(Fatal) Attraction

aliceand.co.uk

The last post by my friend and colleague, #englishrosiee, about the importance of looks in dating has inspired me to write a post about what I find much more important than beauty itself, namely attraction.

I think it’s crucial that we’re attracted to our partner. However, from my experience beauty doesn’t have that much to do with whether we’ll be attracted to someone or not. I remember getting a kiss from a guy with appearance of a supermodel which made me cringe so it’s not the looks but attraction that will (or won’t) make your foot pop. Of course, being conventionally good looking never hurts in the dating business but often  we objectively don’t know where the panties dropping chemistry is coming from.

The secret must be hidden somewhere between looks and behaviour but the small mannerisms of a person matter too. We don’t know why but we start to feel in a certain way and once the attraction is there, it can’t simply be announced null and void, like Henry the VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn. We have to live with it till it either ends up in a successful relation or a broken heart. The only choice we’re truly left with is the one between acting on the way we feel or not.

Attraction is important as mentioned before and ideally, the person we’re attracted to is also a person we have a lot in common with and that in general is someone who positively influences us and our lives. If it is so then we basically have no problem. We should totally go for it and who knows, the person may just as well turn out to be the right person, the One, Prince Charming, soulmate, or whatever term you’d like to use for the idea.

However, the problem appears when it’s not so. When we keep being attracted to individuals with no substance, far away from what we really want or even displaying the full range of our pre-established deal breakers. The broke asses, the ones whose interests are limited to booze, the flirts. In other words, the absolute no nos. Sounds familiar? Then you know that attraction can be very treacherous which is the reason why it’s often not good to listen to it.

We all know how difficult it is to tell ourselves not to follow up with the feeling if the mere presence of the person in our surrounding makes our knees go weak. We keep justifying our choice by pointing out the positive things about the person which truly don’t matter to us in long run. “Freakonomics” (a book I recommend for those who like to learn about fascinating yet random connections between stuff) mentions a study in which people would enumerate number of factors important to them in dating before a speed dating session and after it. The results have shown that the before and after qualities would differ. The participants tended to change their initial choice of qualities to the ones that they found in people at the meeting they found attractive.

To sum up, attraction is a definitely important dating factor but we can’t base our romantic decisions purely on it as it can make us decide poorly and feel like we just wasted a chunk of our life when the attraction is gone and we realize that there’s nothing between us and the other person. Alternatively, in the worst case scenario, the attraction is going to make us insane, and we’re going to end up with the nickname Bunny Boiler, a term coined after Gwen Close and her creation in the movie “Fatal Attraction”. Either way, we don’t want that.

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22 comments

  1. EnglishRosiee · July 14, 2015

    Firstly, I LOVE that you referred to me as you ‘colleague’, it makes me feel as if are running a profit making business enterprise rather than a pro bono service to humanity.

    I agree attraction is a dangerous thing, often because it is inexplicable and not based on solely on looks. Even though some time away from the object of attraction can help you get over them often just a mention of their name or a random message of banter will bring all those strange feelings back again. In our sad little minds, we kid ourselves into believing that we can set aside our deal breakers for this one person, but it never works out that way. I think most people have become ‘bunny boilers’ at some point in their lives – even if it is just constantly checking a persons ‘last seen’ time on whatsapp or FB stalking them. Attraction really does seem to bring out a crazy side even amongst the most seemingly stable amongst us.

    I think the only thing we can do is hope that soon the attraction will fade or we will find someone better to focus our attention on. Easier said than done though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · July 15, 2015

      I was being inspired by University lecturers who always refer to other professors as “my friend and colleague” in their circle of mutual admiration. It’s also partially optimistic about this undertaking (“the blog”) and it’s money making future.

      Yes, I agree with all you say. All you can do is say “no” to the urges of saying certain things to the person and wait till the feeling is gone.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. bklynboy59 · July 15, 2015

    Attraction is only dangerous when we don’t pay attention to the other things that warn us that this person is throw off vibes that are good for us. This is when it becomes a problem. We often fail to heed those warnings of doom and that leads us to trouble. But attraction in itself is what will always be the start of something special but will be the only thing to keep something special together.

    Liked by 2 people

    • zlotybaby · July 15, 2015

      Unfortunately I think that attraction blinded me many times in my dating past and I know from my friends’ stories that it is quite a common phenomenon. I think it may be partly caused by the fact that we’re usually encouraged to follow our feeling, while in real life reason is quite important too. As you say attraction can’t be the only thing between people, they should listen to their gut feelings and common sense too.

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · July 15, 2015

        How many times did your gut warn you and chose not to listen?

        Like

      • zlotybaby · July 15, 2015

        Every time. I know, I should have listened. I think it’s still part of the journey to learn to listen to your intuition.

        Like

      • bklynboy59 · July 15, 2015

        It doesn’t have to be part of the journey learn to trust those red flags it will save you alot of heartache later.

        Like

      • zlotybaby · July 16, 2015

        I believe I’ve learnt it by now and I’m quite happy with who I am but I guess only time will show 😉

        Like

  3. bklynboy59 · July 16, 2015

    It will show in who you choose to allow in your life…the dull but faithful guy who won’t break your heart and love you forever or the exciting but naughty bad boy who doesn’t always have the sign that says bad boy but you just know that he is just that..

    Like

    • zlotybaby · July 16, 2015

      My boyfriend is definitely not dull 😄 I think there’s a middle man too, there’s a lot of polarity in dating but there are the ones that are just right, although they’re more difficult to find.

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · July 16, 2015

        Then hold on to him he sounds like a keeper

        Like

      • zlotybaby · July 16, 2015

        That’s the plan 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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