Although everyone seems to be chase after this notion of love and happily ever after, there is also another element that comes into play with modern romance and that’s SEX. Unlike our friends in the animal kingdom who engage in sexual activity to procreate and ensure the continuation of the species, we homo-sapiens take it to another level – for us sex is not simply a means of bringing screaming children into the world, it’s also a way of giving and receiving unadulterated pleasure. But how about when the sex isn’t up to scratch? What do we do when the bedroom activity doesn’t quite meet our great (s)expectations?
Regardless of whether you are a person who has held onto that precious V-Card for 30 odd years or someone who has never suffered from a sex drought because you’ll shag anything with a pulse, we all have our ideas of what good sex entails (and it’s probably a bit more than a quickie down a dark alley). Sure, people have different preferences – some want low lighting and the sounds of Marvin Gaye while they make slow, passionate love while the more risqué among us want whips, chains and a threesome with Mr Grey. But the bottom line (excuse the pun) is that we all want sexual satisfaction, namely that Big-O.
Well, that’s something that’s easier said than done. It’s not really going to be possible for us to be sexually compatible with every Tom, Dick and Harry we meet. If your attitude towards sex/relationships is fairly casual then dealing with a partner’s below average sexual performance is fairly easy – you simply NEXT them and start swiping again even before they’ve managed to get their clothes back on. But what about when things are a little bit more serious? Say you’ve developed an attachment to a person, established that the chemistry is great and decide to take the step of dropping your panties only to find that the sex is disappointing?
Well, I think in such a case, where the person is more than a mere sex object it is important to manage our (s)expectations. From easily accessible porn to somewhat less vulgar imagery that we see promoted in the mainstream media – everything from Fifty Shades to Sex and the City – has helped to shape our unrealistic visions of what good sex is. It’s important to remember that this is real life, not the movies and those people on screen are (mostly airbrushed) actors busy faking it. Maybe on occasion we may experience mind-blowing sex like we see on TV, but it’s a little silly to expect that to be norm.
At the end of the day, it would be reductionist to say that if you truly love the person, you will be able to overlook the sex issue. While it may not be the be all and end all, we should not underestimate the importance of sexual compatibility. Imagine saving yourself for marriage, only to find that your husband/wife had a low libido/lack of sexual skills … A recipe for divorce perhaps?
That said, good sex is also something you need to work on (you can’t expect to develop pornstar like abilities overnight)…so maybe just give it some time. And the advantage of being in a conventional relationship is that you have a bedroom buddy to practice with and as the say practice makes perfect. If after sometime things are still not working out then you’ll have to reassess things. At least there are other options – from sex therapy to battery-operated devices.
Oki Dokes Rinsers – Have your say in the comments below. Do you think sexual compatibility is an important factor in determining the success of a relationship? Have our (s)expectations of what should happen in the bedroom become unrealistic thanks to media representations of fornication? Do you have any stories to share about how you learnt to manage you (s)expectations in order to enhance a relationship?