The Backpocket Girl

kimontheweb.com There’s no shame in being a backpocket girl (hereinafter referred to as BP). I’m sure that each and every one of us has experienced being “back pocketed” at least once in her life (some of us more than that and yours truly used to be a serial BP). The point is to realize that that’s what happening to us and add certain behaviors to the list of our red flags and deal breakers so that we avoid lying to ourselves and chasing a man who’ll never truly be ours.

What is a BP? It’s probably easier to define what she’s not. There’s a difference between this phenomenon and friend zoning as the latter means the guy isn’t sexually attracted to her. In other words, unlike a friend zoned girl, a BP can and usually is used for some “action”. Depending on the values of both parties involved a BP can be sleeping, dry humping, real life flirting or even only texting with the guy. He’s not interested enough to court her properly (usually due to commitment issues) and knows that it’s going nowhere, while she keeps hoping that it may and dreads asking the question “what are we?“.

My observations and experience tell me that the main indicator of whether or not we’re a BP for our interest is the frequency of communication. In short, a guy who really likes a girl makes sure that he spends enough time with her and he tends to be in touch when he doesn’t see her. A guy who’s dealing with a BP sends her a message from time to time and invites her out occasionally or even worse asks her to “let him know when she’s available” entirely minimalising his effort. At the same time he puts xs in the messages and uses terms of endearment which send off the wrong message (if confronted he’ll say that’s the way he rolls and doesn’t know what you’re on). The most misleading technique of a backpocketing guy is the desperate need to maintain the BP’s interest. When a guy realizes that a BP starts to look around and that her interest is decreasing he all of a sudden overbehaves. He becomes affectionate/understanding/warm and/or generally more available. The point of this trick, however, is not to truly conquer the BP and live with her happily ever after but rather just to make sure that she remains an option. Once he knows that, he comes back to his old habits.

When we realize that we’re being backpocketed it’s really easy to stop paying any attention to the guy (AND ignore his over the top behavior in response to our indifference)… if we don’t like him that much. If we do, we just have to suffer through the whole experience, until either he does something disrespectful enough to make us hit our rock bottom or we naturally lose interest ourselves (unfortunately it usually takes time). A Polish habit suggests to “wybiΔ‡ klina klinem” which refers to both drinking what you drank the previous night to heal hangover and get another romantic interest to kill the pain after another one. The latter seems to be the only piece of advice that I can give so if you’re currently in the situation date like there was no tomorrow. This too shall pass. I promise.

Advertisements

44 comments

  1. makupsy · June 30, 2015

    Oh my! Do I not know about being a BP??!! The one time there was a guy I really fancied. We would talk 24/7 even make calls, flirt, sext, go out and on occasions he would kiss me goodbye when we said goodbye. He gave me all the signs of being in an actual relationship and on the day I dropped the “what are we” question he stuttered. I really liked him and thought I had found the one. He gave me the meaningless talk of how he hasn’t found himself and doesn’t want to hurt me nonsense. I just told him I was too grown for such childish games, deleted his number, switched off my phone for a week and when I got back online I was as good as new and him nothing but a distant memory. If you find yourself in this situation, run away as fast as you can! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

      LOL ! Thanks for the advice. Us, BPs need all the moral support we can get. πŸ™‚

      The best line I ever heard from one these guys was when he told me not tell anyone any details about ‘US’. I was sitting there thinking. There was never any ‘US’ in the first place!!! Stupid fool !!

      Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · July 5, 2015

      Thanks for your story! Well done for having the guts to ask the questions and getting rid off the guy when you realized he’s not worth your time. Unfortunately deceiving ourselves comes too easy and many women continue to pursue a guy even after he told them this sort of nonsense.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

    I can totally relate. This is the story of my life right now.

    Worst thing is these back-pocketing guys are nothing to write home about. In some cases, they might just be an elderly troll. Its tough because we work so hard to get these BAD boys out of our system and when we are almost these, they pounce (e.g. by giving you weird arm kisses and making you think you are imagining their very public moves on you).

    My only solution right now is to play Mr Back Pocketer at his own game. Like you said, dating like there is no tomorrow and making him fully aware of all your progress. Although, we are fully aware these ones are not future husband material, you can’t deny knowing that you still have the skillsssss to grab his attention is pretty satisfying. Just have to be careful not to get carried away with these games tho…

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

      I think that being backpocketed and mistreated is a natural u-turn after an important relationship because we JUST want to have fun. I wouldn’t be to harsh on myself – it’s not your pattern and there’ll come a day (soon hopefully) when elderly trolls will be just history you’ll be telling to your next amazing boyfriend πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

        Awww, Can’t someone make these amazing men appear. All I seem to get are the extremes of the dumb-ass overly attached stalker guy and the elderly troll/bad boy. I’d happily settle for something in the middle πŸ™‚

        Like

      • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

        Patience, Grasshopper, the teacher comes when the student is ready πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  3. bklynboy59 · June 30, 2015

    There is an expression…You allow what you teach. If you allow men to treat you as a Backpocket girl then they will do so . However if you put it out there that you will not tolerate that (BPG) and that you want and deserve a upstanding man then stories like this wouldn’t be so commonplace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

      I entirely agree. I think the “deserve” part is a big problem in general. I often see girls and young women struggling with their self esteem and healthy sense of self worth (obviously men experience these problems too).

