Fix me, please!

Fix.jpeg

Are you suffering from emotional problems? Do you fear rejection? Do you struggle to express your feelings and are horrible to people you care about the most? Or maybe you feel like you’re not complete and that a very big part of you is missing? Don’t worry, Prince Charming will come to your life and fix ALL your problems! All you need to do is wait. Right? WRONG!

I remember in school I thought my biggest problem in life was not having the man in my life. I thought once that was sorted everything else would miraculously sort itself out as well. I wasn’t the only one to think so. My friends and I would discuss guys and complain about them. This one was too shy to express his feelings, the other one too blind to see that we’re just perfect for him. We all had our little patterns and ourselves to keep reassuring each other that we’re amazing and they aren’t. In all that we forgot about two simple facts: 1) you attract what you are and what complements your issues and 2) you choose your love interests. In other words instead of blaming the world one should take responsibility for their own well-being. They say that if you change the world you look at the world change, the world itself changes and it’s very true.

The need for self-reliance and lack of self-pity have been discussed in my posts before. What I’m going focus on today is the fact that we should realize that we have no right to expect others to fix us. If we’re unhappy or bitter we should work on that before we decide to invite someone into our lives. It doesn’t work this way. Unhappiness and negativity are contagious and there’s nothing weird with the fact that people don’t want to be around it.

The above seems logical and yet when a girl goes on a few dates with a guy she starts to think that he owes her. He owes her to give her a chance, to be understanding, to see deeper than what is shown to him. If he doesn’t do it in the discourse of her and her female friends he becomes an asshole. How dare he not to deal with the sourpuss you and see whether there are maybe other people out there who are just more fun to be around.  Especially in the beginning of dating people want to be around people they like and not people that could possibly have the potential to be liked. If a woman displays number of issues but not many positive qualities, in the name of what is the man supposed to keep seeing her (applies to the reversed gender scenario too)?

It all seems very reasonable but we expect him to stay regardless of our issues. Only that it’s not a healthy relationship when one person is not emotionally stable and expect the other one to fix them. Not that it’s even possible, even if they really wanted to. Clinginess and dependency are a recipe for a disaster and not for a fairy tale.

To sum up, if you have issues you can be upset that you were brought up in the house that gave them to you. You have the right to feel bitter that others have it less difficult and that as much as you try some stuff resurfaces. That’s all understandable. However, regardless of how deep your emotional shortcomings are, the responsibility to get rid of them lies with you. Fix yourself.

So Dear Rinsers, do you think that society makes us rely on others to solve our issues? Do you think people take to little responsibility for their own mental well-being?

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24 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · June 14, 2016

    ABSOLUTELY…People take little responsibility for their own mental well being … we as a society are way to quick to blame our parents and the rest of the world for how screwed up we are. Too often we minimize our mistakes instead of own up to them and that includes picking the wrong people in relationships even when we know this is the wrong person for us …instead we think we can change that person or if it doesn’t work out someone else like a trusted friend will be there to pick up the pieces.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 14, 2016

      Totally! I think there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging your parents mistakes and saying that you have this and this problem because of their behavior but then it’s up to you to deal with it. Being angry with parents won’t fix your life life but working on yourself does. Of course it sucks if you come from a broken home or had a father that never showed you love. Ideally children should only grow up in loving homes but life isn’t perfect and it’s up to us to make the best of what we’ve been given. Instead of that most people do a mixture of blaming others for their issues and telling themselves that the ones who got sorted were more “lucky”. Of course it’s easier to say that someone was lucky instead of taking responsibility and saying that they worked hard for what they have and if they can have a happy life lives we can too.

      Like

  2. Plectrumm · June 14, 2016

    …no one can understand our reality better than we can?

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 14, 2016

      That’s definitely true but I’m not sure how it relates to this post? Please elaborate 😊

      Like

  3. Plectrumm · June 14, 2016

    You asked if we rely on others to help fix our problems?

    The effort from others can only come from the “I/Me” perspective, given NO ONE can actually understand any reality other than their very own?

    Shouldn’t we strive as individuals to accept and repair our own reality (with the input of valued advisors) ourselves, given we are the ones living it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 14, 2016

      We should strive to do so but to strive one has to realize there’s a problem that one has. If instead of admitting you have a problem with intimacy you keep saying that your partners are not the right ones to respect your level of independence you’re shifting the focus. Friends agree usually with this shifted responsibility and voila you end up self-assured that you’re okay but others are not. We only can repair if we accept and embrace our own shortcomings.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Plectrumm · June 14, 2016

        Long version of what I was attempting to describe…only you know when you’re at your best?

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 14, 2016

        Yes and all the justifications you’re using won’t rely make you believe your at your best when you’re not.

        Like

      • Plectrumm · June 14, 2016

        So, you’re suggesting other people know us better than we know ourselves?

        Liked by 2 people

      • bklynboy59 · June 15, 2016

        sometimes they do especially when we maybe in denial of something that is obvious to them

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 15, 2016

        Yes, but how often does it happen that they let us know in comparison to when our behavior is obvious to others but they still choose to please us and tell us otherwise.

