True Colours

true colours

As we grow up, we all learn to develop filters and tone down parts of or character which may not go down too well in mainstream society. Sometimes it’s sad that in order to be a functioning adult we need to lose much of that refreshing honesty we had as kids. Telling your rather large neighbour that she resembles a whale or revealing to the family that you eavesdropped on your mum gossiping on the phone about how that uncle from down the road is a dirty perve might be rather amusing coming from a 6 year old but making similar comments as an adult isn’t likely to win you any friends. While I understand the need for these filters in today’s post I’m going to question whether in a relationship it is possible for a person to hide the less socially acceptable aspects of their character or if eventually their true colours will always shine through.

There are a couple of things that got me thinking about this issue. A few weeks ago #zlotybaby and I went to see My Fair Lady at the Artscape. I’m sure I don’t need to regurgitate the story here as most people have probably either studied the play at school or seen the movie with Audrey Hepburn. But basically it tells the story of how Professor Higgins is able to convince a bunch of aristocrats that Eliza Doolittle, a lowly Cockney flower girl, is actually royalty by giving her elocution lessons and teaching her how to behave like a lady instead of a peasant. Sure, she pulls the façade off pretty well and he wins his bet but by concealing her true identity Eliza realises she is living a lie and nobody can do that forever, right?

Although romance actually features very minimally in Eliza’s story I think it has some real relevance when it comes to modern day dating and subsequent relationships. But before we talk about that let me tell you about the real life experience that provided additional inspiration for this post. Out on my tinder adventures recently, I encountered a ‘gentleman’ who SEEMED somewhat decent. Despite some glaring red flags, such as living with mummy in his 40s and having the type of ‘friendships’ where you leave one another waiting for 3 hours , I felt compelled to give him a fair chance. Beggars can’t be choosers after all, and I’m fully aware about my ever ticking biological clock. Things started off fairly well although there wasn’t anything magical about or interaction I told myself that life isn’t always a fairytale and maybe this could be one of these slow burn things.

As time went on (bear in mind this whole episode lasted a little over a month) certain more serious concerns started to surface which made him increasingly unattractive. For instance, he started to speak badly of his ex who left him for a woman (horrible horrible lesbians!). Then there was a meeting with the No.1 woman in his life – Mummy Dearest where in a short space of time she imparted some wonderful pearls of wisdom on this ethnic savage about why intercultural relationships are doomed to fail and how certain people in this country are lazy and expect everything handed to them. Blah, blah. I felt sorry for the old lady, after all she is nothing more than a product of the Apartheid era and I didn’t think it fair to tarnish her son with the same brush so I allowed the façade to carry on.

Anyway, let me cut to chase, it wasn’t long after this meeting when this bloke’s TRUE COLOURS were revealed. I won’t bore you with details of the conversation but let’s just say it ended with him saying people in SA need to ‘get over’ Apartheid and the Jews need to get over the Holocaust too. Enough said, the very next day, the poor dude was put out of his misery via WhatsApp (Yes, I know its not the most decent way to end something but in this case it was more than this ineloquent, racist homophobe deserved!).

So, what have my recent experiences taught me? Well, there really is a fine line about what one should and shouldn’t reveal when it comes to dating. As a girl from the East End of London (just like Eliza) I don’t think anyone needs to be ashamed things that they have no control over such as their background – after all if a guy is the real deal he’ll love you no matter what(even if do you talk like a guttersnipe). And while I am in totally in favour of people keeping their narrow-minded, racist, homophobic backwater opinions to themselves, the truth is, given time and with you pushing the right buttons, a person’s true colours will always be revealed. Thankfully, in my case, it was a matter of weeks rather than years.  My advice in such situations is always trust your gut over everything else (I’m pretty sure it is right 99% of the time) and NEVER ignore red flags or make up lame excuses to prolong something you know has a expiry date!

That’s enough of me thinking out loud. Rinsers it’s your turn. Do you think a person can successfully hide their true colours and have a healthy relationship? Does the truth always surface eventually? Have you got any similar stories about people downplaying their real identity in order to worm their way into another’s heart? Or have you ever concealed parts of your character or kept your opinions yourself simply to impress someone? Answers below.   

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31 comments

  1. beingmommie.com · August 4, 2016

    Wow… great post😃

    Like

  2. eshinalidoreen · August 4, 2016

    Tinder does have weird people. I was on it but i deleted the app. I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship, if you are filthy with lies.. True colors is best.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anuradha · August 4, 2016

    Um, online dating is an entire different thing. I’m only keeping my views, nothing to offend anyone. My say is it can be good as well. Yep, I’ve heard a lot about the worse cases also. It’s almost like still believing in better.
    Sometimes, when a person is keeping up a fake personality, on VERY RARE occasions, like that in a friend of mine, the same person was completely transformed, and well, for the better. So, True Colours, sure are important, but sometimes, it may not be so as well!
    Nice post! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 5, 2016

      Thanks for your comments 🙂

      So, you think by keeping your true colours hidden in some cases the person can change?

