Is masturbation cheating?

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Even though some religious institutions would like us to think otherwise, sexual drive is as natural for human beings as all the other bodily need and in the same way it should not be suppressed. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little bit of self-pleasuring when one’s single. Is it okay, however, to jerk off when you have a significant other?

Back in the days when I was in a long distance relationship I was a member of a forum gathering women in similar situations. One of the topics discussed was masturbation and the opinions were divided about whether it’s okay to pleasure yourself when living in such an arrangement. Most people thought it was okay to do so as long as your partner was involved (sexting or live chat) or if the masturbator was simply thinking about the partner. Some didn’t like the idea of “self-rape” at all and thought people should just suffer through till the partners are reunited. I was the supporter of it’s all good if your partner is involved in theory, even though on some level I felt it was downgrading the act of sweet love making.

The issue gets more complicated when the partners are not separated from each other. If a sex life is good, surely, there’s no need to provide oneself with additional entertainment, especially given that anyone I ever asked values good sex more than masturbation. Does it mean then that masturbation is a clear sign of sex not being good and the partner being dissatisfied? To be honest, I think it does. If additionally a person uses visuals of someone else other than their partner for stimulation it looks like there may be a problem.

Nevertheless, it being a problem doesn’t make it cheating. Let’s assume that a married woman fantasizes about her co-worker. Surely, that’s not cheating even if it’s not entirely cool. Even if she moves a step forward and masturbates thinking about him it’s still not cheating. Cheating would be an active pursuit of her lust which would involve the co-worker.

What a situation of that sort may signify is a loss of interest or boredom on the side of one of the partners and should be addressed. I can’t help but think that if the imaginary married woman only desires the co-worker sexually she shouldn’t even necessarily discuss this particular feeling with her husband. After all sexual attraction is a fleeting sensation for the person who feels it. It may remain a lasting wound to the person who hears about it, though. Ideally instead of waiting till she develops more interests of that sort, she should work on her relationship.

To sum up, I don’t think that masturbation in a “normal” relationship is cheating but is a bad sign that eventually can lead there.

Now Dear Rinser, please tell me what you think about the issue in the comments section. Is it okay to strangle the chicken?

 

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42 comments

  1. EnglishRosiee · January 5, 2016

    So…let me play devil’s advocate here. How about you really LOVE LOVE someone but they just happen to be a little inexperienced in the bedroom department? The great thing about being a ‘relationship-person’ is that you get plenty of practice and learn what a particular person likes…so eventually the sex should be perfect. Theoretically. But that doesn’t mean the sex will be so great with the next person that comes along. In these cases, you may truly like a person but the sex may not be on point just yet hence the need for a little self pleasure, perhaps? Sex is certainly important but it isn’t the be all and end all in a relationship. Also, good sex doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice so maybe masturbation is a necessary evil at times. Just putting the idea out there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 5, 2016

      To be honest when sex isn’t perfect, I’d rather invest into making in better than into masturbation. I don’t know I just have more pleasure out of it when other person is involved too. Also I don’t think there’d be anything wrong with masturbating when thinking about someone you’ve just started dating. I just think it’s problematic when you rather have sex with yourself than with your partner.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. bklynboy59 · January 5, 2016

    Interesting question …now without sounding prude…masturbation can become additive …and ultimately replace the partner because one can get used to pleasuring themselves to the point that no one can satisfy them better than themselves. This applies to both men and women. Masturbation runs hand and hand at times with pornography and that also can wreck a relationship in time. does it happen yes more than most care to admit , but caution is needed. Before it becomes something that replaces intimacy with your partner.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 5, 2016

      Agree! I don’t think it’s the worst of evils as a singular event but when it becomes a habit it can lead to a weakening and then potentially the end of a relationship.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · January 5, 2016

        Many people do it yet very very few admit it. Mostly because they do it more than they care to admit.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · January 6, 2016

        I’m sure it’s true.

        Like

      • bklynboy59 · January 5, 2016

        Question do you think viewing port is considered cheating if you are in a relationship?

        Like

      • zlotybaby · January 6, 2016

        I don’t think so but ideally it should be used as a tool of stimulation by both partners together. Otherwise the same rule applies as with masturbation – the more you do it, the more it separates you from your partner.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · January 6, 2016

        Then believe it or not it is a form of cheating

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · January 6, 2016

        I guess so. At least watched on one’s own. I don’t think it’s wrong to watch it together as stimulation, though.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · January 6, 2016

        But you mentioned something earlier that was the key and it was the more you do it the more it separates you from your partner. And that was about Masturbation. The same can be applied to watching porn. The more you watch it the more it separates you from your partner. Yes I see your point about watching it together as stimulation but even then be careful. One may see as stimulation and the other may see it differently and still may venture to watch it more on their own.