        Liked by 2 people

      • bklynboy59 · June 15, 2016

        If they are a true friend they will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 16, 2016

        I think sometimes it’s tough. Tough love often works but it’s not easy to give it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · June 17, 2016
      • zlotybaby · June 17, 2016

        Thanks, I’ll check it out now now as we say in South Africa

        Like

      • zlotybaby · June 15, 2016

        No. I’m suggesting we don’t always know ourselves but we definitely know ourselves better than others do. Getting to know oneself is an ongoing process. What seemed impossible yesterday today may be reality.

        Like

  4. sam1128 · June 15, 2016

    So love this. It’s a truism. So many needy people arrive in a new relationship with a suitcase full of baggage and expect their new partner to fix all the issues and when that doesn’t happen theN the relationship often founders.
    There are some problems related sorting out your own issues…first people have to recognise they have them..and some are unconscious beliefs that they really don’t know they have. It might be beliefs about themselves learnt and internalised like feeling unloveable , then behaving in ways that reinforces that.
    If relationships always end in the same way….the individual needs to focus on their beliefs and behaviours and try to make changes….

    I have met some interesting female characters on the net who are unhappy and needy wanting out of an unhappy relationship but looking for that knight in shining armour to arrive and carry them away from their unhappiness. They don’t want to address the source of their unhappiness sort out their relationship and start dating again they are waiting for the one to pitch up…not on a dating site but on a game site. Chatting up men, falling in love with smoke and mirrors and getting hurt because the men are looking for short term fun.
    Both male and female need to become self fulfilled work on loving themselves so they can truly love others.

    Have written about emotional baggage on Converging Lives.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 17, 2016

      You raise an important point. Part of the issues are due to subconscious beliefs. Unfortunately unless one gets into therapy or read an appropriate book they’ll just keep believing that “something is wrong with them”. When I encountered the idea of subconscious beliefs for the first time I though it was mambo jumbo but then I worked through my money issues by working on the beliefs and if a miracle happen my financial situation improved. I think that very often because of the majority thinking in certain ways we tend to avoid looking into whether what they think is right. Happiness is considered by money an goal that cannot be achieved. If you complain about something in your life people very often tell you – what do you expect? Men are just like that. It’s difficult to find the courage to believe in what you believe in deeply inside if others treat you like you were crazy. I really need to read through your blog properly! I’m always pleasantly surprised by the insights you provide in your comments.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sam1128 · June 17, 2016

        Even people who are more in tune with the notion of subconscious beliefs are still governed by them they are often our knee jerk fall back position. It’s having the awareness to think, hang on why am I feeling like this…what triggered it and how can I feel or behave differently. It’s particularly true of our reactions to things that we cannot change or influence. We cannot change how others react but we can change our response.
        My blog is a mixture…part relating to my novel….which has intertwined through it relationship issues ….and maybe a message about the dangers of falling in love online….my novel has limitations in that it was my first with no tuition and it needs a reedit.. it’s maybe too slow to start.. I have a relationship section, a section on text from Word crozzle , which are actually based on real text conversations, then my poetry a lot of which has relationship messages, though some are erotic and some humorous. So a mixed bag but all brought about through the research I did for the novel.
        Thank you for your reaction to my insights I have come to my beliefs the hard way and am aware that sometimes my inner neuroses still rule my life!

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 21, 2016

        I think that work on subconscious beliefs is never ending and to be honest I sometimes feel drained. Like you have this and that achievement and you feel so much better about the decisions you make in general but then you have some irrational response and then you know again something subconscious triggered it. Oh wow, I didn’t know you published a novel. It sounds very interesting and I’ll definitely find some time to dig into it properly (but then we spoke about having time before and how difficult it sometimes is 😉).

        Liked by 1 person

      • sam1128 · June 21, 2016

        But knowing how your response was triggered is part of the battle, might not change the reaction short term but next time may give you pause for thought. None of us is ever going to be perfect but we probably do better over time if we understand our reactions even if we choose not to change them. Just count up what you get right and check the root of that irrational response when you feel strong enough. Sometimes a good old stupid gut reaction meets our needs! Lol
        I set up my blog when I was three quarters of the way through the novel it’s called Converging Lives same as the blog but as I say made lots of mistakes. Throughly enjoyed the process have learned so much..Book two is taking shape. Will be giving one away as a freebie when two is finished. Will let you know.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 27

        I think most of the time you can analyze your reaction and learn from the experience somewhat. Some issues are very deep and the emotional reaction is so strong that it’s difficult to be logical or even if you are it doesn’t change the fact that your reaction is there. I have some anxiety provoking patterns I’m completely aware of and yet I just can’t get rid of the reaction. I think it helps a lot of you know that something is challenging for others too. I think it’s great you know you made mistakes and finished the book anyway. I always get stuck somewhere down the line in a writing project, I see my mistakes and I decide it’s not wort anything. Mistakes don’t make a book any less valuable and are a learning point. Silencing the inner critic is a great achievement and you should be proud of yourself. Also I think I’ve found your book and you have very good community rating: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27556105?source=ebfg_sms

        Like

      • sam1128 · June 27

        Thanks…Yes that’s the book. I know the basic story is OK. ..I just made it too slow to build up….and maybe needed to make my characters more likeable ..but that’s hindsight, mixed reviews but several people have loved it. We will see what happens with the next one! I agree with you totally about emotional reactions.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · June 27

        Then you’ve learnt from the experience 😊 just don’t forget how impressive it is to actually have a book published. Good luck with your new baby!

        Like

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