Great (S)expectations

Sexpectations.jpg

Although everyone seems to be chase after this notion of love and happily ever after, there is also another element that comes into play with modern romance and that’s SEX. Unlike our friends in the animal kingdom who engage in sexual activity to procreate and ensure the continuation of the species, we homo-sapiens take it to another level – for us sex is not simply a means of bringing screaming children into the world, it’s also a way of giving and receiving unadulterated pleasure. But how about when the sex isn’t up to scratch? What do we do when the bedroom activity doesn’t quite meet our great (s)expectations?

Regardless of whether you are a person who has held onto that precious V-Card for 30 odd years or someone who has never suffered from a sex drought because you’ll shag anything with a pulse, we all have our ideas of what good sex entails (and it’s probably a bit more than a quickie down a dark alley). Sure, people have different preferences – some want low lighting and the sounds of Marvin Gaye while they make slow, passionate love while the more risqué among us want whips, chains and a threesome with Mr Grey. But the bottom line (excuse the pun) is that we all want sexual satisfaction, namely that Big-O.

Well, that’s something that’s easier said than done. It’s not really going to be possible for us to be sexually compatible with every Tom, Dick and Harry we meet. If your attitude towards sex/relationships is fairly casual then dealing with a partner’s below average sexual performance is fairly easy – you simply NEXT them and start swiping again even before they’ve managed to get their clothes back on. But what about when things are a little bit more serious? Say you’ve developed an attachment to a person, established that the chemistry is great and decide to take the step of dropping your panties only to find that the sex is disappointing?

Well, I think in such a case, where the person is more than a mere sex object it is important to manage our (s)expectations. From easily accessible porn to somewhat less vulgar imagery that we see promoted in the mainstream media – everything from Fifty Shades to Sex and the City – has helped to shape our unrealistic visions of what good sex is.  It’s important to remember that this is real life, not the movies and those people on screen are (mostly airbrushed) actors busy faking it. Maybe on occasion we may experience mind-blowing sex like we see on TV, but it’s a little silly to expect that to be norm.

At the end of the day, it would be reductionist to say that if you truly love the person, you will be able to overlook the sex issue.  While it may not be the be all and end all, we should not underestimate the importance of sexual compatibility. Imagine saving yourself for marriage, only to find that your husband/wife had a low libido/lack of sexual skills … A recipe for divorce perhaps?

That said, good sex is also something you need to work on (you can’t expect to develop pornstar like abilities overnight)…so maybe just give it some time. And the advantage of being in a conventional relationship is that you have a bedroom buddy to practice with and as the say practice makes perfect. If after sometime things are still not working out then you’ll have to reassess things. At least there are other options – from sex therapy to battery-operated devices.

Oki Dokes Rinsers – Have your say in the comments below. Do you think sexual compatibility is an important factor in determining the success of a relationship? Have our (s)expectations of what should happen in the bedroom become unrealistic thanks to media representations of fornication? Do you have any stories to share about how you learnt to manage you (s)expectations in order to enhance a relationship?

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45 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · April 21, 2016

    wow …when do we begin lol

    Liked by 2 people

  2. bklynboy59 · April 21, 2016

    Yes I think sexual compatibility is an important factor in a relationship, should it be the most important factor? No but important nonetheless.
    Oh Most definitely our view of sex has become unrealistic by what we view in the media in the movies, it makes people feel that unless a man is huge or that there are screams and shouts every time that we are not doing something right.
    At the beginning it was alittle awkard because we were finding our way but once he hit on something that worked for us ….away we went again again…lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 21, 2016

      Yup, at the end of the day anyone can scream and shout like a porn star and put on an act in the bedroom. But why? There will only be so much faking a person can do and after that the sex will get irritating.

      Like

  3. makupsy · April 21, 2016

    Interesting read you have here, I loved it! Methinks sexual compatibility is very important because how else are we going to have mind blowing make up sex if the sex is simply bleh? I am one individual who believes that if the sex is not working out then somehow it is going to affect the rest of the relationship. I had an incident with a certain someone who I really fancied, he ticked all the boxes but the sex was just…disappointing can’t be the word to describe it. But we got along and we continued to date but we just never had sex as often because the sex was so bad I had to think of someone else during the act in order to get an orgasm. (I will deny all of this if anyone ever found out I typed this!)