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · June 30, 2015

        Before anyone puts themselves out on the market they have to tak stock of themselves and thikk who am I and what am I, what do I stand for? otherwise trouble usually follows. Which is why I asked sometime ago what kind of man are you really trying to attract,

        Like

      • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

        That’s a very reasonable attitude. Unfortunately people often just mindlessly get involved into a relationship after a relationship without thinking that there’s a pattern and they should think about what they want and whether their behavior is in alignment with their desires.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bklynboy59 · June 30, 2015

        Bingo. You get it.

        Like

      • EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

        But sometimes maybe the BP keeps herself in that position, because the attention she gets from the bad boys is better than anything she gets from the good/overly attached guys. We want what we can’t have…and sadly sometimes that means being the BP. As you said, this too shall pass and until that day, let the BP up her game a bit and show the bad boy/man that he really is not all that πŸ˜›

        Like

      • WAKE UP (with love). · December 23, 2015

        Men DO experience these problems. I’m in a relationship with someone who won’t call me her boyfriend. This isn’t my decision, although from what I’ve found out about her, I’m not missing-out on much. The problem is that she wants the comfort and emotional side of a boyfriend… but has one back home in her country, who she is constantly messaging all day. This is all standard, happens a lot – but quickly she realised my dating style and ‘attachment style’ so to ‘keep me’, she started lying to my face about him being her real boyfriend. She had previously told me about it when we first met and I popped the question about her attachment. Then she forgot she told me. I have a pretty good memory. Then I realise she’s a person really reliant on lying to get by. She practises the tactic of lying to one’s face, until hard evidence is shown to counter her claims. Or changing the subject when it gets too tough. The usual stuff. It’s all about HER (selfish mentality). I tried to show her a better example and also explain in an abstract non-personal way why her logic is wrong – but of course she’ll never change. I wonder what she lies to her boyfriend back home about. Maybe nothing – maybe it’s her way of separating these two different levels of relationship. Or maybe she lied to him forever, too, as it’s ALL ABOUT HER. Feminism should be a force for good, but instead gives such abusive women a collective, high-creedence ‘victim mentality’ / status that allows them (in their own minds) to abuse others. This is Feminism’s greatest crime, and it IS a crime. Yet if one analyses the underlying PRINCIPLES at work here, of course, this selfish love-of-power, abusive-mentality can happen to any gender, any human being, in many situations. I wish humanity would learn about this logic, join the dots and realise how to treat others. Instead, they’re (we’re) like big kids, who refuse to behave until punished severely – and even then may choose to play the victim card. “Just because they can”. You talk of overly-low-self-esteem above. Well, the way they treat the world, perhaps some people have overly-HIGH self-esteem!

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · December 25, 2015

        Thank you for the comment. You say you’re still in this relationship… Why if you’re so bitter and angry with that girl? I don’t think feminism has anything to do with it. That person is a cheat and you CHOSE to be with a cheat. I understand she’s being manipulative but you’re not stopping her. Self-esteem is a misunderstood concept. There’s no such thing as too high self-esteem, then we just call it arrogance or excessive confidence. Self-esteem by definition means that you believe that you deserve love and respect. People with low self-esteem react in two ways – they’re either abusing others to prove their superiority as they secretly don’t feel they need love and respect (like the girl you’re talking about) or let other abuse them (like you).

        Like

  4. j2mazou · June 30, 2015

    You didn’t comment about the women who enjoy no-strings dating/sex!
    It’s not all about the man having the upper hand – sometimes women use men in the same way…

    Like

    • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

      Thank you for your comment. Women who enjoy one night stands weren’t the topic of the post and wouldn’t be concerned about being backpocketed. Of course, the post applies to men too, I chose to write about women as being backpocketed seems to be more of a trend among them πŸ˜‰

      Like

    • EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

      I totes agree men can get used and abused in exactly the same way. There are many instances of a guy who a girl calls upon when she needs help doing some manual labour, etc or maybe when her ‘boyfriend’ is out of town. In either case, its no fun being a BP. Most people find themselves in this sort of situation a some point and all you can do is roll with punches, enjoy the banter and give him/her a taste of their own medicine (hence the reason I added the line about making him (or her) fully aware that you are dating like theres no tomorrow.)

