The Boomerang Relationship

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Have you ever been in one of those ‘relationships’ that just won’t seem to end? Even though the relationship is over, you can’t get that person out from under your skin? When despite everyone’s best efforts two people still keep finding their way back to each other? Well, this dearest Rinser, is what we call the Boomerang Relationship.

It’s basically like the relationship the Carrie and Mr. Big had in Sex and the City BUT remember we live in Cape Town, and while the Mother City is certainly pretty it is NOT Hollywood. So please stop deluding yourself and thinking that one day you’ll eventually marry that Boomerang guy/girl. The truth (and yes, I know it hurts) is that you WON’T.

Obviously, everyone has the own unique reason for terminating a relationship. Maybe it was a clash of personalities? Perhaps he/she cheated? Maybe despite the initial chemistry, you realised further down the line that your S.O had a dirty little foot fetish or was a religious nut? Regardless of ones reasons for ending things, these boomerang people still find a way to maintain the connection.

In my experience, there are a couple of reasons why supposedly intelligent human beings allow these boomerang relationships to carry on as they do. Firstly, we tell ourselves that we are ‘mature’ enough to remain friends with our ex. But truthfully, can you really be friends with someone you’ve shared your most intimate thoughts with or has seen you naked? And ask yourself would you world crumble to the ground if you saw this ‘friend’ with another guy/girl? Surely, if you are really friends it wouldn’t bother you in the slightest. Just saying!

Maintaining contact with an ex isn’t really the wisest decision as it allows you both to have a foot in each other’s lives for way longer than you ever should and actually just stands in the way of you moving on with someone else.  This type of ‘friendly’ behaviour simply serves to prolong something that has served its purpose and ensures that any potential replacement for the ex has to work ten times as hard to have an impact.

Furthermore, by walking in and out of each other’s lives, we give rise to false hope. You start of convince yourself that the time apart may have changed the situation. Add to that the fact that you’ve probably learnt that dating malarkey isn’t as fun as they all promised and you start to consider rekindling things. Better the devil you know and all that.

Very rarely do these boomerang relationships end well. In some cases, you might get a hook up out of it. But if you look at things properly, you’ve only downgraded things from being in a relationship with someone, to then being their ex and finally to being nothing more than their dirty booty-call. Sure, maybe you enjoy the attention and maybe a boomerang relationship is better than being a sad spinster but one also needs to consider the impact of it on your self-esteem (not to mention your time). Until you stop flogging a dead horse and finally call time on this relationship chances are you’ll never be able to move on because you’ll be forever in limbo.

I hope your never find yourself in a time-consuming boomerang relationship, but if you do the best thing do is cut ties and cut them COMPLETELY. Because the sooner you get rid of the deadwood, the quicker you’ll be able to move on with your life and keep the path clear for your upgrade!

Dear Rinsers – Have you ever been in a boomerang relationship? How did it end? What did you learn from the experience?

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40 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · March 17, 2016

    My ex girlfriend and I tried to be friends after the breakup, being that we lived down the street from each other it was difficult especially when I would leave to go to work. It snow real bad and she needed help with her snow plow so…ex boyfriend to the rescue… In time she admitted it was hard for her to be friends only because she was still attracted to me …Im glad eventually she said we couldn’t be friends any more because it opened the way completely for my wife to enter the picture without that being a distraction.

    Liked by 3 people

    • EnglishRosiee · March 17, 2016

      Yeah… the idea of being friends with an ex is nice in theory it never really works. It could possibly work with a fling where things ended amicably and you both realised you were better off as friends, but not really with anything meaningful. Its often not even a one way thing…it’s like both people take turns to draw one another back but eventually one person needs to bite the bullet and put a stop to things.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. violetonlineisonline · March 17, 2016

    Ugh. Each relationship is different. As soon as it goes to the boomerang thing, end it. It rarely ends well.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · March 17, 2016

      Yup but I think sometimes we prolong it because it’s one of those comfort things. It almost feels like too much effort to date meet new people when there is someone (who despite their flaws) knows you well enough and vice versa. I guess at some point you just have to stop being lazy 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  3. theconfidentwomanblog · March 17, 2016

    Usually keeping a lot of distance for a year or two dries things up to the point where you can become ‘friends’ later on, but most people will just wind up hooking up with their ex if they start hanging out regularly if there is any underlying attraction or if they’re single at the time. I don’t think it’s a big deal. If you’ve made a clear cut decision not to be in a love relationship with someone because of “x,y, and z”, then you could still have casual sex. You could have amazing sex with someone, but not be very mentally compatible or relationship compatible with them at all. Don’t slip into a committed love relationship with someone who you have no real connection with other than sex.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · March 17, 2016

      Exactly. If you are after a fling then maybe going to your ex would work but how many people can stop it escalating into something more serious? I doubt very many. As soon as the lines get blurred, things start to get messy.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. niccihaydon · March 17, 2016

    I totally agree – if it is actually a boomerang thing then stop deluding yourself.