    Happy Hump Day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 21, 2016

      Oh dear ! Having to think about someone else during the act – huge RED FLAG!!

      Thanks for sharing your story tho 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • makupsy · April 22, 2016

        It was a major red flag and that relationship went nowhere fast!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. bebeliebe · April 21, 2016

    I definitely lean toward sexual compatibility being a deciding factor in a relationship. I respect the choice to wait for marriage, but I have had a couple of ‘meh’ sessions and they stick out in my memory almost as much as the incredibly, mind blowing sexual experiences! For me, if the sex isn’t good, and can’t be organically fixed, I’m gone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · April 22, 2016

      You are a tough cookie…I feel sorry for those guys 😛

      While you have a good point. Would it be so easy to walk away from a guy who ticked all the boxes, just because he wasn’t great in bed?

      Like

      • bebeliebe · April 23, 2016

        Yeah I think so… I think it’s all gotta be out there in the one guy! 🙂 …. Never know though, maybe I am too tough!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. The Career Ms · April 21, 2016

    Wow what a post!

    In my experience, sexual compatibility is only part of the story. You can learn to love the ‘incompatibility as much as the compatibility. Let me explain.

    I have dated both men and women and have had amazing and awful lovers in equal parts across both genders. Part of the journey to sexual bliss, the BIG O if you will, is the expectation of the event. You have no idea how good s/he is going to be in bed. You have those oh so familiar butterflies and that warm fuzzy feeling when you are near them. You lick your lips anticipating what s/he is packing.

    Your hot, so hot for him, he wants you, the sexual energy in the room is tangible, his desire for you makes you feel so sensual, you both rip off your clothes and suddenly you STOP. He is wearing lingerie, underneath his male clothing he likes to wear girls underwear.

    What do you do? Well ladies and gents this is where sexual compatibility and the rule book is thrown out of the window. You jump into bed and have sex. Why, well moments ago he was making you feel like a goddess! That’s why!

    You commit yourself to the moment, you demand performance and you take it. I never saw him again but OMG was that night one of the best – Oh yes, he taught me a thing or two about my body and helped to educate me, I learned so much and that night was layers upon layers of experiences and pleasures. We became sexually compatible, during that night. In fact he widened my horizons and I thank him for that. Because of that particular experience I sought out other another experience I was determined to try. But that is another story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 21, 2016

      Hey. Thanks for your comment.

      That is quite a story. Sure, you do have a point about being open-minded and I guess in a long-term relationship, if he liked wearing ladies underwear and you were dea against it… that would be a sticking point in the long term! And imagine if that was the problem in a marriage…even worse. If his desire was for weird fetishes was strong enough, he’d probably end up looking elsewhere for someone who’d meet that need. Disaster!

      Look forward to hearing more of your stories.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. AboveTheRoses · April 21, 2016

    So damn true. Sexual compatibility isn’t *the* most important aspect of a relationship, but if that area is sub-par, it bleeds over into other aspects. My last long-term relationship broke down very suddenly, but one of the warning signs that I should have paid more attention too was lack of intimacy in the bedroom, and when we did get down to it, it was so meh I probably would have had more fun with just my right hand. I was chalking it up to my partner being stressed out with other parts of his life, but maybe I should have stood up and said ‘This isn’t working for me.’

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 22, 2016

      Thanks for reading the post and following our blog 🙂

      Yup, I think in a meaningful relationship the good sex is often the first thing to go and from then on it’s a slippery slope.

      x

      Like

  7. adriennemullins16 · April 21, 2016

    I would love to contribute to the convo, but I’m a celibate lol. I don’t think sex is needed to make two compatible. I believe compatibility makes great sex. Which is why I am waiting until marriage. I don’t want sex to cloud my view of my potential husband.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 21, 2016

      Hmmm…I don’t agree that compatibility makes for good sex. Say you meet someone online who looks great on paper – same interests, political views, etc. If you met them and had sex straight off the bat I doubt it would necessarily be good sex, yet you could technically be compatible on so many other levels.

