The title may be misleading so let me quickly explain – this post isn’t going to be about kidnappers or other sorts of sexual predators. It’s about people who are takers but not givers and who expect but don’t set the same expectations for themselves.
Lets start with a superficial example of beauty. People who let themselves go food wise, rarely exercise and don’t pay any attention to what they wear should only expect the same from their significant potential/current significant others. Right? Right – but this isn’t how Takers work. The lower the expectations towards themselves (“I’m the way I am and people should love me the way I am”) certain people have, the higher the expectations towards their SOs (“You must try harder if you want me”). You can see exactly what they feel insecure about in what they’re mostly criticizing other for – be it lack of fitness, weight or dress code. The reason for that is simple. Instead of looking at themselves and noticing that what they accuse others of having is truly what they don’t like about themselves they choose to be in denial. Self-work and self-awareness are not easy tasks and it’s much easier to hate, criticize and surround themselves by people with similar sense of entitlement.
Beauty or being well-groomed is of course not the only expectation of the Takers. They equally expect the partners they date to be educated and have successful careers at the same time constantly reminding them that their career doesn’t in fact make that much money and they are wiser choices that could have been made. The Taker will make one of these choices at some point in his life but he just doesn’t feel like making them right now. In fact, the only reason why he’s not a multimillionaire is because the world is conspiring against him. Still, he is better than you because he won’t settle for whatever silly job you have that pays the silly money that you earn. When he works, he’ll make a million every day. That will happen too, just not at thus very moment. At the moment criticizing you and making you feel bad because of his shortcomings is much more important.
What about the emotional level? The Takers are particularly widespread among bad boys. They’ll take all and expect all but will give nothing and feel very confused if the other side expects anything from them. They’ll take your time, they’ll take your commitment, they’ll take your fidelity. Don’t expect to get the same in return. Some will say that they can only take as much as the other person gives but these people may have a different psychological set up and know their boundaries better than the victims of emotional takers. The victims feel bad if they do anything that could upset the Taker and put their lives on hold hoping that one day they’ll start giving back. Only that, giving isn’t in agreement with what a Taker believes in. He seems to value solely taking and the moment the taking stops he moves on to his next victim.
What to do if you recognize dating Takers as your pattern? Don’t let them. Work on yourself, work on your self-esteem and self-love. You deserve to see what you are in your partner. If you’re not yet what you want to see in your partner, don’t nurture entitlement but work on yourself. Don’t become a Taker, and don’t let people make you a Giver.