    That said, I am friends with the majority of my exes. And sometimes things go a little further again. But it’s just fun. I wouldn’t want to get back with them, I have no problem at all if they have another girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter). Do they still have stronger feelings for me? I think if they did it wouldn’t be possible to remain friends.

    So if it’s a boomerang relationship then make a clean break, but if you are actually able to stay friends then why lose a friendship over it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 17, 2016

      Do you really think though you can be friends with an ex? As in real friends? How about when new people come into your life – they might get jealous to see you so close with an ex? That’s what happened in SATC….Aiden couldn’t quite get over the fact that Carrie always wanted to stay friends with Mr Big….they had too much history, something which is often quite threatening to a new person.

      Liked by 2 people

      • niccihaydon · March 17, 2016

        Fair point about the jealousy, I guess I hadn’t ever seen it that way. I’m not really a relationship person though, so I don’t think it affects me in the same way.

        I guess the way that I see it is an ex who you actually had a proper relationship with would be a threat to a new relationship if it’s actually going somewhere. However, an ex who you had a little fling with wouldn’t be a threat to a relationship that’s only a bit of fun.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Nato · March 17, 2016

    I haven’t been in a boomerang relationship exactly. However I have been in relationships that really needed to end but drug on and on and on. They had “ended” emotionally but we never claimed the official “breakup.” So we just kept pretending things were good. Or at least I was trying to fool myself into believing that it was not over when indeed it so was. As for staying friends….I can only think of one who I am still friends with. It is a distant friend though. We may see a Facebook post here or there of each others and comment, but that is our only contact. And, I really do hope he finds himself and someone to love in the process. So, I’d say it is so way over since I have no interest in going there again. But speaking of him, I guess there was a little back and forth with him though. So maybe he was not a full boomerang but a mini version, like a bangerang? lol-Either way, the bottom line is I don’t think I could be like super close friends (talk to often, see here and there) with an ex, but that is just me.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. EnglishRosiee · March 17, 2016

    Bangarang !!! I like it!!!

    Yeah, I think its totally possible to stay civilised and be nice to each other if you happen to bump into one another BUT becoming besties, confiding in each other about your life problems, etc…I don’t think is a great idea. Those are things you should be turning to real friends, family or a psychotherapist for, rather than an ex.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. zlotybaby · March 17, 2016

    I think that all the boomerang stages are useful even just to realize that there’s less between your ex and you than you thought. There comes a moment when you look at him and you realize that it’s absolutely not what you want and then boom you’re healed. I don’t think people who get back together and break up end up together but sometimes when the feelings used to be very strong it’s the only way to have someone out of your system.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 18, 2016

      Yeah, I guess even though we’ve ended things we need the boomerang stage as the final nail in the coffin.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sam1128 · March 24, 2016

        That’s fine in theory but if you think you are still in love with that person you can delude yourself that everything is OK because you are back together or he needs you for sex so he must really love you. Then when he finds something he likes better you will be hurt all over again. If it’s over its over and isn’t the right relationship for you. There is somebody better out there, but you won’t see them till you stop looking at the ex with rose tinted glasses.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. katemeyer71 · March 17, 2016

    I haven’t been in a boomerang relationship as such but did recently reconnect with someone I had a brief fling with 16 years ago. I couldn’t help but think the universe had brought us back together for a reason but after three dates and not much else I think I’ve realised I put too much meaning into us reconnecting and now think that what’s in the past is in the past and is probably best left there 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 18, 2016

      Wow!! 16 years is a long time! I would have hoped that any flames that had existed would have been killed by that point…but its always worth giving it a try I guess, even if its just to remember why things ended the first time roung.

