The Strong Silent Type – Why Men Should Be Seen and Not Heard

strong and silent tyoe

Right off the bat, let me say, I am NOT a hater of men. I’ve had too much exposure to Sad Spinsters to understand that no matter how much one has been burnt, turning your back on the opposite sex gets you nowhere (except maybe to the land of the Sex Droughts). And regardless, we need men to make babies and do some basic heavy-lifting.

Y’all already know I have a thing for old-school Alpha males but I’m beginning to think that the few that are left in the world are all too busy running around on a rugby field with blood streaming down their faces to be available for a date. Most ‘men’ I encounter on my day-to-day interaction with the Tinderverse and beyond, are far removed for the strong silent type of yesteryear.

The modern ‘man’ it seems likes to talk about his feelings, whether us ladies want to hear about it or not. And, no I’m not saying we’re any better, but nobody really denies that women can be naggy. But can you blame us these days when we are constantly having to listen to all our ever-so-sensitive boys complaining about how they just broke a freshly-manicured fingernail whilst trying on their fabulous new reindeer jumper.

Like I was saying, blokes these days like to talk and it’s no longer just about sport. Nowadays they feel the need to offer their not-so-humble opinions on everything from the quality of a girl’s OKC profile to her eating habits. Talking is not in itself a bad thing, (none of us really want to date Mr Monosyllabic either) and as they say ‘it’s good to talk’ but I do wish some dudes would think before opening their big phat mouths.

If you have nothing nice to say….

Remember back when you were a kid and you visited that boring aunty who really couldn’t cook. You weren’t allowed to complain though, so you just shut up, swallowed the ‘food’ and twiddled your thumbs. The reason you didn’t let the inner restaurant critic speak out was because you knew your mean words wouldn’t serve a purpose other than to probably send that 50-year old virgin over the edge. Sadly, it seems that some of our mama’s boys were never taught this basic lesson in decency. Telling a girl that her nose is skew or that she is of below average intelligence isn’t going to win you any fans.

Silence is Golden

I don’t agree with ghosting. Vanishing out of a person’s life is just not nice (they might be concerned that you’ve gone on a Dewani Township Tour of SA). But sometimes, sending a OKC girl you’ve only WhatsApp’d a handful of times a short essay saying she’s a prude and you are looking for ‘a physical connection’ before anything else is just pathetic. Best you just visit Mavericks and get some much needed matter for the wank bank. Oh and just remember Cape Town’s a small place…that essay you sent, it’s probably gone viral by now.

There are bigger problems in the world….

Man-flu – awwww poor baby. Ugh, while women deal with their monthly cycle, the pain associated with intimate hair removal and child birth, there you are crying about the frigging common cold! Boys, we DO NOT care. Suck it up! It’s so annoying having to hear men these days moaning about such minor ailments, while others are busy battling cancer and trying to save the world. Purleaase, if these guys want someone to kiss their forehead and wipe their snotty nose why don’t they call up their mama. And those of them that claim that they have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because their parents never bought them that bike they wanted when they were 3. Pah, go seek some professional help…elsewhere!

Bring back the STRONG SILENT type!!

Now Rinsers, have your say. Are the boys of today just a bunch of whingers? Do you think the ‘men’ of today should been seen and not heard? And dudes, you have been given permission to speak (but only in the comments below)…


Social Media Attention Seekers

FacebookIn the times of Facebook and other social media attention seekers have a whole new platform to complain, brag and in general to make sure that everyone knows what’s bugging them at the moment. In relation to dating I think it’s just a good thing to have access to our potential love interest’s social media as it allows us to get a bit more insight into their thinking and possibly notice red flags.

Don’t get me wrong, we ALL like to occasionally seek attention on Facebook, especially if we’re maybe feeling a bit under the weather and need support. These you-look-awesomes and it-will-all-work-out-wells can be very consoling at times. However there’s a difference between occasional weakness and constant production of similar contents. Let’s have a look at the following categories of Social Media Attention Seekers:

1.Look How Beautiful I Am when I’m Half Naked

We’re not talking selfies, we’re not talking fancy clothes, we’re talking bikinis (not worn on the beach) and lingerie. You sort of wonder what sort of attention this girl seeking. There’s no doubt that she’s good looking but does everyone she knows or rather has on Facebook has to know how she looks like without clothes? The extreme version of these are pictures suggesting that they’re actually naked and only covering up their most intimate parts. Maybe I’m being a prude but I honestly can’t see another reason for these behaviors than trying to fill the void where self-esteem should be by getting comments about looking good half-naked.

