The Ethics of Dating

ethics of dating

Before the advent of the internet when cavemen/women didn’t have the likes of Tinder and OKCupid single gals, like myself, had no real reason to consider ethical questions surrounding the process of dating. In the dark ages Mummy and Daddy decided who was good enough (i.e. had lots money and status) for their little girl and had the association approved in the eyes of God, so there were no moral dilemmas to contend with. However, as a modern-day lady, searching for Prince Charming on her own steam, one has to make tough decisions with regards to their behaviour. Decisions that might result in frowns of disapproval from the audience.

Since I entered the big bad world of singledom, I have had my morals UNFAIRLY questioned by my friends. Let’s start by defining the term dating. For me right now, this means playing the field, going on dates to cool (preferably swanky) places with no strings attached. I am not promising anyone anything other than MY TIME. Take it or leave it. All I am agreeing to is a single date…NOT a second date, a fling, bedroom antics, a relationship or marriage. Nothing. Nada. Niente.

Now we’ve got that sorted, let’s discuss some of the things I’ve been called out on…

White Lies

There is this widespread belief that online dating services are full of unscrupulous individuals just trying to take advantage of earnest singletons naively looking for love. While I agree that there are some real dodge people out there, I don’t see any harm in a employing a little artistic licence.

I went on a date once where Mr Big Fat Greek decided to scrutinize my profile word for word. I was told that I was not ‘an open book’, in fact I wasn’t a book at all so why was I using such cryptic language to describe myself.  While I can bypass a person’s spotty face and general dullness, stupidity is not something I tolerate and as heart-breaking as it was I had to NEXT this one.

While I don’t think it’s OK to lie about your age, sexual orientation, academic qualifications or the wife and kids you have hidden at home, I don’t believe it’s a crime to exaggerate a little (although I am pretty fed up of people telling me they are MARATHON runners, when in reality they do the 5K Park Run).

Dating Frogs

Dating is a numbers game. But is it wrong to date boring/unattractive/elderly guys when we know there’s no future?

Never judge a book by its cover, isn’t that we were taught? He might look unattractive online but be far more dapper in the flesh (truth be told, it’s usually opposite).  Or maybe he just doesn’t have a way with words, but makes up for it in another department? You’ll never know unless you are willing to give it a try. Regardless, it is good dating practice for when a real catch comes along.

I think we should always give people a chance. Not the serial killer types, the ones that invite you to their flat for a first date and those who can’t string a sentence together, but the slightly dowdy ones – why not? After all, everyone has a right to be ‘loved’. And most of those poor guys have been rejected before – do I really want to be another biatch who broke their spirit? NO! So I’ll take one for the team, kiss the frog, boost his ego and do my service to humanity.

Buying Love

Rinsing can humorously be defined as ‘the traditional version of courting in which a man chases a woman before she decides to grace him with her full affection.’ In other words, making him PAY.

When it comes to paying the bill, I am a traditionalist who believes (at least at the dating stage) in old-fashioned gender stereotypes, where, while I might fake the ‘purse grab’, in reality it’s a basic requirement that any potential suitor is financially stable enough to buy me a drink.

Some may consider this a mild form of prostitution and argue that I should be liberated enough to pay my own way. But in the grand scheme of things, ladies we are not going to be equal to the men-folk anytime soon. After all we live in a world where there are more men named John running FTSE 100 companies than women.

Basically guys have had a few extra millenniums to get rich, so rinsing a few beers (or a sandwich toaster) is simply leveling the playing field. And beyond all the ethical arguments, I don’t see blokes (well maybe the broke-ass ones) crying about it, actually I think it makes them feel good, like BIG MEN.

Let me shut up now and wait for the onslaught of HATE in the comments below.  

