Papa don’t preach – Parents don’t know best

image

This post is mostly inspired by “parental control” experiences of my own and of my friends. Even though their children are not really children anymore, the parents tend to preach and to think that only THEY know what’s good for their children when it comes to love.

Most people who have been single for a while experienced the get yourself a boyfriend/girlfriend pressure from their parents’ side. Between relationships they give you a time gap of more or less three months after which they start to ask you again whether you met someone interesting. In the time when you’re single they ask you whether you’re not too picky, they remind you you’re not getting any younger, they enumerate your friends who already have families and even point at your personal traits as potential partner deterrents (“you’ve always been a bit difficult”). In doing that they don’t help you find the right partner. They make you resent them and feel bad about yourself. Bad news is that it never ends. Get a boyfriend and they’ll start to mention moving in together, then marriage and finally kids. You can never be where your parents think you should be. Even if you feel happy they’ll make you question it.

Another thing is the choice of partner which parents tend to disapprove of. The good news is that the closer you get to your 30th birthday the less pressure they put on the choice of a partner (just get one already!). You can’t be too picky if your child is a slightly-aged good that’s approaching their “sell by” date. When I was younger, however, my mother used to disapprove of my partners on silly grounds such as – comes from a small village, different nationality, a journalist (not a serious profession), must be lying about him being a doctor etc,etc. The rule seemed always the same – get someone but we both now that someone will never reach my expectations.

The most twisted things about the parents is that they do all that because they love us and THINK that what worked for them and what they think is right will work for us. Only that times have changed. We reach independence later partly because of the labour market that exploits students and young professionals, partly because every one else does. A wedding isn’t something girls write about in their diaries every day anymore. Like children we want it but  someday somehow and not right here right now. When we find someone special we want to live and experience life together but the rest isn’t a priority. After all if others are preggies only after 30 why do we have to cut our life enjoyment short? Because our parents think we should?

Parents want to help but often instead of doing that they become a nagging presence that’s never happy with what is. Maybe through their children they’re trying to sort out their own lives, maybe they can’t accept that their children are adults and actually know what is good for them and what makes them happy. They should really just chill.

So Dear Rinsers, have you experienced parental pressure and other instances of parents thinking they know what’s good for you? Share your stories.

Advertisements

40 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · November 24, 2015

    I had pressure from my mother with my ex wife when we were engaged my mother said “The only reason why you want to get married is because you want to have sex.” So I replied at least I am doing it the right way. Mind you I was 21 and was about to get married. She didn’t think I was ready at the time. Parents never think their children are ready especially when they are young like that. Guess what? I went head and got married and stayed married for 32 years. It wasn’t always easy and things did eventually end. I can see both sides of this post but one thing to realize in your culture like mine we do have a choice to pick who we wish to spend time with would we date and eventually marry. In some cultures parents arrange marriages and you and I would have no choice in the matter and then meet that person the day of the wedding and then learn that person, be married and make it work and maybe fall in love with that person. That is a real challenge to be sure. it’s not fair to say all parents don’t know what’s best for their children, many times you as a parent see a path your child is walking down as dangerous long before they do and you try to redirect their path before it becomes too late. One day should you become a parent you may re- read this post and feel differently . But today I get your point, although not all parents are like you describe.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · November 24, 2015

      Arranged marriages deserve a whole post of their own…I’m actually trying to do some field research into it myself 😉 The lengths we go to give you a good blog post, hey?

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 24, 2015

        Lol but that’s what make us loyal readers is the work that gets put into your posts.:)

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

        In response to your point below, I agree with #zlotybaby regarding the fiance situation. We need to make mistakes, if we don’t pursue things that could potentially fail we will always be wondering what if. There’ll be regrets either way – but I couldn’t live with the whole wondering what could have been. Its better to say I should have listened to the elders than hating on them for not letting you follow your Prince Charming.

        Liked by 2 people

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        I have a feeling that later in lie both of you will look at your statements now and feel differently then

        Like

      • EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

        It’s a fine line I think. If you keep making the same mistake over and over again…then fair enough family/friends can intervene. But as long as we learn from our mistakes and aren’t crippled by them, then parents should let us learn the ‘hard way’.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        That’s such a rough way to learn though. Today that may seem wise but belive me in the years to come you will feel differently on this.

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

        True. But as they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Most of us have been through heartbreak. Would we wish it upon our future kids? Never. But if you could go back and erase every past experience/relationship

        Liked by 2 people

      • EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

        ….would u? I probably wouldn’t. The mistakes teach you want/need from a relationship so when the right one does come along you know. We also learn about ourselves and what not to do in future relationships if they want them to succeed

        Like

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        I often think about question alot.