2. I Am Very Sad and/or Angry 😦

Ah! You would think that the times of wanting all world to know how unhappy we are and that our parents are THE WORST parents in the world finishes somewhere around 16. Clearly not for everyone. Some people still find some twisted pleasure in posting their every tiny unhappy moment including #themilkhasgoneoff and #someoneparkedatmyplace. Some of these people should realise how lucky they are. I don’t think it’s healthy to remind ourselves at all times that there are starving children everywhere around but maybe our friend’s car accident could put the horrible tale of how we had to go all the way to the shop to get a new carton of milk a bit into perspective.

3. I’m an Activist and I’m Changing the World

It’s good to have a cause in life. It’s even good to share things that you think are important on Facebook even if it’s the fact that a horrible polititcal party won the elections in Poland that everyone else has already shared. However, what isn’t that great is constantly reminding people around what your cause is. The moment everything you put on social media from your private account (!) relates to this one issue it just becomes too much. Your Facebook friends didn’t join a website educating the about the right to contraception, the evils of religions or animal testing, they become friends with you for the person you are and you are surely much more than your cause.

I’m sure I’ve been guilty of many of these in the past and we occasionally do silly stuff. Remember, however, that the abovementioned behaviors may make you send red flags to people. If there’s so much of you on Facebook people may start to wonder whether you only live on the Internet. You can either try to be more moderate in your behaviors OR simply make sure that when you become Facebook friends with someone you like, they already like you back and it’s too late for them to run away.

So, Dear Rinsers, are you guilty of these behaviors? Do you find them irritating? Tell us your #story 😉

Slow-mance Vs. No-mance

Maybe it’s due to me being a hopeless romantic or my general obsession about beating my biological clock but I have a habit of rushing into things. I’ve declared my undying love to a person and moved in with them after a few days, pursued a long-distance relationship after a few weeks and relocated to another continent for love (see I don’t always over-think my decisions).

Rushing things can work sometimes, if both parties are in that frame of mind. I’m not the only loser…I’ve had a bloke tell me that we’d make beautiful babies (luckily I was in agreement so he didn’t get completely kicked to the kerb). However, if two people are not on the same page then making such epic declarations can simply be foolish. For instance, I still LOL thinking about the dude that asked me whether I’d consider a long-distance relationship between Cape Town and Jo’burg on the second date.

And the truth is while I may be happy to throw caution to the wind on occasion, the general consensus is that you can’t hurry love (you just have to wait). In this day and age, it’s not socially acceptable to be eager. It’s always better to play it cool because if you come across as too much of keen bean you are likely to send the other party running for hills. Maybe this is again due to the abundance of choice available to us. Who needs to settle when we have access to never ending swipes on Tinder Plus 😉 ?

There are also lots of people who believe that if it’s meant to be, your dreamboat is going to be worth waiting for. For some, a romantic ‘relationship’ where you see each other once every so often and allow things to progress slowly (aka a slow-mance) works because you know we are all busy people. After all, between work, getting drunk with your buddies and various extra-curricular activities, most people have very limited time for romantic pursuits anyway, right?

I think however there comes a time, in this age of game-playing when one has to ask themselves whether our potential love interest is busy sorting out their life or actually using us as their back pocket girl?  Giving us just enough attention to think that there is some hope while in fact there busy trying out every other singleton in town. But doesn’t there come a point when you have to ask ‘What are we?‘ and upon not getting the desired answer, simply NEXT the asinine idiot ?

At the end of the day, I guess it depends what you are after. Hooking-up once every couple of months is fine if it’s a FWB arrangement. But how about when you see him as the future father of your babies while he considers you to be nothing more than another notch of his bed post? Should alarm bells ring if he says he’ll pencil you into his diary for sometime in the new year? How long should one realistically let such an engagement drag on before the slow-mance becomes better defined as a no-mance (where one or both parties effectively carry on with the ‘relationship’ till a better option comes along)?

