The Art of Double Parking

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As I rapidly approach the end of my 20s, I feel pressurised to conform to what society deems normal for a girl of my age. In other words, get engaged (making sure to post plenty of pictures of that EPIC ring all over Facebook), have the most lavish wedding and then pop out a few babies (gosh, I think I put myself through enough pain for marathon medals, really no incentive in going through labour for a screaming bundle of eww ).

Seeing as this particular good girl squandered most of her youth focusing all her attention on one bad boy, I now find myself in a bit of a predicament. There is so little time and so many men that need to be scrutinised before I am going to be ready to settle down (read just settle for) on a singular man for the rest of my god-forsaken life.

The truth is I haven’t even made the slightest dent in the male population of Cape Town and I am beginning to realize that dating is really just a numbers game. You’ve got to work your way through the eligible candidates as quickly as possible to get rid of the deadwood. The key is not prolong things that don’t serve a purpose in your life (easier said than done, I know!).

When the time is of the essence, as it is in my case, a single girl has no other option but to DOUBLE PARK (simultaneously dating different guys and in extreme cases skillfully managing to timetable multiple dares into a single night).

For instance, you find yourself with two second dates options. The first one – a very decent chap who wants to wine and dine you at some swanky establishment and hear your opinion on various intellectually stimulating conversation topics. Furthermore, this arrangement is set up well ahead of time so you are committed. On the morning of said date, (in typical bad boy style) you get a message from option number 2, inviting you to meet him a slightly grungy club. You know you should have some self-respect and tell him you already have other plans, but hey a women has needs that only a bad boy can fulfill. So being the indecisive, spineless wench you are you decide to double park – meeting the good guy for dinner for a good old chin wag and at around 10pm making your excuses (and subsequently friend-zoning him) to escape for make-out session with the one who gives you butterflies.

Tinder has multiple purposes depending on an individual’s objectives. Some people believe their love story will start “Once upon a time I swiped right…” While the majority use it to find their next hook-up (not always the wisest idea in AIDS-ridden South Africa). Then you have the cheeky prudes like myself who use Tinder purely for the purposes of networking (who am I kidding ;)).

Take for example this one time when I found myself in need of a lift to the airport and weighing up the options of forking out for a cab or being a miciti bus biatch when a male friend of mine suggested utilising my well-honed flirting skills to get a ride to the airport from one of my many Tinder boys (see it is not simply a hook-up app, its also a more nuanced version of Uber). I get to work and as I have limited time I actually end up roping the dude that suggested this idea into fulfilling the mandate himself (I met him on OKC, so technically he is the equivalent of a Tinder boy). How is that for skillssss?

You’d think the mission was complete there. But as they say men are like buses – there are none for ages and then two come along at once. Out of the blue, a Tinder guy (you actually like like) offers to be your chauffeur. Yay! You heart starts to flutter as you visualize a scene at Cape Town International where he declares his undying love to you and tells you that two weeks without you will feel like eternity. In reality, it all turns out to be an epic anti climax where he discusses you bringing him a book back from your travels and gives you a kiss on the cheek.

So there you have it rinsers. Double Parking. It might be necessary evil at times but its an art form which doesn’t always give you the happy ending you dreamed off. Now tell us about your Double Parking experiences – are you master of the art of just a disaster waiting to happen?

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7 comments

  1. zlotybaby · May 4, 2015

    I probably ditched the nice I’ll do anything for you guy for a more interesting but not necessarily healthy prospect once or twicein my life. I felt bad about it though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • EnglishRosiee · May 6, 2015

      Yup I felt bad about the airport story especially as I didn’t get the episode romantic ending I envisioned. However, if we weren’t double parking and choosing the bad guy I think we would be wondering , what if’ the whole time….and for me that’s worse. I do feel bad for the nice guy, but I soon get over it when the bad one gives me butterflies 😉

      Like

  2. bklynboy59 · May 7, 2015

    I am late to this post (I still don’t know how I missed this one but oh well) There seems to be a recurring theme with young women in their 20’s about picking bad boys over good guys and then supposedly feeling bad about it but will do it again in a heartbeat vs Oh my god am about to hit my 30’s the clock is ticking mentality I gotta find a good guy to get married to have a baby and have a nice house with a white picket fence. To all of that …first if you are in your 20’s enjoy your time …wisely then you will not regret who you dump for who and if it doesn’t come back to bite you later.

    Liked by 1 person

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