It’s not going to happen: Ghosting vs Overtalking

goss.ie

My friend and colleague #englishrosiee has discussed before decent ways of breaking up with someone. What, however, if the liaison was only just starting or even before the first date one side decided it’s not going to happen? How should we say goodbye then?

Rejection is never an easy feeling to deal with. It doesn’t matter whether we really liked someone or not, we don’t like to be the one who’s going to be told “I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s going to work out”. On the other hand if nothing is said at all and the person just stops talking to us (ghosts us) we’re even more upset.

Let’s have a look at ghosting first. You’re talking to someone you’ve met in real life or on Internet dating. It seems to be going well. Then all of a sudden the other side that seemed so eager starts to reply less often and eventually not at all. It feels bad and we’re trying to figure out what went wrong. Maybe you’ll send few more messages but the conversation just lost its spark. What should you do? In my opinion nothing. As shit as it feels if you actually saw the potential, you must just leave it. You need two to tango and it’s sending a desperate vibe if you keep chasing someone you spoke to for a few days or even saw but only a handful of times. If you force them to tell you “what happened” they’ll probably give you the real reason which isn’t much more pleasant. That leads me to the second technique which is overtalking.

Ages ago, in my single times, I went out on a date with a guy that was both smart and not an absolute ogre. The conversation was intellectually engaging but there wasn’t really much spark and we lived far from one another. I thought I should give it one more date,  even though my gut feelings were telling me we wouldn’t work out. Maybe it’s a female thing that we tend to try too much sometimes. Anyway, after the date we chatted for a while and then he stopped talking to me. I should have left it at being ghosted. But no, I needed the reason why (didn’t I truly know it myself?). At the date he mentioned he didn’t like stupid and fat girls so I sent him a message asking him which one was I for him to go silent, wink wink. My oh my, I got what I wanted. In an essay he wrote back he said that I was attractive and smart (duh!) but that there was no spark and that it didn’t really make sense for us to go on a second date especially given where I lived (plus, a bit of  his dating story and about his fear of commitment). I felt more rejected (and humiliated too) after this conversation than before. Ghosting isn’t the worst thing after all, it seems.

Do I have any tips on how to say goodbye early? Make it quick. Say you’re not feeling the blues and don’t go into details. If a person insists on trying to convince you just keep telling them you’re not feeling it and then you can stop replying. This is the world of dating. There’s someone right for you out there and you just can’t force things.

Dear Rinsers, what’s your opinion on the matter? What’s better in the early days? Are you a ghost or are you an overtalker? Share your stories in the comments below.

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15 comments

  1. bklynboy59 · November 3, 2015

    It’s a real simple yet powerful saying… treat others the wa y you want to be treated. Always state why you are breaking up with the person unless of course there is some physical abuse going then in that case it’s clear cut. It’s not just those younger who ghost people it is immature to ghost simply because if we in the reverse situation we would want to know the reason for the breakup. Hence treat others how you want to be treated.

    Like

    • zlotybaby · November 4, 2015

      Sure, but I wonder whether at a really early stage anything more than “I’m sorry, I’m really not feeling the blues” is needed. Also if it’s just chatting if you just stop replying the above is understandable. I remember a guy who on the second day of chatting told me he told his friends about me. It freaked me out and I was getting less responsive. I didn’t ghost him but just was giving shorter replies until it eventually died out.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 4, 2015

        Why did it freak you out? He apparently excited about you. You get excited about other guys so why freak out?

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · November 12, 2015

        He was overbearing. I think you should tame yourself early on. Slow and steady is the way.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · November 12, 2015

        Ok maybe I am wrong but I think you got a taste of life on the other side because you said yourself there are times you get excited about a certain guy…yet he could see you as overbearing correct? I agree slow and steady usually works best .

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      • zlotybaby · November 12, 2015

        I was super excited about my boyfriend before we met and started dating. I was seeing him a lot at the early stage but still maintaining a healthy social life. People change their mind early. You shouldn’t jump into things. There’s no rush. If it’s right it’s right.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. patriciamanning · November 3, 2015

    I ghost, I always have… Seriously, I have had guys send me messages asking if they ever get to see me again. This only works if you wouldn’t normally run into them again. I guess I am more accepting of ghosting done because of this. I would be lying if I write this never bothers me, because occasionally the date went really well. However , in these situations the guy is usually the male version of me and I just remind myself of my issues and insecurities and get over it. Ultimately, it is very important to always remind yourself that confidence/self esteem is internal and not connected to outside people’s judgment of you. Ghosting is definitely not about who the person is; it is about that intangible energy connection or lack there of, or a bazillion things that has nothing to do with the other person!

    Liked by 1 person

    • bklynboy59 · November 3, 2015

      so why take it out on them by ghosting ? It seems like such an inpersonal way to avoid person to person contact

      Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · November 4, 2015

      Your last sentence is true but we all know that even if we repeat it a thousand times, it’s still bitter. I was once ghosted by a guy who I was seeing for nearly two months. I’d think this requires an actual conversation but then at such early stages of it’s not working out, it’s not working out. There’s nothing to save or work on. That’s why I think sometimes it’s a better option than a humiliating conversation.

      Like

  3. EnglishRosiee · November 4, 2015

    Generally, I think ghosting is wrong. However, when a guy who you’ve had two whatsapp conversations provides an essay on why he thinks you guys aren’t compatible…hmm it’s like really?!?! Maybe there is a time and place for ghosting. I don’t really think you can potentially hurt the feelings of someone you’ve never met so really overtalking isn’t called for in such situations.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · November 12, 2015

      I think even if you didn’t meet the person there may be disappointment if you liked them and they didn’t like you back. Still, at the early stage I think keep it sweet and short is the way.

      Like

      • EnglishRosiee · November 12, 2015

        True…rejection is always a dent into the ego, however silly it seems.

        Like

      • zlotybaby · November 12, 2015

        Also I think it feels particularly bad if you actually weren’t that much into a person but was giving them a chance and then their reject you.

        Like

  4. Pingback: ‘Breadcrumbing’ – Is Half-Heartedness Really All That New? | rinse before use

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