Forever alone?

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It’s a very sad moment in one’s life when single friends are being taken from the dating scene one by one and we seem to be the only one left. If we have a long history of being single with an occasional fling breaking the pattern, it’s difficult to believe that things will get better one day and we’ll also have a healthy relationship. Feeling that way means you have a so called Forever Alone mentality (FO). If we work on ourselves, however, things may change in ways we wouldn’t have considered possible. I know this because I used to feel that way about myself and know numerous people who did and now we’re all happy in our romantic lives.

First of all, many girls display a certain sort of emotional entitlement. They are how they are (for example grumpy, negative and self-pitying) and they want someone to love them. When they attract gentlemen with similar  qualities they moan and they criticize them for the very same features they display and eventually become even more like what they disapprove of. Part of the responsibility for such entitlement goes to the Prince Charming fairy tale. The idea that someone will come and see “the real you” and fall in love with it sounds very comforting to believe in but unfortunately isn’t true. It also makes you a passive and not active participant of the life process and even a victim of circumstances.

The fact is that most of the former FO women (including me) and current FO women I’ve known are just not pleasant to be around. They’re bitter because of their superiority-inferiority feelings about themselves which can be sum up with “I’m so much better than all of them so why am I so shit that no one loves me”. Why would a nice man like Prince Charming waste their time with someone who only maybe has some depth hidden behind the barbed wire? It’s like digging a hole looking for water in the desert with the difference that the dating scene isn’t a desert and there’s plenty of water ready to drink.

Some of the FOs get so bitter that they aggressively announce the world that they’ll be always FOs, blaming the lack of luck for the situation and not their own choices. Yet another comforting but wrong idea. The world isn’t making anyone to be an FO, they and only they are doing it to themselves. Some FOs just need to find something they enjoy in life and the rest will come. They simply can’t keep expecting the man to bring all passion and pleasure to their lives, they need to take responsibility for their own happiness. Others have emotional issues so deep that they won’t do without  professional help. All of them, however, don’t love or even like themselves and all of them (I really believe it) can be helped if they’re only willing to take responsibility for their lives and stop blaming the world for everything.

Some people come from exemplary families and enter the romantic world with a healthy self-image. Most of us don’t. For most of us accepting ourselves, loving ourselves and eventually letting others love us is a long and painful process with lots of u-turns. Looking at currently romantically happy people and labeling them as “lucky” is simply not doing them justice. People are a lot like icebergs and we should realize it whenever we look on the tip and try to pass judgments.

To sum up I’ll use a quote attributed to Jefferson “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it”. Whether you’ll be forever alone or not is just a sum of your choices not a worldwide conspiracy. What if you had it really difficult in childhood? Life just isn’t fair. You couldn’t make choices back then but you can make them now.

Now to you, Dear Rinsers, have you ever considered yourself a FO? Did you manage to reframe and change your life? Or maybe you have people of that sort in your surrounding? Share your thoughts in the comment section.

 

 

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15 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · February 23, 2016

    For a brief moment as I stated to read this I thought this was a woe is me post…ah but you restored my faith…couple of points you stated were spot on …Some of the FOs get so bitter that they aggressively announce the world that they’ll be always FOs, blaming the lack of luck for the situation and not their own choices. Yet another comforting but wrong idea. The world isn’t making anyone to be an FO, they and only they
    are doing it to themselves. Some FOs just need to find something they enjoy in life and the rest will come. They simply can’t keep expecting the man to bring all passion and pleasure to their lives, they need to take responsibility for their own happiness. That was dead on. No argument from me there …be responsible for your own happiness whether it is being single or married , in a relationship etc. and your other point …Whether you’ll be forever alone or not is just a sum of your choices not a worldwide conspiracy…just hit the nail on the head…in other words stop with the pity parties and be responsible for your own life and happiness…great post!

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · February 27, 2016

      Thank you. I hope it will inspire someone in that situation to change.

      Like

  2. fonzandcancer · February 23, 2016

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    Liked by 1 person

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  4. EnglishRosiee · February 25, 2016

    I’ve met quite a few FOs/Sad Spinsters in my time. While there are a few that are single at an older age because of career choices/mistakes, etc most are single due to their bitterness which eventually becomes unattractive not only to the opposite sex but also to friends who no longer want to hang out with them. I think the key is to be as happily single as possible (yes, it does get hard at times) if you let your single status become a poor me kind of thing then it becomes a problem. If instead you embrace it and use the time to have fun and develop yourself you’ll attract the right kind of people. There’s this perfect balance one needs to find when they are single between being open to the possibility of a relationship without coming across as desperate. I think the key is to embrace single time but understand it as just a phase without getting yourself into the FO mentality.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · February 27, 2016

      As a person who have suffered from FO mentality I must say its sometimes difficult to escape. In my case I was young and my friends were getting boyfriends and I just seemed to be the one who attracts a lot of initial attention but no long lasting one. This was because I felt very uncertain of myself and looked for constant approval. All I was thinking about was for the guys to like me not even considering whether I was really interested. The love me love me please attitude can leave you single for years before you realize you must work on your inside and not your outside as all the magazines seem to suggest. I think when you have no experience of anything but single it’s difficult to believe that it’ll ever change.

      Like

  5. Nato · March 16, 2016

    I get this. I have done it at times and have had many friends do it, and still do it. But when I got divorced, I refused to waste more time in my life. I went out and did anything I thought I wanted to do: paddle board yoga, musicals, trail runs, read books at restaurant bars and more. I just tried to embrace my time for me and wound up keeping myself so busy I found me. I went on some dates. Even dated one for about 8 months (should have ended in 4 though). There was still a bit of nagging underneath me though that said…why can’t someone love me? But, I think I was pretty successful at keeping that at bay, at least in public. (No one saw me occasionally cry in the shower.) I would have people tell me: How can you go to the movies by yourself? You are so brave! You stay so busy. Seem to happy….

    But after some time, I really did believe that if I really did stay single, I would be ok. I loved me and who I was trying to be and kept busy doing things I liked and wanted to do or try. I was happy, like to my core really happy. Then I went on a blind date in June 2015. So far, we are still dating and it is bliss. 🙂 I think the bottom line was, I could not expect anyone else to love me when I couldn’t love myself. I think I was more attractive when I was happy, confident and living my own life on my terms. Of course, some men, or boys, I dated found this self confidence too “independent” and “hard to keep up with.” But hey, I just think they were not the right fit for me. Because if they can’t keep up with me, they would only slow my happy roll!

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · March 17, 2016

      Thank you for your story. I must say I’ve never been to the cinema on my own but I did almost everything else I wanted whether I had company or not. It’s amazing to have a partner you can share life experiences with but I think the right partner is attracted to happiness and independence. The last time I was single I was exactly that. I’d long for a real partnership from time to time but I was happy in life in general. The relationship I entered is different than the ones I had before, there’s much less clinginess and depending on the other person to make us happy. I guess part of this realization comes from maturity that happiness must come from you as no one can make you happy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nato · March 17, 2016

        Amen! It took me a while to realize that but that is true. You have to be happy with yourself first. It is wonderful to have a great connection with someone but if you are miserable with yourself, it closes or at least hinders your ability to open up to someone else completely. I am thrilled you are in a happy and healthy relationship now. I am too. It is soooo different than anything before so I get what you mean. We are lucky indeed!

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · March 17, 2016

        I’m glad that you’re happy as well. Remember that the harder one works the luckier he gets 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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