How much change can you take in a partner?


I went to see “Deadpool” last week. For those of you who’ve been keeping their heads in the sand – “Deadpool” is a movie based on superhero comic book. It’s very un-PC and tells a story of a  man who was Ryan Ryanolds and turns into an ugly superhero. It inspired my post today about changes in physical appearances of our partners.

First of all, the whole topic is very tricky. After all we’re supposed to love our partners for who they are and not how they look like. Yet, I remember an acquaintance of mine who was telling me that even though he knows he’s a bad person he couldn’t look at his ex-wife long before their divorce. He said that she stopped putting any effort into her looks and what bothered him the most was that her formerly slim calves turned into tree trunks. On some level I thought he was being horrible, on the other I appreciated his honesty. After all, he started to date an attractive woman who after marriage turned into a creature twice her former size and with never washed hair. Can one really blame him for losing interest eventually?

On the other hand, in the defense of the wife, she was the one taking care of the household. Can you then blame HER for paying less attention to her looks and slight food indulgence? A full-time worker and a full-time mom of two with a husband that helps at the house little or not at all definitely had her reasons as well. She also started to date a Prince Charming who turned out to be not much of a partner who of course he let himself go too but didn’t mention it in a story.

So far I’ve been only discussing the usual letting ourselves go. However, what if our partner undergoes a surgery and instead of getting a younger look becomes a parody of his former self? Jocelyn Wildenstein, so called Cat Woman, started to “improve” her appearances initially to please her husband and look more catlike. The husband didn’t regain interest in her, on the contrary, he left her for a younger woman. She continued with her surgical experiments and currently hardly looks human.

Last but not least, there’s the change that no one wants to think about. What if our partner really changed because of an accident or a disease? Would we stand by their side then? Of course we all want to say yes and judge those who had such experience in a real life for not doing the right thing. However, I don’t think we can know what we would do and I’m just hoping that none of us will be ever tested in that way.

So, Dear Rinsers, any thoughts? Have you seen “Deadpool”? Have you ever been in a similar situation? What do you think you’d do if you were? Share your thoughts in our comment section.



  1. Good post, we all see the outer beauty it is what attracts us …all of us that said…
    I haven’t seen Deadpool yet but I have read the comic so I am somewhat familiar with the story. I recently became friends with someone who is bound to a wheel chair due to an unfortunate occurance in his life. He has a young family (Wife and children) from my understanding this isn’t how they started out so this took some adjusting all the way around and this made me think how much she could have said hey this is what I bargained for when we got married, yet she is there at his side. In sickness and in health for better or for worse. Point is some still really believe in those words and really believe in looking past the physical.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think that people like her should be admired. Not everyone is capable of heroism. Also, a person in a wheelchair is one thing. There are things more difficult to deal with. Your spouse being in a prolonged comma, your spouse having his behavior changes due to a mental disease, your spouse starting to abuse alcohols and getting aggressive. All I say is we should not judged as we are fortunate not to have been tested in this way.


  2. i think you’ve raised important questions here. Our partner letting themselves go in a relationship is one thing (many people put on weight thanks to the comfort/security that a relationship provides) but looks will change regardless…we are all going to get old. If a person stops loving their partner because they got fat/ugly that is one thing but how about if the change is more fundamental. Say for instance your partner finds God and goes all cultish on you – are we still expected to love them unconditionally? Looks are superficial but fundamentally changing one’s views effects more important things such as how you bring up your future kids and the friends you keep, etc. Sure you’ll still love a part of them…but is it fair to brand the dumper/leaver the bad guy when the other person has changed so much from the original you once fell in love with ?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think both superficial and more profound changes can change our feelings towards a person. I had an ex who was chubby when we met but he picked up 10 kilos during our relationship. He also made many things look different then they really were when we started dating. I’d been gradually losing my feelings for him. Would I have felt the same way if it was just the change in weight? Probably not. Unfortunately very often with looks goes character. A person putting on weight is one thing but if they at the same time start to hate on people leading a healthy lifestyle it’s another.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have always been of the mindset that if we leave someone because of how they look it says that we are shallow and conditional which means we don’t really love them but the image of what we want them to be. In the case of my friend …it must be true love on a deeper level because this is his condition for the rest of his life.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sure but as I explained to emglishrosiee, looks is one thing but characters goes with it. Eg people get bitter when they pick up on weight so instead of your usually fit, sporty and optimistic partner you may see a change into a chubby grump.


  4. This is an interesting concept, the thing we all have to acknowledge in relationships is that during life we all change grow and develop. Look at yourself 10 years ago, look at yourself now are you really the same person, size and shape, interests, passions and dreams. Part of having a good relationship is giving your partner the space and support to grow and change and meet their potential. It can be scary to have a partner that is changing, it means having a changing relationship but life changes. If that’s not a viable thought the relationship will probably fail.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re definitely right. However, there’s a difference between letting a partner grow/change a life path and see them wasting their life away. People change but I believe they change within a scope. If a formerly loving partner becomes abusive you must ask yourself is it a temporary change or was he like that always and it’s just surfacing now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes indeed, if a change in behaviour is negative then that is a different ball game. Abuse to me is one strike and you are out. I think we should all set our ticket price and we should value ourselves highly and abuse is unacceptable. There are so many strands to this.
        I was putting the point of view about us needing to grow and develop in life and the inability of partners to accept cope or facilitate that.
        It’s an interesting debate.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think if a partner isn’t interested in their own growth they’ll feel like they should stop their partners growth or they will lose them. Which is probably true as if one puts a lot of effort in self-development it’s difficult to have a partner who’s not doing anything for themselves apart from 8-5.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I looked at narcissism when doing the research for converging lives and that is a good case of the partner formerly loving suddenly putting the other down undermining and belitting them all under the guise of love and care. The only thing to do when living with a narcissist is to get the hell away.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Narcissists are a different issue. They define themselves by being “better” than others so obviously if their partner is succeeding they’re trying to sabotage the growth. I think everyone is a bit narcissistic as it is scary to see a partner succeed/grow when we don’t do the same. However, most healthy individuals would use it as a motivation rather than try to destroy the partner’s efforts and make them feel inadequate and unworthy of whatever they’re trying to achieve.

        Liked by 1 person

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