      I guess sexual compatibility has a lot to do with chemistry. And yes, that’s either there or not. It’s also about being comfortable with someone … and that takes time – so not a quickie down a dark alley with a random from the club.

      Good luck with the celibacy 🙂 Let us know how it goes for you !!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. A.C. Stark · April 21, 2016

    I think that there’s a great disparity between the identities between a person when they are single and of when they are devoutly in love.

    I think once you have found true love, compatibility, romance, emotional intimacy makes sex great – the rest is just a bonus. This is a result of them letting someone in, as it were. They are a different person, they put distinctly value on different things compared to their former single self.

    Of course, before you reach that point, as a single person, you tend not account for those aspects – they just aren’t yet relevant. So, you wish for a more sensual experience. You want to be kept interested.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. A.C. Stark · April 21, 2016

    I couldn’t have articulated that worse if I had tried…

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 22, 2016

      I think there is this false image the media has embedded in our weak minds that the lothario/’sexually-liberated’ woman has better sex than the boring relationship types.

      Having spoken to real life people I gather this is untrue. Sure, to some degree good sex is about knowing your own body but also spending enough time with someone to be able to figure out what works for the two of you. This will rarely happen if you are just jumping from one person to the next.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. perkmeupnwa · April 21, 2016

    I think the sex becomes better with time. You learn how to please each other and become more compatible. All aspects of a relationship take work to be good. The sexual part is no different

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 22, 2016

      Thanks for your comment.

      I agree with you. In a meaningful relationship the sex is something you can work on. We also just have to have realistic expectations as well.

      xx

      Like

  11. I think that the importance of sexual compatibility really depends on the person. If you’re very particular, compatibility probably means a lot more of just about anything pleases you. I think you can be compatible, but have room to improve which is fine, but if you’re completely incompatible it might be a dealbreaker. If you’re dating someone who is completed unwilling or repulsed by what you need to be sexually satisfied, they might not be a great fit for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 25, 2016

      The other thing about sexual preferences are that they can change over time. You might think you married a totally ‘vanilla’ girl and then somewhere along they line they could get brainwashed by the 50 shades craze and go all whips and chains on you – then what?

      Liked by 1 person

  12. sam1128 · April 22, 2016

    I don’t think it’s silly to expect mind blowing sex to be the norm, if we don’t set great goals we accept second best. It’s silly to think first time with most people the sex is going to mind blowing…if it is its probably a huge percentage of chemistry.
    The things that make the likelihood of mind blowing sex more likely are really knowing your body it’s triggers and what sends you over the cliff so that you can gently nudge your partner to hit the buttons for you. Also your partner needs to be sensitive to your needs and listen and observe your cues. If they are and the rest of the relationship is good then it’s worth having a rerun or two to get the ultimate pleasure,
    Sex is about giving and receiving pleasure and hopefully getting the elusive o!

    Like

  13. sam1128 · April 22, 2016

    In an older relationship it’s being able to talk freely about your sexual needs and what your fantasies are. It’s about trying new things, varying where and when sex happens to keep it exciting.
    There are always going to be times that one of other wants….needs…fancies sex and we have to accept that. Then it should be fine to use that vibrator or for him to wank to porn. If we accept that the other has needs that sometimes we are not in the mood to fulfill and acknowledge it’s natural that those needs are met…..well sometimes knowing what is about to happen can make the not now …..to a wow!

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · April 22, 2016

      You have a good point about aiming high.

      However, there are cases where it may not be a compatibility issue but an personal issue. There are some people I’ve heard of that just have difficulties with all their partners…in such cases you need to look at the common denominator.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sam1128 · April 22, 2016

        Well yes it might be they have a death wish and always choose the same personality type..lol then you have to get into what these people believe about themselves probably subconsciously,that cause the same failures. If they believe deep down they are unloveable. …or that some sexual practices are unpleasant. …or they don’t deserve to be happy. Then they can sabotage a relationship or sexual encounter by just saying things, body language etc.
        Or they don’t know their body and expect the man to know exactly what buttons to press and each of us has slightly different triggers. If left to themselves sometimes the man’s idea of what is going to turn a girl on is what would turn them on and it’s often way short of the mark. Doing some research for the next book I was talking to a man who said he would love to lick pussy for hours. Imo one needs variety and that could become very tedious. Also that’s why men are fond of sending naked pictures they would really turn them on so it must be true of you too.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. niccihaydon · April 22, 2016

    There are 3 key factors for great sex: foreplay, foreplay, foreplay!

