a second chance is warranted–you bring up some very good points in the argument for second chances. I’ve dated some total asshats, and gone on a few dates with duds…but you never know. Some people just aren’t right for you. I mean percentage-wise, dating is a complete shit show. Part of the whole “first impression” thing is your point of view–if you play someone up in your head, there is no way they’re going to meet expectations (and let’s face it, expectations are DANGEROUS–they in themselves can sink a ship!) so the more open you are, the more apt you are to find a glimmer. Just go and have fun. When it’s not fun, stop doing it. That should be everyone’s number one rule to dating.

    Like

  7. V. · August 26, 2016

    Well I am anti second chances! However, I have a second chance to an old prospect and it’s been great. He openly told me he wasn’t ready at the time and instead of stringing me a long he got is mess together and then sought me out. Since then I’ve moved but we are working it out and talks of relocation are in the works! So depending on the circumstances, a second wind is ok.
    Love this blog!!

    Like

    • EnglishRosiee · August 26, 2016

      Hey 😀

      Thanks for following the blog 🙂 How you’ll become a regular commenter.

      It seems in your situation a second chance is a good call. You guys clearly liked each other but the timing was bad first time around and you both managed to walk away without causing too much damage so its easy enough to pick up where you left off. The fact that you guys are considering relocation options must also mean its serious. Good luck !

      Liked by 1 person

      • V. · September 5, 2016

        Thank you for the luck! So far so good. Distance does suck, though let me tell you!
        I must say, I love the look and read of your blog! Great stuff! I will be a regular visitor! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Demetrius - Tao of Indifference · September 1, 2016

    I’m a big fan of second chances in cases where the date wasn’t BAD but not necessarily good. There’s a ton of reasons why a date can go poorly, but if having a 2nd date is low stakes, why not give them a shot. I would definitely avoid giving someone a 2nd chance if the reason their first impression was off is because they were purposefully rude or actively hostile toward you or the service staff though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · September 1, 2016

      I’ve always thought in a similiar way but I’ve found the problem with going on second dates when you are half hearted about the person is that it often could lead to 3,4,5…or ten half hearted dates and then you are stuck!

      Like

  9. Smruti Bodhi · September 5, 2016

    Very well portrayed. Following with the expectation of seeing more similar posts. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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