“No Hymen, No Diamond”

nohymen

“No Hymen, No Diamond” is an actual Facebook page and it reminds us that in our “enlightened” times virginity fetishism is still an actual thing. The idea behind it is to reinforce the belief that women with no sexual partners (a virgin) before the current one are the only ones that should be taken seriously.

First of all, it’s wrong. Full stop. You can’t evaluate someone’s value on the basis of whether they have or haven’t had sexual partners. In fact, it should be absolutely irrelevant for a current partner if the person took the necessary precautions and didn’t end up spreading their eggs around the world and producing offsprings and/or contracting STDs. People (even women!) don’t (usually) get damaged during sex.

The reasonable argument doesn’t resonate with virginity fetishists. In their heads being a virgin makes a woman pure and more importantly unconquered. A woman isn’t an object, she doesn’t get worn-out or used-up. I can see, however, how convenient for some lazy men an inexperienced partner, who doesn’t know what good sex is about, can be. If you have been eating oats for breakfast all your life, you won’t be complaining about not getting cream cheese and salmon croissants, right?

For many of us the idea of our partner being intimately (or just being) with someone else isn’t nice. Most people start dating in high school and if they’re still single or back on the market in their late twenties/early thirties they’re likely to have had some experiences before. This is just the reality and if we don’t like it than we should stick to our Puritan rules and remain virgins ourselves if that’s what we desire in our partner. However, this suggestion would seem silly to many virgin-wanting men, after all there are double standards and a man’s quality cannot be decreased by the fact that he slept with someone (or even numerous someone’s) before.

The sad part of this story, is that in our “rotten” Western world people are aware of the fact that their partners have pasts and in most cases they don’t obsess about it. The “no hymen, no diamond” mentality, however, is very strong in more conservative/religious parts of the world, where surgeries to restore hymens are very common. In more extreme examples, a woman who dared to have pre-martial sex is believed to have dishonored herself and by extension her family and may end up killed because of that.

I haven’t heard about hymen reconstructions procedures in Poland but the attitude is well known in my home country where a famous globetrotter and a TV personality called Wojciech Cejrowski compared a non-virgin woman to a dirty shirt (and who’d like to wear a shirt with other man’s sweat in it) and told a woman who had sex in Big Brother that’s she’s a slut similar to cheap prostitutes in ports. Lovely.

I don’t even know how to sum up this post apart from the fact that it’s a very very sad trend and I wish the world wasn’t so horrible. In full honesty, however, we all know, that I’m only criticizing the belief because I’m not a virgin myself and no one will ever marry me because of that. Unless I sew myself up, of course, then all will be okay.

Now to you, Dear Reader, what do you think about the virginity obsession? Do you know any men or women who seem to have similar sexist views? Are you maybe one of them?

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33 comments

  1. Wow …you seem pretty upset about this .. It was a loaded Post … I didn’t know you could ummm get sown up …naïve of me. I was a virgin when I got married the first time and so was my ex wife. It is possible to remain that way until your wedding day. I wouldn’t go so far to say that it is wrong no different for a virgin to say to you that having premarital sex is wrong. I agree in many culture if you have premarital sex you used to be put to death…stoned. Mericfully we don’t live under that code any more but obviously a lot of things play into someone dating a virgin or someone who isn’t a virgin, for example someone who was married before and had kids …again many thing play into that. I think a lot of this virginity obsession says a lot sadly about how little people think about the kind of person they are and the kind of person they attract.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’m very upset about sexist views and imposing them on others. I’m also very upset with men being disrespectful towards women based on their virginity status. I don’t think it’s wrong to remain a virgin but it depends on the age when you’re getting married because it just seems a bit unhealthy to never have sex by the age of 30. Still, I’d respect the views of both partners would remain that way like in your case and not when it’s a requirement applicable to women only 😊

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Hmm…I’ve voiced my views on 30 something virgins quite openly in the past. The fact is, like you said, most people that are single later in life should have at least had some sort of sexual experiences. I’m not saying that we are all necessarily WISOs but if by the age of 30…you’ve not had any sort of serious relationship there maybe some sort of underlying issues that need to be addressed by a professional. Regardless, 30-something virgins are a pretty rare breed, especially in the Western world. This leads me to my main point… everyone has their personal fantasies (swinging, threesomes, dogs and peanut butter, etc) and as long as these are acted out in a decent way, none of us should judge. However, the problem with this virgin obsession, is not that the people with a fascination for virgins don’t (can’t) go for 30-something issue-filled ones, and instead look elsewhere…i.e. children – now we land in paedo-land, something I really, really can’t cope with (I seriously think all paedos need to be chemically castrated)…in some countries they have rules about molesting children, but this doesn’t stop it happening and in any case if the virgin-lovers don’t get what they want here, they’ll go find it elsewhere either in a country where it accepted as OK or where they can pay for it. Its a sad, sad situation….