Expectations on how fast things should move in a successful romantic entanglement obviously depend on the individuals involved. But I would say the pressure is on, especially for us girls, who can’t escape the constant tick tock of our biological clocks. It’s rather worrying though when you contemplate such things. It might all seem like fun chasing that guy from one nightclub to the next and partying all crazy, but before you know it you might just wake up one day and while you’ve been busy slow-mancing a commitment-phobe, all your friends have shacked up (probably settled for a safe option) and there you left on the shelf all on your lonesome?

Alrighty Rinsers share your thoughts on slow-mances. Are they a good thing? Or simply a tool for commitment-phobes? And when should a person cut their losses in such long-drawn out affairs and admit defeat to the no-mance?      

Felicity – The Over-Thinker


According to a dear friend of mine, I needed to watch this 90s throwback series as I am apparently very much like the main character, Felicity Porter (well when you all the drama, including car crashes, house break-ins and broken hearted Tinder boys that I attract into my own life I really do think a series called #englishrosiee would make for really good prime time TV).

Anyways, this somewhat dated series starts with this bookish, slightly awkward chick. Felicity flipping her life plans around and chasing her ‘dream’ man Ben Covington to New York based on some stupid comment he wrote in her year book (yeah, yeah … clutching at straws and New York isn’t really deepest darkest Africa, so my story beats her).

While Felicity is not necessarily the most gripping TV series known to man, it is strangely addictive. I think this is mainly because people warm to the main character – Felicity is the typical good girl who chases that troubled pet-project bad boy. Viewers get to watch as Felicity manouveres her way through university life and deals with all the conventional young girl relationship issues such as her best friend going after her man thus becoming a frenemy, stalking guys she likes (remember this is the pre-Facebook era so she actually has to go trawl through paper documents) and generally realising life isn’t all hearts and flowers but is instead full of cheaters, beaters and mummy boys. The main thing about Felicity is that she likes to over-analyze everything, weigh up the pros and cons of her actions (and send voice recordings about her life troubles to her ex-French tutor) and form all these deep meaningful connections with men.

However, what I think what the brains behind the series are trying to get at in their portrayal of Felicity is that when it comes to love, relationships and such while it’s good to put some thought thing (as in not acting on your animalistic instincts alone) – even the best thought-out schemes won’t necessarily go to plan. And that’s totally OK because sometimes you just need to go with it.

Basically, what Felicity learns through her first year at university are that human beings are strange, volatile creatures. There are times when you know a person inside out or have spent months psycho-analysing them, but chances are somewhere along the line they’ll act unpredictably. I’m not saying we shouldn’t trust people (because then you’ll just end up a Sad Spinster and we wouldn’t want that) but just understand that relationships aren’t ever going to be static (and that’s part of the fun).

What the series shows is that not everything is meant to last forever but that doesn’t mean it’s pointless and unnecessary. Sometimes one doesn’t need to spend forever and day deciding when the best panty-dropping time is (Felicity ends up giving up her V-Card to a random despite basically writing a PhD on how the moment should pan out). Sometimes it’s OK to do something for the hell of it. It may not necessarily be a good thing, but it might teach a valuable life lesson and some much needed life experience.

Over to you Rinsers… Have you seen this series? What are your thoughts? Do you think it’s a waste of time over-thinking matters of the heart ? And is sometimes better to just go with things and deal with the consequences later?

Fights, disagreements and how to deal with them

fightingWhen we start to date someone we usually somehow naively think that everything is going to go well and smoothly at all times and there won’t be ever any disagreements. Maybe it’s the silly notion of “two becoming one” (lalalala #spicegirlsqueensoftheworld) that makes us think that or maybe it’s the need to be better than other people in never fighting. Who knows? In any case, as much as we may be similar to our partner we are different people and we will occasionally disagree. I think the question isn’t if it happens but rather how to deal with it when it does.