        Like

  3. MSK · January 5, 2016

    even when sex is in abundance and it’s fucking great (pun intended), there is NOTHING wrong in pleasuring oneself while showering or before going to work in the morning or when one’s partner is not home or even at the office. nothing. at all. whatsoever. these are those few short moments when one can be a proud egoist and have an orgasm while being utterly selfish. so IMHO, masturbate as much as you want and like, just don’t get addicted and make no secret of it. period.
    [and I don’t think I have to think (linguistics, yay!) about my partner when I’m having fun all by myself. I’m thinking about my partner when I’m fucking my partner. simple as fuck (pun not intended). and when I’m not fucking my partner, why should I not want to think about a big ass I saw on pornhub, a sexy flat chest I crashed into while entering the tube, or a friend who’s get great feet?]

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 5, 2016

      Ideally you shouldn’t be interested in other people. But that obviously only lasts in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. After that a fleeting interest is just reality but to embrace it by masturbating feels a little bit wrong even if it’s what happens. The more you do it the more it is like cheating for cowards, though.

      Like

  4. violetonlineisonline · January 5, 2016

    seriously? in this era? come on. masturbation is masturbation. everyone should do it, no matter what relationship you are in.

    Like

    • zlotybaby · January 5, 2016

      Why should? I honestly don’t feel the need when I have regular sex with someone I love.

      Like

      • violetonlineisonline · January 5, 2016

        I honestly cannot believe you write about men / women / dating and sex and yet mix up masturbation with cheating. many, if not most women, masturbate as well as having sex as it can be hard to orgasm without a bit of self help. men, and women, masturbate, to get the edge off. men masturbate all the time, whether in a relationship or not. check the surveys. check the polls. it’s okay for men to do this. why would it be any different for women?

        Like

      • zlotybaby · January 5, 2016

        I said in the post that I don’t consider masturbation cheating. I’m not saying it’s wrong for women either. I just think that as a habit it takes away part of the attention you could use to work on improving your sex life. Partners will differ with their needs too so it’s not wrong to have more and give oneself more. What’s wrong is developing a habit of masturbation and neglecting the sexual life. I think it’s a moderate post expressing an opinion with which you’re allowed to disagree.

        Like

      • violetonlineisonline · January 5, 2016

        of course you can have your opinion. i just happen to think it is misinformed. in today’s world when we are trying to encourage women to love their bodies, be proud of themselves, know it is absolutely okay to touch themselves, know that masturbation can help them towards a healthy sex life, using words like masturbation and cheating in one sentence is dangerous. you always ask me for your opinion on your blogs so i am giving it!

        Like

      • zlotybaby · January 5, 2016

        Once again: I’m not against masturbation, I’m against excessive masturbation in a relationship. It’s not dangerous to use masturbation and cheating in one sentence if you say that the latter ISN’T the former.

        Like

      • violetonlineisonline · January 5, 2016

        masturbation, by the way, has nothing to do with love.

        Like

  5. Jay Colby · January 6, 2016

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    Like

  6. Maayan · January 6, 2016

    Hmmm, sorry to be so blunt – but I think that the notion that masturbation is cheating is utterly ridiculous. For many reasons. Here are a few:

    1. It implies that human sexuality is restricted to sexual relations with another individual. This is somewhere between naïve and dysfunctional. Humans are sexual beings and they experience and express their sexuality in more ways than the missionary position with their long-term partner. Assuming that the moment you are no longer single and are in a committed relationship your entire sexual realm shrinks to fit only into that person’s pants is a naïve and unrealistic notion.
    2. It implies that people don’t have a sexual relationship with themselves. We know for 2 centuries already that auto-erotica is an important part of one’s psychological and emotional development and wellbeing. To assume that your relationship with yourself only exists when you are single is farfetched at best. And dysfunctional at worst, because if you only live through someone else, you will not be able to give that person an entirely whole you.
    3. Masturbation is healthy for your sex life and can benefit your relationship. It teaches you to love your body, to be intimate with yourself, to explore what you like, to give up inhibitions, to discover your own pleasure. Just like having friends benefits your relationship, not to mention your general mental wellbeing, which is crucial for a healthy relationship, seeing your sexuality as some entity separate from yourself that only someone else has rights to, is downright unhealthy.
    I have the same opinion on the notion that people should stop going out with their friends / enjoying their hobbies / enjoy spending time alone when they’re in a relationship. The point of a relationship is sharing your life. If you decide to abolish that life precisely because you’re in a relationship, well, then, there’ll be a much more impoverished version of yourself left to share.
    So go ahead. Enjoy yourself. Share that enjoyment with your partner if and when you want to. It won’t make you blind. But blocking your view from everything but your partner will.

    Like

    • zlotybaby · January 6, 2016

      I find this comment judgmental and harsh. Yet again when reading a comment I feel like people read what they want in what’s written, regardless of what’s actually written. I’m a proponent of independence in all respects, however, I find that excessive masturbation in a relationship as well as porn watching can harm it. The post was written as the topic was suggested to me and I thought it was interesting to explore it.