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40 comments

  1. error message · May 28, 2015

    I like it when a guy buys at least the first drink with no qualms. I don’t even pretend to fumble for my purse. I love it even more that a guy ‘flashing his cash’ makes other guys think he’s a (I quote) ‘dick in a suit’. This only makes him more attractive to me…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. 333smp · May 28, 2015

    No hate from me! I like your style! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. EnglishRosiee · May 28, 2015

    My bitchiness is winning me fans…I like it 🙂 Thanks. x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Deviant Dater · May 28, 2015

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! I totally agree with everything you’ve said! I believe in giving (almost) everyone a chance at a date or sometimes even two. No one is on their top game all the time and you can’t really tell what someone is like through an internet profile or an hour spent with a nervous fella. As for the paying thing… I am of the opinion that the person who does the asking does the paying. If a guy is going to ask me to dinner, I expect him to pay. If I ask a guy out, then I’ll pay. (However, if he offers, I’ll let him, mostly because I’m a sucker for free food.) As for the mild form of prostitution, meh… You gotta take what you can get! (Seriously, when I was struggling financially, dating was my answer: https://deviantdater.wordpress.com/2014/08/14/confession/)

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · May 29, 2015

      Thanks for the comment. Like I said I’m old school so I am not gonna ask a guy out which in some cases means waiting and waiting and waiting and then suddenly out of the blue 1 hour before the fact he will invite you out somewhere. But hey, its all good cos at least he is buying the drinks.

      Shhh…don’t give away all your secrets. They must never know we only go out with them to save on the grocery bills 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  5. bklynboy59 · May 28, 2015

    No hate here … you are entitled to your opinion. After being married for 32 years and then being back on the single side I learned to make a check list for the type of woman I was looking for…hint…date for a reason( free food don’t count lol) I am not against there being a age difference (my finace is 9 years younger than I )but my rule of thumb was if you were in the same age as my grown kids …I wouldn’t date them. I was approached by a 30 year old she wanted to date me but she was also looking to start a family…been there done that so this next part of my life I want to spend my time traveling going out to eat dinner etc. Well long story short I met someone that fit my check list to a tee. But I am surprised so many people don’t under stand one rule of dating …if the fella can’t pay for the date then there is not date. I come from the era of I ask you out I pick you up I pay for the date. If a guy can’t afford to pay for a date chances are he isn’t for you even for a one shot date. As far as whether or not you are wrong for dating older guys or boring guys ….well…I wouldn’t say wrong but I believe you waste alot of time and usually that approach doesn’t lend itself to anything productive. One the other person misreads your intentions and thinks you are into them, two they read as you both in a relationship, three why set yourself up for a situation like that. you are worth more than taking one for the team. That doesn’t benefit anyone believe me it’s an insult for a pity date. I would hope some one would date me because they liked something about me not a pity date. I realize my view is from a different time and from a different age too. If I was 20-30 years younger I might feel more inclined like you, like I said not hate here.LOL.

    Liked by 2 people

    • EnglishRosiee · May 29, 2015

      Wow. Thanks for you ESSAY (and not hating on me).

      Going out with guys you know you haven’t got a future with is only a waste of time if you are one of those girls who are just focused on finding their future hubby/baby-daddy. If you look at things a bit more pragmatically then you get more of it. Like I say over and over again, a number of my failed Tinder dates turned into good guy friends (and its always good for a single gal to get a male perspective on things). You never know one of these ‘substandard’ guys might be able to connect you with a good job or maybe introduce you to his hot(ter) friends. So I think its always take a positive outlook on these things.

      If a guy can’t afford to pay for a date chances are he isn’t for you even for a one shot date.<— LOVE THIS. However, I would tell all the broke-ass/fall on hard times guys out there hope is not lost. We are not total gold diggers – there are lots of cool things you can do with little/no money that can win a girls affections (yes it is gonna be harder for Tinder/Internet dating guys as you generally have to meet in a public place which means splashing some cash).

      Like

      • bklynboy59 · May 29, 2015

        There is a difference between falling on hard times and someone who is just looking to get over on the cheap. Many men fall into the get over on the cheap catorgory. And what is wrong with being focused on looking for that special someone? Again yes I am old school when it comes to dating , at least purposeful dating.

        Like

      • EnglishRosiee · May 29, 2015

        I agree. That is why I said the guy should pay at the dating stage. Once he wins your affections and things progress to the relationship stage then I think its fair for things to become more equal (although its still nice if they are still treating you like a princess after half a decade noone is gonna be complaining).

        Nothing wrong with being focused. But you’ll find that those ppl who are single-mindedly on a mission often get disheartened quickly because not every1 can be successful so quickly with internet dating. And anyway I think Prince Charming always finds the girl when she least expects it.

