It’s a very sad moment in one’s life when single friends are being taken from the dating scene one by one and we seem to be the only one left. If we have a long history of being single with an occasional fling breaking the pattern, it’s difficult to believe that things will get better one day and we’ll also have a healthy relationship. Feeling that way means you have a so called Forever Alone mentality (FO). If we work on ourselves, however, things may change in ways we wouldn’t have considered possible. I know this because I used to feel that way about myself and know numerous people who did and now we’re all happy in our romantic lives.
First of all, many girls display a certain sort of emotional entitlement. They are how they are (for example grumpy, negative and self-pitying) and they want someone to love them. When they attract gentlemen with similar qualities they moan and they criticize them for the very same features they display and eventually become even more like what they disapprove of. Part of the responsibility for such entitlement goes to the Prince Charming fairy tale. The idea that someone will come and see “the real you” and fall in love with it sounds very comforting to believe in but unfortunately isn’t true. It also makes you a passive and not active participant of the life process and even a victim of circumstances.
The fact is that most of the former FO women (including me) and current FO women I’ve known are just not pleasant to be around. They’re bitter because of their superiority-inferiority feelings about themselves which can be sum up with “I’m so much better than all of them so why am I so shit that no one loves me”. Why would a nice man like Prince Charming waste their time with someone who only maybe has some depth hidden behind the barbed wire? It’s like digging a hole looking for water in the desert with the difference that the dating scene isn’t a desert and there’s plenty of water ready to drink.
Some of the FOs get so bitter that they aggressively announce the world that they’ll be always FOs, blaming the lack of luck for the situation and not their own choices. Yet another comforting but wrong idea. The world isn’t making anyone to be an FO, they and only they are doing it to themselves. Some FOs just need to find something they enjoy in life and the rest will come. They simply can’t keep expecting the man to bring all passion and pleasure to their lives, they need to take responsibility for their own happiness. Others have emotional issues so deep that they won’t do without professional help. All of them, however, don’t love or even like themselves and all of them (I really believe it) can be helped if they’re only willing to take responsibility for their lives and stop blaming the world for everything.
Some people come from exemplary families and enter the romantic world with a healthy self-image. Most of us don’t. For most of us accepting ourselves, loving ourselves and eventually letting others love us is a long and painful process with lots of u-turns. Looking at currently romantically happy people and labeling them as “lucky” is simply not doing them justice. People are a lot like icebergs and we should realize it whenever we look on the tip and try to pass judgments.
To sum up I’ll use a quote attributed to Jefferson “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it”. Whether you’ll be forever alone or not is just a sum of your choices not a worldwide conspiracy. What if you had it really difficult in childhood? Life just isn’t fair. You couldn’t make choices back then but you can make them now.
Now to you, Dear Rinsers, have you ever considered yourself a FO? Did you manage to reframe and change your life? Or maybe you have people of that sort in your surrounding? Share your thoughts in the comment section.