“You know, in the old movies whenever a girl would get seriously kissed, her foot would just kind of… pop.”– The Princess Diaries (2001)
As cheesy as this movie is (I am not afraid to admit that I loved it), Princess Mia had a point. Even though foot-popping kisses might not always be practical (balancing on one foot with your eyes closed is not really advisable especially if you’re the type of girl who has a tendency to get drunk and tumble down stairs) the first kiss should be a pretty momentous event. While some people might argue that it’s Hollywood that’s given girls these misguided ideas, I speak from experience when I say that first kisses do lay the foundation for the future success (or lack thereof) of a relationship.
Unless you are one of those rare species that allows every kiss to progress to bedroom acrobatics, the nature of that first kiss can be used to indicate whether he’ll be getting lucky with you anytime soon.
The Inconvenient PDA
Everyone loves to announce their hatred of PDAs, but in reality this is just jealousy because people are either single (and just looking for someone to love them) or in some boring loveless relationship (where they sleep in separate beds and dream of the bad boy that got away). You have to admit that there is something nice about having a guy kiss you in public. The fact that he can’t keep his hands off you, usually means there is intense chemistry (or that he is one hell of a desperado that hasn’t had any action in a millennium). While they are often inconvenient (he might have to awkwardly drag you across a table or have you almost break your neck doing some sort of drunken yoga move), these kisses are the ones that give you butterflies and even if they don’t mark the beginning of an epic half-decade long love affair they’ll at least leave you grinning like a Cheshire cat.
The PG13 Kiss of Obligation
The date has been mediocre. He hasn’t done anything to offend you. In fact he might have actually been somewhat sweet for Afrikaaner Bible Boy – attempting to rescue you when your car broke down but just missing the opportunity to be your knight in shining armour because by the time he arrived you’d already fluttered your eyelashes and found another hottie to change the tyre. While you know this isn’t the fairytale ending (more PG13 than Christian Grey Mummy Porn) that you’d envisioned, when he leans for the kiss you let him have it because he is not a total troll and it’s not your place to break his spirit. But at the end of the day there’s no spark and you go home feeling like you can now relate to the ladies of the Red Light district (at least on some level).
The Face Rape/Kiss Dodge
Some might criticise the British man’s tendency to announce the fact that he is going to kiss a girl (it’s not only Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones that does this. It happens real life too) but there are times when a girl really does need some warning before a toad sticks his tongue down her neck. These are often the most unexpected of kisses that catch you off guard. In most instances, he is a bumbling buffoon who has spent the date offending you (or talking about God) and despite the five glasses of wine you’ve downed you still find him as vulgar as ever. On the occasions when one can pre-empt the predators move then the manoeuvre known as the kiss dodge can be used (something, as #zlotybaby will tell you, we’ve been mastering since childhood when trying to avoid physical interactions with those over-amorous aunties and pervy uncles of ours). However, there are going to be instances where face rape will occur completely out of the blue and the night will end with the girl feeling completely violated and giving serious consideration to the idea of joining a convent.
So the moral of the story is … first kisses are important in laying down foundations for the future so any potential love interest needs to be able to read the situation and act accordingly. Guys, don’t assume that by buying us a beer you’ll automatically be getting some tongue action. And ladies, as much as I always say we are going to have to kiss a few frogs before we find our Prince, don’t ever sell your soul to a complete toad and always continue chasing the kisses that give your butterflies.
Now rinsers/readers show us some love by sharing your stories about your first smooch experiences in comments below.