The Backpocket Girl

kimontheweb.com There’s no shame in being a backpocket girl (hereinafter referred to as BP). I’m sure that each and every one of us has experienced being “back pocketed” at least once in her life (some of us more than that and yours truly used to be a serial BP). The point is to realize that that’s what happening to us and add certain behaviors to the list of our red flags and deal breakers so that we avoid lying to ourselves and chasing a man who’ll never truly be ours.

What is a BP? It’s probably easier to define what she’s not. There’s a difference between this phenomenon and friend zoning as the latter means the guy isn’t sexually attracted to her. In other words, unlike a friend zoned girl, a BP can and usually is used for some “action”. Depending on the values of both parties involved a BP can be sleeping, dry humping, real life flirting or even only texting with the guy. He’s not interested enough to court her properly (usually due to commitment issues) and knows that it’s going nowhere, while she keeps hoping that it may and dreads asking the question “what are we?“.

My observations and experience tell me that the main indicator of whether or not we’re a BP for our interest is the frequency of communication. In short, a guy who really likes a girl makes sure that he spends enough time with her and he tends to be in touch when he doesn’t see her. A guy who’s dealing with a BP sends her a message from time to time and invites her out occasionally or even worse asks her to “let him know when she’s available” entirely minimalising his effort. At the same time he puts xs in the messages and uses terms of endearment which send off the wrong message (if confronted he’ll say that’s the way he rolls and doesn’t know what you’re on). The most misleading technique of a backpocketing guy is the desperate need to maintain the BP’s interest. When a guy realizes that a BP starts to look around and that her interest is decreasing he all of a sudden overbehaves. He becomes affectionate/understanding/warm and/or generally more available. The point of this trick, however, is not to truly conquer the BP and live with her happily ever after but rather just to make sure that she remains an option. Once he knows that, he comes back to his old habits.

When we realize that we’re being backpocketed it’s really easy to stop paying any attention to the guy (AND ignore his over the top behavior in response to our indifference)… if we don’t like him that much. If we do, we just have to suffer through the whole experience, until either he does something disrespectful enough to make us hit our rock bottom or we naturally lose interest ourselves (unfortunately it usually takes time). A Polish habit suggests to “wybić klina klinem” which refers to both drinking what you drank the previous night to heal hangover and get another romantic interest to kill the pain after another one. The latter seems to be the only piece of advice that I can give so if you’re currently in the situation date like there was no tomorrow. This too shall pass. I promise.

Advertisements

Knowing your Deal Breakers

deal breakers

Over the course of my experiments with dating, I’ve learnt that the all-inclusive, give everyone a chance (albeit for the free booze/food/jewels/sandwich-toasters,etc.) approach does NOT work. In fact all it does is leave a girl feeling somewhat like a prostitute, generally disillusioned with men and FAT (all that free food/booze). It is for these reasons that I have begun to realise the importance of establishing deal breakers.

Deal breakers are those non-negotiable criteria that your future love interest must meet in order for things to blossom successfully. These are factors that can’t be overlooked and outweigh any redeeming feature a person may have. As naive, young things entering what we believe to be a daisies in the field world of romance, you’ll find the sweetest among us (those that haven’t become jaded through seeing grown-up relationships fall apart around them) often have this misguided notion that love will conquer all. At the end of the day, all any girl wants is a nice guy that is vaguely decent looking and isn’t a beater, cheater or someone who comes complete with a repertoire of STIs. Right? Wrong!!!

The truth is the more interactions one has with the opposite sex (obviously, having spent my teenage years at a girl’s only school, I was a bit slow on the uptake here) the more we become aware of qualities we can’t stand in a potential other half. Naturally, deal breakers vary from one person to the next and it takes a little bit of time for our fragile minds to come to terms with what these things are. In some cases, identifying a deal breaker is easy. For example, say you a member of the Klu Klux Klan then getting yourself a little bit of interracial loving would be a major no-no. So why waste your time exploring your underlying ethnic fantasies, if deep down you know ‘your people’ will never approve? In most cases however, we might need to do a bit of soul-searching before we know what will make or break a relationship.