      Like

      • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

        But you’re talking about friendzoning. Backpocketing would include getting some action too, without commitment. In other words, we would talk about backpocketing only if you call them for a handyman service such as cleaning your pipes if you know what I mean wink wink.

        Like

    • WAKE UP (with love). · December 23, 2015

      Men DO experience these problems. I’m in a relationship with someone who won’t call me her boyfriend. This isn’t my decision, although from what I’ve found out about her, I’m not missing-out on much – and wouldn’t want to hold her up as my ‘girlfriend’ anyway. The problem is that she wants more than she wants to give – for example, the comfort and emotional side of a boyfriend… but has one back home in her country, who she is constantly messaging all day. This is all standard, happens a lot – but quickly she realised my dating style and ‘attachment style’. So to ‘keep me’, she started lying to my face about him being her real boyfriend. Which is worse than being honest about him but not putting it in my face – IF – I chose (consenting adults) to proceed. She had previously told me about it when we first met and I popped the question about her availability. Then she forgot that she had told me (liars always fail against someone with a better memory than they have). I have a pretty good memory. Then I realise she’s a person really reliant on lying to get by. She practises the tactic of lying to one’s face, until hard evidence is shown to counter her claims. Or changing the subject when it gets too tough. The usual stuff. It’s all about HER (selfish mentality). I’ve BEEN that person, too – except for far more important reasons, rather than simple selfish pleasure. For extreme self-defence reasons in my case. I know the skills and traits – and the damage it can and does do, too. From experience, I expected no change, but just tried to show her a better example to get her to think for the future (she wants kids badly and is HIGHLY naive about what mentality makes a good mother). I also explained in an abstract non-personal, examples-based way why her logic is wrong – but of course she’ll never change. I wonder what she lies to her boyfriend back home about. Maybe nothing – maybe it’s her way of separating these two different levels of relationship. Or maybe she lied to him forever, too, as it’s ALL ABOUT HER. I’d be tempted to put the cat amongst the pigeons and tell him how naive he might be!
      Feminism should be a force for good, but instead gives such abusive women a collective, high-creedence ‘victim mentality’ / status that allows them (in their own minds) to abuse others as now they have an entitlement complex beyond the minimum human rights level. This is Feminism’s greatest crime, and it IS a crime. Yet if one analyses the underlying PRINCIPLES at work here, of course, this selfish love-of-power, abusive-mentality can happen to any gender, any human being, in many situations. I wish humanity would learn about this logic, join the dots and realise how to treat others. Instead, they’re (we’re) like big kids, who refuse to behave until punished severely – and even then may choose to play the victim card. “Just because they can”. You talk of overly-low-self-esteem above. Well, the way they treat the world, perhaps some people have overly-HIGH self-esteem!

      Like

      • zlotybaby · December 25, 2015

        Thank you for the comment. You say you’re still in this relationship… Why if you’re so bitter and angry with that girl? I don’t think feminism has anything to do with it. That person is a cheat and you CHOSE to be with a cheat. I understand she’s being manipulative but you’re not stopping her. Self-esteem is a misunderstood concept. There’s no such thing as too high self-esteem, then we just call it arrogance or excessive confidence. Self-esteem by definition means that you believe that you deserve love and respect. People with low self-esteem react in two ways – they’re either abusing others to prove their superiority as they secretly don’t feel they need love and respect (like the girl you’re talking about) or let other abuse them (like you).

        Like

  5. Scott Mitchell · June 30, 2015

    BP is like the norm around Detroit. Good luck finding a girl that isn’t the BP for like 20 other guys in any given moment. They all say they want a good guy though and never get to an intelligence level of knowing that they must make some attempt to be a good woman.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

      1. You don’t make Detroit sound like a very nice place…a place just to go if u enjoy being a BP, perhaps? Jokes.

      2. When you say ‘never get to an intelligence level of knowing that they must make some attempt to be a good woman’ What do you mean? What exactly are BPs doing not to be good women, other than having a lack of self-esteem, maybe?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Scott Mitchell · June 30, 2015

        Haha yeah, sorry. I guess my own recent frustrations kinda came out in my comment. I think everyone has their good and bad and I’ve just been frustrated with other’s bad part. Self esteem is probably a great cause. I’m amazed at how predictable each and every single woman is around here, because of all she’s dealt with until this point. I guess that’s why they are single. There were no decent guys around to respect them and show a different side of male-female interactions. I used to confidently conduct myself in a respectful manner, but I’m finding it pointless now lol. I know that sounds crazy

        Liked by 1 person

      • EnglishRosiee · June 30, 2015

        Just keep swiping. Just keep swiping. You’ll win eventually πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · June 30, 2015