    In my (s)experience the best lovers are the ones who take a little time, and allow you to take a little time, to get to know what you both want and how you both like it. Foreplay, whether it involves toys, tongues and/or talking is the single biggest differentiator between great and average or poor lovers.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · April 25, 2016

      Totally agree with you, its all about the build up. But you see guys these days want the end prize straight away. Some of these fools really think of themselves as God’s gift to women.

      They believe there is no need for old fashioned dating. They seriously think they can get away with sending you messages at midnight saying that they just happened to be in your neighbourhood and would like to ‘tuck you in’.

      It’s utter laziness and if they are lazy when it comes to the courting stage of the relationship, I don’t hold out much hope for their abilities in the bedroom.

      Liked by 1 person

      • niccihaydon · April 25, 2016

        I know what you’re saying. Some men don’t understand and don’t try to see it from the woman’s point of view. Physically, for a man, it’s just a case of get an erection, pump away and orgasm. That’s a generalization, but it is true from a physical point of view.

        But for us, even physically, there’s a lot more to it. Our bodies need to produce the lubrication, and that takes a build up. I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt, I’m not going to be wet just at the sight of his cock. Stimulate my mind and you’ll stimulate my pussy.

        Even when I’m masturbating I need to take some proper alone time. It’s not just a case of stuffing myself with a sex toy. I know it’s the same for most other women I’ve spoken to. But then, women understand these things. I always love girly sex.

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · April 25, 2016

        Ha! I’m going to write about faking orgasms on Thursday and I’m sure you’ll have a lot of say on that 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • niccihaydon · April 25, 2016

        LOL, I once faked an –

        Actually, I’ll save it for Thursday 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · April 26, 2016

        Looking forward to hearing the rest of that story on Thursday

        Liked by 1 person

  15. zigzagstripes · April 22, 2016

    I think the ability to compromise and work with each other is the most important thing especially if that connection out of bed is present…. Sex isn’t just a penis, a vagina and a bed. There’s a whole menagerie of marital aids out there, I say use em!

    Liked by 3 people

  16. callmepayton · April 25, 2016

    lol this is a great entertaining read !

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Pingback: Faking It | rinse before use
  18. Miss Scarlet · April 29, 2016

    This is a great article and raises some very valid points, which have been a consideration for me over the last 12 months.

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for nearly 20 years. We have very different sexual likes but, for various reasons, we no longer have a sexual relationship. However, the rest of the relationship is generally good. Sex is just one part of a relationship and sometimes, we can’t always expect one person to fulfil all of our needs in life. I had to change my ways of thinking considerably, but decided that perhaps raising the possibility of a non-monogamous relationship was the way forward, as I did not want to go without sex for the rest of my life It needed much discussion and with that came a lot of angst,. It’s still early days, but we are both free to find sexual fulfillment outside the relationship if we want to.

    So many people cheat on their partner secretly due to lack of sex or sexual incompatibility. It is better to discuss it openly if possible, However, sex is a very difficult issue to raise sometimes, especially if it is lacking in a relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · April 29, 2016

      Oh wow! This is an interesting perspective… Thanks for sharing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Miss Scarlet · April 29, 2016

        It’s a pleasure. Perhaps a slightly different view!

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Christine Feminist · April 29, 2016

    Sexual compatibility has become more impt to me as I’ve gotten older, not less. I think it’s the thing that forces you to work out problems when they arise. Some kind of instinct needs to kick in. That said, I think we need to get more open-minded about non-monogamous, but committed, relationships. If someone meets 90% of what you want in a partner in any other way, you’ll likely turn to friends or work or whatever to get the other 10% met. But for sex, we have an aversion. Seems silly to me. I know that some people could never consider non-monogamy, and that’s fine, but let’s put it on the table as an option.

    Liked by 3 people

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