When it comes to deal-breakers I think there are two problems that arise. On the one hand, there are people that refuse to acknowledge that something is a deal breaker despite history showing otherwise. For instance, if you’re a good Churchy boy who loves Jesus, you’d think it would make sense to date an equally Churchy girl who loves Jesus too, right? NO! That would be far too easy, instead you’ll keep dating Atheist/Agnostic/’Buddhist’ chicks, in hope that you might just be able to convert them to the way of Christ somewhere down the line. Not going to happen.

On the flipside, you have those that are so obsessed with their long list of deal breakers, that even the most dashing prince with a couple of PhDs and a wicked sense humour stands no chance. Take the lady who insists that any guy she dates must earn exactly the same as her, not more (I mean who doesn’t like a man who can afford to spoil her?!) or less (she has a fear of having to support a man and therefore would not even want to risk having to buy him a coffee). This lady also insists that any potential suitor not be overly educated (because him being well-read might lead to having to attend additional therapy sessions to cure her new-found inferiority complex). Now, is it really any wonder that this spinster is experiencing a 5 year sex-drought? Hmm….

Over to you dearest Rinsers, tell us what you think about establishing your deal-breakers in the comments below …

Review : Violet Online

Violet OnlineYou wouldn’t think us twenty-something girls with their heads in the clouds could relate to the trials and tribulations of a forty-something, divorced, Rondebosch soccer mum type trying to manouevre her way around the modern world of internet dating in Cape Town. But Lynita Crofford’s portrayal of Violet demonstrates how the challenges single ladies face looking for love (or a hook up) transcend the generations.

In less than an hour (we did wish the show was longer), this humorous monologue touches on a lot of the hot topics we’ve been busy discussing here on RinseBeforeUse such as the stigma associated to interracial relationships in South Africa, the challenges of weeding out stupid guys that can’t spell (the main dumbass who put me off dating for a while wanted to take me on a romantic boat trip to ROBIN Island), and dealing with age gaps (Violet gets to date young studs, while englishrosiee has to  settle for the wrinkly old Silver Foxes, ho hum).

She also comically explains her experiences with panty dropping and Brazilian waxing, things I think most girls can relate too. But don’t worry, even the boys will find Violet entertaining. In fact, anyone who has dabbled in internet dating will be able to relate as she gives you her take on the serious dater (you know the ones with the OKCupid Profile which is more like a PhD thesis), the serial dater (yup, I’m afraid to admit I’m guilty of that) and the Tinder Dater (uh oh Violet recommends staying away from those).

I’ll refrain from giving you a synopsis of the whole show because I think anyone who enjoys the LOLs on RinseBeforeUse needs to go and see Violet Online. If you missed seeing it at Alexander Bar, then I suggest you make a trip to the National Arts Festival in Grahamstown where Violet Online is showing from the 2nd-8th July 2015 (I’m sure our international readers can use this a good excuse to travel to South Africa and perve on some SA hotties as well).

By the way, this play is based on posts on an anonymous News 24 blog also called Violet Online. So, dear Rinsers, if you’d continue loving us long time and liking, sharing and tweeting all our blog posts maybe one day we’ll also have a stage show about sexcapades and the like. Just saying.

The Ivy Woman

from elite daily

from elite daily

We all know at least one fine specimen of the Ivy Woman. This one friend that you’ve never seen single and if it happened for a short while she felt painfully unhappy and lost? That person that only changes her partner when another one is already in her life? Jip, that’s her – the Ivy Woman henceforth referred to as IW.

The IW doesn’t understand the word “single”. “Single” to her equals unhappy and unfulfilled. It is so as if an IW the only source of happiness is the man. If he’s happy, she’s happy and that’s what her life is limited to. She does her job if he can’t afford to provide for her but there’s no real interest in what she’s doing. She may have a hobby but you’ll probably find her changing her hobbies as she changes her men. When that happens she’ll change her eating habits too and in more extreme cases even her religion.

