Recently, I’ve found myself getting increasingly irritated with the foolish fools I come across on Tinder. It is no secret that we live in the visual age. It may be sad for the more eloquent amongst us but the truth is a good picture trumps the written word these days. In fact, you’ll find that most people on Tinder won’t even bother to put pen to paper – it’s simply a matter of uploading a couple of photos showing your best angle/that you are in fact an interesting human being, adding the appropriate filter or sufficiently photo shopping said pictures and BOOM there you have it…SEX FOR DAYS!!
Ah, if only it were that easy. You’d think the fact that you no longer needed to have the ability to put together a Shakespearian sonnet (or simply string a sentence together coherently) would work in favour of the nice-but-dim sorts, but sadly this is not the case. There are still people out there that can’t seem to master the art of uploading a few favourable pictures of themselves onto an online dating platform.
And getting it wrong is basically social suicide (remember Tinder now tells us when we have mutual friends with a match – remember this when you start posting pictures of your intimate areas all over the place). Actually, when I first thought of writing this post I started collecting screenshots of some of the most idiotic Tinder profiles I came across. But I eventually realised that there were too many good examples and in fact there are websites/Facebook groups dedicated to publicly shaming these naïve imbeciles. So instead, I’ve decided to impart some pearls of wisdom to all you Tinder novices out there. So here are basic list of Do’s and Don’t when it comes to posting pictures of yourself on your various dating profiles.
- Try to have your face in the picture. I know it’s hard for people who’ve been beaten with the ugly stick but being able to recognise your date when you arrive at a bar is pretty essential. Artistic pictures of the back of your head won’t help.
- Show the world you are an interesting person. If you want to brag about running marathons – then prove it (obviously, no need to show yourself crying like a baby at km 40, but a smiley happy pic at the finish line might earn you some respect). People want to date those who actually have a REAL life/hobbies, not just those made up in your imagination.
- Keep your clothes on. This is the public domain and it’ll serve you well to remember that. If someone feels the need to look at porn there are plenty of resources out there. There is no need for you to provide more matter for their Wank Bank.
- Include pictures with another guy/girl where you could possibly look like a couple. It doesn’t even matter if the other person is your mum or dad. Potential lovers won’t know that – for all they know you could have a penchant for cougars or silver foxes. Oh, and certainly, no pics of you and the (ex) wife on your wedding day. Just no.
- Involve children in your Tinder ventures…No they won’t make you look cute but just like some paedo. Nobody needs to know about your baggage before a first date and maybe it’s your niece/nephew/god-child –in which case don’t pimp them out to all the perves on the internet!
- Pose with dead/sedated animals. While I admit I am a sucker for a cute puppy in the picture, most decent human beings will disapprove of you standing victoriously, gun in hand, over some poor innocent dead rhino. And those pictures of you smiling sweetly next to a sleeping tiger are soooo last year and posing next to a drugged beast really doesn’t make you a BIG man.
- Make your profile all about your mates. It’s great you have them…but if every one of your pics is a group shot with your crew, your potential suitor will need to be a detective to figure which idiot is you and no one has time for such nonsense.
- Don’t brag about your selflessness. None of us in Mother Teresa. Tinder is not the place to tell the world about the one time you popped by a township to take a picture with a few smiling African kids. Not cool … and you’ll probably end up being shamed on Humanitarians of Tinder anyway.
Oki Dokes Rinsers. What are your thoughts? Should people putting more thought into the pictures they use to represent themselves or should we stop being so judgmental when it comes to swiping? Answer in the comments below.