I’d love to just tell you shortly that the best way to deal with disagreements is  “not to behave like my mom” and finish the post but I think that the notion may be a bit vague for you 😉 Anyway, it’s her behavior with me yesterday that made me realize how people should and shouldn’t behave when dealing with people, especially the ones they love.

First and foremost, you should understand when a healthy disagreement happens. It’s when two people have different opinions and they’re trying to reach a solution that’s acceptable for both sides. A fight entitled “You forgot this and that” should shift from being about finger pointing and making the other person feel bad to finding a solution. Of course, sometimes we’re upset and it’s difficult not to lose it. However, if you expressed how the situation makes you feel, the other side apologized and promised to amend the behavior, there’s no point in going on and on about. What do you want them to do now? Start self-flogging?

I think it’s equally important to understand that the things people do are often not about you. People are not perfect and they often make mistakes even if they don’t mean to. At the end of the day no one “makes you feel”. What people do is their responsibility and how you feel about that is yours. If you’re looking for signs of disrespect and lack of love everywhere it’s on you. If someone forgot an important day for you and it’s not their habit, you can by all means tell them you’re upset. Complaining about the world in relation to that situation and enumerating the culprit’s flaws is an overstretch of the situation. Much of how you feel about what people do to you is a reflection of how you actually feel about yourself. Work on the latter, that’s the only area you have control over.

Last but not least don’t add unnecessary drama. Don’t use such words as “always” and “never” because they’re often not true and make people resent you. Try to treat every event as singular or at least don’t bring in unrelated fights. If something is a reoccurring event it’ll magnify your reaction but try to keep it focused. Mentioning a similar situation may make sense but saying that you also got upset about something unrelated doesn’t. Don’t go on and on about things either – you sent a message and the message was received, leave it. Most importantly, don’t make it your aim to make someone feel shit. You may make your point and make sure that after they upset you, you made them feel equally horrible and that you proved them wrong. The question is what for? It won’t improve the situation, only start to create bad feelings for the future.

There are situations in life when we don’t agree with our loved ones. It’s up to you to make use of these situations, reach compromises and look for solutions OR to make sure that you prove people wrong and that you make them understand that. I assure you that the latter won’t give you lasting and loving relationships.

Now to you Dear Rinsers – how do you approach fights? Are you a Drama Creator or a Solution Seeker? Do you indulge in proving others wrong or do you dislike fighting and try to find compromises?

Home Wrecker! – Is the existence of the Other Woman ever justified?

homewrecker/other woman

By now most of us have realised that this world is a not such a perfect place and certainly not the land of butterflies and talking teapots that Disney promised. The world is full of bad, bad men (and women). People who are so damaged that they get kicks out of inflicting pain on others. Even those who are not total Ashley Madison type lost causes are still out there looking for a quick hook-up. It seems like the option of having a wholesome, decent relationship/marriage is no longer appealing to much of society – why stick to one man/women all your life when you can have your pick of them with such easy access to orgies, swinger’s parties and strip clubs?

The fact is though, we are all part of this hopeless place in which we reside not just innocent bystanders as we’d like to think. The sad truth is not everyone scouting for ‘love’ is necessarily going to be single. The best proof of this are the many ‘single men’ who use pictures of themselves alongside their brides on Tinder. The chances are at some point all of us hotties are likely to be propositioned by a guy who is already attached in some way, whether it be that they are married, engaged or in some sort of decade long loveless relationship will a troll-ess. And yes, maybe he is smoking hot and charming (hence his ability to play the field as he does) – but is it ever OK to consider becoming his Other Woman (OW)?

Of course it’s not wrong to consider the option. After all, you are a free agent and it’s a free market economy. One could argue that in a place like Cape Town where there are 8 women to every man, it’s up to the chicks who have men to keep them suitably entertained. Because if they can’t, the man’s eyes are bound to wander and will eventually land on some other pretty little thing. And all is fair in Love and War, right?

Hmmm…. Even if one looks at it from a purely selfish point of view and says why should I care about the feelings of his no-name chick at home?  It’s important to think about the wider implications of our actions – on his SO, the kids, on him, on yourself and society in general. At the end of the day, if you don’t become the Home Wrecker in this situation, an unsatisfied man will surely find someone else to be his bit on the side? Exactly! There you have the answer…you are replaceable! Regardless of what he says and however good looking he is, the truth is he is a CHEATER. As the famous saying goes – if he cheats WITH you, he’ll cheat ON you.   