The IW will date pretty much anyone and often underdates (dates way below her value on the dating market 😉). There’s only one condition that needs to be fulfilled – one has to be a man. Many men find the complete devotion appealing, which leads to an intense, yet usually short lived interest in the IW. Unless an IW meets a Stalker, then they’re interdependence may last for centuries.

In a magical way the IW feels when her partner’s interest is decreasing and she starts the hunt for a new victim again immediately (yet obviously without finishing the former relation). She herself is impossible to please and requires constant attention. Like a parasite that cannot live without a host, she also cannot function without a man and she will make sure that there’s one ready and waiting for her at all times. Friend zoning people is among her many moves, so is a not-yet-discussed phenomenon of back-pocketing (when one is potentially interested in a person but not REALLY and is still actively looking around).

How to deal with an IW? If you’re a man run. She’s not a real person but something that temporarily has a form of whoever you would want her to be and she will replace you as soon as you’re not all over her at all times. If you’re a woman don’t listen to her when it comes to dating. If you’re single she’ll make you feel miserable and you’ll find yourself questioning your worth for “not being able to find a man” as she’ll put it. If you’re in a relationship you’ll start to question your relationship if you’re a healthy human being and don’t spend all of your waking and sleeping life with your boyfriend. In either case don’t get engaged (pun intended).

5 Excuses of A Sad Spinster

Crazy Cat Lady

I don’t blame you for thinking I am a bit bi-polar, especially after me Hating on Dating last week. But after much consideration (not really), I’ve decided to put an end to the man-ban. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. In fact, taking some time out to figure out exactly what you want and what your deal breakers are is a good thing. But let’s not kid ourselves. As much as we might put a brave face on things, I don’t truly believe that there is any girl out there that honestly wants to become a Crazy Cat Lady.

I’ve encountered enough spinsters and 30-something virgins to know of all the lame excuses used to justify the fact that they’ve basically given up on the idea of ever finding a man. Here are the main ones:

  1. I am focused on my career and have no time for men

I hate to tell you this, but there are women far more successful than you that are managing to make millions and save the world all with a hot man on their arm.

  1. Men are douche bags. I hate them all

We’ve all been there. Everyone has had their heart broken. If it wasn’t the ex that promised you happily-ever-after, it was probably the Dad that walked out on the family while you were sleeping. There is no doubt that it sucks, but ask yourself whether blocking out the whole of the opposite sex is making you a happier person. Probably not.  Get some tissues, deal with your issues and then go find yourself one of the 2% of guys that aren’t total deadbeats.

  1. I am happy living alone with my cats/dogs, the only people (?!) that will never hurt me.

Yes, it’s true. These sentient-beings will love you unconditionally (well, until the lady down the street feeds them gourmet food) and they might even keep you warm at night. But can cats/dogs/mice,etc really compensate for human interaction (and bedroom acrobatics)?

  1. No man can meet my high standards, so I stopped searching

OK, so we can sit here and debate whether soul mates truly exist for an eternity. I don’t have a definitive answer on that one. But successful relationships are based on compromise. Sure, Hollywood has given us unrealistic expectations but maybe, just maybe, that bad boy that’s a bit rough round the edges can be transformed into a Prince Charming when he is under your spell. Also as we get older our priorities change so maybe those ‘high standards’ you set in your 20s might become a bit more realistic as that biological clock ticks away.

  1. I am a feminist – I am capable of living without a man.

Good for you but I’m a fan of a more pragmatic brand of feminism – the one where you realise that while you are pretty much capable of doing most things yourself, sometimes it’s just more effective to use your feminine prowess to get a Tinder boy to do it for you. I mean why would you waste your time setting up a complicated sound system, when you can have your legs up on the couch reading while he exercises his grey matter (believe me, he needed to, so I was doing a service to humanity).