      Thanks for following our blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. callmepayton · March 17, 2016

    Love it ! Boomerang is the perfect word, just when you think it’s gone far enough it comes right back. I just wrote a blog on prolonged relationships !
    https://callmepayton.wordpress.com/2016/03/16/im-going-to-love-you-forever-time-and-relationships/

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · March 18, 2016

      Hey. Thanks for reading 🙂 Liked your post – its very truthful. Hope you’ll keep following our blog.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. 21stcenturysinglegirl · March 18, 2016

    These kind of relationships are like that pair of shoes , The ones that hurt you. You threw them in the back of the cupboard and then in three months you find yourself trying them again.
    You know there are other shoes out there but you want to make your mission to break them in . Great blog girls. ❤️From The UK

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 18, 2016

      LOVE LOVE LOVE the shoe analogy…. But in most cases the shoes break you, just like the boomerang guy.

      Glad you like the blog. Hope you’ll keep following.

      x

      Liked by 1 person

  11. A.J. Goode · March 18, 2016

    My ex and I are actually still on good terms, although I don’t think either one of us has any desire to try to reconnect. We’ve got kids together, and we share custody, so we have to see each other at least once a week to hand off kids. To be completely honest, I like him a whole lot better now that I’m not married to him.

    Having said that, I have no idea what’s going to happen once I start dating again. He’s already been dating for a while, and I do my best to get along with the women he sees. I don’t think we’re ever going to fully “move on” until we’re both seeing other people, but I just don’t know where to start. I’m fifty years old and haven’t been on a date with anyone other than my ex-husband since 1995!

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 18, 2016

      I’ve heard this from a lot of married people… I guess that is why its different from just being in a relationship. Divorce clearly is the final option. But with just a LTR … you always find there is unfinished business, I guess.

      Good luck with the dating. And keep reading our blog and let us know how it all goes.

      Like

  12. adriennemullins16 · March 18, 2016

    This is so true! Boomerang relationships are traps. There is a reason it ended. Let it end! It’s unhealthy and quite frankly, unnecessary.

    Like

    • EnglishRosiee · March 18, 2016

      A total waste of times…But I think most of us have to go through it at least once in order to understand what it is and spot it if it happens again.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. emilyewp · March 18, 2016

    Been there, done that. Too many times, actually. The healthiest choice, in my opinion, is to give both parties space from each other when a relationship ends. That way, you can move forward and stay true to your value systems of what you really need and want in a relationship. Peace! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Nortina S. · March 18, 2016

    Deciding to be friends with an ex is a recipe for disaster. Been there done that. You can’t properly move on when you don’t cut ties completely. All those feelings will come back, you might start messing around again, and as you said, it only gives you false hope, because eventually, you’ll find out you weren’t working on getting back together, you were just his side chick, and now he’s about to marry the girl he was with the whole time. And you’re left alone, heartbroken again. Don’t open that door. Just don’t! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I definitely have been in a boomerang relationship, just once, and that was the most recent one. 4 or 5 breakups and eventually I realized, maybe it’s time to stop playing boomerang. 7 months later and I have no regrets 😄

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 24, 2016

      Excellent work 😀 Yep I guess there always comes this turning point when you eventually break that damn boomerang … it can be painful, but worth it in the long run.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Smaddy888 · March 19, 2016

    This all sounds scarily accurate when I think of my own relationship with my girlfriend. We keeping boomeranging! It’s all kinda hard to see when you’re in it though but you make it sound really straight forward and clear cut 👏🏾

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · March 24, 2016

      Yep that thing they say about 20/20 hindsight is so true when it comes to relationships.

      Keep following our blog 😀

      Like

  17. sam1128 · March 24, 2016

    Great post, well written so true, we all need to consider our ticket price and if we want a great relationship it shouldn’t be borrow me for free or reduced in the sale.
    I hadn’t realised you were in Cape Town, I worked in Durban lots of years ago but never got to Cape Town it’s on my bucket list!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. EnglishRosiee · March 24, 2016

    Thanks for reading our blog. I do hope you’ll follow the blog.

    Small world hey? CT is beautiful, although the male inhabitants are questionable.

    Liked by 1 person

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  20. geminilvr · August 11, 2016

    I boomeranged with someone I lived with, fight, break up, make up, rinse and repeat – to say it was draining is an understatement. Great post

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · August 11, 2016

      Thanks for reading.

      I like the phase rinse and repeat!

      Please keep following our blog!!

      Like

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