So if the fact that by becoming a Home Wrecker your actions are likely to cause intense heartbreak to some poor chick and maybe some even more innocent kids (cos you know these cheaters are probably hiding a handful legit babies at home) isn’t enough justification not to act, ask yourself, whether you really want to pursue something with such morally-inept jerk? Yes, there are instances where the OW eventually becomes the Wifey. But really is this how we want our fairytale to begin? Do you really want to the Oscar for best supporting actress in yet another one of these sordid stories that litters our world?

No! Remember you are a Princess, The Leading Lady, not just a lowly OW!! Maybe, you are experiencing a severe sex drought and a romp in a field of daisies seems like a great idea, but its not (you are not an ANIMAL!). I understand it sometimes feels like Prince Charming is never going to arrive, but he is on his way I promise. So don’t lower yourself to the level of this cheater, don’t be a Home Wrecker! Send this silly fool on his way in the direction of some Long Street hooker, or if he is a tech-savvy kinda fella give him a link to Ashley Madison and CC his SO into the email. And then get on with your life and find yourself a real Mr Darcy.

So Rinsers, please provide your insights and moral wisdom in the comments below. Feel free to hate on OWs if you’d like. Or maybe you are/were an OW and you’d like to share your experiences with us…Go ahead!

“Wood Job” – Love and Life in the Rural Japan

Wood jobNot many people knew about it, because the Japanese embassy doesn’t seem to be great with social media, but there was a Japanese film festival in Cinema Nouveau in Waterfront last weekend. As film festivals in Cape Town don’t happen at all and then happen all at once, I only managed to see one Japanese movie (the tickets were free of charge) as I had my pre arrangements for Shnit (Short film festival). My choice was to see “Wood Job” as it had quite a good rating on the ultimate source of film reference the Polish IMDb, Filmweb.

Yuki, a young man who doesn’t seem to have a goal in life fails his matric exam. His girlfriend doesn’t want to date a loser and suggests they have a break. He goes out to get drunk with his friends and relieve the pain. They all know that they’re going to continue their education at university so their presence is depressing rather than helpful. Clueless about what to do the following year he lets destiny make a choice for him. A pretty face of Naoki, advertising a lumberjack training on a leaflet ,lures the city man into the wild woods.

“Wood Job” is a coming of age story in which the tough life of a lumberjack teaches a man to respect nature, life and others. Of course, there’s the lady from the advertising leaflet involved too. Unfortunately, the story is quite typical and there’s a lot of predictability. The overly sentimental vision of life in a remote village, where “true values still count” is also quite cliche.

Nevertheless, the movie is an interesting watch mostly because it’s set in Japan and gives a peek into a world we know little about. Love hotels, fertility rituals, condoms – it would seem that love in Japan is very sexual and naturalistic. There’s also a lot of sex related humor. The sexualization, however, is only superficial as everything is suggested but there are no actual love scenes on the screen. The hottest it gets are quick martial pecks.

The feature is also not deprived of humour which isn’t a surprise in the case of a comedy. Even though the jokes are not the most sophisticated it’s still difficult not to laugh. The humor along with its thick layer of sugar coating would suggest that the film isn’t to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, it seems like the director’s intention was to send a message and according to me the delivery failed. Love is no better in the woods because there’s no choice in terms of partners and you just have to settle. Lack of diversity may be a blessing if you’re lucky but may as well turn out to be a curse. People are always people and they are not any better because they live in a village. Life isn’t that simple and both cities and villages have their disadvantages.

To sum up, “Wood Job” is an interesting watch but it’s a bit just too sweet and just a bit too simpleminded.

Hot Girls, we have problems too!

People think that being hot is only a blessing.  I’d like to shed some light on the DARK SIDE of the issue.

