Does Living with the Olds = The Death of Romantic Relations?

LivingAtHome

By now, we have come to terms with the fact that the old-school Alpha male is no more and that the dating world is full of mummy’s boys. Look, it’s one thing for a man to have a healthy relationship with his mother but how about when he is still living under mummy’s roof at in his 30s? The sad truth is it’s not just the guys. These days a growing number of people (us chicks included) in their late 20s/30s/40s/50s that still live with the Olds. In today’s post I’d like to establish the impact of this trend of living in close quarters with Mummy and Daddy has on our romantic development (or lack thereof).

Let’s start by drawing on some real life inspiration. Recently I went on a date with someone who forewarned me that the night could not go on beyond 8pm as he had to be home for dinner because Mummy was preparing his favourite! (How sweet – NOT!) Naturally, I only went along with the date for research purposes….but it was rather dull as he spent the ‘evening’ telling me how he enjoyed watching conspiracy documentaries with his Dad. Hmm…let’s just say I had to decline his offer of a second where he suggested he stay over at mine and tell the folks he was visiting an old school buddy for the night. And there I was thinking that the lame excuses and sneaking around ended after our teenage years.

As I said before, its not just the guys…. there are actually fewer ‘independent’ women out there than we’d like to believe. When I’ve gently questioned some such people as to their reasons for remaining at home well into their adult years most put it down to purely economic reasons.  I understand that in many places, like London and New York (CT is apparently going the same way), where property/rental prices are ludicrous many people my age justify their decision to live at home well into their 30s/40s/50s on financial grounds – saving rent money while having your laundry done makes sense – right?. However doesn’t there come a point when one needs to question whether this arguably sensible financial decision is stunting the progression of your romantic life?

So the economics justifications make sense – it’s a sad reality of the world we live in. But how about when someone tells you : ‘My parents aren’t like most people’s. They are super cool. I can drink wine and party with them. It’s no different from having a house mate!’. Ha di Ha Ha! I beg to differ on this one. I too, have a great relationship with my olds (and they could probably drink me and all my friends under the table) but I believe there comes a time (I’d say in your late teens/early 20s) when we all need to flee the nest.

To exemplify my point further- have you ever noticed how people you are dating quick to establish what your living arrangements are? On many occasions, even before meeting a guy, he has asked if I live alone or have a housemate. They may think they are being subtle but really they couldn’t be more transparent if they just came out and said : ‘At some point I envisage us engaging in sexual relations and I’d like to figure out whether this is logistically possible ’. Bumping into a random who is around about your age as you try to sneak out the morning after isn’t so bad. You’ll both probably just laugh about it. But the embarrassment is multiplied by 100000 if instead of a housemate you have to deal with that person’s folks.

Sure, its rather presumptuous to pry about a persons living arrangements but I also think it’s quite understandable. Let’s be honest… does anyone want to date a girl who goes clubbing with her mum? No matter how liberal some parents may seem the thought of your significant other’s father being in the next room while you guys are at it is sure to be kill anyone’s libido!  And we haven’t even begun to address the constant interference/’advice’ parents insist on offering? It’s bad enough when you live a million miles away imagine how much more insight they’d have if they had you living under their roof! Remember there is no such thing as a free lunch (or laundry service!).

To conclude, does living with Olds mean the death of romantic relations? I would most certainly say it has a detrimental impact on your chances of getting lucky romantically. Moving back home for a short stint while finding your feet in the world is fine but living with the Olds for an extended period with no end date in sight definitely creates a negative impression for potential suitors and has detrimental effects on one’s future romantic development.

Now, over to you dear Rinsers. Do you think that living with Mum and Dad ruins your chances of having healthy romantic relations? Would you date someone who was still living at home as an adult? Should it be a dating deal breaker? Is the trend of prolonging fleeing the nest just a reality that we are going to have to deal with in the future? Or are you an adult still living at home? Have your living arrangements effected your dating life negatively or do you have the best of both worlds? 

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47 comments

  1. I think living with parents should not ‘affect’ your dating life. It’s all about how you manage both worlds. But I have also seen how parents hinder relationship with your partner due to their own insecurities or possessiveness. So can’t say much.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think people can argue that theoretically it doesn’t have any impact on your dating life but I think the truth is that it does imply lack of independence and the people we date may judge us for it, even unknowingly.

      The truth is living with your parents is not the same as living independently. Your parents do not hold the same position as a housemate. If you are out late, they’ll likely wonder why and you’ll probably feel the need to check in now and again, etc.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I am sorry but maybe it should not affect your dating life but it does. First why if I was In my 30’s 40’s and 50’s would I want to be still living at home ??? If I was dating someone and they was still living at home… it would be a deal breaker for me unless there was some extraordinary reason for doing so like elderly parents where you are caring for them but for the most part many of these who are living at home are looking for an excuse not to fully be responsible and want someone to take care of them …time to grow up.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Excellent post! I had a series of men still living with their mothers and they are all full of shit, so I’d say it should be a deal breaker. A functional adult wants his independence even if at times it’s financially challenging. Especially for the guy it’s not normal not to seek independence. From my experience this sort of guys are entitled children that have no sense of responsibility and are commitment freaks. The worst is that mostly they have a good story behind why they stay with their mothers as they know many women would see it as problematic. Unfortunately the stories are often full of lies and omissions. If next time someone tells you that they’re staying with their mom “for the time being” and only temporarily to “figure things out” don’t even bother meeting up. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah yeah, I know you are right. But these people have a whole host of excuses up their sleeve. I always feel a bit harsh judging them but you 6 months down the line they’ll still be ‘figuring things out’, 1 yrs, 2 yrs and on their 50th b’day still living at home!