Basically, what I am saying is that my rather short stint at the nunnery has now served its purpose. Maybe I’ve been indoctrinated by all those Disney movies I watched as a little girl, but I’d rather be a hopeless romantic any day than resign myself to life as a sad spinster who spends her life cuddling her hoard of kitties while forever forever judging those single girls with their head in the clouds who’ll never give up the search for their Prince Charming.

Now Rinsers, give us your take on Spinsterhood in the comments below … 

Hating on Dating

disillusioned with dating

It’s official – I am on a self-imposed man-diet.

Hopefully it’s just a temporary glitch (and I have plenty of matter to keep you entertained in the interim). While this means that instead of swiping I’m spending my time reading novels and painting bar stools (rock n roll lifestyle, I know!), this break from the Tinderverse has given me an insight into why people become bitter, twisted haters of dating.

Here are the reasons I’ve become disillusioned with dating:

Money can’t buy butterflies

Although I’ve said that money/power are important when it comes to winning a girls attention, the truth is the lure of wealth/status wears off pretty fast. Take for instance, the sweet guy who drives across town to meet you, takes you out to the swankiest Cape Town eateries and pays you sooooo many compliments that you feel like a supermodel BUT the fact is after just a few days of knowing the dude you find yourself irritated by his mere existence.

Just to make it clear. He smokes like a chimney in your face, ruins your all-time favourite movie (who really needs to over-analyse Bridget Jones?) and defines you by the fact that you are ‘vegetarian’ (is it too much to ask that someone be attracted to me for more than just my eating habits?). These are things you might turn a blind eye to, that is, if you were somewhat interested.

When it comes to chemistry, it’s either there or not. No amount of wishful thinking can make it magically appear. Even giving the girl everything her heart desires can’t buy a foot-popping kiss. Maybe it’s just time to face the truth, those broke-ass bad boys have dibs on the butterflies.

Double Parking Disaster

You’re feeling smug as you’re about to pull off the ultimate Double Parking stunt. Not just attempting to meet two guys in the same night but you’ve masterminded an epic plan to get them in the same room and same time (aka using the good guy to make the bad boy that you like like jealous).

Sadly, like most things in life, it doesn’t go to plan. Turns out that you are too busy schmoozing and forget the plan entirely. Oh, and the bad boy, he turns the tables on you and flirts with every other women in the room.

It seems that your skillsssss aren’t as good as you thought, hey?

Friend Zone Fail

You ‘cleverly’ get involved with someone knowing that there is a definite end in sight (he is leaving town at the end of the week – yayers!). In your silly little head, it all makes perfect sense. But then the dude starts referring to you as his ‘girlfriend’ and asking whether you’d consider a long distance relationship. Been there, done that and despite his smoking hot good looks (which account for it lasting half a decade), it still failed so that’s a NO from me.

This dumb-ass however cannot comprehend that you are just not that into him. Despite the fact that you a) talk about how gorgeous your ex was, b)  get excited about an OAP coming to your party, and c) tell him that he’d make a brilliant boyfriend… for SOMEONE ELSE, he still doesn’t gauge that he is friend-zoned.

And there you were thinking you were a pro at this. It seems not, so you’re left feeling like the A-Grade Biatch.  

Lies Glorious Lies

And the final straw – that Silver Fox/Elderly Troll you’ve been crushing on and who had the audacity friend/daughter zone a pretty YOUNG thing like you (yes seriously!). Well it turns out he actually lied about his age. He has now gone from being old enough to be your father to more like a grandfather. What a joke!

To make matters worse. Despite his lies, fashion faux pas‘ and his inability to commit anything (yup, can’t even agree to a party invite or a fling), the banter is still better than it is with all the other idiots out there.

Finally, when you put all these factors together spending two hours stuck in Standard Bank with your ex looks like the equivalent of a two week vacation in the Maldives. Clearly, its time to have a KitKat.

