zlotybaby

Red Flags

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I think each and everyone of us makes lists of our future boyfriend’s “absolutely can’t haves”. We usually do it just after a break up and solemnly swear not to date anyone who displays certain behaviors. A few weeks or months down the line, depending on our recovery pace, we nearly inevitably meet someone who makes us feel like a complete hypocrite because we’re willing to disregard our previous findings just to be with him. We’re not categorical anymore and we explain to ourselves that something that IS a red flag, in most cases of course, but in this particular one it doesn’t apply. Then inevitably things go wrong and we start beating ourselves up for having allowed ourselves to justify what we knew was the wrong choice. It’s all good, however, if we learn from an experience like this and after second (or third or tenth time) decide that some things just don’t work for us. Below my personal list of non negotiable warnings.

1. The overly attached son

Probably because of my own close relationship with my mom I tend to go for boys with a worryingly close relationships with theirs. I experienced (for real) the following: a guy telling his mom that he’s breaking up with me before telling me, a guy holding hands with me and his mom at the same time, a guy mentioning his mom over 50 times on the first date (I’ve counted!) and maybe least surprisingly, a guy over thirty living with his mom. A specimen of the sort will always prioritize her needs over yours and as much as I love Greek culture, I have no desire to date an Oedipus of my own. If by the end of the first date I know more about his mom than about him I don’t go on a second one (unless he’s very hot. In this case how could I have criticized strong family bonds at the first place?).

2. Early sex jokes

Who knows me, knows also that I have little or no shame. However, for the purpose of finding the right partner I’m hiding this trait in the very beginning. A guy who makes sexual jokes early on has no respect either for you or for women in general, or both. A gentleman or even a half decent guy would be concerned about potentially offending you. Someone who’s only interested in getting into you pants doesn’t care. Sexual jokes early on even if they’re funny are also disrespectful and if he has no respect for you in the beginning he won’t start having it later on. Unless you sleep with him, because this always helps, right?

3. Commitment issues

We love to claim that he seemed like he was thinking about us seriously (or at least me, myself and I, we do). We often manage to convince our friends but rarely ever to do the same to ourselves. We know very well that when they’re mentioning the trip around the world as they want to  “gain life experience” they’re not referring to our honeymoon. Some guys even tell us right away that they’re not looking for a relationship. Surely, they don’t mean it, do they?

In brief, if something looks and smells like shit it probably is shit. We’ll all do ourselves a favor if we remember it in our dating lives. What are your Red Flags, Dear Reader(ess)?

30 comments

  1. Totally agree with the mummy’s boy issue…too many of them in Cape Town. Maybe there is something in the water. And then commitment issues…you have to wonder why there are so many old single men out there? Guess all the good ones got married off in their 20s. 😦

    Other Red Flags – they only want to meet you late at night (probably when their wife and kids are asleep), they want to take you for nice long (really long) walks on the beach with no romantic picnic or even a bottle of water packed (broke-ass), you’ve been dating them a while and they never want to introduce you to their friends (maybe you are ugly or they have another real-life girlfriend/wifey) … just a few things to think about.

    Also, its true what you say even though we all have our lists of red flags, the fact is when we meet that bad boy, with roguish good looks that list goes out of the window and we’re smitten. Its our weak, weak minds that let us believe we’ll be the one to change him but its never gonna happen. Been there, done that, still doing that shit. 😛

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    • Meeting late may be a red flag for both, full-time wifey sleeping at home and there being no wifey but you’re not becoming one either, in other words that you’re just a booty call. There must be somewhere a country of men that achieved a perfect equilibrum between the Polish craving for early commitment and the South African everlasting fear of it.

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      • Sorry I can’t help you there. I know not of such a country. Well when I was in the UK I thought Brit guys were generally quite dull (if anyone knows where I can find a real life Mr Dar y please let me know), I was looking for something more exciting but with 20/20 hindsight I see that South African men are really not that much better and maybe I need to reassess my views on my country people 😉

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  5. You are right. Generally, Saffer men are hotter than Brit guys and at least they have a tan. But I think its a case of the grass is always greener…when you go beyond their good looks you find that most of them are mummy’s boys with a sense of entitlement…NOT ATTRACTIVE.

    Hmmmm…we are no closer to answering the question on where to hunt for Prince Charming?

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  13. […] In the times of Facebook and other social media attention seekers have a whole new platform to complain, brag and in general to make sure that everyone knows what’s bugging them at the moment. In relation to dating I think it’s just a good thing to have access to our potential love interest’s social media as it allows us to get a bit more insight into their thinking and possibly notice red flags. […]

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  19. […] Dating is a difficult. Not everyone ends up their first love and lives happily ever after. Most of us experience various setbacks, life lessons and heartbreaks along that path that (hopefully) eventually leads to Prince Charming. Sure, we all have 20/20 hindsight when it comes to relationships and a basic level of introspection allows us to see what we could have done differently or how easily we have spotted those red flags. […]

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