  1. People (women) immediately assume you’re stupid.

Hotness is usually a mixture of being endowed by Mother Nature and being well-groomed. Particularly the latter makes females think that if you pay attention to your looks you are hiding deficiencies in the brain department. As a result if you’re a fan of such things as sarcasm, irony and dark humor you have to deal with the fact that until people (mostly women) know you they assume that you’re being serious and most of your ridiculous statements that are clearly jokes will result in face palms and gossiping behind your back. On the bright side, as you get older you notice that the looks and the assumptions are coming from those who feel insecure about themselves and individuals with a healthy self-esteem won’t be initially judgmental.

2. Men give you lots of unwanted attention

Don’t you dare to put on a dress or Satan forbid high heels. In fact, stop putting on any make up and preferably stop any cosmetic treatments. If you bathe you’re clearly asking for attention! And if you’re asking for attention why don’t you reply to every single guy who catcalls you on the streets of the beautiful RS and A? Be nice to all of them and preferably stop by and have a small chat, otherwise you’re being rude. And if they ask for your number as a result? Well, you know, you can’t have it both ways – either stop seducing these poor innocent men with your Jezebel look or deal with the consequences!

3. Truly shallow people think you’re one of them

Ah yes! Because paying attention to your looks of course always means that this is the only thing that you’re interested in, hot girls experience elevated interest from people who think that not looking good is a crime and should be punished. After all the unfriendly women you’ve met in your life you may feel tempted to become friendly with them. However, after few sessions of hardcore drinking that would make you have conversation topics with a cow, you realize that all beauty and style related conversations are not really your vibe. Besides, as this environment is based on beauty only there’s always going to be someone prettier, slimmer and better dressed than you and trying to make sure that you’re taking part in this competition may actually make you the person that people thought you were.

4. People (men) often focus on your looks solely

It may seem like you have it easier in the dating game. You attract more attention and seemingly have more choice. In reality, this have two effects. Yet again many (insecure) women will dislike you because you’re a threat to their men if they’re in a relationship or two their potential men if they’re single. The other effect is that you attract male attention for superficial reasons. Yes, more men will talk to you but most of them won’t be interested in what you’re saying. They will want you in biblical sense so they can score you, show your pictures to their male friends and her high-fives or they will want you in the trophy sense to walk you around as if they had a lion on the gold chain (I’ve complained about the latter in my post on being Eastern European). Very small percent of these men will actually be interested in you as a person and actually instead of ending up with more chances you end up with having to deal with more crap before you get to someone that you want to be in a relationship with.

I could go on and on but unfortunately our self-imposed word limit has been breached already. Remember! Next time you see a hot girl don’t make harmful assumptions. Hot girls we’re humans too! Please enjoy the humorous (I hope!) video that inspired the post:


Now to you, Dear Rinsers, is being hot a blessing or a curse? What are your thoughts on the matter? Are you maybe guilty of any of the above?

Just Friends

platonic friendships?

The question polluting my mind at the moment: Can guys and girls ever just be friends? According to my sources (aka my friends and relationship gurus) apparently not! But I beg to disagree on this one.

Well, since what I hope just a phase of singledom started I seem to have accumulated a whole bunch of male BFFs, some of whom even began their lives as Tinder boys (aka Friend Zoning).  And I have to say it’s rather refreshing. Some of the great things about having male friends is that a) they are just less high-maintenance that most chicks b) they can give you a male perspective on things without simply telling you that every guy is a douche bag (which although maybe true doesn’t necessarily help) c) they have the potential to be great wing-people d) the less girly ones can help protect you from bad people and e) they are generally good boozers and on occasion you can even rinse them for champagne at the Mount Nelson.

Sadly, the cynics/voices of reason in my life tell me that this happy-clappy world I live in is just an illusion and when I do eventually find my Prince Charming the majority of my newfound male BFFs will magically disappear. l somehow I don’t see this being true. Firstly, I am not arrogant enough to think that I am God’s gift to men and therefore it’s not possible for ALL these men to want special favours from me. Secondly, we generally tend to overshare details of our most intimate thoughts with our friends , something we won’t necessarily do with our romantic interests. I doubt dudes that have seen you at your worst – ugly drunk and perving on everything (except them) with a pulse – would seriously consider anything more than friendship with you. Finally, I’d like to think that we not all total animals and there maybe a few members of the opposite sex that we value more than a quickie down some dark alley.