      Thanks for your comment. Are you sure you’re not generalizing? Detroit seems like a too big a place to only have BPs.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Small World Moments in Cape Town Dating | rinse before use
  7. Pingback: Slow-mance Vs. No-mance | rinse before use
  8. Pingback: Sacrifice in love and the martyr mentality | rinse before use
  9. Sarah Hope · November 27

    I think every women has different motives…the key is to figure out why the BP is the BP. Is it low self-esteem? Is it because she is head over heels in love? Is she unattractive? Prego? Can he or she not get a date? If you go through the checklist, you can usually start to gather more information and help remedy the situation for the individual if that person matters to you or you take it personally. Personally, that would be advice if for some reason someone was absolutely determined to date a BP, but would think that someone would be more interested in finding someone that was crazy about him or her…and turned off by such behaviors. But then again, to each his own!

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · November 29

      I think the reason for letting people treat you as a BP is almost always low self-esteem. No one is objectively unattractive or clingy or whatever else makes the guy put you in his back pocket. People either are a match good enough for current expectations of someone or they’re not. If they’re not they end up in the backpocket and never leave it, regardless of how long they’ll wait. An individual with a healthy self-esteem wouldn’t let anyone treat them like this. Even if he or she was in love the bad treatment would make them want to get over the other person.

      Like

  10. Sarah Hope · November 29

    In most cases, zlotybaby, I would agree with you. However, there are cases in which someone’s intent can be classified as a BP when it clearly is not. These are a smaller class of “divergents” where the self-esteem is actually much higher that can bear the burden and put the self motivations to the side to offer a different perspective because of the potential they see, calling, purpose, learning experience or otherwise. It may be hard to understand, but if someone came into the relationship for a romantic interest, I could see how a BP would be applicable – but if they did not, and have shown on repeated occasion this was not the case, then I do not even find a BP to be of applicable matter.

    For BP’s, who are we to say that is wrong or right? Personally, it would not be what I would choose as I do not need to – but I would not judge someone that did – but can most certainly say that there has never been a relationship in my life that I have pursued romantically that I have ever been BP status nor will there ever be. If anyone thinks differently, they clearly misrepresented my intentions, which as you can tell my long-winded posts, were made evidently clear from the get go. In time, relationships do develop and can transform but I think a BP status revolves around intent at the time of when the status is rendered.

    Liked by 1 person

    • zlotybaby · November 30

      It’s not bad if that’s what someone wants. This blog, however, is meant to serve people with mine and #englishrosiee’s experience to help people see things from a different perspective. Many women don’t want to BPed but are striving for a real relationship. They ignore the signs indicating that they were put in a backpocket, they don’t know how to get what the want. This post wasn’t written to judge but rather to show those who are in this situation and don’t want to be that there’s an alternative.

      Like

      • Sarah Hope · November 30

        Yep! Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet Prince Charming! Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes being BP’d to realize that for some. In some cases, if a girl really likes the guy and is BP’d, it can also give her some “stability” while she finds Mr. Right. You have to know what you want in order to be able to obtain it and I think sometimes dating the wrong guy can help you see that. In my case, I have never tried to “date” or be with any guy like that because there is no need for me to do so.

        Do you believe I was in such a situation??

        Liked by 1 person

      • zlotybaby · December 1

        That’s true. Many of us actually don’t know what they want when they’re inexperienced. It’s by having the not so great relationships that we often realize that it’s not what we want and we focus our energies on getting what serves us.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Sarah Hope · December 4

    I could agree with this – I think it all depends on the two people and the marriage subjectively as different relationships have different things that matter to one another

    Like

    • zlotybaby · December 7

      I think the whole idea rarely applies to marriage unless a guy is married but at the same time is still constantly looking around for something new. I know one such example who’d move on from a wife to a partner to next wife and so on till he got old. He never was fully into any of his relationships always looking for something better till he just lost the energy to keep trying. One must wonder what were the women staying with him thinking but clearly being a temporary stop was acceptable for them on some level.

      Like

      • Sarah Hope · December 8

        I don’t know – forever can be a long time. If one wanted kids it would be a travesty.

        Like

  12. Pingback: Stuck in a Fantasy World – When Your Relationship is Just in Your Head | rinse before use
  13. Pingback: “Cushioning” and When to Delete Dating Apps | rinse before use
  14. Pingback: Why The Pursuit of ‘Mr Big’ Just Ends in Tears | rinse before use
  15. Pingback: All Talk, No Action – The Guys Who’ll Tell You Stuff | rinse before use
  16. Pingback: “Yo Girl, Send Nudes” – When a Guy Wants to Be In You and Not With You | rinse before use

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s