        Like

      • bklynboy59 · May 29, 2015

        That last part you just said is true. My finace didn’t think she would meet someone on line and almost closed her profile until I came along. Then she wasn’t quick to say I love you, then when she did she didn’t think about getting married . But a strange thing happened…we fell in love . So don’t knock on line dating . The reason why some get disheartened is because the rush things and rush into a relationship because their clock is running. No need to rush but that doesn’t mean date for the sake of dating either.

        Like

  6. Nortina S. · May 29, 2015

    Although I’ve always gotten a mouth full of mucus when dating a frog and would rather pass, I 100% agree with your other points. Especially the last one. Pay up!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. justinkestelman · May 29, 2015

    Very interesting points.. I think the concept of “White lies” isn’t just being used Online. I think it’s being overused in the dating world too much now. In saying that I think it’s more of a subconscious action when we’re trying to impress, but when does it stop?

    Guys should pay for the girl. There’s nothing more to it. I’m a traditionalist and I elaborated on this point in my blog, Feminist Or Proving A point, check it out!

    Great piece. Well done

    Like

  8. EnglishRosiee · May 29, 2015

    Thanks for your comment.

    Yeah, I agree with you point about the white lies spiraling out of control. Its like at first the guy is just slightly mysterious and he has an endearing relationship with his family…further down the line you find out has a wife which is the reason he never wants to take you home or that he still lives with Mummy cos he is broke-ass.

    Like

  9. zlotybaby · May 29, 2015

    Dating frogs – I think going on one or two dates, which for me means giving people a fair chance, is ok. Continuing to do so and knowing that there’ll be nothing out of it, without letting people know they’ve been friend zoned is cruel and immoral. And the “they should have figured out” attitude is just a useful excuse for a cruel and immoral thing.

    When it comes to paying, I think it’s okay on the first date, mostly because the guy is the one who asked you out. After that I see no reason why a guy should keep paying. I believe that treating people is what shows that people care and not sticking to the rule, he must always pay because he’s a man. I just don’t believe in double standards of emancipation. If you want to work, be treated as an equal and have the same salary, you should also be willing to take on other egalitarian rules. Let me not start the “emancipation/feminist hypocrisy” rant on this lovely day, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · May 29, 2015

      1. Frogs – Some of them don’t get the hint. You talk about you ex, the new man you have your eye on, etc, etc…yet they still don’t understand that they’ve been friend zoned and are seem happy enough to help you out when the bumper falls off your car and they still wanna meet for a coffee once a month where you don’t flirt, dress up or kiss them…but they still hanging around and dropping the odd flirtatious comment now and again. And things could be worse…you could be have a situation where one party thinks they are ‘in a relationship’ while even a year down the line the other still feels they are ‘getting to know each other’ while still swiping, swiping from time to time.

      2 . Like i said, at the dating stage I think he should pay. Once he has won my heart I am happy to go watch the sunset (see its FREE and no1 has to pay). For some people the dating stage lasts a day for others it could be a few years.

      3. Women need true emancipation where we have an equal chance of becoming the CEO of a FTSE 100 Company as the ‘Johns’ of the world. But the world isn’t like that. If I date a guy of a similar age to me, working a similar position , chances are he is earning more than me…cos that’s just the reality of the MAN’S WORLD in which we live…so paying the bill shouldn’t be too much of an issue. And to be fair, I like those silver foxes, which means I give the guys at least a 10 year head start to get financially stable before I date them 😉

      Like

  10. Rasma R · May 29, 2015

    when I was still dating in my younger days there was no computer so we met face to face. I found that some guys who look like frogs can miraculously change after one sweet kiss and look so much better. I agree with you about white lies. A relationship has no room for white or any other kind of lies they just get out of control eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · June 1, 2015

      Thanks for your comment. I’m yet to find a special frog…but let me keep trying 🙂

      Like

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  31. Dumbt · September 30

    Bit late to the discussion here. But I think they should be no question as to who pays of the first date. If you are a middle class, independent career woman you probably want to date your equal. Look its horrible to say this but if the guy can’t afford to buy me and coffee/wine its not going to work in the longer term. I enjoy those things. I don’t believe this to be gold digging – just having some sort of standards.

    There are a lot of men these days who need to be paid for – thats the problem.

    Like

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