      What worries me most is the sheer number of these stay-at-home guys. It’s becoming more and more common. This means the pool of potentials gets smaller 😦 Sad situation !

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know one who had an excuse of a mom with cancer being actually his excuse for fear of intimacy and staying over and showing me his space. You must be harsh with this. It’s a bad sign. Also if mommy is so important you will always be number 2. Save your time and don’t go on dates with them. That the pool is smaller means you have no time to waste on dependent children in a man skin before all the good ones are snatched.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I dated a guy just a few years ago who lived with his parents still. I was in my early 40s. Him in his early 30s. (Does that make me former cougar?) It was a short relationship for several reasons, but his arrangement did hinder things. I understood the need as there was some financial set back and blah blah blah. However, I didn’t get the need to lie to mummy about him coming to spend a weekend with me. Or when I traveled to his town for work, how he couldn’t spend the night at my hotel since, mummy wouldn’t allow it. Yeah, that was odd and a huge red flag. Sad because he he really is a great guy in so many other facets of life, but this situation certainly was a big factor in ruining the growth of a new relationship.

    Now, on the flip side, my dad lives with me. So it’s the same situation (parent in same house) but TOTALLY different (he hasn’t always lived with me – just needed to after my mom died). My situation is it is MY house and I do what I want. I don’t ask daddy for permission. Of course, back when I invited the above guy over for the weekend, I kindly asked my sister to invite dad to her house for the weekend. If I had not had that option…yeah, there probably would not have been a weekend invite. Too awkward. Anyway, few years later… I am now in a healthy and normal relationship with an adult on his own, and dad’s presence does effect things romantically to an extent of course. I mean we can’t just walk around the house in our underwear or make out on the couch, but that is life when there are kid’s in the house too. It is working out though. I come and go as I please. My boyfriend stays over often. I stay at his house too. Never is permission granted or requested. Sometimes I just don’t even come home. I mean, I am in my 40s and it is my house after all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • See your situation with your dad was a bit different. He was under your roof – so it wasn’t like you were after a free lunch and noone could really judge you for it. For most people in their late 20s/30s who live at home now the circumstances are different. They may start living with Ma and Pa till they find their feet then the just get too comfortable.

      I do think it is logistically difficult no matter how liberal people claim their Olds may be. Also, you have to face facts – people will judge you on your living arrangements whether you like it or not.

      Thanks for sharing your stories 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I had to stay with my olds till my late 20s, financial reasons primarily. It wasn’t comfy or practical for many reasons, other than relationships. I think it’s more how you manage it. I don’t think it should be a deal breaker, but it should be a factor. Thing is, cost of living has gone up, wages haven’t kept up, so more and more can’t get out till later and later. But if you have to lie to your mum and dad, or have to be home at a certain time, you are not an adult and how you live like that SHOULD be a deal-breaker

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make a good point – there is a difference when living at home with your mum stops you having an adult life and that is way more problematic.

      Although it may not be a deal breaker for most people – I do think if one person in a relationship is somewhat more independent than the other it may lead to issues.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hmm…I found this post to be a little judgmental. Honest and raw, but judgmental all the same. I moved out in my teens. I lived all over the place in my twenties and I returned home in my thirties because I got sick and it sucked. I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and seasonal affective disorder. I lived at home for four years and it was a real struggle. Now that my boyfriend and I have our own place my relationship with my parents is much better. So…it would seem like I am on your side. But I am not. My boyfriend was living with his brother when we met and if I had been judgmental and used it as a deal breaker right off the bat I would have missed out on the love of my life. So I would like to encourage you to evaluate people by their merits and not their circumstances.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for your comment.

      Of course, each situation needs to be evaluated on its own merits. As I said at the end, I don’t believe it’s a crime to move back in with your folks while you find your feet (say losing your job, a break up or getting sick, like in your case). However, I also said that their should be an definite end date to the arrangement, which I’ve found in many cases there isn’t.

      I think it applies to our generation as a whole though. More and more people are living at home longer, mainly due to the cost of living but I guess in many cases it is also because they become comfortable in that situation.

      Like

  7. This is a great post. By living with your parents you put yourself in a dependent mindset, you get treated like a child, so you will start behaving like one. This, naturally, will start bleeding over into other parts of you life such as romantic relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment.