Unfortunately, it seems that my views are at odds with the general consensus which states that if a man and woman spend too much time together eventually there will be some sexual tension/attraction and one party will eventually fall for the other. In some cases, they’ll act on it immediately have a one-nighter which may subsequently develop into a FWB/’Secret Sex’ arrangement. In other instances, the person may be sensible enough to quickly weigh up the pros and cons of such a move or decide the timing is all wrong and then simply disregard the silly idea. In rare cases, something real could come of it.

Ugh, this is all too horrible for my fragile mind to handle. So I hand this problem over to you, dearest Rinsers. Do purely platonic friendships really exist? What are your tips on dealing with unrequited love from a dear friend of yours? Can guys and girls ever go back to being ‘just friends’ after some form of romantic interaction has occurred? Answers to these conundrums in the comments below.

The Allure of Mr Grey

fifty shades of grey

Let me start by giving you a rather simple piece of advice – DO NOT waste your time on anything Fifty Shades of Grey.

Why? Well, if one day you find yourself slightly curious about what all the fuss is about – just get your pervy mind out of the gutter and watch some porn instead. Reading the Fifty Shades trilogy by EL James will only serve to kill a few of those precious brain cells, just take my word for it. If you must, then see the movie (although, even with this, I would have thought they could have condensed the trilogy into a single movie without dragging out the torture)

Despite my negativity I am ashamed to admit that I’ve read all three books and seen the movie too (#zlotybaby watched it too!). I did draw the line at the sequel though…I really don’t need to go through this rather anti-climatic story again from the perspective of Christian Grey. In defence of my error of judgement in indulging in mummy porn, I can say that despite the questionable quality of the literature, there are a few things that account for the unprecedented success of everything Fifty Shades and A LOT that Mr Grey can teach the average Tinder Boy:

Good Girl/Bad Boy Story

Fifty Shades offers a twist on the classic good girl/bad boy love story – something that many women can relate too. Anastasia is a young, naïve, slightly awkward virgin who (literally) falls into the office of the dashing Mr Grey. While everyone knows that Christian Grey a very bad boy in the bedroom department, he has a sweet vulnerable side that is only revealed to his dearest Anastasia. Women like pet projects – unearthing the secrets of Christian Grey’s messed up past is Anastasia’s project.

Christian Grey – The Brooding Alpha Male

It’s been established that we live in a world where most men are more interested in playing computer games and crying to their mamas. So it’s understandable that lots of women found some solace in the pages of the Grey Trilogy. Christian Grey may not be perfect but he is does exhibit certain attributes of the old-school alpha male that is so rare these days. He doesn’t feel the need to talk about his feelings at every opportunity. He takes care of himself (always running and gymming) and capable of fighting off all the baddies unlike real-life men who’ll run away screaming at the sight of a field mouse. I’m not necessarily pro whips and chains but I’d choose the guy who could take control of a situation over the one who needs his mummy’s approval on everything.

Money, Money, Money

Money makes the world go round and Mr Grey has LOTS of it. He insists on spoiling his woman/women (he even looks after his ex-submissives – which is rather odd, I know) by ensuring that they have a wardrobe of designer gear and a red Audi A3. And get this – he has a handful of luxury holiday homes, a grand piano, a yacht, a private jet and a helicopter …I doubt there are many woman that would turn down the opportunity to ‘chase the dawn’ with a man who could fly his own helicopter.

Boring Sex Lives

Now for the sexy time element that is after all the central focus of the book. All I can say is that the success of 50 Shades only serves to show that most people are either a) singletons experiencing severe sex droughts or b) supposedly ‘loved up’ but suffering from really really dull sex lives. I mean there must certainly be an element of fun swinging from the chandeliers (although, I am sure one could have just as much fun doing this fully-clothed) but really fifty shades doesn’t tell you anything that you couldn’t find out by visiting your local branch of Adult World 😉

What are your thoughts on 50 Shades? Love it? Hate it? Why are so, so, so many people into it? Share your thoughts in the comments below.