We like to tell ourselves stories that really don’t serve us. One of these is the myth of the one who got away.
You meet someone and for whatever reason you feel strongly about him. He seems to feel strongly about you too and yet he’s not putting enough effort into you being an item. He sends signals and SAYS a lot of things but doesn’t follow up with these. You think that maybe he doesn’t know how you feel, you make it a bit clearer. He seems to reciprocate and yet continues to make no effort. He has a story of course. Sometimes it’s that he’s just out of a relationship, another time he wants to “build a friendship first”. In other instances he’ll tell you he’s taking a break from relationships or just doesn’t want to commit anymore. These are all excuses. The truth is for whatever reason he had already decided that you guys won’t be a good item but he will never tell you that.
In really bad cases, when the guy led you on for quite a while you’ll decide to “wait” for his problem to disappear and therefore, as experience taught me, waste your time. For his excuse will never disappear and even if it does he’ll come up with a new one. The reason why he won’t tell you the truth is because he wants you to wait around just in case. People are just like that, if you give they’ll take so YOU must protect yourself.
And if you don’t? Well, you won’t end up with the guy, that’s for sure. You may end up, however, thinking that he was THE guy. Do you know the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder? If you just had a little bit of that guy in your life and for you it was positive, you just wrote the rest of the story in your head. You idealize a person you don’t really know because we get to know people by being around them and seeing how they behave. Only that it’s difficult to be reasonable if in your head this person was perfect for you and you would have ended up together if not the circumstances.
Only that it’s not true. You and him are both a certain sort of person when you meet. If you don’t work out, you can’t just wait for the better circumstances. Why? Because with the circumstances you and him will change too. If you don’t work out it means that you’re not supposed to and that regardless of how things seem in fact you’re not a good match.
Of course they are exceptions of friends who fall in love after years of knowing each other but this is different. They didn’t “try it out” earlier. It reminds me of this guys I saw once, then didn’t see for many months and then we started to date properly. Only that a month in we both knew that our initial subconscious feeling of not being a match was right and we should have left it at that and spared ourselves the pointless and emotionally straining effort.
To sum up, don’t waste your life on people who don’t put enough effort to be close to you. Before you start to believe that he was the one who got away look objectively at his characteristics and at what you want from your partner. It will turn out that he wasn’t so perfect after all and you’ll spare yourself a harmful story you tell yourself.
Now to you, Dear Rinsers – what’s your opinion on the One Who Got Away? Can the One get away? Or if he got away could he have been the One?