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s very sad. I didn’t even mention the “virgin cure” that’s an actual issue in the country we live in – some people believe that having sex with a virgin can heal them from HIV and therefore have sex with children so young that they are highly unlikely to have slept with someone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s called the Virgin Cure and I live in South Africa. I’m sure there are some efforts in terms of awareness spreading, the perepetrators are persecuted if the crime is reported. I think there are just so many challenges that law enforcement deals with, especially in rural areas, it’s difficult to monitor/persecute.

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  3. To the both of you you complain about others imposing their views on you about virginity. Don’t you think you are doing the same thing by stating that is wrong to remain a virgin late in life?

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    • I think it is wrong and unhealthy. Sex and sexuality are very important and healthy activities to engage in and understand. I mean, make sure you are emotionally mature before having sex, but loose the pressure on remaining a virgin until marriage.

      Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t think the pressure is the same for men. There is no such ‘sewing-up’ procedure…so the virgin obsession is sexist towards the women.

      As for my comments on 30 year old virgins…I’m not saying its wrong per se. But unless its honestly for religious/moral reasons of your own choosing (not those imposed by society/parents, etc), I think one needs to question why they are still a virgin at the age of 30. If there are deep underlying issues…its probably going to be effecting other spheres of your life as well. Those are just my observations though. There maybe perfectly well adjust 30-something virgins out there, I am yet to meet one though 🙂

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      • I think the pressure is there for men too just a different kind of pressure many be not to be a virgin but to be a playboy and be mucho and not show feelings and not tell a woman how you really feel …

        Liked by 2 people

      • As for someone who is a virgin for religious reasons they catch a lot of grief because they are told they are wrong and unrealistic for remaining chaste…yet they are told not push their beliefs on anyone else …yet the ones complaining about them being virgins do the same thing . Does that make sense to you?

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      • Haha! I didn’t forget you…I was just on leave yesterday so I didn’t check the blog.

        I agree there is pressure from all angles when it comes to sex. To do it, not to do it, etc, etc. In some ways it might be better if people weren’t so openly talking about it all the time. But we are the Sex and the City generation, we love to share these things I guess.

        Yup there is pressure for guys as well but I don’t think it comes close to the level of ‘sewing up’ surgical procedures…so fact is its worse for women, especially those born into patriarchal cultures.

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  4. I hate this attitude too, Zlotybaby! What a bunch of crap! The guys who want virgins or as close as one can be, are really sad. Most of them have major confidence or domination issues, and are intimidated by a woman who may or may not be better in bed than they are. Perhaps once we have sex, we can see men for who they really are, and it scares them?!?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Almost couldn’t believe what I was reading in that pic haha. Hey that would be a money making surgery business sewing them up. Everyone wanting all these add-ons and medically customized bodies would surely pay for it

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  6. I totally respect a person’s choice to wait until marriage to be sexually active. I come from a very conservative background and although I didn’t wait, many of my friends did- both men and women. They had their reasons and that is fine. It’s like anything else- no one’s business. BUT when a person’s virginity (only a woman’s??) is the focus of so much emphasis I think it’s degrading. And to say a woman who is not a virgin is somehow of lesser value….? It’s absurd. Society has always tried to link a woman’s worth to her sexuality. It’s so last century. It shocks me that groups like the one you’ve mentioned still exist! Thanks for the great post!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Although I don’t think that waiting is necessarily always the best idea, I respect the choice. As you say it’s just not my business. I preferred people in general to have their views established because of their beliefs rather because of the beliefs of others, though. That applies to both extremes – if someone remains a virgin only because they think otherwise be judged or if someone judges virgins/non-virgins because “it’s just not right”. Thank you for your story 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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