      You are on point. I think independence is attractive. Even if you live in a shoe-box apartment in a dodge part of town, I’d be more interested in that than someone who lived in the mansion of Mum and Dad in their 30s.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Please check out my post, “Living at home after college: do or don’t?” I mostly talked about the positive aspects of living at home with your parents, since my blog is all about spreading positivity! On the other hand, I can definitely see how living at home could adversely impact your romantic life, especially if you are a guy. At the end of the day, these “downsides” to living at home are just a motivator for me to save aggressively, so I can move out within the next year. Wish me luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. 30+ and a guy needs his own flat. Saying that, I’ve known a few guys 30+ and 40+ with their own places but their mums still wash, iron and cook for them (meals on wheels style) so faking it for the ladies but still mummy’s boys deep down!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Faking independence at least shows an acknowledgment that living with your olds when you are supposed to be adulting is wrong. It’s a step in the right direction. You’ve got something to work with at least…

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I am an adult (22) still living at home. I just finished college and accepted an entry level job which does not earn me enough money to have an apartment on my own. However, I desperately want an apartment of my own and find myself having “apartment fever.” I could not imagine being one of the 30/40/50 year olds mentioned earlier in your post still living at home. I don’t think living at home should hinder your romantic life, but for me personally I could forsee the biggest obstacle being my parents not being able to let me go and wanting to hover over me. My parents are very protective because I’m their last born, and a girl, so I feel that I would have to resort to my teenage ways again – sneaking around and making up excuses for why I won’t be home at a certain time. I definitely feel a need to “fly the nest” (I’m more ready than my parents are), so if I was dating a guy still living at home like myself we would have to have the majority of our dates outside of the house and make sure each other stays motivated to set a deadline and stick to it. For me personally, it’s not about having sex, but I just want to be able to be alone with my potential significant other, get to know them more personally, and be shielded from the judgment/unnecessary input of my parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for reading the post and your comment.

      22 is still young and as I said sometimes having the safety net of being able to live at home is great when you are finding your feet. But the danger is not having a plan on when to get out.

      While dating is harder with protective parents, I think its more about lack of independence than anything. I find a lot of these people actually make excuses for staying at home…someone needs them, they are more comfortable there, etc, etc. Even if you yourself like living with your parents, it doesn’t mean their presence won’t cause awkwardness for a potential partner.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Agree and disagree – I think people can successfully date and retain some independence whilst living with their parents, to an extent.
    Some people live with their parents because they’re too lazy to begin their life alone, in which case the mummy’s boy is created and yes, that definitely hinders things for them when it comes to finding a partner. Other situations, the most prominent I can think of as it applies to myself, is cultural differences. Many people live with their parents UNTIL they’ve found someone to settle down with – my parents won’t let me move out until I am extremely financially stable and I have my future sorted out, and I’m grateful for that, and I know many people of my cultural background who practice the same thing. I personally think that anybody over their late 20s or in their 30s who is able enough to look after themselves needs to move out whether or not they’re looking for a partner.

    As you said in the above comment, everybody needs to have a plan, and I think they need to have this plan by their early 20s, latest. I guess it depends on the individual, though, some people may even prefer to be with someone who was still living at home 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmm…It is an interesting point you make about culture. I do understand where you are going. However, I think it’s quite sad to go straight from living with your parents to living with your husband. I believe that different stages of your life call for different circumstances and experiences. I.e. Living with housemates makes you more sociable and living alone gives you time to think and be totally independent. I think living on your own for a stage in your life can be good for character building !

      Liked by 1 person

  12. You are right, the age of living at home with your parents is steady increasing. I think its currently in their late 20’s and early to mid 30’s that the boomerang kids head back to their folks place after college (or never leave if they went in state). Like you said, if its for a short period of time, then its okay, but 40’s to 50’s, that’s a bit much. I’ve been living on my own since I was 17 years old, so I cannot really weigh in on this situation. My parents moved back to Africa when I was 17 and so I had to grow up. If I mess up financially living in Canada, I can’t just move back to my parents house to whether the storm. So in that sense, yes, living on your own makes you grow up faster. It’s amazing how resourceful we as humans are when our options are limited. However, I think if you have the option and you are making good use of it, all the more power to you.

    In terms of relationships and living with parents, I think its harder for man in our society. I am 30 years old, been married to my husband for 3 years and we’ve been together since we were 21 (9 years). We are hustling together and building our lives together from broke uni grads, and hopefully trying to make something out of our lives.

    To each is own I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment.

      Yep, I do think society is harsher on the guys when it comes to living at home. That’s why I did try to stress in my post that there are also less ‘independent’ women than we go on about sometimes. So the article isn’t based solely on mummy’s boys.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Some of the comments I’m reating here are hilarious. Are there really grown men who are still controlled by their parents? I’m in my early 20s and unfortunately still living at home while I complete my degree. I failed the first time due to a whole host of mental issues that I won’t go into too much detail about. I have my own car and complete independence. I do what I want, when I want. The only issue is that of logistics and bringing girls around as it’s a deal breaker for some and I can’t always get the house free. I can’t wait to graduate next year and get my own place.

    Liked by 1 person

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