      I do wonder. I guess its possible. Most racists are aware that their views are not socially acceptable so maybe be keeping their mouths shut and trying educate themselves maybe eventually their world view will change. That would be nice – in a ideal world. But I think the reality if we catch them in a particular situation, with the correct pressures eventually their true colours come through. Think about Eliza at the horse race – eventually she got caught up in the moment and let her guard down!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Life on the Borderline... · August 4, 2016

    Hi lovey. I enjoyed reading your post. I had a similar experience recently on a date via POF where I ended up meeting a right tool! he was obsessed with his ex and even ‘admitted’ to being a violent psycho. Very attractive – not! Should of kept that part to himself for sure! Personally, I think we should always keep a little of ourselves back just for us but, in order to sustain and survive a healthy and happy relationship you should allow yourself to be as open and honest as possible; something I personally struggle with. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 5, 2016

      Like I said its a fine balance. Obviously, you don’t want to reveal everything on the first date – its not necessary for a start BUT eventually defining features of your personality will need to be revealed. I think as long as you are not lying outright it is OK to keep certain things quiet until things get more serious.

      Like

  5. Sarah Warsi · August 4, 2016

    Excellent post!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. EttaD · August 4, 2016

    Isn’t the internet filled with people pretending to be what they’re not? Anonymity does that, it gives people the opportunity be whomever they chose to be. A friend of mine met a guy here on the internet years ago that pretended to be someone he wasn’t, finally he wanted to meet, but I got suspicious and started asking questions because nothing she was telling me that he said to her was adding up. They were on yahoo messenger nearly six months chatting, with him in America and her friend in the Caribbean.

    The only thing I can say to anyone, whether you’re meeting someone in person or the internet be vigilant in your approach and ask ALL the right questions. If they person is genuine they won’t be offended by anything you ask.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. bklynboy59 · August 5, 2016

    This question is an oxymoron… Do you think a person can successfully hide their true colours and have a healthy relationship? If you hide then you are concealing or lying about who you are so how could one truly think they can have a healthy relationship? They can’t. You ignored red flags so the universe had to make it more obvious to you so you could not ignore it any further and come face to face with his true colors. It’s not about Tinder or Plenty of Fish or any other dating site it is about people who can’t be honest with themselves. To answer another question yes the person’s personality does come forward over time …has it happened to me in a relationship ? Yes maybe not as obvious as a racist thinking person like that but in they claim one thing then find out the opposite.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 5, 2016

      Sure, I ignored the red flags. But I way always on the fence with this one but I was influenced into giving him a fair chance. A few things started to sway my opinion and then the racist undertones finally sent me over the edge.

      There was more I couldn’t include in the post but is actually quite relevant. So I end things quite decently over WhatsApp – the message was short and sweet so I didn’t go into my reasons. I just said I don’t see us together in the long term but it had been nice getting to know him. No mention of being friends – I can’t deal with racists. even as coffee friends. All in all a decent message. He responded by telling me the whole ‘relationship’ had been a TEST and I had just FAILED it. He went on to claim he is not actually a Mummy’s Boy but he lives in mansion on his own and is in fact a MILLIONAIRE. He also went on about how he drove his second car when he saw me (the porsche was obviously hidden in his mansion). He said I should have noticed his 120K watch 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. patriciamanning · August 6, 2016

    never ever settle! What do I keep telling you? Your bar is way too low for guys!!!

    I guess that everyone will eventually show their true selves, if they are allowed (and they should be allowed). I have a friend who has been in a long-term relationship and is only now understanding the guy’s true colours are… because they are going through a bit of a difficult period. Well their relationship has never been awesome, but his faults have never been deal breakers until maybe now.

    Keep your head up and believe that you will find an amazing guy to go on many adventures!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 7, 2016

      Thanks Pat! I will try to better in future and suss out the racist homophobes sooner….

      Liked by 1 person

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  10. federicapetrilli2014 · August 29

    There is time in life where we all make mistakes, we need them to grow up and learn. Or at least, should be like that! In every relationship we all need to be ourselves for the best outcome, but unfortunately, sometimes it’s just a big reality show played only because of someone is just insecure in front of you, or sometimes, there are quite big things behind like family and society (religion and skin color) that are not supporting the relationship AT ALL. And when you are there fighting for your love, silently suffering, you realise how the only one fighting is you and yourself, as your partner is not taking a decision. And the decision should have just been by defending you, your image in front of his (DUMB) society.

    I probably loved the wrong person.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 31

      Eek! Yup there are certain things we have no control of and if our SO has issue with such things we don’t have any choice but to walk away!

      Like

  11. Kate Diamond · November 25

    I agree with you: it’s important to trust your gut and then actually follow through! I say this as someone who continually struggles to do so… not just in relationships, but also when it comes to work or volunteer environments.

    Like

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