So there you have it – my reasons for joining the nunnery. Share your words of inspiration in the comments below so maybe I can rediscover my love for my Tinder boys, sooner rather than later…

The Overly Attached Guy AKA The Stalker

image

I don’t know a girl who hasn’t ever have the dubious pleasure of dealing with an overly attached guy, the so called stalker. We joke about them, we write about them but deep inside we’re just scared of them.

He’s usually the guy that we swiped right on Tinder because he looks “decent”. He’s not super handsome but his looks don’t make us cringe either. He may have some puppies on his profile pictures and yet we don’t seem to know what any kid knows at the age of 5 – don’t go anywhere with the man who brags about his puppies. Most probably he also has some pictures with his friends on and maybe one of him doing something he’s passionate about. In brief, he’s a totally dateable guy in theory. In theory, because in reality, he’s a stalker.

There’s nothing less attractive in a person than desperation and an overly attached guy represents a very particular type of it – a desperation to be loved and liked. In the heart of absolute commitment after a few minute online exchange lies not interest in us but the fear that we won’t be interested in them. Let’s be honest, however hot and smart we are all the overly attached guy sees in us is only possible takers of the girlfriend vacancy. He’ll choose one trait that makes us “so special”, usually beauty, and keep nagging us till eventually he gives up and moves on to his another very special (read pretty) victim.

A stalker, being a guy who tries too hard, naturally switches on a red light in a female’s brain. He looks ok, he has something to say, he has a job. Why is he trying to convince me about being cool so badly (and in so many text messages)? Surely, there’s something wrong with him. Once we reached that conclusion a guy who dressed up as an Indian prince for the first date ceases to be a potential interest. Our mindset has changed and we decided that there’s something wrong with him. Once he feels we’re slipping out of his stalkerish grasp he tries even harder. You haven’t replied to his message on whatsapp? There’s still your Facebook (he can send a message even if you’re not friends) and your email (how difficult can it be to find it?) he can use. A Stalker won’t take a no for an answer and he’ll make sure that you remember about him in most of your waking life (and in a restraining order case even in night life). If you don’t want a relationship with him and you tell him that, he says that’s fine too. After all you can be just friends (till he hopefully corners you into a relationship that is).

Don’t go for a stalker, my Love, not even as a friend. If someone’s getting too much, make it as clear as possible as fast as possible that there will be NOTHING between you and stick to your decision regardless of how tempting it is to get a little bit of male attention for a tiny self-esteem boost. Then change your locks as a precaution and go on with your life.

English Rosiee’s Guide to First Date Fashion

Indian Prince Outfit

Simply dressing like an Indian Prince won’t always win you her heart 😉

As much as I idolise Carrie Bradshaw, my wardrobe is more Woolies than Versace and my shoes are more Mr Price than Manolo Blahnik. When you are earning Rands you need to make do as a no-name fashionista.

Anyway, what I am getting at here is that while I am no fashion expert, I do believe that what you wear is important and never more so than for single guys/gals trying to manoeuvre their way around the Cape Town dating scene. First impressions count, and much of that is decided by the clothes you wear. So here are my humble tips for guys looking to win the heart of a fair maiden…

Suited and Booted

Maybe it’s just the Londoner in me, but I love a man in a suit. Sadly, we don’t see enough of them in Cape Town where board shorts and flip flops seem to be the height of fashion. Dressing up gives the ladies the impression that a bloke has a high-powered position and cash to splash (many women do have a Christian Grey fantasy).

To highlight my point, I lived with a Goth dude at university and once told him the only way he would be allowed out in my world (of all things glittery and fabulous) would be if he wore a suit.  After a lame protest saying that the only suit he owned was one he’d purchased for his grandmother’s funeral, he eventually gave in to my demands. Let’s just say he’d never seen so many girls ready to drop their panties for him than in the club that night.

Shoes for Shorties

There is no doubt that being short is a major disadvantage for a man trying to win a girl’s affections (this is made worse if he spends the whole date making short jokes about himself).

However, there is only one thing that vertically-challenged men can do in such a situation and that is to embrace their disability. I mean if they can’t distract you with their wit and charm then they can at least be skillful enough to stand on a step or offer the girl a bar stool, so he can reduce the impact of the height issue.