        Like

      • EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

        We probably will, you are right. But remember our parents generation faced a different set of challenges from our grandparents. Unless you come from one of those cultures that stay the same and there are no rebels in the blood line things are bound to change from generation to generation.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        Even if that is true that previous generations had different challenges one thing still remains true, they have a vested interest in your future and at they core truly want the best for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

        Of course they WANT what’s best for us. Nobody is denying that. What we are saying is that they don’t necessarily KNOW what’s best for us (maybe we don’t either). What was best for them half a century ago is not the same as what is best for their kid now.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        They don’t know? Wow that kind of a low opinion of the people who raised you don’t you think? Understand I have adult kids your age and yes there are times when after discussing things with them let them make their own decisions, but if I see real danger ahead… bet on it the parent in me will come out. Parents don’t get to be hip and smart people like you are right now to being out of touch generationally.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        Not everything nerds to be learned the hard way in order to prevent from wondering what if. Sometimes it better to say thank god that didn’t happen the way I was hoping. ..it would have been a disaster

        Like

    • zlotybaby · November 25, 2015

      I think that redirecting your adult children is a good idea but if they don’t listen you should let them go. My mom was very insistent that my fiancé wasn’t the right one for me. She was right. However, I needed to understand that myself. Good and bad choices must be ours whether our parents like it or not.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        But don’t you think being stubborn added to the grief and could have saved you

        Like

      • zlotybaby · November 25, 2015

        I wasn’t being stubborn. I loved the guy and I needed to learn that love isn’t always enough and that people should first and foremost treat you well. If you don’t learn yourself and quit because someone else suggested it you’ll always wonder about what ifs. It needs to be your decision.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        But you knew your mother had your best interest at heart right?

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · November 25, 2015

        Yes and no. My mother is more complicated than that 😉

        Liked by 2 people

      • bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

        Give her enough credit to realize she things through a different set of eyes and what seems smart to you today she may have already lived painfully in the past.

        Like

  2. patriciamanning · November 24, 2015

    You can try to lack in other areas, like career; it totally takes off the pressure of parents (I am reading that you are referring to our lovely mothers more than fathers) desire to see you hitched!

    Haha, I am kind of kidding, as I have heard it works. My dad has never said two words on the subject and my mother only wants my happiness. She wanted grandchildren, and still does, but has released me from the idea that I would be married before having them. So I have no pressure to find a guy. I will never settle for anything mediocre (this is going to be my quote I will die saying).

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · November 25, 2015

      My father is more concerned about my career choices as not being good enough. Romantically he always used to ask me whether there’s s boyfriend and that’s what makes him happy.

      Like

  3. EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

    I think the decent parents in this world have good intentions and we should try to see the positives in their interference despite the annoyance. I mean at least they care enough to voice an opinion – there are lots of horrible chav-ish parents who are too self absorbed and continuing to make babies of their own (you know they started when they were like 12 so can still be at it when their earlier offspring are in their 20s) to really be bothered. Plus, parents are the people that have known us longest and have seen us go through all our various phases so they are technically quite well placed to have an opinion. That however doesn’t mean they know whats best.

    Like you said, our elders can’t always relate because they were young in a different era. Many of them settled down with the first person that came along and made things work. I wouldn’t say our situation is better but we certainly have more choice, especially as women. We have the chance to try out a few things (career, men, travel) before deciding to settle down.The whole concept of Tinder is unfathomable to our parents generation. But times change.

    Also, I think its one thing when the elders want whats best for us. But constant comparisons don’t help. Just because the girl next door got married and popped out a few kids doesn’t mean she’d happy. Everyone is on their own path and parents should remember the 7 yr rule and they need to ask themselves whether they really want to be bankrolling us after a divorce. Just saying.

    Like

  4. bklynboy59 · November 25, 2015

    Your last comment about bank rolling after divorce …why would you think like that? Why would any adult want to go back home to their parents for any amount of time and money, I don’t mean to visit but to live there??? Maybe that is the difference between now and back in the day , back in the day it was never an option to go back home now it is an option that parents extend to their kids freely…scary.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · November 26, 2015

      If you need confirmation that our generation are a bunch of mummy’s boys/more reliant on our parents here is some info to back up my comment about the olds bankrolling our divorces : http://time.com/4108515/millennials-live-at-home-parents/?xid=time_socialflow_facebook

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · November 26, 2015

        I understand but why seriously would anyone want to rely on their parents after such a tough divorce and then move back home?

        Like

      • EnglishRosiee · November 26, 2015

        Cos our generation aren’t as tough as previous ones. We need comfort and security from people that love us 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 26, 2015

        That sounds like an excuse to be lazy …I had the comfort and security of my parents but it never occurred to me at the first sign of trouble to run back home.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 26, 2015

        It make no sense

        Like

      • bklynboy59 · November 26, 2015

        The link you sent me is more about women living at home more so than the men

        Like

      • EnglishRosiee · November 26, 2015

        I know but you get the point. This is because we still earn less (I think the stat is 0.75 to every dollar our male equivalent earns) More young people are living at home and reliant on their parents..

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 26, 2015

        Wimps I say lol

        Liked by 1 person

  5. EnglishRosiee · November 25, 2015

    LOL. I am afraid to tell you that many, many, many people my age still live at home with their olds. Its not as prevalent in South Africa than it is in the UK, but I’ve been on many dates with many real life mummy’s boys (and whats worse they are not even ashamed of it). Its pretty crazy. I think many people may even rush into marriage to get out of home.

    Still what I am saying in divorce can be expensive. So best not to rush or be forced into marriage. It’s better that the parents calm themselves and stop planning huge weddings for their kids and become more aware that divorce rates are higher in this generation – and they who pressurised their kid into settling may be forced to foot the financial and emotional bill that comes with the break-up.

    Like

  6. Pingback: To have or not to have… children | rinse before use
  7. Pingback: Does Living with the Olds = The Death of Romantic Relations? | rinse before use
  8. Pingback: The Slow Burn | rinse before use
  9. Pingback: Happily Single? | rinse before use
  10. Pingback: Review : Everything, Everything – An Epic Tale of Forbidden ‘Love’ and Life on House Arrest | rinse before use

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s