      Like

      • Maayan · January 6, 2016

        After writing that, I did actually think I might have sounded a bit harsh and judgmental – sorry! That was not my intention. I thought you presented an interesting view (albeit one I completely disagree with), and wanted to present another perspective. So apologies if it came across as too blunt – I was just playing devil’s advocate (or my advocate :-)) in jest. Never take me (or my tone) too seriously!

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · January 7, 2016

        I’m always interested in different opinions. Thanks for commenting anyway 😊

        Like

  7. soddinl · January 7, 2016

    People seriously had a discussion whether it’s okay to masturbate when you’re in a long distance relationship?! Seriously? Surely taking care of your own sexual needs when you’re separated from the one you love would be more likely to limit the likelihood of looking to another party outside the relationship to scratch that itch and cheat?

    No, I don’t consider masturbation in a relationship as cheating, I fully expect and even encourage my partner to masturbate when I’m there or even when I’m not, because it’s only natural. I do, not as much now as I’m kept pretty much satisfied, but I would never consider masturbation in a relationship to be a troubling sign, unless of course it has a dampening effect on your sex life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · January 8, 2016

      You’d be surprised how many females thought it was a deal breaker to masturbate in a long distance relationship…

      Like

  8. Pingback: Great (S)expectations | rinse before use
  9. Sarah Hope · November 24

    In all the long distance relationships I ever had, we did this all the time! That’s crazy to think it would be a deal breaker – I agree with soddinl that masturbation is not a problem in the relationship unless it was dampening your sex life – I think some men and women care more about what the other is thinking about when they masturbate maybe? I guess I could see that if it came down to a porn addiction or something of that nature.

    Like

    • zlotybaby · November 28

      I guess it depends on one’s libido. It’s a bit difficult to upkeep with everything if you enjoy frequent sex with your partner AND masturbate on the top of it. The definition of masturbation also comes to play of course. Is it touching yourself or only coming?

      Like

      • Sarah Hope · November 28

        zlotybaby, I was talking about in a long distance relationship, masturbation being used during ‘phone sex’ between the couple

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · November 29

        Yes but you also commented about a normal sex life in the second part and my reply referred to that. Re long distance phone sex I had this experience once and it was just making me miss my partner more and also a bit sad. We’re all different I guess. Something that works for one person doesn’t necessarily have to for the other.

        Like

  10. Sarah Hope · November 29

    Oh I see – my bad. Yea, I agree with you said “enjoy frequent sex with your partner AND masturbate on the top of it” – I suppose really the issue comes down to the two people like you said above.”Is it touching yourself or only coming?” – what do you mean by that question?

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · November 29

      Sorry it was late when I was relying and sometimes my writing gets a bit chaotic then 😉 I meant that if you define masturbation as a full sexual act with yourself leading to an orgasm than it’s difficult to squeeze a lot of it into a happy sexual life with a lot of sex. On the other hand, if you define masturbation as the mere fact of touching yourself to get some stimulation than it’s a less ummm time consuming task and easier to squeeze in without affecting the sex live with one’s partner 😉

      Like

      • Sarah Hope · November 29

        Oh, masturbation would definitely be to orgasm if done independently or for turn-on to partner if he or she enjoyed watching for a period – I find that masturbation when a partner is watching doesn’t often last long but more used for a stimulant if that makes sense – again, goes back to the sexual desires of two people which, as you stated, are between them personally. What do u think?

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · November 30

        I agree with what you said. At the same time I think that many people wouldn’t even define it as masturbation if it only serves as a stimulant. I think it still is.

        Like

      • Sarah Hope · November 30

        I would probably define a stimulant to be masturbation as well, but could see it being debated. I wouldn’t think that stimulation with orgasm would be too fun unless it was with a partner during sex or something of that nature which goes to the objective between the couple’s prerogatives. Otherwise, I can’t think of a practical reason for it be just a stimulant? But think it’s a good topic as I know that some men/women take personal offense to their partner engaging in such

        Like

      • zlotybaby · December 1

        I think people touch themselves without necessary meaning to orgasm. A way of appreciation of one’s body, maybe? People getting offended reminds me of one of the sex and the city’s stories when a guy would masturbate but wouldn’t have sex with his wife because he was freaked out by the idea of getting her pregnant. Some people are sensitive about it because they feel that something is missing in their sexual lives.

        Like

      • Sarah Hope · December 4

        I guess I could see that as a reason! It just depends on the prerogative – but if you masturbate a little before sex to get in the mood and then I could also see how that wouldn’t really count as masturbation too. Yea, prego is a legitimate scare – it changes everything – and I also agree – if there is too much, something sexual is often missing in the relationship.

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · December 7

        Agreed 🙂

        Like

  11. Sarah Hope · November 29

    Also, masturbation can be used if partner doesn’t get the job done…*giggle* – that does happen as well!

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · November 30

      😄

      Like

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