If you ever find yourself crushing on some short elderly troll, I hope you have a friend like #zlotybaby who reminds you to check out his shoes. Remember, if there is one thing women are obsessed with its shoes. We notice good/bad shoes on our friends, on randoms and we’ll most definitely notice a man in HEELS. And wearing them will only serve to remind us of how short he really is.

Ethnic Attire

Don’t make assumptions. Just because a chick looks like chapatti, doesn’t mean she has any real inclination towards men from the Indian subcontinent.

I once went on a couple of dates with a lily white dude that decided that because of my ethnicity I would be truly impressed that he had embarked on a 200 hour yoga teacher training course (I’m the somewhat physically challenged girl who sits in child’s pose for the whole of class), then takes me out to an Indian restaurant (cos if I was actually Indian, I wouldn’t be getting enough curry at home) and the pièce de résistance – he turns up on Valentine’s Day dressed up as Aladdin (maybe in his warped mind, dressing like an Indian Prince was guaranteed to make any ‘Indian’ princess go weak at the knees).

Oh and if that wasn’t bad enough he teams his costume with trainers. As far as I concerned, trainers (or takkies as they call them here in SA) are for sport. Nothing else. Unless of course you are chav (a big part of me escaping the UK, so I don’t plan on dating any of them here), in which case they go rather well with a fake Adidas tracksuit.

So guys, I hope my no-name fashionista tips help you get laid. Now rinsers tell us in the comments on what you love/hate to see a potential lover wearing on a date.

The Panty-Dropping Time

image We all do it (unless we think that premarital sex is evil and carnal pleasures are sinful) sooner or later when we start to date someone. The big question, however, is “when” to drop the panties so that it doesn’t spoil anything in our blossoming relation* or lead to a heart break if a guy was only interested in us in the biblical sense.

The general rule seems to be rather later than sooner. I don’t think there’s any exact number of days/weeks/months that a person should wait but definitely we should feel comfortable with a person and with what we’re doing. I think it’s in general highly uncommon (I’m not saying impossible) for people to feel enough at ease with each other immediately after the first date to allow this level of intimacy and doing what we feel is right is the only way to avoid regrets in case things don’t go exactly as planned.

For a man it’s not uncommon to just hang around “to score” and the trick is to recognize whether it is so with our new romantic interest. Women often misread interest as necessarily being of romantic nature. They’re wrong. If we allow enough time to look at a person’s behavior around us, we usually know what they want (we can always ask them the question “what are we?”) and if it’s not the same thing we do then having sex will definitely not help to make them interested in our personality if they were not charmed by it before.

We often rush into sleeping with someone because we think that they will lose interest if we don’t. The fact is, however, that when a guy is actually into us, he rarely minds waiting, as he enjoys our company and being around us. It’s just advisable to give him some time to realize that there’s more into us than just looks. The more we know the person, the less awkward the first sexual experience.

Nevertheless, making the guy wait forever doesn’t make much sense either. Yet again when he’s not into us he won’t start liking liking us after we sleep with him so he’ll lose interest all the same once he achieved what he wanted. Even if he likes likes us if we let the expectations grow too high we’re just setting both ourselves and our partners for disappointment. Sex can be amazing but that usually comes with knowing the person’s needs and not with our exceptional skills because even if we can clap “Old McDonalds” had a farm with our vagina it may not be everyone’s favorite song.

In brief, in my opinion, the perfect panty dropping time is when WE feel we want it and not when others (the guy, our friends or his friends) think we should want it. If we’re not sexually interested in him, we should reconsider our choice as whatever the poets and priests have been trying to tell us chemistry and attraction are a very important elements in a healthy relation.

*I’m assuming that your goal is to be with the guy. If you’re interested in a one night stand that’s fine with me but this post will probably highly irrelevant. In this case you can drop your panties anytime between “hi” and learning what he does for a living.